need words of wisdom at a tough time

workingToBeFit

workingToBeFit

Cathlete
Hi,
Well, to make a long story short, my mother died three weeks ago, and since then, the only thing I feel like doing is sitting on my favorite chair and staring into space. Before that, I was working out 6 days a week, had lost 20 pounds and was gaining in all areas of fitness, especially thanks to your DVDs. I am 50 years old and my mom was very ill for about 2 years, and I was always helping her get through that. She died at a point where we felt like she was actually doing better.

I guess my question is, after you feel like you've been knocked down, how do you get back up? I got on the elliptical today for 20 minutes, level 1, and honestly I felt like it was exhausting. I think it's more the way I am feeling emotionally, not physically.

I don't know if I am being too hard on myself, or too easy on myself. Part of me says just do it! Put in an advanced video and go for it! But I can't seem to do it. And part of me says, is it wrong to even want to exercise at a time like this. I do want to work out again, I know I'll probably even feel better, but something is holding me back. I don't know, maybe sitting on a chair for a month will help, but maybe I'll just start a long slide down a slippery slope into gaining weight and losing what I've worked so hard for.

If you or anyone has words of wisdom, I would so love to hear them.

~ Ann ~
Aim for nothing, and you'll hit it every time!
 
Hi,

First off...sincere condolences on the loss of your mother.

Secondly, the best advive I could offer is to disqualify yourself, and gear your efforts towards your mother's memory, or the people who rely on you. Sometimes it's hard to do something for yourself at a time like this, so do it for someone else, maybe even a favorite pet!! Anything or anyone who needs your energy or efforts is worth your best.

When I was diagnosed with depression years ago, I put all of my efforts into doing it for my wife. Whether or not I deserved it or not, she was worth all of my efforts..still is. Once I had someone else to fight for, to worry about, my energy level returned, and I was able to get up and running again, and you will as well. You're the same person you were before your mother passed, you need to remember that...lean on the memories to get you through this, and next thing you know, you'll be rocking out again!!

Do it for those you love, it wil be returned to you.

I don't claim to be an expert, but that is what worked for me when I needed it most!:)

jerry
 
Wow Ann! That is sooo tough! I remember how hard it was when I lost my mom in a car accident. (She was only 43!) It sure sets you into a tailspin ESPECIALLY when you are not expecting it. I would say, take each day...one day at a time. I know you feel like maybe you are being irreverent at this time to think of YOU, but, I bet your mom would want you to stay healthy and do good things for your body. Maybe shoot for just 15 minutes a day to see how you feel whether it is an advanced workout or something a bit easier. If after 15 minutes, you are not into it, shut it off and stretch out. Even that much possibly will help you feel a tad better. Give it time...three weeks is still soon for you to be feeling like you have to go at it! Thinking of you and sending extra prayers your way. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Big Hugs!



http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709


Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
 
{{{{{Ann}}}}} I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I think Jerry and Debbie have given you some very sage advice and I can't really add anything to it, other than to say that I've been there and I know how hard it is to lose your mom. Take good care of yourself and know that we are here when you need a shoulder to cry on.
 
Hi Ann,

I am sorry for your loss! I lost my mom on July 29,07 and her DH died on May 14,07! To keep my sanity, exercise is the only thing that really helped my get trough all of the last few weeks! Not to mention I will move back to Germany on Sep.17! I honestly think if I wouldn't have exercised I would have fallen into a deep depression or even lost my mind! It wasn't easy, but you have to get up and do something for youself!

The reason you feel guilty about working out is probably because you gain so much pleasure from it. Remember, that long before we gained pleasure, was a lot of pain. Get back on the matt, your mother would want you to stay healthy, it is obvious that you shared a great love between you!!!

Best wishes,
Belinda
 
Ann-

You've gotten some very heart-felt and honest answers already. It's all very very good advice.

You really do need to heal, and that healing process is different for each and every one of us. For some, working out is key, for others, just vegging out works. Eventually, you will begin to heal and feel better, thus getting back to a 'normal' life again.

