Stay at home mom vs. working mom.....

Hi I'm an old mom LOL . I have a 20 yr old ,16 and 3 All boys . Please working moms dont get me wrong .... When My older two kids were little ,I stayed home for awhile ,Then I worked but I'm a Baker /Pastry Chef .So I would go into work at 3 am .My hubby took the kids to daycare ,and I picked them up by like 11 am . That all was great . They were with me most of the day but also got to be around other kids .... The best of both worlds really... We We got a divorce . But I still worked as baker /pastry chef But I worked while they were in school . I put them on the bus ,and piked them up from the bus ... I never wanted them to arrive home to an empty house !!!! Anyhow I got re married and we decided to have a baby . So I'm like starting over kinda .... Heres my point I guess ..... Time went Sooooooo fast with the first two !!! That I knew I wanted to stay home with my last . Hes now 3.5 ,I'm still home ,but what I've done so hes not like an only child ,is at 6 months old . I started an IN Home Day Care . Ive had the same kids the whole time . Have lost a few to school but now have thier little bros and sisters .So anyhow My little guy gets me at home .... Friends Everyday .. I get Paid , And its a great tax relief ! Lots of deductions !!! Well now Pre school is next fall , And well I will only work as a baker /pastry chef .while hes at preschool ,me and other moms already have it planned as I will pick up two other do my day care and then the following year ...Kinder.... I will get back to my fill time early Am working . Then 1st grade I can work while hes at school .... I guess for me The point I'm trying to make Is ,,,, They Are LITTLE for a very short time ,stay with them !!!! The kids I watch ,Think about this ..Are with me 40- 50 hours aweek ....I'm thier Other mom ... I mean on one hand its great they have me I LOVE theses kids , But They need thier momms . Sorry Ive gotten so winded ,but I wanted you to kinda get the picture here ... I too though have been lucky to have the skill I have and be able to work a working scheduall around my children . I realise not all Jobs are like mine ... Remember my main point being ,...... It goes by really really fast .They are Only little once ... Hope this helps you .... Oh you can ALWAYS quit a job if its not working too !!! :) :) :) :)
 
Hi Wendy and ladies,

I am a 21 year old stay at home mom with a almost 3 year old in April. I am a stay at home mom and have to tell all of you ladies that the first year was the hardest. But now I wouldn't trade it for the world. I hear some of my friends that work talk about how much they are missing out on and I truely feel bad, because I have been able to be there with my daughter with the first step, to the first bad thing that she ate. And then on the other hand I have friends that would absolutely pull there hair out if they had to stay at home all day with there children.

I hope this helps you out you will know when your baby comes what the right thing for you to do is. It is instinct.

Good luck, Congrats on the pregnancy, and I loved your belly pic Wendy.
 
Mary, Jen and Tina-

Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings, thoughts and experiences! It is so interesting to hear all of the different takes on this topic!

I hope I am making the right decision for myself and my family...I think that I am...but I also know that if I feel unhappy with my decision at any point down the line for any reason, I can look into what would need to be done to change it.

I think it's great that we live in a society that whole heartedly accepts BOTH the working mom AND the SAHM! I feel we are very blessed to have the opportunity to choose the best path for ourselves and our families.

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

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I don't think I saw anyone with my story so I will tell it. I am currently a SAHM but I worked until my girls were 2 1/2 and 4 1/2. They are now 9 and 11 and I have a 4 yr old boy. I always thought I needed the "adult interaction" and couldn't "waste" my law degree. However, my youngest daughter SOBBED every time I dropped her off at daycare. One day I decided to see how much money I was actually making after deducting taxes, daycare, clothing, etc. Needless to say, it was not much. I made the decision to stop working and have not regretted that decision one bit. I wonder how someone can say they wouldn't be a good SAHM if they have never tried it. I used to say that to myself but I think it was an excuse to make me feel better. I don't find staying at home to be lonely at all. There are always things to do to pass the time, read stories, go for a walk, go to the park. Once they hit 3, there are lots of activities for them at the local YMCA, Park and Rec and preschool. I don't think you need to worry about "socializing" your child. That will come even if you are a SAHM. Looking back, I have such regret for not being there for my girls when they were babies like I was for my son. I cannot ever get that time back. I feel terrible regret. I am not trying to make the working moms feel bad, it is just how I feel about my life choices. I have been both places and I am so glad I "saw the light" and I am even more enlightened that many other mothers are making that decision to stay home. Best of luck to you, Wendy. You are making the right choice.
 
