Question for teachers (long)

E

EricaH

Cathlete
I need opinions from teachers. I'm really upset about a comment a teacher said tonight at the parent/teacher conference and don't know whether I should let it go or not.

I have twin boys in the 6th grade. Both are excellent students who are in advanced classes. For one boy, everything comes easily and he does a minimal amount of work and studying and still gets straight A's. My other son has to work extremely hard for his good grades. He is very motivated to do well and will spend hours doing homework/studying and is willing to give up computer/video game time to study or work on assignments without complaining. I am very proud of him and his accomplishments because of the amount of effort he puts into his work. His goal is to get straight A's and he usually accomplishes his goal.

Tonight, we had parent/teacher conferences. The students attend these conferences. One of the teachers sat down and said in front of my son that works so hard that his grade is ok (B+), but he could do better if he worked harder. She said that he's smart and used to everything coming easy for him and that it would catch up to him some day. I forgot exactly what she said after that, but she implied that he isn't putting forth any effort. I was so offended that she would make this assumption and say something like that right in front of my son after all of the hard work he has done to keep his grades up. After she talked for a while about specific assignments, I made a point to tell her that he has excellent work habits and I told her that he works very hard on his assignments. My son is kind of scatterbrained and doesn't always get the assignment instructions right, so I think the teacher is assuming that he is being lazy when he is just doing what he thinks he's supposed to be doing. Or maybe she is overestimating his abilities.

Anyway, since I already corrected the teacher about the amount of time and effort my son puts into his work, should I just let this go? I was so angry with her for saying this right in front of my son. I really felt that it was a disrespectful and hurtful thing to say when she didn't know the facts. I am tempted to send her an email and tell her in a tactful way that what she said was hurtful to both me and my son but since I did speak up at the conference to correct what she said, I'm afraid it might be overkill.

Sorry this is so long.

Erica
 
If you could, and it bothers you, request another conference with her face to face. E-mail can be really difficult to get your point taken effectively. A face to face will let the teacher know you aren't mad or one of those parents who makes excuses but who really cares about your son and his education and that you want her to have a clear understanding of your son and his work habits. Or stop by and ask if she has a moment one day after school, just letting her know what comment bothered you and why it bothered you specifically. If she does not change her position ask her to specifically tell you what makes her come to that conclusion. I teach spec. ed. (kindergarten) and communication is so vital and I've learned it can make or break a successful parent/teacher relationship. Whenever I have a concern I need to address, I make sure I back it up with examples, ask for the parents input, and never do it in front of the child.
Angela:7
 
Excellent advice from Angela. I always insist, as a parent, on maintaining good lines of communication with my kids' teachers. It's so important for all 3 parties concerned.

I do not think there is anythig wrong with a follow up, just to set your mind to rest and to confirm where you and she stand on this issue. I typically would write a response, but I agree with Angela here. An email can be misinterpreted. See her in person, in an entirely non-confrontational way and discuss it. Make sure she knows you heard what she said, how your opinion and knowledge of your son differs from her account of him and why, and make sure she understands your displeasure that she stated her somewhat unflattering opinion in front of your son. If you do not state this latter, your feelings may fester and this could spoil your communication and relationship with your child's teacher, and that would do your son a disservice.

Clare
 
Hmmm...interesting situation. Actually, I don't think it was bad for your son to hear his teacher's interpretation of his progress. She really didn't say anything bad other than she thought he was smart (a complement) but he could work harder (her assessment based on what she has seen in the classroom and by his work). I don't think she intended to hurt your son's feelings or yours but she wanted to let him know that she thinks he could do even better than B+'s.

Here's my interpretation of the situation, you see your son putting forth great effort to do his schoolwork. Your teacher is seeing a different side, she sees the product of his effort and his behavior in class. It sounds like that is the discrepancy. That's why it's good to have your son at the conference. I think the question should have been directed to your son--what does he think of what she said? Why do two people have such different views of his effort?

It might be good to have the updated conference with the teacher and hopefully you both will listen to each other's perspectives. You both want your son to succeed--right?

Good Luck! I hope your son continues to work hard and do well, he sounds like a great kid.
 
