My heart goes out to my girlfriend

C

claridge

Cathlete
Whose 7 year marriage to her second husband will proberly end

The problem is that he could not live in the same house as her and her daughter (his step daughter) any longer because he's feeling too uncomfortable being around an attractive teenager (shes 15yrs old now).

His "feelings" towards his step daughter were starting to take on more of a "sexual" interest and he knew that this was not right in every sense of the word. He was feeling very very ashamed about this, to the point where he started avoiding the step daughter all together - something she didnt understand (and he couldnt tell her why!) so that was also starting to cause conflict in the home.

I first thaught he was just making an excuse because he wanted out of the marriage, but my DH has talked to him since he left the home, and its true. The poor guy is starting to slide down hill rapidly over this.......missing work........not eating proerly........but my DH says he did the right thing by leaving when he did, and has suggested therapy to him

And my girlfriend is just in a state of unbeleivable shock. Her daughter still doesnt know the "real" reason and proberly shouldnt ever know

Its really a horrible situation

What can you/could you do?

Marion


:-(
 
How sad for everyone. Kudos to the husband tho for seeing it and admitting it. I bet that was very hard for him to do. I think encouraging him to get counseling is the best way to go.

Colleen
 
Marion-

That is so sad. As Colleen said though, definately gotta hand it to the guy for recognizing that what he was feeling was simply unacceptable and making a move to stop it from going any further. I think counseling is definately something he should consider. He sounds like a really good guy who has a serious problem/issue that needs to be addressed. I hope he has the courage to face it and get past it! As for his wife...I can't imagine how she feels right now. I have no idea how I would react or how to advise a person in that situation to react or handle it. I just hope everything works out okay for all of them.

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

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Your friend and her daughter should be happy he's out. As someone who has experienced sexual abuse in my family, I would have rather had the offender leave then take his 'interests' to the next level. This may be a tough time for your friend but this guy needs help and your friend's daughter needs to be SAFE! I'm not saying this guy would definitely abuse the daughter but there is NO reason to risk it.
 
You know, normally i'm on the "give the guy the benefit"end of these topics, but i've seen it WAAAAYY to many times. I have a friend whose sister is now taking her ex to court because he raped her daughter (who is his step as this was her's from the first marriage).
It is just the most traumatic thing and i wish this poor 15 yr old would have never had to experience "dad" (step dad cause her biological doesn't care to be a part of her life) decided he wanted to sleep with her.

Sorry, this is so fresh in my life right now that i say tell your friend to make sure to monitor all visits and be thankful he admitted his weaknesses now.
 
Wow, what incredible courage and willpower it must have taken for him to admit to this and then take himself out of the situation! I truly admire him. How many people would do that? I do sincerely hope that with counseling he is able to work this out, although I don't think, even with counseling, he should be back in the home until the girl has grown up and moved out. This is so very sad for all concerned.

Shari
 
Although it's a good thing this guy recognizes he has a problem before he acted on it, he definitely needs counseling. There's more to this than meets the eye, in my opinion. Whether it's a stepfather or biological father, for him to feel such a strong sexual attraction....I don't know. Lots of times in these cases it's found that the person may have experienced incest themselves at a younger age. Incest is a cyclic thing. I call it incest because even though there is no biological link, this man has been calling himself 'DAD'.

Also, the daughter need some sort of explanation or will suffer from abandonment issues. For a female, this is a really bad thing as in most cases, they will attach themselves to another male who may or may not be good for them and hold on for dear life. Seeing as she's already lost a Dad, this is a second whammy for her.

Your friend may also start having feelings of resentment and unconciously take them out on her daughter. This poor girl, as innocent as she is in this situation will suffer the most pain...and will do so silently.

I strongly suggest your friend seek counseling for this and talk to her counselor on how to help her daughter as well.
 
How sad. He did a very good thing by moving out.The next thing there would have been sexual abuse.Its strange though b/c if he as been around since she as been a little girl,you would think he wouldn't see her that way.He must have never really bonded with her as a daugther to begin with. Most dads see their daughters as little girls, even when they are in their 20's.
Lori
 
Hi ,I'm so sorry ,My prayers are with your friend and family ,and you too , I have to say I agree with Lori ,he must not of bonded like they should of ... :-( :-( Be strong for your friend ,she will be needing you !!!:)
 
Wow. My first reaction was that's really sick, & my second was thank god he recognized it & did the right thing.

I think he needs counseling too, but not necessarily for the incest aspect of this situation--more for the fact that he's sexually attracted to a little girl.

Your poor friend--she must be heartbroken. I can't even imagine the shock & pain this must've caused. A really crappy situation for everyone involved.
 
Nothing. You can't do anything. I don't think the daughter should ever be told, she'll feel guilty thinking she did something to attract him. He definitely made the right choice leaving.

The whole idea gives me the "willies", even though I know there's nothing incestuous about it. How old was the daughter when they got married? Oh wait...8 years old. OK, that's pretty gross.
 
Those of you who don't think there's an incestuous factor here need to do some reading about incestuous feelings and behavior. I'm not saying the man was incestuous but he started having those feelings. They came from somewhere. Also, the victims here are the husband, the friend and the daughter. Just as in alchoholism...everyone suffers.

When studying for my master's in psychology, I did a lot of research on the subject because my best friend at the time grew up in an environment where her father started with her older sister, then her and then with the younger sister. The mother knew what was going on but did not take it out on her husband. She blamed my friend and her sisters. My friend is 55 and just last year her mother finally admitted she knew about it and apologized. But just think what that did to the girls. Can you even imagine?

If this man was Dad since the child was 7 or 8, it is a pathology that would lead him to start having these feelings, IMHO. Not a typical sexual attraction to an attractive girl. Most times, if not all times, incest is cyclic just as in alchoholism...learned behavior from an adult, most likely a parent. I know it's ugly, but it happens more than we'd like to admit. It's keeping our heads in the sand that perpetuates the problem.

Because I knew what my friend went through, and my education, I see this from a different point of view.

Thanks for letting me give my four cents.
 
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