Hi Wendy,
I've been debating if I should reply to your question but I've finally decided that I should...
I work outside the home and am expecting my 3rd baby. My boys are almost 7 yrs and 9 yrs old. I was in veterinary school when I had my 1st. I went on to graduate and then tooka little time off to stay home. Then DH went to law school so I needed to support my family. I went back to work and found out I was PG with #2 soon after. Since I didn't want DH to drop out of school I continued to work. It was difficult for me an caused my lots of stress, etc to no be able to tay home. With that said, it would have been selfish of me to demand that DH quit school because I wanted to stay home. He did so much to support me when *I* was in school so chose to "bite the bullet" and trudge along. An opportunity came up where I was able to work on my PhD and GET PAID so I changed career paths and haven't looked back. I love my job (and my life) now and am grateful that things worked out the way they did.
I do admit that I am nervous about leaving this little one when she arrives. (I really *can't* quit now because I made 2/3rd's of my family's income). I plan to do several things to help ease everyone's transition:
1. I'm taking 4 1/2 mos of maternity leave and am only going to work 1/2 time for the 1st month back.
2. The daycare I'veselected is around the corner from work so I'll go to nurse the baby over lunch.
3. Family bed with the baby (this helped when my 1st 2 were in daycare).
4. Reverse cycle feed (this is when you encourage night nursings to continue... the baby takes fewer bottles of pumped breastmilk during the day... both of the boys would do this). When people would ask: "Does he sleep through the night?" I'd reply: "No, but he sleeps for 6 hrs at daycare!"
5. Use a sling when home in the evenings... With the boys, I would rarely set them down when at home. I plan to do the same again.

It is so difficult to make the work vs. stay at home decision. In a perfect world, I'd be able to provide for my family *and* stay home but that's not going to happen. I try to remind myself how blessed I am to have a DH who will do 1/2 of the house work, a job I love (with flexible hours, etc), and 2 (almost 3!) great kids.
Good luck with your decision!
Michele
30 weeks
 
Working full time as busy corporate lawyer

Hi!

My son is now 2. I spent about a year on maternity leave from mid way through my pregnancythen went back to work. He has been in day care full time ever since he was 5/6 months.

Do I regret it? Honestly, on occasion, yes. But I had no choice and as an unexpected single mother had to go back to work to support us both. The one thing I would change if I could is to get a job with more regular hours. At the moment, as well as full time nursery I also have an au pair as my working hours are eratic and I can never leave on time to pick him up from nursery :-( I do get to drop him off every morning though and we sing nursery rhymes togther on the way there :)

But I couldn't be home full time either! Ideally I would work 3 days a week and spend more time with him, but such is life.

My son is happy, confident, well adjusted and affectionate. He adores his mummy and knows who mummy is, despire having a key worker at day care and an au pair. He is a real joy and I have no regrets. I made the best choices I could - it was working full time or welfare, seriously!
 
Hi Wendy

Before I had my first baby, I was convinced that I wanted to quit my job and be an SAHM. Three months after said baby was born, I was going nuts. I ended up returning to work part time (2 nights a week and one weekend in three).

Now I have two little girls and I work one day a fortnight which has been so beneficial to me. I am very lucky that I have had a husband with a good job who has supported my decision to stay at home most of the time, but yet still do some work (and maintain my career).

I think that it's a really personal decision. Some Moms are better off working, some aren't. No matter what end of the spectrum we fall into, we all need to be here to support each other, so we will survive the long haul with all its up and down times.

