New Attitude~ Advice Please

C

clothesminded

Cathlete
I'm hoping that someone here can give me some sound advice on how to deal with my problem. I'm a teacher and no matter how hard I try, I can't please every parent. I truly understand that's the way it is. I've taught for 9 years, so I know what the reality is.

This year, however, I've just about had enough. Actually I HAVE had enough. I don't allow parents to insult me anymore. I explain my reasoning, but they still want to argue. I am to the point of telling/asking them "Do I come to your workplace and tell YOU how to do YOUR job?!" Of course, I would never actually do this. I'm more professional than that.

Another thing I won't do is change a grade. My current drama is with a parent who wants an assignment added so the grade will be an "A." It's an 88 now. The assignment didn't go as planned. The students didn't follow directions, so because it was the last grade of the semester, I gave those kids who did follow all the directions extra credit. This girl didn't get extra credit. Even if she did, it wouldn't have made her grade an A. Now these parents want to meet and strong arm me into changing the grade to an A. I won't do it. I won't be bullied. Their emails are rude, and they expect me to answer them immed.

My problem is that I can't seem to stop worrying each time I have a parent who wants to "meet" with me. I don't mean the "How's my child doing?" meetings. I mean the "Let's rip her a new one" meetings. Even if I know that I can't please everyone, I still try. I work so hard at my job and know that it's my passion, my calling. I guess that's why I am so insulted. I am one of the teachers who care, who work hard. Not one who just sits at her desk while the kids do work from a textbook. I do the best for my students and will stop at nothing less.

So, help me here. How do I just let it all go? Stop worrying and being offended.

Hope all this rambling makes sense. I'm trying not to let this current drama ruin my vacation.

HELP!
 
Clothes,
I really feel for you, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

I think these parents are under a lot of pressure to get their kids into good schools, colleges, what have you and some of them get really carried away. You CAN'T give out all A's, or the A's will become meaningless from grade inflation. You have to grade on a bell curve, and, as long as some of the kids are getting A's, you are doing your job properly. When they start getting tough with you, can you send them to the prinicipal or vice principal or someone like that? Sounds like you need some support.

I'm sure you get compliments too. Why not write down the compliments when you get them, and take them out and read them every time a parent insults you? I've done this myself in my job. I try to hold on to the good stuff, and let the bad stuff go.

Hugs,
Nancy
 
The prin. is always on my side. I'm very lucky regarding that.

I have a notebook filled with letters from students and parents. I call it my "I need to be here" notebook. Wish I had it with me at home. :)
 
Good, that's half the battle right there!

I dunno, I shake my head at parents nowadays. I have a 16 year old and have always believed in natural consequences - if she mucks around and doesn't complete her assignment, oh well!

Apparently a lot of parents intervene at the college level, too. Yikes! It makes me wonder what kind of adults the next generation is going to turn out to be.
 
I'm a middle school teacher in a district where the parents can be pretty intense about grades, so I absolutely understand where you are coming from. (I previously taught in a district where the parent attitude was, "He's YOUR problem from 7 to 3.")

You sound like a fair and thoughtful professional...because you're so dedicated and caring, it is hard to "let it go" at the end of the day. But stick to your guns when you know it's the right thing and try not to obsess or dwell on the situations that can't be smoothed over...Accept the fact that sometimes that happens -- you are going to have a parent who is simply unreasonable -- even though you've done the best you can.

When dealing with an angry parent, I try to remember that his/her child is the most important thing in the world to them - and understandably so. Very often it is just a matter of having a chance to explain your reasoning. As I'm sure you well know in your numerous years of experience, the kid's perception of things might very well be coloring the parent's perspective as well. (I can't tell you how often I've heard students say the extreme, "Such-and-such teacher HATES me" when they earned a less than desirable grade or were discplined.) A colleague I used to work with sometimes joked to parents, "If you don't believe everything your child says happens at school, I promise I won't believe everything he says happens at home."

The key to not being insulted and stressed out, I think, is to remember that all of us - teachers, parents, and students - are human. Most of the time things *can* be resolved, but as you said, you can't please everyone all the time because sometimes what they may want in that particular instance is not necessarily the right thing. That's when you trust your professional judgment and move on.
 
From a parent with 2 boys in school, I want to say thank you so much for caring!! Oh how I wish all teachers had your mentality. I have met with (thankfully just a few) teachers who you know just need to retire because you can tell they just don't give a flying flip. They are just doing their time.....

That being said, give yourself a big pat on the back for doing what you believe is the right thing for your students. I tend to be a defensive person so when I feel like I'm being attacked by someone about how I have handled something - watch out}( It's really hard for me to just take the information in and process it before making a calm conclusion about the situation. So, sometimes I just meet with someone, take the information in, and then tell them that I will think about it, consider it, and give them an answer in a day or so. It gives me time to truly process the situation honestly and weigh the pros and cons, then make a level headed decision and support my decision with real thought and not just emotion. Because if I make a decision based on emotion, I will stick to my guns even if I'm wrong - what can I say...I'm stubborn. I'm not sure if this will work in your situation or not.

