OT/Grief and Guilt

NinjaMom

NinjaMom

Cathlete
Hi Friends,

Last Thursday we found out our beloved 13yr old Sheltie Bailey had cancer. The vet said we could give her steroids and/or chemo to keep her comfortable until she worsened but we thought is was more humane to put her down right away to save her from any pain and suffering. I spent Friday morning pampering her and taking photos all the while knowing I was sending her to her death in just a few hours. I could not handle taking her to the vet so my DH did. They asked if he wanted to stay but he broke down and said he couldn't handle it. She had to spend the last few minutes of her life without the family who loved her and I feel such unbearable guilt that I wasn't strong enough to be there for her. I have this terrible ache in my heart every time I see her photo or walk by her favorite place to lay and look out the window(which still has her nose prints). I know this is one of life's lessons and time will heal the hurt but will I ever lose the guilt? Did I do the right thing? My kids are having a hard time too but are asking if we can get another dog in hopes it will help them cope. I said I will never get another dog because I never want to go through this painful experience again. But then I think of all the years Bailey was with us and all the wonderful memories we have had with her. I would miss out on that. I know many of you are pet owners and have probably dealt with the loss of a pet so any words of wisdom or comfort would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for being here and for letting me talk about this....it helps.

JJ
 
JJ,

I'm so sorry. I know how hard that is -- I had to put down my 13-y-o dog, too. I was very blessed to have a vet who was willing to come to my house to put my dog down (on his favorite rug). My dog was so absolutely freaked out by going to the vet's office that I couldn't possibly have taken him there on his last day.

But it was still very, very difficult. There's no easy way around that.

I do have two dogs now (both adopted from the Humane Society). I love them both so much! So do our kids.

Give yourself a little time. Time will help, and then you can move on and decide if you'd like to have another dog.

Thinking of you,
Marla G.
 
JJ,
Hugs coming your way, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard this must be for you!!! I know nothing will ease your pain right now, and you already know that time is the key in the grieving experience. I'm sure you know this already, but just keep in mind that baily would have had so many days of pain ahead of her. She would have no idea why the pain and you would have felt even more helpless. She crossed the bridge still a happy dog and those are the memories you will want to remember.
somebody must have the poem about the "bridge". I don't have it on hand, but if i find it i'll post it. It is so comforting at times like this.
Prayers and sympathy and cyber hugs...

Wendy
 
JJ--I think the answer is no, it won't go away, but it'll become dull pain instead of sharp pain. What you have to remember is that you gave Bailey the best life a dog could have, that she lived a full life with love & happiness, that thanks to you she never wanted for anything, and that she'll always be a part of your heart. You did everything you could for her & you did the right thing by easing her suffering.

I'm sure you're right that many of us have gone through something similar--I lost my best friend 12 years ago & I still think of him every day. I still feel guilty too, but he was the best dog a girl could've had & I loved him dearly, & I know he knew that. I'm positive Bailey knew it too.
 
First off, don't regret what you did or didn't do.

It's tough loving creatures that have such a shorter life span than we do. I've had to go through 5 euthanasias so far, and I hate it every time. I'm there with my kitties right to the end, but it doesn't really make it easier: just different. I always question whether I waited too long and X suffered more than s/he needed to, or if I didn't wait long enough, and s/he would have had a few extra days of life. You can't worry about these things too much, or it will eat at you.

Don't dwell on the negative, but try to think of the positive (the good times you had together). There will be tears, but let them flow. Mourning for a loved one, be s/he human or animal, is normal.

As for never having a pet again: saying good bye does get easier. And there are so many animals in shelters who need a good home and are ready to love. When you're ready (or maybe even before you think you're ready, because it can help you heal), visit your local animal shelter and volunteer to walk some dogs (if they let you: my local shelter does). You might find a new love there. If not, at least you know you're giving them some pleasure and attention.

Also, it's easier to lose a pet if it is not the only pet. Three is a good number, as if one passes away, there is not one lonely pet, but two pals who can give each other some companionship. That's my rational for having 3 (now 4--that fourth one didn't fit any rational!) cats at a time!
 
It will get easier. I couldn't go with either one of my dogs that we have had to have put down. I will always wish I had, but I couldn't bring myself to go. If I had, I never would have gone through with it, even though I knew it needed to be done. So that's another way to look at it, you did what you had to do in order to help Bailey, and it's hard. It's been 4 years and reading your story and thinking about my dog again brings tears to my eyes.

I've got a 14 year old dog (she is the "baby"of one I had to put down), she has thyroid problems and epileptic seizures. I'm dreading the day something has to be done. I don't know what I'll do then either, whatever I feel is right for us both at the time I guess.

It might take some time for you to feel like you could handle having another pet, try to come to a compromise so that you all can deal with this loss. You never know, having another pet might help fill the hole that was left a little bit.
 
JJ - I am so sorry for you and your family. I had to put my three year old beloved lab Randi down a few years back. I forced myself to be there in the vet's office. It was a very difficult thing to do. If you felt you couldn't do it, then I believe that was the right decision for you. It took me a long time to get over it and I still think about her often. I swore I would not get another dog, but a month later I rescued my Montana (she's a girl). She was one at the time and is now eight. I love her to pieces. When the time is right you will fall in love all over again. Hugs to you

Mar;(
 
I'm sorry for your family's loss, NinjaMom. I can completely sympathize with you. DH and I had to put our dog Spike to sleep back in 1998. I still can't really talk about it without getting emotional.

I bet Bailey had a life that any dog would envy. You did what was best for her. Time will help you heal and remember all the great things she brought to your lives.
 