As a teacher, I totally agree with the above post. Talk with the teacher again in a non confrontational manner and ask her to explain specifically what she means when she says he is capable of more. She should be able to provide examples in certain assignments that will confirm what she said. Tell her what you see with his work ethic at home. Maybe there is something going on at school that is distracting him from his work. Do not let your feelings/thoughts sit and stir. Good luck!
 
Maybe the teacher needs to provide specific examples of behaviors she sees that she thinks could be improved? For example, in my gradebook, I keep tracj of things like effort, singing in tune, posture, attention, etc. That way when I call the parent I can say, "For the last three music classes Johnny has shown little effort and he needs to work on keeping his posture tall while he sings." Or, "MaryLou has had difficulty paying attention, but when she sings, it has the light, high quality I'm looking for, and in tune."

Rather than saying something vague about "capable of more" there needs to be some specific goal the teacher can communicate to the child, and then the student can work towards. For example, oh I don't know - "In class, you will complete X number of math problems correctly during study time", or, "You will read three chapters of this or that book and complete writing prompts 2 and 3 in your response journal during writer's workshop."

Also, I don't think it was fair to your son to have him there for a parent/teacher conference, especially before parent and teacher had even talked. Had the teacher communicated any of these opinions to you before the conference, or was all this just sprung on you? Any concerns of this magnitude need to be brought to the parent before the end of the quarter.

The worst trouble I've ever got into with parents was by being too afraid to communicate my concerns because I was afraid of the wrath of the parent.

I think parent and teacher need to meet again, set the goals for the child very clearly and specifically, make sure they are in agreement, and then bring in the child and show a united effort to support the child. Kind of like in marriage.


Susan L.G.
 
Not a teacher but I just want to say that parent/teacher conferences where the students are involved really rub me the wrong way! I don't know if this is some new touchy/feely thing that seems to be so popular these days or what, but it is definately a departure from what was done when my older adult children were in school. (I've got two others in school now.) And I would have to say the new way is much less productive. Excuse me, but I do not want to discuss classroom issues, good or bad, in front of my child. I would prefer to have a frank *adult* discussion with the teacher and then discuss it with my child in an appropriate manner afterward. Sorry. I know I am of no help but I don't blame you for being put off by your experience.
 
i don't blame you for intially being offended, but some great advice is to meet again and have the teacher give specific examples about what she means, and tell your side of the story as well. viola teacher(and other aides she works with during the day) and myself are very clear about what WE each see and try to come to a medium to help viola.

i would also talk with your son to see how that made HIM feel. b/c he could have taken it with a grain salt and felt he is doing the best he can, or he could have been hurt by it, thinking he has to work harder and that if he doesn't achieve her ideals, then he failed(which is an awful thing when he does work so hard, and really hurt his esteem and progress). whatever your son feels bring that to her attention as well, and don't be afraid to express your concern and your take on what she said b/c maybe she didn't mean that way and it came out wrong and she will correct herself. i know sometimes these things are rushed and the wrong point comes across. happen to me before and i am sure i am not the only one.

let us know what happens.

best wishes,
kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"
 
Thanks so much for your replies - I appreciate your thoughts.

I will definitely schedule another conference with the teacher so that we can speak more about this issue. This was my first time speaking to her about my kids and I was stunned by how harsh she was concerning their schoolwork. I did the conferences individually and my other son went first and I thought that the teacher was extremely picky about things. With this son, I didn't mind so much because he does rush through his work and could do better if he spent more time on it. I appreciated the fact that the teacher was showing how to improve his work, but I thought that she was being very negative about everything.

Then, when she sat down to talk about my other son and started out by saying that he doesn't put enough effort into his work, I was upset because my son works harder in her class than he does in any of his other classes. There are some assignments where he has a better idea of what she expects and he does his very best to meet her expectations. She did show specific assignments that showed that he didn't follow directions. As I said earlier, my son is a scatterbrain - I'm not sure of a better way to put it. He seems to have trouble processing things at times. There have been assignments where this teacher gives verbal instructions on projects that don't always match the written instructions. In these cases, he will do the assignments the way he thinks they should be done and I check them and think they are fine based on her written instructions but he will get a low grade because he didn't follow the directions given in class. These are the kinds of papers that she showed me at the conference.

