Share a joke - CLEAN of course

C

claridge

Cathlete
This one was sent to me 2day via e-mail and just cracked me up

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take of clothing
Place in sectioned laundrey hamper according to lights and darks
Look at physique in mirror - make mental note to exercise more
Get into shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, loofah and pumice stone
Wash hair with shampoo that has 43 added vitamins
Wash again to make sure its clean - then condition
Wash face with crushed apricot scrub for 10 minutes until red
Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffa body wash
Rinse of conditioner
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
Spray mould spots with Tilex
Get out of shower
Dry of with towel the size of a small country
Wrap hair in super absorbant towel
Return to bedroom wearing dressing gown and towel on head

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take of clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed - leave them in a pile on floor
Walk naked to the bathroom
Look at physique in mirror and pose
Get into shower
Wash face
Wash armpits
Wash hair and make a shampoo mohawk
Rinse off
Get out of shower
Partially dry off - fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging outside the tub the whole time
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
Throw wet towel on the bed


:) :)
 
LMAO!!! Man, this is funny! Your reference to it being a "clean" joke was meant to be punny, right?

How sad am I that as soon as I read this, I decided to put Tilex on my shopping list? I had no idea such a product existed.......

Sandra
-still laughing at the shampoo mohawk. He only *wished* he had enough hair!
 
Ok, I've got a good one.

A magician gets a job on a cruise, and the captain always puts his parrot in the lobby of the magicians show to watch. Th magician doesn't think much about at first. But after about 10 shows, doing the same thing every show he starts to hear the parrot say things like, "RAh, the cards up his sleeve, the cards up his sleeve!" Or "Rah, the rabbits under the table, the rabbits under the table!". Realizing this is not helping his act at all, he starts getting annoyed, fast. But, unfortunately, one day the ship sank. The magician found himself floating on a log out in the middle of the ocean, when along comes the parrot and lands on HIS log. They float along for days without a word being said. Then one day the parrot looks at him and says, "Rah, I give up, where's the ship?".

Kathy
 
Good one ladies.

If only you ladies knew how much I needed a laugh. If you have more to share, please, keep them coming:) :).

Thank you,
Haydee
 
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the road?

One was assaulted! (a salted, get it?)
 
I cant relate to this at all..........................okey! maybe a little

13 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT...

1 I have absolutely no idea where my purse is

2 I beleive that dancing with my arms extended and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly sexy

3 I decide I can "kick butt" and honestly beleive I can do it

4 In my last trip to the tiolet, I realize I look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the "goddess" I was when I arrived

5 I drop my 3.00am burrito on the floor (which Im eating even though Im not the least bit hungrey) pick it up and seriously consider eating it still

6 I start crying and tell everyone and anyone I love then sooooooooo much

7 Theres less than 3 hours before Im due to start work

8 My eyes just dont wont to stay open - so I keep them half closed and think I look exotically sexy

9 Ive suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it

10 I yell at the bardenter because he gave me lemonade, when really I can no longer taste the gin

11 I start every conversation with "DONT take this the WRONG WAY but........."

12 My hugs resemble wrestling take-down moves

13 I take my shoes off because I think there the reason I cant walk straight



:) :) :)
 
LOL! That was good! Not that I've EVER had anything like that;), but I've certainly seen many women like that when I worked at a bar!

Kathy
 
We ought to send this one to Anna Nicole Smith! DId you see her on the music awards? This is really funny.
Susan C.M.:D
 
ENJOY

A family decided to comission a biographer to write the family history to give as a gift to their father. The kids wanted it to be positive so whey warned the biographer about the family's black sheep. Uncle George had been executed in the electric chair for murder. The book ended up saying this about Uncle George.

"Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was quite attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."

Haydee
 
OK, got another one.

WHO SAYS WE'RE THE SMARTER SEX?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Haydee
 
TWO NUNS


This is cute..a little long, but cute.


There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to do us harm.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

Haydee
 
Not a joke but a funny story.

When my nephew was about 4 years old he used to ask everyone how old they were. My sister explained to him that some adults didn't like to answer that question and maybe he shouldn't ask adults that question any more. He must have taken the message to heart because a few days later he asked one of my sister's friends what size she was. She replied " A medium". He looked at her and inquired "A medium-large?"
 
i think this one is clean enough to share....


What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast?













"i haven't been this hot since i've been bread!" :p
 
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