Enjoy your baby,
Liz N
 
Hi :)
Here is my experience.
I have 3 boys. I worked full time with my other two who are now 17 and 11 yrs. old. They both went to day care when they were about 2 years old not by choice but I had to work for the income and I went to school.

Then, my little one came along which I worked full time throughout my whole pregnancy. I went back to work fulltime 3 months post and I was nursing and pumping when I was at work. I would leave my home at 7am and return about 6:30pm. I was totally annoyed, tired, and too grouchy to do housework, cook, help the kids, pay attention to hubby and I also attented grad school through all this.

At 6 months we decided; enough is enough or I will go insane. We sacrificed the pay for family time. Although it can get a bit rough financially, it's well worth it.

My little one is 2 1/2 now and my other two are 17 and 11 yrs old. My little goes to daycare 2x a week. Why:) Because I find that he needs that interaction with other children his age and the dicipline they learn in school. He learns a lot at home and during school time. I do work part time now as a sub. teacher.

Working vs staying at home depends on the indiviual, what you can handle, and your current finanical position. :)

Congrats Wendy!
Miosy
 
>Childcare expense...yes, that is a HUGE consideration that I
>forgot to note. Once you pay for childcare, many women may as
>well stay home because between that expense and one's
>commuting expense put up against your salaray...what is left?
> A bunch of NOTHING! lol

Hi everybody!

I have been mostly lurking here for about the last two years, since I became pregnant with my daughter, Cait, now 15 months. I love Cathe and have really appreciated all the information I got here, and I am sorry I was just lurking.

I know that quality childcare can be difficult to come by for an affordable price in some places. One thing that's nice in Sweden is we have a sort of "single payer" daycare system where the government heavily subsidizes daycare and also regulates it. Most parents (mother or father) take parental leave for a year after the baby is born and many send their child to daycare for part of the day after that. The fee for daycare is not more than 3% of monthly family income for the first child,2%for the second, 1% for the third, and "free" for the fourth, etc. attending at the same time. The working parent vs. stay-at-home parent decision can be difficult here, too, but at least the daycare is affordable enough to make going back to work financially "reasonable".

We have just completed the 2-week initiation process for our daughter (I have started taking courses at the university in the mornings)and we are very happy with our centre. It's part of a local elementary school and the ratio is 4 children per caregiver. When I come to pick her up my daughter is usually sitting on a caregivers knee and "reading" a story or playing happily. She often doesn't seem to want to come home! Now that tugs on my heartstrings a bit... I always thought I'd be full-time stay-at-home until she was at least 3 or 4, but I must say that Cait and I have been getting along a lot better since we started with the morning daycare. We'll just see how it goes from here.

All the best everyone,

Mary
 
I envy all of you that can stay at home. :) The reason that I work, and the ONLY reason is for health insurance. My husband is self-employed so I"m the health insurance carrier. In today's day and age you cannot be without it. If I were to quit work and we were to purchase our own insurance it would cost us roughly $856/month and that is money that we do not have. And you never know when you are going to need your insurance. Why just yesterday I had my son at the dr (he has scarlet fever) and he had to have some tests done - only cost me $10 where without insurance it would have cost me well over $100. I returned to work when my son was 7 months old. A friend watched him until he was 11 months and then he went to daycare. At first I did feel bad about leaving him at daycare, I felt guilty, etc. He loves daycare. He is home w/daddy today b/c he is sick and was crying b/c he couldn't go. I just don't know how I'm going to do it when the new baby gets here. My DH does not help out at all. Not with housework or with my son. So I feel like I'm going to be overwhelmed when baby gets here.

Wendy I know that you'll make the best decision for your family.
 
Dana,

I know the insurance thing can definately make it hard. I happen to be covered under my DH's insurance. My company offers it but his is a better deal so it works out well considering I want to be a stay at home mom.

I know what you mean about your DH not helping, though I do get a little bit of help. He will do pretty much anything I ask but I always have to ask (and sometimes more than once!) and lots of times it's easier to just do it myself! He is good with the garbage and with washing dishes after I cook dinner...I usually don't have to ask him to do those things. But anything else, forget it! lol Then there are those things that his "man-genes" make him incapable of doing like cleaning the bathroom so that is my job by default.