My son was definitely upset at the conference - he was fidgeting around and holding back tears. He's a very sensitive kid. Fortunately, I had already told him how tough the teacher was on his brother so I think he was prepared. I think the teacher realized at the end that he was upset because she started searching for things to compliment him on and backed off.

Elaine - I agree with you about not liking the students being at the conferences. I would prefer to speak to the teachers without my children being there. Sometimes it's awkward having them there because I don't feel like I can speak freely. With my high school student, I usually do the fall conference without him and the spring conference with him.

Thanks again for your replies - they were very helpful.

Erica
 
I agree with the recommendations for a face to face followup vs email. One thing I was wondering though is it possible that the teacher is basing some of her comments based on the other twin's abilities? It may be completely unintentional on her part but if the teacher knows both kids it would be hard to keep from comparing.

Diana
 
Erica,

I am going to school to be a teacher. I have spent many hours in the classroom observing what teachers do. Most of it I find appalling! I do think it is important for your to keep a good relationship with your teacher. If I were the teacher and concerned about the work ethic of a student, I would ask the parents rather than come out and say, he does not work hard enough.

If this teacher cannot tell after spending 7-8 hours a day with your child that he DOES work hard, what are you paying her for? I really think some teacher have control issues, but that is YOUR child and she is paid out of YOUR taxes!!!! If you have a problem, please voice your opinion!!!!!!!! The educational system is screwed and we need to fix it!!!

Trust me, when I have a problem, I let the whole community know about it, parents, teachers, principal, school board (if needed!)Please do the same if you are really upset. You will probably feel better! Keep us posted!

Sara
 
>Erica,
>
>I am going to school to be a teacher. I have spent many hours
>in the classroom observing what teachers do. Most of it I find
>appalling! I do think it is important for your to keep a good
>relationship with your teacher. If I were the teacher and
>concerned about the work ethic of a student, I would ask the
>parents rather than come out and say, he does not work hard
>enough.
>
>If this teacher cannot tell after spending 7-8 hours a day
>with your child that he DOES work hard, what are you paying
>her for? I really think some teacher have control issues, but
>that is YOUR child and she is paid out of YOUR taxes!!!! If
>you have a problem, please voice your opinion!!!!!!!! The
>educational system is screwed and we need to fix it!!!
>
>Trust me, when I have a problem, I let the whole community
>know about it, parents, teachers, principal, school board (if
>needed!)Please do the same if you are really upset. You will
>probably feel better! Keep us posted!
>
>Sara

Our system is screwed up but most of the problems do NOT lie with the teachers. There are many other options for handling problems besides going to the whole community and it would be a HUGE over reaction in this situation. Since you are only a student teacher I will cut you some slack...believe me, you WILL live and learn, especially if you stay in public education. Teachers are overworked, overloaded with paperwork and red tape, under-appreciated, and they are human and make mistakes. Most of us, when approached by an understanding parent as opposed to an irate parent, will do everything we can to quickly correct that mistake. I love what I do, but people like you and statements like this zap the life out of me year after year. Working together and clear and frequent communication are what our schools need, NOT a tirade to the whole community.
Angela
 
Can you explain a little more to me about not wanting your child present at the conference?

I am a 12 year veteran teacher. I have always said that the child is welcome at the conference and that I would say the same things with or without the child present. That is the rule, of course, and once or twice a year I have a student with individual needs that require a more discreet conversation without the student present.

I have always left it up to the parent if the student comes to the conference or not. I never thought about the parent not wanting the child there.

Can you give me some insight? Thanks!
Jenn
 
Jenn, there are just some issues that I would prefer to talk about without my child listening or even knowing that I'm speaking to a teacher about. In this particular case, I would have spoken to the teacher about my son's problem with processing information - something I wouldn't say in front of him. I might have stressed again how hard he works at home. My son is very self-conscious and I needed to balance what I said to the teacher while I considered my son's comfort level with what I was sharing with her. My kids are very strong academically, but there are issues about their personalities that I would like to speak to their teachers with and I wouldn't be comfortable bringing up such personal issues with my child right there. In most cases, I prefer to talk to the teacher, get his/her opinions about my child and then go home and have a private discussion with my child about what the teacher said.

