Need an opinion

[lesliemarie]

I really could use some insight from everyone. Me and my mother have a more of a hate relationship, I love her for giving me my life but for love as a mother and daughter is really not there. She has been very abusive to me as a child. Now that she lives in Arizona and I am in Utah I thought that our relationship would improve. But lately since my brother whom is 30 something years old and can't take care of himself lives with my parents. My father has told me they are real close (Mother and brother) Anyway lately when I call her she has been so cold and rude to me that I stopped calling her. I did call on Christmas hoping my dad would answer the phone. But my mother answered and as you can tell I ended up crying for the rest of Christmas.
Now where I could use your advice is here, I want to send my mother a letter telling her how much she has hurt me and how I can never earn her love and respect. Pretty much tell her how I feel about how she is treating me. I Know if I do there will be trouble to pay. I haven't spoken to my brothers in 7 years. So you can tell there really isn't anymore family ties for me there. I am the only girl out of 4 kids.

 

[naughtoj]

Don't do it. Live your life out of town as happily as you can. Atleast they are thousand of miles away!


But, then again, maybe I am the wrong person to reply to this thread. I am not dealing with abusive family members too well these days!! (see my other thread)

 

[Runcrazy]

Leslie - think about what purpose will it serve if you do that? You might feel better but is it going to resolve anything or cause more difficulty? Also, is this something you might regret. Sometimes its better to just leave well enough alone. Of course we don't know what you're really going through. Just a thought.

Jo

 

[kathryn]

Write the letter. Get it all out. Then decide whether you want to send it or not. Getting all those feelings down on paper can be very helpful.

 

[Godivahtt]

I am sorry for all the emotional pains your mother is causing you. Before you decided to send this letter, please consider talking to a professional and license psychotherapist. You see, you must be strong emotionally, physically, and well put together before you decide to send this letter. Think about it this way too. If you were to send this letter now, you are allowing yourself to be victimize by your mother. When I read this message, I do not hear a strong and resilent woman. I hear a vulnerable little child. Please re-think this letter. This is not the right time. Let the healing begins and let go of the pain. Let work on your inner struggles and making you a much stronger and healthier you. ..increase your self-esteem. ( I do not mean to offend you in anyway. I just want to help. It is in my nature, since I am in the helping profession. a License psychotherapist)

Mrs. HTK

 

[smoogy]

Lesliemarie, I am so sorry your mother is that way with you. I can honestly say I have had the same experience. I am the oldest of 4 girls & my mother always treated me terribly but not any of the others. I'm not sure what is the right answer myself. See, my mother died when I turned 18. I was too afraid of her to ever tell her how I was so hurt by her treatment of me. Now I'm 33 years old & there have been times in my life where I have woken up to nightmares of her either rejecting me, doing something evil to me or one of the worst ones is a nightmare where I wake up in an absolute feeling of rage. It is so strong I can feel it coming out from every pore of my body.

I wonder if maybe I had the chance to really put her in her place & let her know how less than a human being she made me feel & how I would not ever allow her to do so again, maybe then I'd be able to find some peace in my life. I guess she really made me feel victimized & since she was my mother I always had to respect her & obey her & never disagree and I realize now how powerless I felt & sometimes still do.

I wish I had had the opportunity to walk out of her life so I would never allow myself to be treated so badly. As a kid, you can't choose your parents but as an adult you have the right to exclude anyone from your life that is hurtful & demoralizing to you.

Remember, even if you write a letter & send it to her, it may never touch her hardened heart towards you. But I do think it would be cathartic and as Kathryn says you don't even have to send it. You can just fade away from their lives. I would rather have the pain of being apart from a hurtful family than the pain that you feel when your mother rejects you right in front of your face.

Lot's of hugs LeslieMarie. I'll be here to lend emotional support if you need, whatever you choose to do. Just take care of yourself first. It's about time.

Marla

 

[dlavie]

Write the letter, then burn it. As it burns let that anger and portion of your life go. Symbolically you have delivered it.

If you sent the letter, it wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't fix the problems.

Your mother sounds like she doesn't care to communicate with you. Your brother needs to grow up and move on himself. When your parents die, he'll probably show up on your doorstep. Your father sounds like he wishes to have a relationship with you, if he does he knows how to use the phone.

I hope and pray your situation gets better.
Dave

 

[starlight6]

I agree with Dave. Write the letter...get it all out. Then burn it. That's what I did, & it helped a lot.
Getting your feelings out into words is what's important. Sending the letter would cause more problems & would do nothing good. If your mother was a person who would understand & learn from the letter, then the letter wouldn't be necessary in the first place. If you see what I mean.

Let us know how you're doing & if you need to "talk". We're here for you! I also recommend counseling, but I know most people ignore that bit of advice.

Ruth

 

[lesliemarie]

I am seeing a therapist and she is helping tons. It is just everytime I try to call my dad she happens to answer the phone and then I end up with shear rage and hate for her. I feel so bad for my dad because he is left alone and has nothing to do and one day he forgot to turn the water off in the yard and my mother yelled at him tons. And my brother is also abusive to my father, I feel so bad for him, I try to call him now and then to cheer him up and make him laugh. As for my mother I don't have any intentions on talking to her again unless she happens to answer the phone and then I only call during the day when she is at work LOL. You are right, If I do send the letter it will create more trouble then I really want, I think writting it and just keeping it will help me heal my heart. As for my brother I don't see him growing up anytime soon. He has been through two marriages and gave up custody of two kids and let them be adopted by the new stepdad.

 

[merrybaker]

Hi I'm new here . I say keep going to therpist . I cannot believe your post ,It sounds exactly like my mom . And some of my life . I would say write the letter and save it in a safe place .It will help your heart heal . My mom is 71 I'm 43 and well ever since I wasnt a "Cheerleader " LOL in highschool ,I've done nothing right or good in her eyes !!! I'm like the family scapegoat !!! . I have 3 brothers All sucessful in her eyes . All 3 live with in minutes of her too !!! Well i could go on and on but I think you get the picture . I moved 1200 miles away 25 years ago . Have 3 boys 19,16,and 3 yrs . I have a loving husband and great relationships with my kids . I vowed never to treat my kids how my mom treated me etc etc ... Thank goodness ! They are Control Freaks !!! keep being you !!! Write anytime For more support , My name is Mary,Just post in subject your from Cathe's fourms [email protected] Hugs to you !!!