When my DH passed away (almost 3 years ago), I always said that my advantage over everybody else in the family was that I had our boys. They were 3 and 6 at the time and the 'option' of letting life pass me by simply WASN'T an option that I could choose, even though I really wanted to.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Taking a break, physically, is just fine, so feel NO GUILT if you take a bit of down time.

Know that you are not alone!

Gayle
 
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It's a very difficult thing to lose a parent. You will definitely need a lot of time to grieve. I don't think, however, you should feel guilty about doing regular everyday things (like excercise). Those things will help you get through each day. My own mother died when I was 30 years old and the only things that got me through (besides contact with family of course) were the every day things like work, chores and exercise. Depending on your situation, you are still going to have to work, take care of kids, go grocery shopping, etc. Why not exercise? Now, if you truly just don't feel up to it, that's different. Exercising is optional (compared to work and the kids). Give yourself a break if you need one. As someone else said, everyone's way of handling grief is different. I found working out helped to ease the tension/sadness, if only for an hour. Maybe try dedicating your next workout to your mother; maybe it will make it a little easier.

Take Care,
Shelbygirl
 
Thank you so much and thank you to everyone who has written. This helps me so much. I will be reading and re-reading these posts for a while -

~ Ann ~
Aim for nothing, and you'll hit it every time!
 
Glad to help, Ann!! This is one of my favorite things about these types of message boards..it's a fairly safe bet to say you'll always be able to find someone who's had similar experiences, and willing to share them.

Take care,

Jerry
 
Hi Workingtobefit! I am so sorry to hear of your mothers loss. I know you are still very much healing from her loss. My prayers are with you.

I see you have already received absolutely wonderful advice, many who have lost a parent themselves. I hope you find comfort and strength in their encouraging words.

You are still strongly in your grieving process, it is so normal to feel completely empty and unmotivated. Don't be hard on yourself and just take it day by day. Being that you are questioning your feelings and energy level now could perhaps be a sign that you are ready to start to move about and feel better.

I agree with all the advice. You may be ready now to simply involve yourself with others and be out and about keeping busy, or you may be ready to get back to your workouts...or perhaps some of both. Just start with no expectations and do whatever you have the energy for each day. We all have good and bad days and under your emotionally difficult circumstances right now, you will experience even greater fluctuations. Just work with them, rather then against them, and eventually you will find your way back to your old routine and energy level. Surround yourself with loved ones too and feel free to visit us for comfort and advice too :) Hugs to you!
 
Dear Ann,
You need to grieve in your time and in your own way. My dad died when I was 18 and I did not grieve because my mother was very ill. Anyway, it hit me much later when life had quieted down. My mom dies when I was 38 and I grieved for a very long time, mostly when I was alone.
I look back on it now and wished I would have forced myself to get back into the world a little sooner. My mom would not have wanted me wasting so much life. So, my advice is take the time you need, but don't shut the world out.
The thing that saved me was Cathe and exercise. Find the workout that was the most fun and do as much as you feel like doing; eventually you start feeling better.
Remember to celebrate your mom's life! Its what she would have wanted you to do!
Best of luck with a few hugs and kisses thrown in!
 
Dear Ann,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I just lost my mother three weeks ago myself. Would you want someone to be accountable to who is in the same boat????? I would be happy to be your online workout partner.

I also think we don't need to feel guilty if we miss days. Grieving IS a hard workout!!!!
 
Cathe, thank you so much for writing and taking the time to do that. Your words are inspiring.

I have taken some steps - and decided to do some DVDs that I find a bit less advanced for me and that always make me smile. For example, push/pull for some reason always makes me feel good. So I did that today with light weights and found myself really enjoying it. I know getting back into my fitness routine will help me feel better; I'm just taking it gradually and doing stuff that I particularly love for now and for the moment not trying to push too hard. I'll get back to pushing hard again though, I know it :) The drive to go all out will come back.

~ Ann ~
Aim for nothing, and you'll hit it every time!
 
Hi Ann,

Sorry to hear about your loss. My son passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He was 6 at the time. I too had (and still do at times) have a hard time feeling like exercising after losing someone so close. You are going to have days when something or someone reminds you of your loved one and you lose it. (I still have this 3 1/2 years later) You are going to have good days and bad days and some times the bad days last for a while before the good hits again.

