Personal Space Issues

6

67firecracker

Cathlete
I have a need to talk this over with someone and get an outside perspective.

I was invited to a fairly new acquaintance's place last night for tea. I've met her ds before as he works at a store nearby. We joke back and forth - he thinks he's cool so I like to bug him, he often 'accidently' hip checks me when I'm shopping. He's only 15 but he's 6' tall. Last night he joined us as we were having tea and he sat on a chair next to mine, turned sideways facing me, with his feet on my chair wrungs. This was way too close inside my personal bubble and I tried to shift my chair a bit but because of his feet it really wouldn't move. My dd is in his class at school and we were talking about teachers etc but I was even having trouble looking at him and talking because he was way too close in my estimation. Then he kept petting their dog which was sprawled all over my lap which made me even more uncomfortable or rubbing the wood on the side of my chair back. It really affected me strangely, I felt all nervous and shakey and I just wanted out of there so bad. I ended up making an excuse and cutting the visit short.

My response bothered me but it really wasn't something I felt I could control. I really felt shaken. Why would that be? What was he doing? Has he just grown so fast that he doesn't realize how much space he occupies? Is he just one of those people that like to invade other's personal space? Why do people do that? Like I said it really freaked me out and I'm not sure what to do about it. Any thoughts?

Trish
 
Ummmmmmmm.... it sounds to me like maybe he has a bit of a crush on an "older woman". I'm not sure how you would want to deal with that, though.
 
I agree with the Lime Helmet. He's got the hots for you and doesn't have the social graces yet to be subtle about it. Maybe sometime when you see him in the store (and no one is around) if he tries to hip check you, you can tell him it's not really appropriate. There's no need to bring up his behavior in the chair, but if you are in that situation again, discreetly excuse yourself to the bathroom and when you return, sit somewhere else.
 
I agree with Shelley on this one. You've got yourself an admirer. And subconciously you know it, and that's why you felt shaken up about it. You will probably have to confront him on it - either now, before anything else happens, or wait for another inappropriately close moment and do it then. Or maybe he'll just get over his crush in a few weeks and it will be like nothing ever happened? I don't know - I have never been a teenage boy, so goodness only knows what's going through his head.
 
Yeah, but not on his lap, because that might give him the wrong impression.

I'm sorry. Apparently, I'm totally incapable of being serious today.
 
Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.....I am laughing so hard! I am sorry, I know that you probably don't think this is funny, I will try to be more sensitive!
I have to agree with the cat peeps, he has the hots for his classmate's mom. I would do what Lunacat suggests. I would say something like, "I don't mind joking aound with you, but don't touch me." I am more confontational, though. I would make no bones about telling him what I feel is appropriate interaction for two people with our age differences.
 
Definitely a crush.

My karate instructor told me that if anyone invaded my personal space (he said it was the one foot radius around me) I was well within my rights to hit him. Not sure if that would hold up in court though.:eek:
 
Maybe he has a "Mrs. Robinson" fantasy in mind. That would totally creep me out too. I think your reaction was fine. If he was making you uncomfortable, rather than embarrass him and his mother, it was perfectly acceptable to do what you did.

Sounds like he definitely has a crush on you though.

I'm also willing to bet that his mother noticed what he was doing, and she may address it with him herself.
 
You're right I'm really not finding this funny. It's very disturbing. I have told him when he's hipchecked me that 'Shopping is a non-contact sport' but I guess I may need to be more direct...or perhaps I'll just shop elsewhere for awhile...or perhaps just crawl in a hole...I feel sick.

Trish
 
Sorry, I didn't mean to make light of it. It would make me uncomfortable also.

Is their friendship really that important to you? If not, I would just ignore them from here on out. No confrontations or discussions needed. End of story.
 
My apologies, Trish. I can understand how uncomfortable you would feel about this and I didn't mean to make light of it either. Don't crawl in a hole. Maybe just take a more serious tone with him next time you admonish him for hipchecking you, or ease off on the joking with him a little? I'm really not sure what I would do in your situation, except probably feel as you do.
 
I am really sorry, too. i didn't mean to make you feel bad about a situation that is disturbing and extremely uncomfortable for you. The next time he hip-checks you, tell him that you tried to be nice about it in the past but now you are tired of it, so stop. You reallyu don't think it is funny. I don't think that you should have to shop somewhere else because of his raging hormones. If you make it clear to him about what is appropriate behavior towards you, then I would talk with his mother.
 
I like that "non-contact sport" line that you used so maybe you can expand on that? Maybe next time, you can say that and sternly say "I am serious. It bothers me when you do that." A good, cold stare won't hurt either.