I feel very fortunate that I should be able to stay home with my baby. Not only because I want to take care of my son but also because this way I can do all (or atleast most) of the household duties during the day while DH is at work and then after dinner there will be time for ME while DH spends time with his son....

This is my PLAN anyway! lol

Take Care!

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

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I know Sweden subsidizes daycare but I wish the government would create programs that do what is best for kids, that is, to encourage and make it easier for a parent to raise a child and not the government. I find it so interesting all the talk about subsidized daycare and NOTHING about how to make it easier for a parent to stay home. Does anybody else ever think about that? I certainly don't want my taxes to go up so government can subsidize daycare.
 
I am also a SAHM to 3 children (10, 7 & 5). I couldn't imagine it any other way.
I think it's so important to BE THERE for your children. I understand some people need the second income. But in some cases I think it's NOT a NEED and more a WANT. I'd rather live in a humble abode than stay away from my kids all day.
My youngest will be in kindergarten next fall and I am enjoying morning cuddles in bed about every morning until then. Sometimes we sleep till 9 or 9:30 am:eek: I know I could be getting so much more done If I got up earlier, but the cuddles are priceless to me.
If someone just wants to work they could wait until their children are in school. I don't think any child would rather be w/ a caregiver than their own mommy.
I am never bored, there just isn't enough hours in the day. Plus I blow alot of time surfin the internet and reading these forums.}(
Best of Luck on your decision.
 
This is certainly an interesting thread to read!

I guess I should say a bit more about Sweden, because I think I've given sort of a warped impression.

>I know Sweden subsidizes daycare but I wish the government
>would create programs that do what is best for kids, that is,
>to encourage and make it easier for a parent to raise a child
>and not the government.

In Sweden there's a lot of indirect support for staying at home, too. All healthcare and medicine is completely free for prenatal care and children (under age 20), and for the unemployed, elderly, disabled, etc., and everyone else only pays token user fees, so when parents don't work (by choice or necessity) the family doesn't lose their health insurance. There are pretty good child allowances for kids under 17 and everyone qualifies. All education including university is free, and all fulltime students can get grants/loans for living expenses, so parents don't worry so much about saving huge amounts for their kids college funds. There are lots of parks and they're well-maintained and safe, and plenty of free organized sports activities, so it doesn't matter so much if you don't live in a "nice" area. Paid parents's leave days work out to about 2 years per child, and can be used until a child turns 16. "Welfare mothers" aren't considered a big "problem" here. Work arrangements like flex-time and part-time are pretty common so staying home or working is doesn't have to be so either/or. All of these things make it easier for parents to choose to stay at home, or to be at home more if one income isn't enough. There are a lot of free parent-baby or -preschooler programmes too which is nice.

Also all workers in Sweden are entitled to 5 weeks of paid vacation a year, which helps the working parents, including a lot of dads have more family time. And both parents get 2 weeks paid leave following the baby's birth, which was really helpful for me in the first couple of weeks and was wonderful for DH because he really wanted to spend time with me and the baby.

Being SAH is still a financial sacrifice here because SAH parents receive no income aside from the paid parents' leave days. It would be nice and a lot fairer if SAHMs got the same stipend per child as the daycare does. And tax is EXTREMELY high. That isn't nice at all, but I guess at the end of the day you're always going to have to pay for things one way or another.

The nice thing for our family was that we could choose what was best for our daughter and family. Not everyone really has that choice and that's sad. Personally, I didn't find it so easy to decide what was "best" for Cait and me because there were advantages and disadvantages for both of us with each option, and I'd never want to tell anyone else what's best for their child or family. In the end I decided to go to school in the morning and take care of Cait in the afternoon.

