Onto a more serious note - alcoholics

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
Just wondering if anyone has an alcoholic in their life that they love. My best friend is an alcoholic and I don't know what the right way is for me to help her. We had a big group of close friends, or so we thought, and she was like the center of them. She was obese for her whole life, and they loved her. Then she had her stomach stapled, lost 250 lbs. and sort of went wild with her new freedom. She started seeing herself as worthy of her attention, and stopped putting it all on others...and they turned on her. Started calling her selfish, and berated her for enjoying life as they ALL did 15 years ago.

She drinks way too much, and is very loud and larger than life. She can be somewhat embarrassing, but for the most part, people enjoy her. She can go overboard when she's drunk and be a bit offensive, but can be brought under control if you talk to her.

She stuck by me when I was trying to get the nerve up to end my marriage. She has become my closest friend, and I wouldn't turn on her for anything. Last night we went to a hockey game and she got drunk. I had a bit of a buzz too, and we went to a pub afterwards. There she started getting in the zone. Some guys were buying us drinks, and I kept refusing mine. I had to drive and take care of her. And I had a talk with the bartender, so that he was giving her gingerale with just a splash of whiskey, so she'd think she was still drinking.

I don't lecture her, or try to change her, but I'm very concerned for her. I told her last night she's an alcoholic and she laughed and said she knows. But really, what else can I do? One of the reasons she is no longer friends with the people she used to consider her friends is because they butted in and tried an "intervention". Of course, they came off as judgmental and phony... she resented it and it did more harm than good.

Is there a way to help her help herself, or just let her go and be there for her when she needs me?
 
I have no advice for you, unfortunately, but I wanted to tell you I think your friend is lucky to have you in her life.

-Beth
 
Boy, that's a tough one. It looks like everyone has tried to help her. I have known some people who either drink too much and/or turn into someone else! I usually distance myself after I've let them know they are out of control. Some people eventually get it, some need to hit bottom.

Maybe you should just give her the AA phone number/group meeting information and offer to go with her and help her out. Otherwise, she'll regret when she has no friends and has made very bad mistakes that she'll never be able to undo. Then, I'd walk away and let her think about it. I know it sounds harsh,but you can't keep going out with her thereby condoning the drinking.
Good luck!
 
dss62467 said:
Just wondering if anyone has an alcoholic in their life that they love. My best friend is an alcoholic and I don't know what the right way is for me to help her. We had a big group of close friends, or so we thought, and she was like the center of them. She was obese for her whole life, and they loved her. Then she had her stomach stapled, lost 250 lbs. and sort of went wild with her new freedom. She started seeing herself as worthy of her attention, and stopped putting it all on others...and they turned on her. Started calling her selfish, and berated her for enjoying life as they ALL did 15 years ago.

She drinks way too much, and is very loud and larger than life. She can be somewhat embarrassing, but for the most part, people enjoy her. She can go overboard when she's drunk and be a bit offensive, but can be brought under control if you talk to her.

She stuck by me when I was trying to get the nerve up to end my marriage. She has become my closest friend, and I wouldn't turn on her for anything. Last night we went to a hockey game and she got drunk. I had a bit of a buzz too, and we went to a pub afterwards. There she started getting in the zone. Some guys were buying us drinks, and I kept refusing mine. I had to drive and take care of her. And I had a talk with the bartender, so that he was giving her gingerale with just a splash of whiskey, so she'd think she was still drinking.

I don't lecture her, or try to change her, but I'm very concerned for her. I told her last night she's an alcoholic and she laughed and said she knows. But really, what else can I do? One of the reasons she is no longer friends with the people she used to consider her friends is because they butted in and tried an "intervention". Of course, they came off as judgmental and phony... she resented it and it did more harm than good.

Is there a way to help her help herself, or just let her go and be there for her when she needs me?
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Know that you can not help her. She has to want to help herself. I have lost a father and a brother to alcohol, both way too young. I have a sister who is an alcoholic (3.5 years sober). I planned an intervention with her. I contacted a professional. We (my family-mother and brothers and other sisters) met with him several times before the intervention to make sure we were all on the same page and knew what to do. The intervention was traumatic to say the least. My sister tried to bolt and then locked herself into the bathroom for 2 hours. She broke down and agreed to get help. She resents me for it to this day, but I know I did what I had to do. Sorry to ramble. My point is find some professional help. Even then it is completely up to your friend. Good luck!!
 
It sounds like your friend had an addiction to food. That is a remarkable amount of weight she lost. Unfortunately I think she may not have learned how to control her addiction and became addicted to alcohol instead.

Some interventions work, but most do not. Your friends loved her enough to try it anyway, I think. It's hard to be around an alcoholic for too long.