Also, the parents are probably locked and loaded before they even step through the door. The best way to defuse them is to compliment their son/daughter. Make a list of the positives that the student offers and definitely let the parents know that you have recognized all the strenghts of their child. This will help to get them off the defensive stance and maybe help them to see your point of view. If nothing else, it sure makes it more difficult for them to just trash you. It gives you merit in their eyes because you can indeed see that their child has positive attributes - maybe even some that they have not really considered. This will hopefully foster a team effort instead of an us vs. you showdown.

I don't envy your situation but it sounds like you have awesome communication skills. In a stressful situation I find it best to Stop, Listen, Think, Complement and come back to the situation later with a fresh outlook.

Please don't let it stress you out and ruin your vacation - you deserve a break. Let yourself have fun and loosen up. The problem isn't going to go anywhere, but you'll be better able to handle it after you have some down time.

Good Luck and Thanks again for your dedication!!;-)

Angie
 
I am a parent, not an educator. Here are several reactions, obviously not a complete take on the situation.

(1) you are first and foremost an educator. you were trained to educate. a lot of parents are business people. they are trained to get what they want. In the business world, this often means pushing pushing using whatever approach or reasoning or pressure works. What is right or correct doesn't count, it's getting your way. So you and some parents have general outlooks that do not mesh.

(2) whenever I have gone to a conference about something controversial, the teacher has been there with someone else, e.g. another teacher, a teacher's aide, an administrator. Why? (i) a witness as to what goes on (ii) moral support (iii) further background on the problem at hand. The school administrators I have dealt with always say to start with the classroom teacher to bring something up. But at some point, if there is no satisfactory resolution, somebody else from your school should be supporting you and telling the parents something like - our teachers don't change grades because parents want them to. Instead of talking to the teacher to change a grade, talk to your kid whose failure to study or follow directions created the problem in the first place. A parent who tries to bully a teacher may well be bullying the child and that is why the child is resisting or not going along with the program.

(3) in your conversation with the parent, you are not the issue. You are simply following (hopefully) a school policy of not inflating one kid's grade as a result of parental pressure. Your school handbook or website should have a paragraph that discusses this. You can then refer to this in your conversation and let the parents' venom be directed at the school and not just you personally.

Good luck.
 
Sounds like your district is just like mine. I liked the comment about not being everything. Too funny! Thanks for sharing that.

I teach GT kids, so parents complain about grades constantly. I try to explain my position and reasoning, but it seems like if parents don't get their way then they will "take it to the next level." I always laugh at that threat. It doesn't scare me. It's not about being right for me. I've been wrong numerous times and will admit to that. It's about going against what I know is the right thing to do.

My husband says there are difficult people in every job. I don't think people who have never taught can really understand the issues teachers face. Parents can be straight up rude and insulting. Unfort., this seems to be more of the case as the years go by. I know there are horrible teachers. I work with them. I keep thinking, "Hey, I'm one of the good guys!"
 
Good points :)

I checked out our school and district policy and the only thing that refers to this issue is that all assignments should be meaningful. Check on that one. I didn't know that teachers had to take a grade for every single assignment, every single time, even if that would mean hurting the majority of the kids' grade, without an opportunity to make it up (since it was the last grade of the semester).
 
So I called my prin. and asked him about my situation. He's really cool and wouldn't be one to be annoyed that I called him on New Year's Eve. He said that no one could make me change the grade. That was my decision. I let him know my position, and he agreed that my decision about the assignment was more than fair.

I feel soooo much better :) Thanks for all of your tips and feedback. Now, off to enjoy LIC cardio blast premix.
 
hopefully, that student in question will remember you for being tough and fair and appreciate you for what you stand for.
I don't have kids and I'm not an educator, but you're doing the right thing for this student. And, the grade he/she received may encourage them to do better in the future.
Happy New Year and continued Blessings in 2007.
 
Ut oh. GT? Say no more! I can just imagine how often you are getting grilled. I often feel sorry for the kids of those parents as they are being driven like sled dogs to succeed. The pressure is enormous, and very often, anything less than an "A" is considered unacceptable.

I think what is so bothersome is to care so very deeply and to work so hard and then have your integrity questioned. It is extremely difficult *not* to take it personally.

And you are right...many folks do not understand the challenges of teaching. In my state, radio talk show hosts were recently blasting teachers about what the public considers overinflated salaries, 7 to 3 working hours, and state holidays and summers off. Sometimes it does feel like a thankless job. Of course, like you, I've seen my share of "dead weight" teachers, too, but I believe they are truly in the minority. Most are passionate about teaching and lifting up their students. I think you/we just have to keep our chins up and continue fighting the good fight! :) Having a supportive admin certainly makes a difference.
 
Clothesminded -

I am a school teacher too, and believe me, after 14 years, parents still scare the he!! out of me.

If you know that you are meeting with a particularly difficult parent, or having a phone call, is it possible to have the principal there? Just like the above poster said, it's always good to have a witness, and some parents do back off when the head honcho is present.

Just remember - you are the professional and sometimes our job involves training the parent as well as the child. I've found a lot of the parents of difficult students have bad feelings about school themselves and have passed those attitudes on to their children.

It's so hard for us to not take things personally because we really do care about these kids, and it just breaks our hearts when we get stomped on by people who very well may be acting out their own negative school dramas on us.

Hang in there! And keep focusing the parents back to the issue - their child, that child's success, and your desire to see that child succeed.

I guess I really haven't helped any, but remember, the rest of us are pulling for you!

Susan L.G.
 
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