Wendy, congratulations on your pregnancy, and if I had any advice to give it would be to just see how it goes if that's possible. You won't necessarily feel the same about SAH vs working outside after the baby is born or again after maternity leave is over. Some people here felt one way before the birth and very differently after. It sometimes depends on the age of your child, too. At 6 months I was really ready to go screaming out of the house everyday when DH came home, but at 9 having to go back to work fulltime would have broken my heart. My sister said she felt the same way.

Oh my, my, I've gone on and on forever! Time to go back to lurkdom, or get down to my workout which I've been putting off :)

Mary
 
Hello there Mary.

Thanks for posting! When I first created this thread everyone was kind of AFRAID to post so it was a very slow-growing thread......but I see that it's really caught on now! I'm glad. This is a forum and we SHOULD be able to express our views and opinnions with out being attacked for it...no matter what they are. :)

My plan is to go out on maternity leave (I get 6 weeks paid leave from my job) and decide what it is I want to do while I'm out. First instinct, and what I have said since childhood, is that I want to stay home with my kids atleast until they are in school f/t...BUT...if that changes, which obviously it could...we will look into my going back to work outside of the home.

My ultimate plan is to be able to work from home so that it wouldn't be such a financial sacrafice/burden for me to care for our child but I will have to research that idea and see what options are out there in that regard.

Once my children are in school f/t I can look for a job outside of the home...possibly not f/t right away as I would still like to be available for them when they come home and all until they are a bit older and are okay of being left alone for a few hours. I know they after care programs available but I'd like my kids to be able to come home, have a snack, do homework, eat dinner and then have a couple of hours before bed to...well, just be kids!:)

Ok, I've gone on long enough myself :p ....

Take care! :)

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

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http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
This is a wonderful thread! Michele, you said you had gone back to school for your PhD-- are you currently teaching? Do you find it hard to find time for research and family? Forgive my being nosy! I'm finishing my PhD, and *hope* to find a tenure track position (along with a million other people in my field:). However, I know how time consuming research is and how high expectations are for productivity-- how do you find balance? In my department, there seems to be a bit of hostility towards women PhDs and grad students who decide to have children-- did you encounter this?

Many thanks,
L
 
Regarding your following comment:

"Personally, I didn't find it so easy to decide what was "best" for Cait and me because there were advantages and disadvantages for both of us with each option, and I'd never want to tell anyone else what's best for their child or family."

I was talking about what I think is best for children, not moms or dads. I think it is best for children that a parent or close relative raise them. I know it is not always possible, but I do think that is what is best for them. My point being as a society we should try to find options that make it easier for parents to raise their kids rather than increase taxes so government can do the job. I cringe at the thought of our government providing universal daycare as we are already having trouble educating our youth in many areas of the country.
 
>Regarding your following comment:
>
>I was talking about what I think is best for children, not
>moms or dads. I think it is best for children that a parent
>or close relative raise them.

Hi arogerson,

I know most parents have pretty strong views on this issue and so do I. I respect that you believe it's better for children that a parent or close relative raise them. For a lot of families that is definitely the case. A lot of the people writing in this thread have that experience and some of them regret that they can't stay home with their children. Sometimes I do too, but it just wasn't working for us.

What is best for children sometimes is what's best for their moms and dads. Children can't be very happy when one of their parents is so depressed she has to be hospitalized. Or when a parent really can't enjoy time spent with that child, and feels sad and irritable all day every day. Children notice these things no matter how hard you try to cover it up and it also hurts them a lot, I think, because they tend to think it's their fault. When parents are miserable, children tend to be too. So for our family, the morning daycare thing has made a big improvement for our daughter as well as DH and me.

I can understand your not wanting the government to raise taxes just to provide daycare because if public education is in trouble, that should take priority, I guess. I'm very happy with the system here in Sweden overall. We pay high taxes, but the government spends it on services that are pretty high in quality and open to all. That does have a positive effect on families here. Obviously our system isn't going to work for a lot of other countries because they have different societies, different values, and different ways of doing things.

Thanks for replying, Wendy, and I'm sure you'll find the way that's right for you. Best wishes!

Mary

P.S. My workout did turn out well despite the procrastination!
 
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