Question for SAHMs


DH is considering applying for a job out of state. Of course this would mean that we would have to move. I've worked hard my entire life (I'm only 31) and have worked for a very good company these past 10 years. However DH is the big breadwinner, making more than twice what I make. If he got this job out of state then he would be making more than we make together. This would mean that I could stay at home with my two children. My DS just turned 5 and DD will be 2 in September. Do you ever regret staying at home instead of working? I love my kids but I like adult interaction too. I always told myself I would not be a SAHM because my dad died at a young age, 35, leaving my mom, a SAHM, with us 4 kids. It was so hard on her to make ends meet and I vowed never to put myself in a situation where I would be solely supported by someone in case this situation were to happen to me.

Sorry for my rambling. I really do not mean to offend anyone by my question.
I left the paid workforce at age 33 in anticipation of our first daughter's adoption. I left a high stress, low money field (journalism) that also had a lot of self-fulfillment and ego stroking.

I don't regret staying home to raise my daughters (now 7 and 5). There are days that are better than others. Sometimes it sucks. Most of the time it's fine. They are finally old enough that I can get time here and there for myself during the day (but always on the job, so to speak). And early on we figured out how Mommy could get her workout in.

For me, I treat it like a job (and it IS a job). I have a list of things I want to do every day (everything from working out to errands) and I like being able to cross them all off ;-) .

You can have a lot of adult interaction as well ... your children are old enough for playgroups, Mom's Night Out, book groups, schools, etc. You will have to work at it, especially being in a new town, but once you get connected you will have a lot of people to talk to.

Financially, you need to plan. You need to take a look at your finances and figure out life insurance, debt loads, etc. You can never predict what the future holds, you can just prepare to the best of your ability.

In the end, it might not be for you. Who knows? But you could try it for a few months, get your family settled and see how you like it.

I left the workforce when my son was 1, at age 27. I made more than my husband. I was able to do work part time from home starting when he was 2. I did that for 17 years. 3 years ago when my kids were 16 and 11, I went back to work full time.....and now make more than my husband. I was scared at first too, it is natural. But you will find adult interaction. Sign your kids up for all those fun things they cannot do now because they are at the sitters. That is where the adults are, taking their kids also. Once they are in school, volunteer in the class room. You will know the teachers, know the other volunteers, know who your kid is making friends with, and your kids will be proud you are there. There is plenty of ways to network and find adults even being SAHM, but you have to make an effort.

I have never regretted those years, and we were poor :) but not in spirit.
Only you can decide whether being a SAHM is right for you or not. A move, even to a new town in the same state is a big deal - so let yourself be nervous and recognize that.

I was a SAHM until my youngest was 5 years old. I work in the financial services field and was very happy to not work when my kids were little - didn't want the nanny or daycare thing and had no grandma's around to help out. While at times I was bored, more when they were in school during school hours, I really enjoyed the time I had with them. When my youngest was 5 a part time job that I didn't even really want landed in my lap. I knew she would be going to Kindergarten and I would not be able to be home and "do lunch" so I took the job and was very glad I did. My kids are now 12 & 9 and I still work part time - only while they are in school and at night if I have a deadline. It gets stressful sometimes but allows me to be home to get them to activities, help with homework and listein to what is going on during the day for them.

You will find adult interaction - you may just have to look harder, join pta if that is what you are inclined to do - your local religious organiztion will probably have some volunteer groups, and if it gets to the point where you want or need to work, then I am sure you will be able to find a job and who knows, it may even be better then the one you have now!!!!

I do agree with what Rose said though, you need to take a look at your finances and figure out life insurance etc. Even if you worked, life insurance needs are a must to cover unexpected expenses that arise.

Also, I do not know what field you are in, but many people telecommute these days - it is what has helped me with my job when deadlines occur. Maybe your current employer would be open to this type of situation and you could still retain your job from your new location.

Good luck!!!!!

I became a stay at home Mom because of a situation with my son in daycare that could not be resolved by him staying in daycare. Basically, he was expelled due to violent behavior and I had to put him in therapy. It was not a problem financially as I have always been lucky to have chosen to work full time, so we have not done without much since I have had to stay home. I worked prior to this for 11 years full time in my field of counseling.

I do not regret the decision at all. My oldest son Erik, who was having the behavioral problems, is much better now. The daycare we chose to use had a lot of turnover, and after we were asked to leave this daycare there was a strangulation incident with a child that involved two of the staff that Erik had the most problems with at the center. When he goes to kindergarden in the fall we will put him on ADHD medication. He has had few incidents of violent behavior since I made the decision to stay home. My younger son is much happier as well.

If you have any type of a special needs child, it is always to your benefit to try and alter your work schedule, as I have found out. I was very lucky-six months after I decided to stay home, my office called, and asked me to come to work for them part time. I now work 4 to 8 hours a week, the kids are kept by my husband or other relatives during the times I work, and I am much happier. I am much less stressed out now that I am not working a 40 hour work week. Both of my children can enjoy after school activities that they could not do now that I stay home primarily.