For me it helps to keep one of those zippered calendar date books and I keep track of my exercise done for the day, how much water drank, how many fruits/veggies, milk product servings, etc. I also weigh myself every Monday morning and keep track of that. I schedule my exercise time. I also remember how much better I feel and how much smoother my day flows if I start it out by exercising.

THIS MAY HELP...I once read in a magazine or book of a lady who didn't feel like exercising and she made a promise to herself that she had to exercise for at least 5 minutes and if she still didn't feel like exercising after her 5 minutes was up she could quit or go back to bed. She always continued after her 5 minutes was up because she was into it by then.

I wish I could tell you to just put your mind to it and exercise, but I still have my bad days, weeks...I guess what I'm really trying to say is don't give up. Just keep starting over and over. I can't tell you how many times in my date book I have the words "start again" or "begin again" or "get serious now", etc.

Cindy T.
 
Dear Ann,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! This is such a hard time for you! When my mom passed away very suddenly six years ago (less than two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer; she was only 55 years old), I was in a state of total shock. For the first four months, I woke up every morning crying and went to bed every night crying. I don't think I worked out at all for many weeks.

I read several books about loss and grieving, and the one that really helped me a lot is called _How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies_ by Therese Rando. It really helped me see that everything I was experiencing was a normal part of the grieving process. I hope it can help you, too!

My thoughts are with you!

LeanneM
 
Ann, when my mother died two years ago September 5th, I came to these boards and posted literally the same message as you. And Cathe and so many other wonderful folks here gave me the same advice: take special care of yourself. If that means rest, rest. If that means walk, walk. If that means chocolate, chocolate. I lied on the couch for 2 weeks, rallying only to take care of my girls ages 5 and 3. Lots of take out Chinese I can tell you! Eventually I walked. I did some yoga. I hoisted a weight at some point. I got a massage and cried right through it. I was exhausted for quite some time. I made it through. You will too.

Just like I know you know how to take special care of your body, take that same special care of your heart. You can only heal in your own time,and you will come back stronger trust me. My heart goes out to you at this time Ann. Take special care. Reach out whenever you need to.

Julie
Fit Over 40
 
I want to thank everyone who has written, there have been so many wonderful messages.

Especially my heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone themselves. My thoughts are with you all. So many struggles, and so many different ways of getting working through.

There's a lot of wisdom here :)

~ Ann ~
Aim for nothing, and you'll hit it every time!
 
Ann,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. During such a difficult time, you have to congratulate yourself for just getting out of bed and getting 20 minutes on the elliptical, many would not be able to do this. I think your mom would be proud that you are taking care of yourself. I agree with what everyone has suggested but can add that you may want to pay attention to your diet as well. Eating a protein/whole grain carb at each meal will keep your blood sugar in check. Too much sugar can throw your system into a tailspin and actually deepen a depression. I wish you peace and hope that happier times spent with your mom comfort you during this time. LL
 
Ann,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. My heart goes out to you. My mom died almost 4 years ago and I'm still grieving. All of the advice you have received has been wonderful. Keep in mind all of us are here to help you through this difficult time.

Sherry
 
As many have said, we all do it differently.

Lost my parents many years ago and have been plagued with the loss of very dear friends the past couple of years.

I went through the same as you, no motivation or energy to exercise for weeks on end.

Then I'd have a bad allergy attack with headaches and when those were gone I'd get back to exercising only to have a physical injury.

BUT, I keep "healing" the best I know how, whether mentally or physically and then get back on track.

Right now I went through the loss of a long time pet and an even longer time friend who was younger than me with kids still in college, all within a few days.

Big bummer, then a bad back for four weeks. This week I jumped back into it again and, (please everyone cross your fingers for me that my back stays well) here I go again.

And . . . unfortunately through all of this I have had my "metabolic" change in life as I turn 50 in a few months. Yes, I have added the dreaded poundage and really need to exercise to lose some before I get out of control.

SO, I am right here with you though my grieving is not as close to my heart as yours - hang in there as we will all do together.

And, follow your own advice as your quote says. :7

Cheers to better days for us all }(
 
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