Need advice...bit of a downer so be forewarned

L

Lunacat

Cathlete
This is a difficult situation I've been dealing with for years. Essentially, I no longer want to have anything to do with my father. I have been slowly cutting back on the communication for the past two years and now I haven't spoken to him for about two months, since the week before my brother's wedding.

There are personal issues involved here (I'm sure you can use your imagination). The problem is that I'm terrible with confrontation. It's much easier to back away from a problem than to face it. However, the times when he calls, he asks why I don't call him and tells me he wants to be a part of my life.

I expect he'll try to call sometime soon, if not next month for my birthday. What do I do? Do I just avoid talking to him or tell him why I don't want anything to do with him? I've discussed this with my brother and have his support but he didn't offer me any any advice (I'm not all that close to him either). So in lieu of the family I can't really rely on, I'm asking my exercise family for help.

Thank you, ladies and gents.

Lunacat
 
I'm so sorry for you. My two children are in the same boat as you. They both live about 800 miles from their father now. My one daughter has made it clear to her father that he is not to call or write to her or contact her by third party. My other daughter called him just yesterday and this is the first contact she has made with him in a year. This daughter is in therapy, in large part, because of him. The three of us still have nightmares about him.

I really do feel your pain. My suggestion is that you seek help of a qualified counselor with whom you can share the intimate details of what went wrong with this relationship. If you don't do this now, you will eventually have to. This is a tremendous burdon that you carry, and I don't think you can do this alone. I'll pray for you. I really do feel for you.

Margaret
 
>
>I really do feel your pain. My suggestion is that you seek
>help of a qualified counselor with whom you can share the
>intimate details of what went wrong with this relationship. If
>you don't do this now, you will eventually have to.


I think that is really great advice. Also it might help you be sure that you do, in fact, want to cease all contact. After just losing my dad, I'd give anything for another day with him...BUT I am not in your shoes and can't say what I'd do. But coming from someone really missing her father, I think it is something to consider also.

Sounds like a very difficult situation.

Colleen
 
I was in therapy for a few years. I'm sure I want to end the contact. I'm sorry for your loss, Colleen, but given my situation my father is not someone I want in my life.
 
Lunacat -

I agree, I think a professional therapist could give you the help and support that you are not getting from your family. As far as your father, I believe that life is too short to hold on to toxic relationships, even if it's your own family, especially if they are poisoning your own life. There must be a good reason that you want him out of your life. You may have to address this with him at some time in the near future but I definitely think a therapist could help you deal with these issues.

I'm really sorry about your situation. I hope things get easier for you soon.

{{{BIG HUGS}}}


Angie
 
> but given my situation my father is not someone I want in my life.
>

Sorry to hear that, but you have to do what is best for you. Sounds like it isn't an easy situation to deal with!

Colleen
 
Lunacat, now that you are an adult, you can make your own decisions. You don't have to please anyone anymore by maintaining communication with him. Especially, since with therapy you have decided he could no longer be a part of your life. Just do it with a clear conscience and if you don't like confrontations, there's always voicemail & caller ID and hurried conversations, less frequent if at all. Catch my drift? But maybe, if you did take the chance to confront him with your hurt or anger, you'll feel a little closer to healing.

Marla
 
Girl, I'm in the same boat, only it's my mother...and I'm sure the back story is a tad different. I haven't talked to my mom in going on 2 months. She's very toxic, and I just don't want to be around that anymore. I have literally "had it" with her. I have my own life to lead and have grown tired of trying to think for her and help her when she NEVER takes my advice (and, yes, she was the one who asked for it). I'm like, "don't waste my time, anymore."

Oh, I could go on and on, but all the gory details about my own situation won't help you with yours. Just know that you are not a bad person for not wanting to continue a relationship with your father. Sometimes, it is best for your emotional and physical health to cut that tie and go on. If you can, change your phone number to one that is unlisted...and don't give it to him. Return his mail unread and unopened.