As I said earlier, I do bring my high school student with me to one conference and go to the other one alone. In my opinion, both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

Erica
 
Diana - I did think of that. When we first arrived at the conference, this particular teacher commented on the fact that I had the boys' conferences separately rather than at the same time. I thought that was odd - why would I schedule one conference time for two students? I was just surprised that she was harder on my son that works so hard - maybe because his work is at a lower level than his brother's.

Erica
 
>One of the teachers sat down and said in front of my son that works so hard that his grade is >ok (B+), but he could do better if he worked harder. She said>that he's smart and used to everything coming easy for him and
>that it would catch up to him some day. I forgot exactly what
>she said after that, but she implied that he isn't putting
>forth any effort.

My son is kind of scatterbrained and doesn't always get the
>assignment instructions right, so I think the teacher is
>assuming that he is being lazy when he is just doing what he
>thinks he's supposed to be doing.


Hi!, I'm not a teacher, I'm a parent in a very similar situation - 6th grade son (okay not twins) - smart works hard, but seems to take him forever to do things, a little scattered and doesn't always get assignments correct. I have recently come to the conclusion and were are starting the process of gathering info, that even though my son is bright - he is in the gifted program, he may also have a learning disability - add - attention deficit. I am in no way suggesting that this is the case for your son, but I think the thing to focus on here is the fact that you say he works so long and hard and the fact that the teacher thinks he does not focus at school - maybe something is going on here. It is often harder to catch these things with bright children because they are so bright and find ways to hide things. I hope my response does not trouble you - I just wanted to give you food for thought. I hope all goes well for you.

>
>
 
Your response didn't trouble me at all. Our boys sound very similar. I've suspected a learning disability for a long time and have brought it up with his teachers many times, but none of them seemed concerned. It's frustrating because I've always felt like something was a little off with him, but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. He had a traumatic birth experience and was deprived of oxygen, so I always thought that caused some kind of brain damage but I've recently met a woman with a son with similar problems and his birth was normal.

Thanks for your thoughts - it's nice to know that someone else is going through the same thing. I hope that all works out well with your son, too! :)

Erica
 
Erica,

I'm a teacher also and just wanted to weigh in. Definitely schedule that appointment to talk to the teacher about how hard your son is working. I agree with one of the earlier posters that there is a distinct possibility that she assumes (unfairly) that he is not working to his potential because learning comes easier to his brother. Or it's possible that she sees a different kid than you see at home. This happens often. It was certainly true for me as a student. My report cards would say I was conscientious and mature and my mom would look at it and say, "Who is this kid?" (At home, I was a silly laughing hyena.) At any rate, I would also mention the confusion about the assignment directions. She may not realize that she is sending out conflicting messages. (A parent brought this to my attention in a conference yesterday. She was not confrontational about it at all, but she let me know that her daughter was confused by the instructions/rubric I'd given for a recent assignment. I realized that perhaps the directions were not as clear as I'd intended, so that kind of feedback is welcome and helpful.) Please encourage your son, too, to speak up and ask for clarification when needed. And finally, I would request an evaluation by the child study team. Jot down the things you see that cause you to believe he might have a learning disability and press for it.

On a final note, I just want to thank Angela for your response to the offensive post by the pre-service teacher who felt a need to trash the profession. Going to the principal, school board, superintendent, etc. for an issue like this is absurd. It's not an effective first step to addressing the problem and just makes the parent look like a fool.

Good luck, Erica!
 
Angela,

Thanks for "letting this slide", but I am surrounded by teachers, my mom, mil, and fil. Like I said before and I will say it again, what I see teachers do/say is crazy!!! Not all, but alot. I know what I am talking about!!!!

Now, I did not say to go blow up in her face. I said to keep good communication with your teachers. If there is a problem and the teacher won't listen or do anything about it (powertrip) then yes, get as many people involved!!! Strength in numbers!!!!

As a "student teacher", I am learning what not to do when I am a "teacher".

Sara
 
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