Share a joke - CLEAN of course

One day a Christian man was out hunting when he came across a bear. Fearing for his life,he tried to discreetly leave the scene. The bear noticed him and started to slowly follow the hunter. The hunter started to panic and started running while thinking "Please God, Let this bear be a Christian." The hunter tripped and fell and the bear quickly overtook him and then there was silence. The hunter took a peek behind him and saw the bear in prayer pose.The bear then said "Thank you Lord for this food I'm about to receive for the nourishment of my body..." :)
 
What's in a honeymoon sandwich?

"Let us alone."

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
 
Here's one --

An intelligent man, an intelligent woman, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny were all walking down the street.

Low and behold there was a twenty dollar bill on the street. Who picked it up?










Do you know this one?

The intelligent woman of course. The other three are merely myths.


:7
 
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A. Well, if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans...

ba dum DUM!

Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachsund?
A. He wanted a LONG LITTLE DOGGIE...bwahaha!

OK, I have to share this one although it's a little naughty...

Q. What did the doe say when she walked out of the woods?
A. I'll never do that for two bucks again....

Hey! Is this thing on? Thank you! I'll be here all week!


Susan L.G.
 
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
 
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing -- priceless!
 
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
A man is drinking in a bar and an "escort" is trying to get him interested. Finally she whispers in his ear "For $200 I'll do anything"

The man answers "Anything?". The escort says "Did I stutter?"

The man says that his car is outside and they can go to his house.
They pull in the driveway and get out of the car. As they're headed into the house, all of the lights come on and the man's wife is waiting at the door.

The wife views the situation and yells, "What the hell is this?"

To which the man answers...

I found someone who'll paint the house!

(cleaner than you thought it would be!!)
 
Alright, here's my submission (even though I don't understand no. 6):

WASHINGTON POST ALTERNATIVE MEANINGS


And now for something completely unrelated to the election...

Once again, The Washington Post published its
yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored
mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding
hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified
demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that,
when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
 
Nancy!

#6~Does Negligee help?

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
RE: Nancy!

One usually wouldn't open the door with a negligee on. One would usually put a robe on over it before getting the door. Hence they were negligent in the fact that they didn't cover up and its a play on words with negligee.
 
Thanks Cath!

I could not quite figure out how to word the explanation. You did a good job.
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 

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