O/T - relationships, what's important?

S

shamnas

Cathlete
Hi all,

This is very personal so I understand if its difficult to respond.

How important is the sex in your relationship?
How important is having a significant other (boyfriend, husband, etc) who compliments you when you look nice?
Are you vain if you like having someone who tells you you are beautiful and makes you feel sexy, someone who always wants to hug you and is very affectionate or would you settle for someone who isn't this way but is a great person otherwise?


Thanks in advance for any responses,
much appreciated.
Sham
 
Sex is important, but it isn't the most important part of my marriage. We go for quality and not quantity, if you know what I mean.

I don't really think it's important for my husband to compliment me when I look nice. It's certainly appreciated when he does compliment me, but I don't consider it "important."

I personally think a person is vain if they feel they have to be with someone who constantly tells them how sexy or attractive they are. In other words, if a woman gets upset if her man doesn't tell her all the time how beautiful/sexy/attractive she is, or if he isn't affectionate and huggy/kissy all the time, then I think that woman is vain and, well, a little needy/life-suckery (my mom is a life-sucker: someone who constantly has to have her hand held, so to speak, and sucks the life right out of people). Plus, I get suspicious of a man if he goes on too much about how I look...it begins to sound kind of fake after a while, and I begin to wonder if he says these same things to "all the other girls", as well. I mean, if compliments easily roll off a man's tongue in rote fashion, then it sounds like he's a "player". I also think it's a little dysfunctional if a man is always holding on to his woman (holding hands, putting his arms around her, hugging her) -- it's almost like he's guarding her or something, or that he's trying to tell her and the world, "She belongs to me, so back off." It also indicates that he might be insecure. I dated a guy once who always "hung on to me", and after a while I felt suffocated. He was so insecure and seemed to be hanging on to me so he wouldn't drown. I could only hold him up for so long before he started to drag me under, too. Being around him became so emotionally, physically, and mentally draining that I had to kick him to the curb.

Now, if a woman just likes it when a man tells her how sexy she is, but she doesn't get upset if he doesn't, then I think that's just normal.
 
I feel that sex is very important, but also do not rate it as the # 1 priority in my relationship. As far as being complimented? Ofcourse it is nice, but to have him say it all of the time takes something away from it. To me, it is no longer as meaningful. My DH compliments me just enough. I feel that someone who needs/wants constant compliments is looking for reassurance because they are insecure about themselves in some way. JMHO.

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

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Sex is definitely important. ;-)

All the other stuff is just words--my ex hubby was great at flattering me but wouldn't lift a finger to help me do ANYTHING. My current BF rarely compliments me but he doesn't need to--I can see it in his eyes, plus he treats me like a princess & when we're together there isn't another woman in the room. A man of action vs. a man of words. I'll take the action man any day. :p
 
I think it depends on what YOU are interested in.

If you enjoy sex and want an active and exciting sex life, then I would definitely stay away from someone who wasn't compatible.

As far as the 'verbal' compliments...they are nice...but not really necessary. I think, also, that the need for that stems from our own insecurities. Unfortunately, the more we ask for this type of reassurance, the more insecure we appear and therefore the less appealing we become.

My own personal opinion is that sex is very important in a relationship. If you both are not 'happy' with your sex life then one or both will deviate from the relationship.

Hope this helps;-)
 
Oh, Maximus...well said. You took the words right out of my mouth.

I totally agree...acttion man will win everytime!

Gayle
 
Hmmm...I'll give this one a shot even though my relationship of 10 years has just ended :-( Hopefully I have learned something from it.

The importance of sex in a relationship: well, it depends on who you ask. I didn't use to think it was important, but I'm pretty sure I was wrong. In general, it is VERY important to most men. It is also a way of connecting in an intimate way with your partner. I think it can also open the door for more verbal communication. So, yes, it is very important.

The importants of compliments: who doesn't like a compliment? Of course, it is nice to receive compliments from your SO. It is nice to give compliments to your SO. However, compliments really just stroke the 'ole ego so if someone insists on receiving them -- well, there's probably an issue of low self-esteem there.

I don't think you are vain if you like having someone who makes you feel sexy and/or tells you that you are beautiful. Of course, if you need to hear it every 5 minutes -- you're terribly insecure.

People differ on the issue of "always wanting to hug you and is very affectionate". I hate having someone pawing at me all the time -- especially in public. I don't like feeling as if I'm someone's property, and when someone MUST touch me in public -- I feel like that is the message they are trying to send. Typically the people I have dated in the past, as well as my SO of 10 years didn't follow me around the house trying to hold my hand or massage my neck -- but when in a public place they felt the need to do this type of thing. I don't really understand that type of behavior. Therefore, I am NOT the type to want to hug someone all the time and/or be very affectionate in a public setting. But I do consider myself to be a great person and wouldn't think someone was having to "settle" for me.