When he steps closer to you, step back. If he steps closer again, tell him that you stepped back for a reason. I always do this when I talk to people and when they step up after I have stepped back, I might say "hey, I stepped back for a reason..I feel like I am in your face." That way, I sort of make it my issue for them to deal with. It's funny b/c sometimes people say "Oh, no, that's ok, I am fine," to which I respond "oh, but I'm not...just my thing....i like my personal space." With the chir thing, do the same thing. "Hey could you move your feet...I want to push my chair aside b/c I feel like I am sitting on top of you."

I'm sorry, but where was his mother during all of this? Didn't she notice this all going on??? I would have told my kid to back off and go find something to do or said something like "hey, if you want to pet the dog, take her with you but give Trish her space." I would even have said that it was "impolite" to behave that way. BF's daughter has a bad habit of standing on top of people, etc. but she is still young. I am ALWAYS on her for it. It happens to be my pet peeve and I can't stand when people get SO CLOSE that they invade my space. Don't get me wrong, I am a very touchy feely Italian girl, but there is an appropriate way to do that and an uncomfy way too.
 
Firecracker: Listen to your woman's intuition. Something is not right with this boy, and you know it. Avoid him. Shop elsewhere. Don't allow yourself to be alone with him. The fact that you feel so very very uncomfortable (and sick) about this tells me that your subconscious is REALLY trying to tell you that something is VERY wrong with this guy. Listen and take heed...and run the other way when he's around.
 
"Stacey's mom has got it goin'on..."
Definitely a crush. 15 is the perfect age for a young boy/man to get a crush on an older woman (I had a 15 year old crush on me when I was 22).
 
Could it be that his family is just more touchy-feely than yours? My mom's family consists of a bunch of close-talking personal space invaders. My dad's side of the family are all air-kissers and I don't think they've ever even hugged each other.

I can tell that dad's relatives are mortified by my mom's family when we are all together.

His motives might not be as bad as you think. Then again, he is 15 and his hormones must be going crazy. He is probably not making you uncomfortable on purpose. If you decide to talk with him, just realize he will die of embarrassment. Take him aside so he isn't humiliated in front of his mother. The ego of a 15-year old boy is a fragile thing!

When I feel someone is invading my space, I always make it about myself so I don't feel weird confronting them - I say that I'm a little claustrophobic or that I am strange about people touching me. That usually does the trick without creating an awkward situation.
 
Definite crush, but I have to say I'd have to be blind not to notice if one of my sons were doing this to a guest. Did your friend not notice their child? :7 I would be giving my son (were he doing this) a throat- clearing- attention -getter, and then a cross face with a 'you're going to be in big trouble, later, mister, if you keep bugging my guests.' look.
 
I'm feeling slightly better. I love some of your suggestions esp. Timber99 "I backed up for a reason!" I love it! I'm going to use that one more than just in this circumstance.

In retrospect I realize I have given this young man a lot of 'positive' attention over the last year or so. He is horribly rude to his mother, bosses her around and she lets him. The first time I met him he wouldn't eat the soup she had made and was ordering her to bring him something else to eat on the couch. And she did!!! I stepped out on a limb and said sarcastically "Wow! You really have a way with women! You better enjoy this while you can because women slaves are hard to come by in the real world." His first words to me were "Shut Up!" I have openly made fun of his 'boss' tone that he uses with his mother but I've also done things like deliver pizza to him when I knew his mom was away. I'm concerned for him. His dad, her ex, is an alcoholic and I see this guy, with great potential, heading the same way. It's pathetic because he's an athlete and good looking but he can be a real jerk and the girls still line up to be with him.

So, yes, his mother was there but she never says a thing to him about his behavior. And at this point I think he'd laugh at her if she tried.

Over time we've become much less adversarial and maybe, just maybe, he appreciates my directness and my "put-him-in-his-place" attitude and in his 15 year old hormonal, dysfunctional world he doesn't know what to do with those feelings. Or more likely can't even identify those feelings. Oh man, am I psycho-analysing this or what? Anyways, thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me figure out why this was driving me crazy. I think laying low and being jokingly direct is the best way to deal with this. I won't back out of the picture because I think this young guy needs someone in his world to tell him to shut up and treat women right.

Thanks again. You all are the best!!!
Trish
 
Ok I just reread my original post and it does seem like a 'Duh' moment and Shelley, your comment about not sitting on his lap is funny now! I was just a little freaked out for a while.

I'll say it again. What a great place this is! Even when our brain isn't working properly, there's people here who can fix it! What a place!

Trish
 
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