It's too bad that what he did in the past may now hurt him in the future, but that is the price he will have to pay for his actions. You should not feel guilt or remorse for your decision, because he surely did not feel guilt or remorse for what he did to you. What he did to you made you feel bad then, and I'm sure it still hurts you now...so, now, it's his turn to feel some hurt. Then again, maybe he hasn't changed and he wants to continue hurting you, even if just emotionally. If that's the case, he doesn't deserve the time of day from you. It's sad, but you've gotta do what you feel in your heart, coz at the end of the day, it's you who has to look at yourself in the mirror.
 
It may help to actually write him a letter. You don’t even have to send it if you don’t want to, but in this way, you can get all your thoughts down on paper in a very clear and precise way. Not only does it help to avoid confrontation, should you decide to send it. But if you don’t send it, it helps to give you a basis on what exactly to say to him, should you decide to talk to him. Whether or not you decide to send it, it could be very therapeutic to put all your thoughts down on paper. I really don’t think just avoiding the issue is the answer. Unless of course there would be absolutely no confusion on his part as to why you no longer want a relationship with him.

I hope this helps,


Laura
 
Lunacat, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you - I do think others have given you some great stuff. I just wanted to send you a hug. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I agree with Catwoman and Laura - he made some bad decisions that he has to accept responsibility for and one being, he is a toxic person that you can't be around right now. And two, I like the letter idea even if you don't send it. Sometimes just getting it out into words helps so much. I hope you can find a wonderful therapists who can help you through this - I know you said you went to someone for a few years but it is still a huge part of your life.

Best of luck to you!
 
Lunacat, if this is how you truly feel, you should tell him why you don't want to see him any more, that's only fair. And it will make you feel better to get it out in the open.

I had issues with my mother. After being in therapie for a few months when I was 33yo for an unrelated issue I realised I had to break the cord if I wanted to be happy. I told her why I didn't want her in my life and that she should get therapy herself. I would be willing to discuss the issues between us after she'd been in therapy. Till then, I didn't want her in my life. She needs therapy believe me. I'm the second child to walk away from her But she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, it's nothing to do with her, so doesn't seek help.

My ex takes the kids to see her sometimes. I'm not happy about that, but they don't have the issues with her that I have, so I haven't made a big deal about it.

Dutchie :)

PS I haven't spoken to my mother in 11 years now. I did see her once at a funeral and when relatives pointed out that she was standing only three feet from me, she pretended she hadn't recognises me..... yeah, sure she didn't.
 
Luna, I am so sorry to hear this! I can understand why you wouldn't want to confront him. My sister is the same way, and we had a HORRIBLE stepdad. She has cut off all ties with him and won't let anyone talk about him while she is in the room. I think that everyone else has given great advice, and I really want to hammer the counseling part of it. My sister is miserable and has incredibly low self-esteem. She won't get help. She thinks that having him out of her life is good enough. She can't move past it because she won't talk about it.
I think that another thing that noone wants to hear is forgiveness. He will always have a hold on you and a stake in your life if you don't let go. You don't ever have to see him again. He is not your Dad. Daddy's don't hurt their little girls. He has lost his priviledge to be a part of your life, especially if you have kids!!!!

I know that confrontation is something that you like to avoid, but you are going to have to be strong and find your voice. Don't let him bully and manipulate (that is what he does when he calls you) you anymore. He is not the victim here, you are.

I am really angry that he hurt you! Know that there is a board full of women here that would like to kick his cowardly little a$$!

Only the best to you!
Missy
 
Thank you all for your help. I think it might be a good idea to write him a letter. Whether or not I send it will be up for debate, but at least it will be therapeutic. Fortunately, I don't have any kids, but if I ever do, he will never meet them.

Like I said, I was in therapy for a long time and that helped me realize that I'm not at fault here and caused me to pull away from him a lot. Now it's coming to the point where getting him completely out of my life will allow me to breathe a little easier. And it does help that he lives 1000 miles away.

I'm sorry for those of you who have had similar experiences. They are just way too many of us. You're all in my thoughts.

Thanks again everyone. :)

Lunacat
 
LunaCat, you obviously have a big heart. Thank you for thinking of us when you are surely distressed yourself. I wish you all the best. And I pray, your cat will give you lots of nudges, kisses & purrs to brighten up your day.

Marla
 
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