I think staying home/working part time is the best if you are able to do it.

Oh, and by the way, joining a Moms club (for SAHMs) made all the difference in my area. You can meet other women who have made the decision to stay home as well, they have lots of activities. They are on the internet, have branches everywhere, just do a google search.

I also fill my time with volunteer work with my church.

Belevie me, you will be even busier if you stay home.

I have been a SAHM for almost 6 years now and cannot imagine not being one!!! I love it (most days!;) )

Once you get involved in things you will be amazed at how many other moms are staying home too and you will be busy! We also homeschool and have made so many friends with families similar to ours.

Good Luck :)

I have been a SAHM for about 1 1/2 years. We relocated for my husband's work, so I had to leave my full time job. I really think whether being a SAHM is best for you really depends on the type of person you are. I have really enjoyed being with my 2 girls, 2 and 4, and they love having their mother around. I am, however, going back to work part-time in August. I struggled a bit with the boredom issue. It's not that there isn't plenty to do, but I'm just so used to being with other adults in a professional environment. I missed that. It is true that mom's clubs and such help, but in my experience, for whatever reason, it seemed many times the conversations at those functions were generally about the kids. I think for me, I'll be happier getting into a professional environment 20 hours a week, which still means I have time for my girls, can pick them up at school, etc. Good luck!
I've been a SAHM for about 6yrs now and I feel very blessed to have the chance to be there during those first years of my childrens lives! If I could go back,I wouldn't change a thing! I admit It has its good days and its bad days;-)!

Im also a part-time student and am very excited about getting those last classes done and starting work agian! Still have about six more months though!
I have been a SAHM for about 7 years now. I love it! I worked in the mental health field before having my son. It was stressful with the chronically mental ill and I didn't think I would handle having all those kids and a newborn. I do not regret it. Like previous posters you do have to seek out other adults but you will find them. Once my DS was in school it was alot easier by being a homeroom mom and doing lots at school. If you can manage it financially, I say give it a go. Plus you can see Cathe even more!:D
I have never regretted staying home to raise our children. I (mostly) love being able to mold their characters--helping them to emphasize their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. I delight in watching them develop and grow and in being there for them. It is my job and my calling.

As far as adult interaction, if I didn't home school, I'm sure I'd have more of it(but I'm an introvert, so this does not bother me at all--for me a little adult interaction goes a long way plus my hubby and I are best friends). I think the other ladies gave you lots of good suggestions.

As far as being left financially bereft, both my husband and I carry substantial life insurance policies, so that if he died, I could continue to stay home and home school the kids as long as I desired. And if I died, he could reduce his work load to be there for the kids. Life insurance is not a huge expense if you are young and healthy. Of course, I hope I never have to use it.

I am not at all offended by your question. Best of luck with your decision.

take care,
I don't know if I can add much except to say that there are a lot of great stories in this thread. I had to make a similar choice before my kids were born. DH had the opportunity for an overseas assignment and we really wanted to do it but we also knew we were planning to start having kids soon. We chose to do both at once (crazy idea) because if DH went overseas he would have a special work visa, which would be nearly impossible for me to also get, so if I were going to stay home I might as well have a baby. So we had a baby and 5 weeks later we moved to Amsterdam. Then when he was 2 we moved to London for 2 years (had another baby while there). So then last September we moved back to the U.S. (but a new state) and now my kids are about the same age as yours (almost 2 and almost 5). Living overseas it was never really an option to get a job, and I was never bored. Now that I'm back I've considered going back to work, but I never really enjoyed working anyway. Perhaps it would be different if I'd had a career I loved. My current plan is to wait until both boys are in school (assuming we don't have more kids before then) and then think about going back for a graduate degree.

OK, not sure what point I made with my personal story except as evidence that there are a lot of us SAHMs out here and a lot of different reasons we are home with our kids. I think it's important for women to support one another no matter if we choose to stay home or work, especially as so many woman don't have a choice in the matter anyway.

I don't know your exact situation or job, but perhaps you could give it a trial run. I'm guessing the main problem is if DH takes the job you have to leave a good job. But if you do go for it, isn't it possible you could also seek a job in the new place? Perhaps you could stay home for a brief time and then if you decide it's not for you, you could re-enter the workplace.

Oh, one more thought--I totally understand what you said about your mom's situation. My mother was also left with 4 kids, though in her case it was because of divorce (and she didn't get much child support out of my dad for a long time). I was raised that I should get an education and a career so that I wouldn't end up so helpless (though in her case she remarried within a couple years). So it's kind of funny that here I am a SAHM and I'd probably be in a fix if anything happened to DH (though at least he's well-insured).



I have been a SAHM of four daughters for 24 years (and still counting as of now). I have not regretted my time at home. But now as I am approaching 50 I feel it is time to start something new. I took the GRE in January and am going back to school this fall. I will be in my mid fifties when I graduate and feel as though I am going to have a taste of each world.

