Relationship question

trixie108

trixie108

Cathlete
I need a sounding board for a relationship question, and you ladies are awesome at giving unbiased opinions, so here it goes...

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for about 5 months. We have recently started talking about moving in together. Well after I told my family about it, they freaked and said it was way too soon. I guess I didn't realize there was a proper time frame to doing things?! I understand that they don't want me to get hurt, but I feel like they don't trust my judgement. I was really excited before I got the negative reaction, and now I'm just really disappointed.

Here's a few details: I own the house. We both have full time jobs. We both own our own cars. He would pay me half of the mortgage and half of the bills. We would have to get rid of some stuff, since we have duplicates, but we have all of the furniture and house set up figured out too. We typically spend the weekends together, either at his apartment or my house and have vacationed a few times together too.

Do you think it's too soon in our relationship, and we should wait? We've already been through the pros and cons and have everything figured out. I know I shouldn't let other people make decisions for me, but it would be nice to have a little support... Thanks for listening!!
 
I think at 5 mos, it might be a little soon to move in together. It's still pretty early in the relationship, so you guys are still in the "honeymoon phase" and don't know all that much about each other. Living with someone teaches you a lot about that person, so IMO I say take your time and get to know as much as you can about this guy. On the other side of the coin, it also depends on your gut feeling. Is he someone you see yourself with in the long-term? Are you totally comfortable in your relationship or do you still feel like you need to get to know him a lot better? My parents got married after only knowing each other for 10 months; that was 30 years ago and they are so happy so it def worked out. Me, on the other hand, am very cautious in my relationships. I'm 29 and didn't feel comfortable moving in w my BF until a little over a year into the relationship.

IMO I say just wait a little while and then revisit the idea. HTH!!
 
I'm going to tell you to go with your gut on this one. When you know, you know. You know?:p DH and I met in early summer and were engaged and moved into together the next Feb. We'll be married 11 yrs this Saturday. Seems like you already spend alot of time at each other's places, so you have an idea of what to expect if he moves it, but it is a bit different, having to share your space. At that point, it is no longer "your" space, it is "our" space. I would just be careful if you guys get into any kind of arguements that it is YOUR house and HIS house, even if he isn't on the mortage/rent. That's just not nice. I also wouldn't add him to the mortgage at this point, either. Lease maybe, mortgage NO. But I have an issue w/ combining credit, anyway. The ONLY thing DH and I own together is the house. My car is mine, his is his, and we pay our own bills - but that is another thread.

Your family is just trying to look out for you. You know this guy way better than they do. Unless they can give you a concrete reason why - like he said something nasty when you were out of earshot, or they saw him around town with the town trollop, I would just take it as family worry. However, if they told you they found out he beat his last 6 GF's after moving in, stomped their puppies, and cleaned out their bank accts, then I'd be concerned. He has a job, so it also doesn't look like he's just looking for a free ride.

If you were 18 or 19, I'd be telling you its not a good idea, but at 28 you know yourself pretty well, and I think you can trust your own judgement. When you make big decisions for yourself do they generally turn out well? If you are holding down a FT job and are current on your bills, I'm going to assume you a are a relatively responsible, sane, reasonable adult and can make your own decisions.

I'd let him move in.

Nan
 
I think if it feels right then do it. BUT do it smart. If he moves in then you need to do it by the book, a rental agreement. Get one and have him sign it. Spell out his monthly costs and utilities. Also put in writing who owns what furniture.

DO NOT co-sign for any loans for him at anytime. Keep your finances separate. Do not co-mingle funds by buying large items for the house.

Just be smart and protect yourself financially. Good Luck !!!
 
Nicole - DH and I only dated for maybe 5 months when we got engaged. We were married 6 months later. It really depends on the situation. And you're only moving in together, not getting married. If things don't work out, they don't work out. He moves out and life goes on. I don't know, I guess I just don't see it as that big of a deal. You've got to go with your gut on this one. ;) You aren't teenagers just out of high school.

P.S. I totally agree with ImFiddY on not cosigning ANYTHING with him or adding him to your finances at all. Definitely protect yourself!
 
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DH moved in 4 months after we met. I was 27, he was 37. We were married 5 months later. We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary Valentine's Day. We were both married before and knew what we wanted, what we didn't want, talked everything out (including monetary issues) and we're very happy.

I'm with everyone else - go with your gut - you know how you feel and what feels right.

Marcy
 
My SO and I moved in together after 2 months of dating, and now we've been (happily) together for about 3 years and are getting married this spring. We definitely picked up some negativity, or at least uncertainty, from our families, but as previous posters have said...when you know, you know.
 
I don't think there is a timeframe. I moved in with DH within months of meeting him. We have been together 16 years and married 13. Neither of us owned much at the time. We had both recently moved to the states from Europe. All my belonging fit into two (very large) suitcases and he didn't have much more. Nonetheless we were very frank with each other about our expectations for the relationship before signing a lease. Since you already own your house it's a little more complicated. I know it's not romantic but I think a written contract is a good idea. If everything does work out and you stay together forever it won't hurt the relationship. If it doesn't, it will make things a lot easier should the relationship end. We went in to our relationship with the desire to be together forever and the understanding that the future is always an unknown.

Good luck!
 
trixie108 said:
I need a sounding board for a relationship question, and you ladies are awesome at giving unbiased opinions, so here it goes...

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for about 5 months. We have recently started talking about moving in together. Well after I told my family about it, they freaked and said it was way too soon. I guess I didn't realize there was a proper time frame to doing things?! I understand that they don't want me to get hurt, but I feel like they don't trust my judgement. I was really excited before I got the negative reaction, and now I'm just really disappointed.