That disease is such a terrible one. I lived with an alcoholic for 13 and a half years. Did intervention, and everything to try to save our marriage and his life. Finely our marriage couldn't take anymore, I stopped drinking long ago, (not that I was addicted, just didn't want it in my life anymore) and he found another person who would drink with him and he fell in love with her. Years later I realized that was the best thing ever to happen to me. My life is good now. I don't know what happened to his.

Back to you. Don't enable her at all, if you want to help her. She needs to be at the lowest point in life before she realizes she needs help. That means she will most likely lose her friends, family... Still most do not realize it and they live their lives as an alcoholic. It only gets worse in time. It never gets any better. Her liver can only take so much abuse and it will fail her one day. Some do come to a point, where they realize they need help, but don't know where or how to even accomplish it. That's where a good intervention comes in to play. Try not to give up on her life, read about the disease and how you can help save her, she is in serious trouble. It is life threatening.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and my heart goes out to you and her,

Janie
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Thanks - I will not abandon her, no way! I worry about her because I know she is depressed. My brother committed suicide and I need her to know that people love her and I will always be there for her. Whether or not I go out with her to a bar won't stop her from drinking. She has other, less caring, friends that will drink with her. At least I know I keep an eye on her.

One good thing is that she's broke and can't really afford to go out drinking that often. So she isn't drinking all the time, but when she does....LOOK OUT!
 
It's actually very common for people who have has stomach stapling to become alcoholics. They lose all of that weight without addressing the issues that made them heavy in the first place and instead of burying themselves in food, they bury themselves in drink.

I say research it on line, see what the various websites suggest and see if there is anything you can do.
 
She obviously has an addiction problem. She traded her addiction to food for an addiction to alcohol. I saw someone on a talk show (I think it was Ricki Lake) not too long ago saying that a fair number of people who do the stomach stapling end up as alcoholics for this reason. Stapling the stomach solves the weight problem, but does nothing for the addiction problem... therefore the person just moves on to another addiction.

AA would be a wonderful place for her, but as you probably know, you can't make her go. She has to decide she wants help and wants to listen to what AA has to teach her.

I'll keep her in my prayers.
 
Oh Crap, I wish I had a good answer. This is such a hard situation. I will say though that you are being a wonderful friend.
This is one disease that I really don't understand. I have a SIL who will be dead before she's 50 and DH's family has tried everything. She's pretty and very smart and a really nice person, but put that Jack daniel's in her hand and it can be days before she stops. We made a family decision (DH and I) that she is more than welcome here, unless she has been drinking. So Christmas and Thanksgiving etc, we have the parties for the family, so she can't drink. It has worked very well. She was doing very well about 2 years ago until her husband died suddenly in his sleep (mixed a drug with the alcohol) I thought it would be a huge wake up call for her, but she just started drinking again.
One note of encouragement- she has since turned the table and starting discussing her problem. This has made it easier to remind her not to start the first glass.
Good Luck
ellie
 
No wise advice from this corner, either..only a personal tale. I honestly don't know the official definition of an alcoholic, but my own definition is when something takes away your personality, and turns you into something you're not, you need to stay away from the source.

By my own defintion, I am an alcoholic, I was lucky enough to face my drinking demon on my own and realize the harm I was doing to myself. It is possible to lick this own your own, I don't posess any magical qualities that no one else doesn't have.

That said, giving up alcohol does have it's down side...

Blood pressure goes down
Anxiety goes down
headaches go down
weight goes down
barstool buddies go down.

I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything!!! I love being sober, and hope that someone struggling with this disease realizes that help and resources are available, but they have to take the first step, whatever that may be.
 
I don't have any answers but my Mom, Dad and brother are/were alcoholics. My parents have both passed on and my brother is in rehab as I write -for the third time that I know of. He is 53. I hope he is successful this time but I have had to remove myself from the situation. It's just to painful to watch and we have tried everything over the years. I understand your desire to help your friend and it is commendable however you can not change her. It is true that she might have to hit rock bottom to seek change. Rock bottom is different for everyone. She is lucky to have a friend like you but I would caution you not to enable her. I am told that al-anon is helpful. Good luck to you and your friend. I know it's not easy.
JenG
 
I have no answers, either but am sending {{{hugs}}} your way. One night at work I was talking to a co-worker, a reformed alcoholic (and 12-Step graduate), about my parents. My parents were WWII generation, when it was common to drink while driving, as my father did (can you even imagine???). I told my friend that my dad always had a beer, but he also never missed a day of work, was always in bed by 7:30pm and up at 5:00am (I just realized he slept as much as I always seem to need to...). My friend said "That's an alcoholic... he always had a beer... drank while driving... that's an alcoholic..." Then I started talking about my mom, who had a miserable childhood she never got over. I said she never had any alcohol at home... for a long time she'd go out one night per week and party but that was it." He pressed for more info and I admitted she never went "partying" without coming home falling-down drunk. My dad always had to go pick her up and, after he passed and Mom retired, that job fell to me. Then it was more like two nights per week. My friend said "That's an alcoholic." I argued that she didn't even keep booze in the house and I could only remember her missing work (from a hangover) once, maybe twice..." He said "If she can't have a drink without getting drunk she's an alcoholic." He said anyone who cannot control alcohol and who lets alcohol control them is an alcoholic. Much can be argued but I have since come to realize that both my parents were, in fact, alcoholics. I'm 47 and my brother is 50. Neither of us drink (or smoke, as both my parents did). My parents were great and I still dearly miss them both but the older I get the more I see that everyone has demons with which to deal.
 