Shonie
 
I think the word that flags me in the original post is "settle". If you are thinking of it as settling, I would take that as a warning light that he may not be the one for you. Those things may be important to you (they are to me)...even if you don't need to hear it constantly. There is a difference between constantly, sometimes, sometimes but not enough, and NEVER. I personally want someone who is affectionate with me and makes it clear I am beautiful to him in whatever way that is intentional. If that were not there, even if he was a great guy, I think it would get old after a while. He doesn't have to be a poet, or gushy gushy....but I need some verbal and physical clues he digs me. :)

Sex is important in the sense that if it is bad...it should not be because of a lack of desire to please or interest, and there should be improvement over time. If that is not present, I think there may be issues as to why that is not present.

"makes you feel sexy" Yes. Important.

Never never never settle.

Jen
 
These are some very wonderful responses.
Thank you. I wasn't sure that sometimes when someone is too affectionate or complimentary it may mean other things. I didn't feel right about it but thought maybe I was being too picky...that I should be happy that someone wants to pay me that attention.
It really does help to get your opinions.
 
How important is the sex in your relationship?

Well, it is important that you agree on how important it is. I personally do not like it, so it's hard for me to find someone who is willing to accept this, but I refuse to have sex just to "go along to get along" anymore. To hell with it.

How important is having a significant other (boyfriend,
husband, etc) who compliments you when you look nice?

I don't think it's a big deal. I know when I look nice. If they compliment me, fine. If not, that's fine too. I think I look good anyway!

Are you vain if you like having someone who tells you you are
beautiful and makes you feel sexy, someone who always wants
to hug you and is very affectionate or would you settle for
someone who isn't this way but is a great person otherwise?

I don't think you're vain if you like that, maybe insecure, or maybe nothing at all. If you like hugs, then hugs are important. If not, then not so much. It's important that you get what makes you feel loved.

Have y'all heard of the five "love languages"?

Touch.
Gifts.
Quality time.
Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service.

Every person feels most loved when they get one or two of those, the others mean less to them. I feel loved when I get quality time and acts of service (thoughtful favors). I do not much like the other three. But I ask friends, male and female, what they like, and then I give them what makes THEM feel loved, not what I like for myself.

Maybe I'll post this as a poll?
 
Sex is important to me with DH but for different reasons than with my ex. Like Maximus, I heard the "words" all the time but there was no "proof"....no "follow through".

DH shows me he loves me by making me his priority. He tells me he loves me as well as shows me. We are best friends as well as lovers. The sex is important because of the connection we feel when we make love.

I also believe quality is more important than quantity.
 
I guess something is on your mind.
Sex is not overly important in our relationship.He was never one to be nagging me every night and I am glad he isn't.We are just the normal couple.When we were trying for a baby it was actually alot of work having sex every second day.Most of the time, I just want to go to sleep:)
I like to be told that I look nice but mostly it is when we go to a wedding and I am dressed up.I don't get complimented when we just go out but I still put the effort into looking good.I know he thinks I look good though b/c when he says it he really means it and he can easily get jealous if someone hits on me.
He is not overly lovey dovey.I am the more affectionate one.I grew up that way.I can hug people and not feel uncomfortable.He didn't grow up this way but he still grew up in a very wonderful family.So....I am bringing him around to being more affectionate.I wouldn't want someone hanging off of me all the time either.
You are diffently not vain.Even if you look good,sometimes its nice to have someone confirm it for you.
Settling? Depends on how much you love this person.Its different if someone is bringing you down.But sometimes men just don't notice things and you shouldn't take it personnally.
Lori:)
 
ding!ding!ding! That my dear, is the key. If you didn't feel right about it, then it's definitely NOT RIGHT for you. Don't discredit women's intuition.

When I first read your post, I wasn't really sure what you were wanting or not wanting. I think I kind of get it now.

Anyway, men tend not to compliment much unless they are after something. I agree with Catwoman on that. Remember, there are predatory types that will tell you everything you want to hear & slowly manage to isolate you from your family & friends. I don't know if I'm just reading too much into your post. Forgive me.

My last remark is, my DH rarely compliments me when I expect him to. I have to coax it out of him. But there have been enough times with me, that out of the blue, he will tell me "You look great!" or "You don't exactly have a six pack, but I can see your stomach muscles are strong when you were...." See, when he does say these occasional remarks, without me coaxing, I know for a fact he was being sincere & that makes me feel good.

Marla
 
Sham....after 24 years of marraige I believe GOOD sex is important. Or maybe I am just lucky...:)...my DH can be very complimentary to me, he does not necessarily say beautiful, but I know he finds me very appealing. He has even said "sexy" a few times. He does not hug all the time but we are close and I just feel how he feels. After I turned 40 sex seemed to get ALOT better...but I think we are all different in what we want....and I have to say I am very happy...:)...Carole
 
Sham,

You might try www.marriagebuilders.com There is a section for an Emotional Questionairre and it rates your top 5 and maybe top 10 emotional needs in a relationship. You and your spouse/significant other can sit down and do it together and find out what needs the other person has and how to meet them.

Colleen
 
The most important things are honesty, trust, a sense of humor, integrity and a mutual respect for one another. If you have those things the rest just fall right in line.

Believe me, it is possible to have all these traits in a relationship. I do, and I thank God every day.

:)
 
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