not about fitness,but need some advice.

L

liptagirl

Member
Hey ladies,

This may seem to be a stupid problem to you and it does sound that way but it is really consuming me. it pertains to my 18 year daughter who is dating a 17 year old for about 2 years now and it was fine up until recently. the boyfriend treats her like gold but it is his mother who is my problem. For the most part she is a nice lady, but she is too involved in their relationship. For starters she wanted to come with me and my daughter to pick out her prom dress and that was a thing i wanted for the two of us. But my daughter didn't say no, so what was i supposed to do? Well she came along and i stomached it. She also came to my daugthers dance competition for the week and i could of died with some of the things she said. First of all she said that she was going with us to pick out my daughters wedding dress. WTF! They are young kids going to college and that would be way in their future. And the nerve of her inviting herself once again. She is weird!!! my husband seems to think I am jealous and probably to a certain extent. She also voiced her opinion about what my daughter should do for her solo. She was going to do lyrical and the boyfriends mom said lyrical is boring and should do something else.

my main problem is my daughter doesn't think she does anything wrong. I just mentioned that it was weird about her talking about marriage no one knows what the future holds. She told me that the mother just wants to be included and basically says I am talking bad about her. it really hurts my feelings. The mother wants to include herself in every thing that pertains to my daughter. The mother also told me that whatever she wants they make sure they please her. And to top it all off she is in their relationship too much and my daughter can't see it. i they are at their house and her son gets mad at my daughter the mother makes her son apologize and i think that should be between the two of them. maybe i should let my daughter find out for herself.

i'm sorry that this is so long. i know i am overreacting, but it hurts that my daughter may be closer to the other mom. She tells me that I am her only mom, but i feel this lady is too close and weird. i feel i will take this out on my daughter, and i'm starting to hate any comments made about the other mom.

if any one can give some advice i would definitely appreciate it.

liptagirl
 
I am wondering if his mother has only the one son, or at least doesn't have any daughters.

I have a son, and while I probably wouldn't (didn't in fact) invite myself along for the prom dress shopping, I would be thrilled if I were invited along with my future daughter in law for wedding dress shopping. That is something I will never experience since I have a son instead of a daughter. (I know talk of wedding is probably freaking you out, but it is just talk after all...)

If I were you, I wouldn't sweat the whole thing. If your daughter is okay with her actions, then that's all that really matters isn't it? At least she is invasive in a nice way, and likes your daughter.

I do think maybe you are feeling a bit of jealousy since your daughter seems to be close to her. Just remember that she is YOUR daughter and that isn't going to change. As she gets older, you'll find that you will be "sharing" her with others more and more... the boyfriend, the other parents, the job, the college roommates, etc. I know it's tough, but it is a part of her growing up and becoming an adult on her own.

My advice is to calm down a bit and maybe try to befriend the lady. She really does sound like she likes your daughter a lot, and wants good things for her and the boyfriend. If you try to see the good parts more than the irritating parts, you could find that she's really okay.
 
Thanks for your advice and I know that what you are saying is what i should be doing. It is just so hard to let go. My mom and i were never close and i have tried to make up for it with her. And yes this mother has two sons and a daughter. I actually do like the lady except for some things that pertain to my daughter.

i guess i should feel glad that they love her alot, it's just hard when she wants to be over at their house more than home.

I actually feel alittle better and will try to accept somethings.

Thanks for your advice!
 
Since your daughter isn't that worried about it I think you need to let it go. The likely hood that they will stay together indefinitely is remote, they are very young. And, its highly appropriate for his mother to parent him and tell him to be polite and how to behave in a relationship, if they don't learn that from their mothers how will they ever learn it? Its not your daughters job to parent her boyfriend. I can see that this is causing you pain, but since you have already mentioned it to your daughter I think that anything further may push her away from you, be warm, kind loving and supportive. I'm a daughter and I am so grateful that is what I get from my mother, it has made a monumental difference in my life as to what I have been willing to do and more importantly not do.
 
No biggie

I think most girls like at least one of their friends' mom a lot but it no way negates your role as The Mom. Nothing can take that away. I like my friends mom cuz she was cooler than my mom, but she could never replace my own mother. I can see where it feels like she's too involved because she's your daughter and you're supposed to be experiencing this with her.
 
ITA that it's weird and my first thought too was that she probably doesn't have a daughter. It sounds like she may not have a lot to do with her time either. I agree though that although annoying, it at least sounds harmless and if it keeps up your daughter may get tired of it too. I also wouldn't like her talking about wedding dresses at this age! So no real advice other than not to make a big deal about it with your daughter. That may only make her defensive and push her to spend more time at the boyfriends.

Pam
 
Welcome to the world of inlaws (whether officially, or not)!

It's up to your daughter to decide what's appropriate and where she wants this other woman involved. It's very clear that you are hurt that she doesn't involve you in this same way, or at least, that she is clearly close to this other woman. But you have to be very careful how you handle it. In short, the more you push it, the worse you will make it.

I have a mother that tried too hard, and inserted herself into my life in too many places. (Think: one on one conversations with my boyfriends in high school. Advocating for them, etc...) This was a big problem for me at that time. She was too involved in my relationships and telling me what she thought I should be doing. Now that I'm grown, after years of dealing with that, any relationship discussions are off limits to her. I literally will not discuss my relationship with my husband with her - good or bad. If she had given me some distance, I probably would not have reacted this way. But if I give her an inch, she'll take a mile.
So look at me as an example of what can happen when you push too hard and have a strong sense of entitlement.

Give her some distance and let her handle this relationship how she wants to. The other mother isn't being inappropriate (maybe a bit bold, with the self inviting, but....). It's clear that she really likes your daughter and considers her family. That's a blessing! Form a friendship with her, and you might feel more comfortable asserting yourself when you need to. Like, "You know, I was really hoping to go dress shopping one on one with XXX"...

So my advice, is to chill out, and don't worry that your daughter is freezing you out. You're her mom and always will be. This relationship probably will not last, and at the end of the day, you'll still be there!
 
I don't think it's up to your daughter at all....she is a child, you are the adult. You know better than she does and it is your job to protect her.

This other woman's actions make me go "eewww". Much too close, too soon. Get some distance from her...I just think it is bordering on creepy.
 
I agree with Govtgirl. It seems very inappropriate for this woman to invite herself to go shopping for prom dresses and discussing weddings at this stage in your daughter's life. I think it would be different if your daughter had invited her but that is not the case. Go with your insticts...they won't lead you in the wrong direction.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top