Not much to add that hasn't been said. Al Anon has some good advice for those who are close to alcoholics/abusers. But as all others have said, the person themselves has to want to change. I have an ex-H who is not physically dependent, just abuses.

Postive side: DS got picked up for a DUI and stopped drinking cold turkey, he did admit he needs to find other avenues for stress or "feeling good/having fun" than alcohol. It has been 1 1/2 months - he's 23 with a family, 2nd child on the way.

Have a friend who hit rock bottom and now has a very positive attitude - work stresses him out and he has been sober 13 days now. He calls a multitude of supporters when he needs them and, obviously has admitted he was definitely on the wrong path. Was about to lose his job.

So many can turn it around if they want to - your support will be needed if your friend can realize she needs to turn around.

It kind of reminds me of teens who drink just cuz they can. Know someone who has lost lots of weight and now tries to be the center of attention even more than in the past. Maybe she needs some self-confidence and doesn't realize she doesn't have to drink to be liked?

Good for you for being a true friend. Research and trying to get her to understand her issues is about all you can do. But make sure you don't lose yourself while trying to be her backbone.

Best of luck.
 
I am a probation officer for DUI offenders in the state of VA, so my job 40 hours a week is to meet with people with alcohol problems and refer them to substance abuse treatment. Many MANY of them would NEVER have sought treatment if the courts had not insisted that they do it -- and threatened several months in jail if they do not -- and many still would rather serve the jail time than quit drinking.

I can help you locate some treatment facilities in your area if you like, just PM me. Or look up the AA number in your phone book.

But please know that alcoholics are typically very self-centered and will lie to your face over and over -- whatever it takes to maintain the addiction. You are being a good friend to try to help, but please don't be surprised or get discouraged if she turns on you. You can only do so much!

I wish you lots of luck!!
 
I don't have much to add either, except that I would be sure to make any outings with this person non-alcohol related, both so she avoids temptation, and to show her that she can have a good time without it.
 
alanon

Its a group for people who are friends/family of those with an alcohol addiction. I understand that it can be really helpful. Good luck with this,

I hope that she tries to find help. It seems to me that she is either a person with an addictive personality and or she is so unhappy on the inside that when she no longer had the option to abuse food she had to turn to another substance just to get by. I'm so sorry for her and for you too. Its tough to watch this stuff. She may not know this, but a lot of people who drink don't realize that it causes depression. It is a depressant! Very serious that bit, it can cause/lead to suicide. The other thing is that when a person has a chemical addiction of any kind the substance high jacks their brains, so when they get that look in their eye the one that says I'VE GOTTA GET MY FIX its not the person inside, its the addiction. Its like they are possessed. But the trick is to make contact with the real person inside and with help they can get a hold of their demon. But, they can't do it if they don't actually want to because of some other fear. Many people drink to forget abuse. It does work. But it simultaneously makes you feel like poop.

My aunt Patricia died from it. My uncle is lost to it. And I avoid it. Alcoholism seems to coincide with depressives, people with liver problems, diabetes, insulin resistance and other problems.

Also, you might look into tough love. AND watch her like a hawk for alcohol poisoning. I think she needs the help of a good therapist to help with what is eating her as well as the help of someone who really knows how to deal with alcoholism and those post bariatric surgery. Some of the problem is that her internal system is different and how one metabolizes alcohol changes with those kinds of surgeries. She may need to be brought up short by a medical doctor who tells her that she can DYE from alcohol.
 
dss62467 said:
Yeah, I found the schedule for the local Al-Anon meetings and might go to some. Can't hurt, eh?
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My mom is an Alcoholic and I have done Al anon. I always find a meeting when she gets in my head too much.

One thing I know for sure and I've scene a lot of other people say it...you can't make her stop...you can be your friend, but you have to know...she can't be your problem.

There are a lot of GREAT People at Alanon!
Celeste
 
My father who died when I was in my 20's was an alcoholic for most of my life (and his!). I just want to agree with the many posters who have said that you can't make an alcoholic quit. It's a disease, thus they aren't really deciding to drink over someone or something else. That's a tough thing to realize and something that took me 10 years to understand. Just don't enable and make sure that she knows how you feel about the disease and offer support.
 
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