I had to euthanise my 16-year-old cat just before this Christmas. He was fine one day and then, wham, the next he had a massive urinary tract blockage and the vet agreed that the best thing to do was put him down. It was heartbreaking--it still is, and I think about him every day. But an animal is first and foremost a physical being--they can't rationalize or reason or live a fulfilling life through thoughts like humans cans. All they have is the physical. When they no longer can be healthy, happy and pain-free in that physical world, there is nothing left for them. I couldn't be there when the vet put my cat down, either--but I think that my presence, and the fact that I was so upset, would have made things worse for him, not better. Know that you did the right thing--you gave your dog the best, happiest life that she possibly could have had, and she gave you her unconditional love in return. That's what counts.
 
I am so sorry for your pain. I don't think you should feel guilty at all for not being there the last few minutes. Just hearing how affectionate your post sounds tells me that your Bailey very well knew how much you cherished her. Please don't feel guilty. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
Lisa
 
JJ,

I am so so sorry. Your story made me cry. I have never dealt with the loss of a pet, so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

Bailey knows how much you love her, and I am sure by now she has forgiven you for not being able to go in with her. She's probably thinking, "Don't cry mommy, I understand. You were too sad, and you didn't want to make me sad, too." You need to forgive yourself. Her love for you is unconditional.

It's been my experience that most people who have a dog that passes away say that they will not get another but end up doing so shortly after. It does seem to help. Of course you'll still be very upset and miss Bailey, but the new puppy will remind you of the fun you had with Bailey. It's a tough decision.

I hope things get better.

This is a different poem than the one I think someone referred to...


WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
Author Unknown

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But, as I turned to heel away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die.
I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?
The frisbee I would gladly chase,
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold".

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.

But, then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My dog-heart filled with sorrow.

But then I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each days's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.

But good dogs are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.
 
Oh I'm so very sorry about your dog , I went thru something similar with one of my dogs .I still cry .Anyhow 1.5 years later I finally got a new puppy . Now 4 months into it I keep telling him how My old "Buddy " Would love him so much . Hes now apart of the family and Buddy is still here ,in spirit . Ummm Old saying .."Our Dogs dont live our whole life ,but they make Our Lives whole ." This is so true. Thats why it hurts ...Hugs to you ,time will help .You will want a new puppy one day .:) :) :)
 
Rainbow bridge

I found the poem i was talking about. I love this.



The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...
 
You are not alone, JJ. There are many pet/dog owners who are unable to be there when a pet is put down. It is not an easy thing to do or witness. Don't feel bad, and your DH should not feel bad either. I am sure that Bailey holds no grudges. Bailey knows you loved her sooo much and she knows why no one was there with her and understands that. She doesn't want you to feel guilty and you shouldn't. This all could sound a bit silly to some when talking about a dog but I really believe it. Please try to move on from those feelings of guilt. Miss her? YES. Love her? YES. Wish she were still around? OFCOURSE YOU DO. But don't feel guilty for not being there. It's not something everyone can handle. Well, you all will be in my thoughts. Time will heal you and soon you will be able to remember Bailey with a smile instead of a tear.

As far as getting another dog? That is up to you. But to me, it sounds like deep down you love the idea but are afraid of the inevitable. Live for today-get that new pup and love it just as much as you loved your Bailey! Don't worry about anything else until you are faced with it and that (God willing) won't be for several several years.

Take Care.
~Wendy~

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Thank you all for your kind words, poems, and for sharing your own experiences. I admire the strength and courage of those who could remain with their beloved pet while he/she was being euthanized. I wish I could have been that strong.

Sending ((( hugs ))) to all of you for giving comfort to my aching heart.

JJ
 
when it was time to let kassie, my 16 year old cat, go... my hubby had to make all the calls to the vets.. i had tearfully let him know my wishes ahead of time.... however i did go... it was the hardest thing i ever had to do....

you would find something to feel guilty about if it wasn't the not going to the vet issue.. i did... i wondered if i waited too long.. if i could have noticed her acting sick sooner.. etc etc etc....

in a case like this... you are going to feel guilty no matter what you do!

my heart goes out to you.. i know how hard it is to loose a furry family member....

the pain will lessen in time.. but the place in your heart will always be there...

it took a year before i was ready for another cat (then we ended up with 2)... however... we did have 2 dogs to help ease the pain.. if we had no other animals.. it probably wouldn't have taken a year to be ready!

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
 
JJ--so sorry for your loss and for your guilt. I have lost several of my babies and still can't really talk about it b/c I get so sad and emotional. But I will tell you, from my own experience, that the only thing that helped me get through my first loss (a beautiful white kitty named DJ) was to get another kitten to love. I was able to turn my grief and sadness into love and project it onto the new kitten. I kept telling myself "you have to be strong b/c this kitten needs you to take care of him". It helped me so much and I will never live another day w/out having at least one pet b/c of the joy that they bring to me and my family. I hope that your guilt subsides b/c I'm sure that you know in your heart that you did all that you could do. ((hugs))
 
>Hi Friends,
>
>I feel such unbearable guilt that
>I wasn't strong enough to be there for her.

First off ((HUGS)). And please please please do NOT feel guilty. It was so brave of you to put her first and end her pain thanto let her suffer. You had to make the most difficult decision of all and you did it because you love her. You put her first and that is waht counts.

I'm so sorry for you loss. I've lost 2 pets at a younger age and my oldest is 12.5 and each day I see her getting older and older. I know one day soon I will have to make that decision and I pray I am as strong as you are in making yours.

Colleen
 
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