long weepy rant ... beware
Just wanted to post about my MIA. I'm having a hard time. I've binged on 5lbs in the past week. I'm feeling so awful about myself. This is behavior that I thought was now in my past. I haven't done this in years and years. I started week 4 of STS yesterday but I may have to back off to a different rotation. Something less demanding while I process this awful financial situation I'm in.
It just doesn't stop. 5 years of hell and no end in sight. All savings are gone, all equity in the house is gone. My husband got illegally let go from a company that he was working for and doing very well with over 5 years ago. They knew we didn't have the money to sue them. They used all the ground work my husband did to set up the territory and then let him go and hired a younger man for half the commission. I wanted to sell our house at that time and my husband didn't. He had to build his business up from scratch again, then the recession hit, our home taxes doubled in 8 years, and our value in the house plummeted. We had no income and took a 2nd mortgage. I took a job for the insurance but before I finished the probation after 4 months of working I discovered I had cancer cells (that were caught early but I had to have surgery and be monitored for two years) and it was now a preexisting condition and the new jobs insurance wouldn't cover the surgery and the company furloughed me along with all the new hires, a year later I tore my rotator cuff right off the bone (over-doing 1 rep tests for STS) and needed surgery and rehab. We pay for insurance out of pocket being self employed ($785 a month just for me), insurance only pays 8o% after a $5,000 deductible. We have almost paid off all of those medical bills but it's been hell on our credit rating. Our house has been on the market since last fall and keeping it clean and picked up to show at a moments notice is taking a toll on all of us.
I'm 57 with a 14 year old son to raise. I feel so stupid thinking I could get back to my art work when my son was older. I thought my husbands business would be able to support us and I could work part time when our son was more independent but my part time work has gone away. 15 years of great part time income has disappeared. No work since last October and I can't get hired anywhere for a retail job.
I was just numb for the past few years thinking things would get better but I don't know how long I can hang on. I can't talk to my family about this because they were against my being a stay at home Mom in the first place but my family lives over 1,500 miles away and we were on our own to raise our surprise son who came when we were 43 years old and child care was a fortune and I wanted to be there instead of having strangers raise him.
I know I will get back to my wonderful Cathe workouts. They save me time and money and help me feel better mentally, emotionally and even spiritually but my stomach feels so jiggly and my body feels like lead.I'm trying to just get through the day without crying and to help my son and my husband.
And to top it off it' May 2nd and 35 degrees. I'm freezing.
I don't feel very "Snazzy" right now.
Hugs to you amazing ladies from a pudgy Midlife Midwesterner.