Here's a few details: I own the house. We both have full time jobs. We both own our own cars. He would pay me half of the mortgage and half of the bills. We would have to get rid of some stuff, since we have duplicates, but we have all of the furniture and house set up figured out too. We typically spend the weekends together, either at his apartment or my house and have vacationed a few times together too.

Do you think it's too soon in our relationship, and we should wait? We've already been through the pros and cons and have everything figured out. I know I shouldn't let other people make decisions for me, but it would be nice to have a little support... Thanks for listening!!
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Why and how did the question or suggestion come up?
 
What's the rush? There are just as many bad relationship stories to go with the good. Yes - sometimes it works out great - just make sure you know this person well enough to entangle yourself to this extent. I don't want to throw cold water on something your excited about - but answer this question - will your relationship come to a halt because you didn't move in together?

I may sound old fashioned but I did not move in with my husband before marrying despite some pressure from him to do so. Now we were both quite happy that we didn't. It made marrying an important step for us both - we united all of our lives at once. Once again this just proves that we are all different - what works for some - won't for others. Best of luck.
 
Thanks for the responses!! Yes, I definitely agree with going with my gut, which is what I'm doing :) I'm the one that suggested he move in, and we're both very excited! Liann, your post is exactly how I feel! We have talked about marriage, but I want to make sure we can live together first! And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

And I wouldn't co sign a loan for ANYONE, lol!! I've heard way too many horror stories!! But that's still GREAT advice :)

Wow, I feel so much better now. THANK YOU!!!
 
You're a 28 year old intelligent woman. Don't let your parents opinions or that of anyone else dictate your decisions. Only you know what is right for you.
 
your question

Go with your gut & don't listen to anyone. But you should see an attorney to protect your assets
 
Living together successfully is not a predictor of a successful marriage. If you love this man and he's the one, just get married!
 
silbow said:
Go with your gut & don't listen to anyone. But you should see an attorney to protect your assets
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I feel I cannot give you any personal advice since I don't really know you or your SO but I do agree 100% with the above advice. I have seen too many people fall in "love" and make really poor decision regarding their assets and belongings that can come back to bite you in the behind!

But enjoy this. There is nothing better than falling in love. Just don't put him on the deed to your house!!
 
I was engaged after a month of dating and have been married for 38 years. As long as you own the house I don't see a problem. I would never advise buying property with anyone you are not married to and even that doesn't always work out. :p You know your parents just think you won't get married if you live together.
 
A tough call...

Every situation is different (as you can see by the many posts on this thread). I'll throw in my two cents:

1. It's kind of early in the relationship, so if you have any of those nagging doubts, maybe you should wait. It's easier to split up when you're not living together. Be really honest with yourself about your SO and your feelings. There's nothing wrong with taking things slow. (Full disclosure: I've been burned by not taking it slow enough, had to bail myself out of a tough situation.)

2. Whatever you do, protect yourself legally and financially. Don't co-mingle funds, co-sign anything, give up any of your financial independence and control... really take care of yourself. If you get married, then there's no harm done. If things don't work out, you may have reduced the heartbreak that comes with a split.

I hope this is helpful.
 
ImFiddY said:
I think if it feels right then do it. BUT do it smart. If he moves in then you need to do it by the book, a rental agreement. Get one and have him sign it. Spell out his monthly costs and utilities. Also put in writing who owns what furniture.

DO NOT co-sign for any loans for him at anytime. Keep your finances separate. Do not co-mingle funds by buying large items for the house.

Just be smart and protect yourself financially. Good Luck !!!
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I also think you should introspect for a couple of days/nights. If there are no twinges that the first flushes of love are trying to sweep under the carpet, go for it! We see warning signals of potential issues in a relationship very early, but infatuation has been designed by nature to repress them. So they go deeeeep, down to the bottom layers of consciousness. Dig deep. If you see signals of potential issues, slow down. If your instinct says "this could be it" trust yourself.

I aree with the financial advise. So who owns the house after a few months of him contributing towards "the mortgage"? There is scope for misunderstanding if you dont spell this out. I like the idea of a rental agreement. This makes it clear.

I agree that it may be too early to combine debts and finances. His attitude when you ask for clarity on this will also give you a clue to your compatibility on attitude to money. On how detailed you want your pre-move-in agreement to be, it depends on your outlook to money and his, in my opinion. If you dont mind losing furniture, leave it murky. If one does not mind footing more than strictly half of the bills, leave it murky. But where you would prefer clarity to avoid misunderstandings or on expenses that are significant relative to your current earning capacity, put things in writing.
 
Ummm, not to be a wet blanket but is this the same guy you thought might be gay? (You posted about him in 11/09). If so, your family may not think you two are suited for each other based on vibes they are picking up.
 
jonahnah said:
Ummm, not to be a wet blanket but is this the same guy you thought might be gay? (You posted about him in 11/09). If so, your family may not think you two are suited for each other based on vibes they are picking up.
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Lol, yes it is!! I think I was so shocked that I actually met a good guy, I assumed something must be wrong with him :eek:. He's just soo sweet and sooo nice, and unfortunately I got used to dating jerky guys. It took me a bit to warm up to the fact that I deserve someone like him. But once I just let myself feel whatever I wanted to about him, I fell hard. He really is too good to be true. Oh, and my family has met him several times, and laughed that I thought he could be gay--no one got that vibe! Maybe that's why they have a problem-they might think i'm not sure about my feelings towards him? This is something I'll need to bring up-thanks for reminding me of that!!
 
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