Some are living longer, better and healthier lives and there still is time for you to do much in the so called later years.

I feel we can have it all-------just not all at once!

Good luck with your choice.


I am a 37 year old mother to six wonderful children. My dh and I have agreed and chosen that I not work outside the home.

First off, I'd like to get this out of the way... Like others have mentioned, there is life insurance if you fear becoming a finacially ruined widow with lots of mouths to feed. So, that shouldn't be a huge factor in your decision to work outside the home or not. If acquiring life insurance is an issue, I would think that financial security would be a current issue if something unexpected were to happen to your dh considering he's the current breadwinner or at least a major contributor to your current finances.

Not all mothers who do not work outside the home live identical lifestyles. Some spend more time with other adults than some people who earn a paycheck! There are opportunities to have adult interactions with or without the company of your dc. Clubs, churches, neighbors, charities and your dc's schools are some examples. How much adult interaction you have is dependent on how much of priority you make it.

I'm not offended by your question. But, I do wonder if you feel that it could be offensive due to your views or your perception of other people's views on mothers who does not work outside the home. I don't know what your particular views are or what you value about yourself. Nor, is it necessary to defend or hash them out here. Just saying that maybe this is an area you might want to contemplate for yourself.

At different times in my life, I have viewed working outside the home both positively and negatively based on external and internal factors. Try as I might, it is impossible for me not to be biased as you may have already concluded from my avoidance of defining myself or others as SAHM.

I have worked for a paycheck, gone to college for engineering, and put my children under the care of others (family, friends, strangers). Never once have I regretted not working outside the home or pursuing my degree. I have regretted not being able to be more focused and involved in my dc's lives mainly due to full time work or school.

They truly grow up FAST! ;-)

Blessings on finding peace with your decision.
If you have the chance to stay home with your kids then do it!! Who cares about adult interaction when you can fingerpaint all day ;)

I have been at home with my kids since they were born. I have taken classes here and there, but mostly at home or on weekends. My family and I always live within our means and it seems to get better every year. My oldest will be in 1st grade this year and I hate it. I hate the time we miss out on while he is gone for 8 hours a day. I hate the thought of him being in the care of somebody who does not love him like I do. To me, taking care of my children first hand is so much more important and rewarding than getting adult interaction. Besides, I have found that a lot of adults act like children!

I have somedays when I don't even leave my house. It makes going to the grocery store or library so much more fun!

Good luck in you decision!!!

Make no mistake, being a SAHM is WORK! It is the hardest and most important job you will ever undertake. Some days it really sucks, and some days it's really great. My husband and I made the decision before we had our first baby eight years ago that I would not work outside the home while we were raising them. It takes dedicated financial planning and sacrifice, but it is well worth it. Staying at home does not mean you give up an adult social life (I have a fabulous social life!) or that you forfeit your prior education and job skills. Those are things that can't be taken away from you should you ever be put in the position as sole breadwinner. You are in a great position to be a SAHM, in my opinion. My concern for you though is that you don't seem to view that role positively. I could be wrong- it's just the vibe I'm getting. You have to gear yourself up to proudly announce "I am a mother!" when someone asks you what you do for a living. Not, "Well, I used to be a (whatever), but now I'm just a mom." UNACCEPTABLE! Be proud to take on this role. It's the only full-time 24/7, 365, unpaid assignment you will never regret signing up for.

> I really think whether being a SAHM is best for you really
>depends on the type of person you are.

I am actually the type of person that is least likely to be a SAHM Mom. I was on the fast track going through management, making good money, very good at my job, enjoyed it. It was scary, and I had a lot of the same fears, would I find other adults, would the kids drive me crazy. But somehow it worked, and worked for 17 years.
Kristi-to answer your question simply....yes and no. BUT......more NO! LOL

I'm in the exact position that your mom was in when you were all kids, but you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. DH passed away almost 3 years ago and we had no life insurance. So, I just pick and choose what is important to spend the $$$ on.

SAHMs work our butts off like crazy, all day, so it's not easy. I love being home with my hard as it gets sometimes I wouldn't change it.

Our kids are our greatest accomplishment. ENJOY THEM!

GOOD LUCK! Keep us posted.

I stay at home but I have not really had a career just jobs and working. However, according to the book, Feminist Mistake, SAHM need to stay connected to the work force. This is due to circumstances beyond your control, such as divorce, death etc. With that being said, I am not being debatable. However, I am looking for a part time job now that my children are in middle school. Just so I can have my own money and freedom (somewhat) and to purchase vids which are my weakness.

Whether you stay at home, work full or part time is the ultimate decision to you. However, after reading that book, I realize I need to stay connected and really find a part time job that I can grow into later, full time when the children reach college age. Annette
I have been a SAHM since Aiden was born. He will be 3.5 in October. I wouldn't trade it for the world :) I have a masters in social work and I worked up until his due date & then we moved. I keep my license current and plan to go back to work, at least part-time, once Aiden is in school more full time.


It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
-Calvin & Hobbes

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