My daugthers perception of ME!

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
Did I even spell "perception" right?

Anyway, some of you know that I have had problems with DD in the past. Who hasn't right? No big issues...just the laziness..yada..yada..normal preteen "stuff".
She is now 12 and lately, no issues. She as been pretty good.

In our household, I workout, DH doesn't. We all eat fairly healthy, noone is over the top and no one mentions cals/fat and so on. The first couple meals of the day aren't together cause everyone is going in their own directions but supper is always together. Thats just a normal meal...chicken,pototoe,corn or salad. You get the pic. I just want to explain to everyone that there are no fanatics in our house and no one talks about weight gain or weight loss before I go on with my story.
I truly beleive that DD's thoughts on "me" are b/c I am so young and sometimes she looks at me as a sister and not a mother, hinch, this may be where the competition (in her mind) lies.

First story:
We went to church last Sun and I wore a blouse that tied on the side, it came lose so I tied it back up. DD was standing next to me and she whispers..."you don't look good, your toooo skinny". Thats all there was to that. My mom was standing on the other side of DD and she just looked at me and smiled.

She then stays at my parents house for the week and returns yesterday. My mom calls yesterday to tell me a "funny" storyx( Im not sure how it got brought up but my mom was walking to work and DD told her that she didn't need to lose weight, why don't you just take the car?...anyway,some how the conversation got turned to me. She said "you know nan, I don't like the way mom looks" My mom said " what do you mean"? DD says, "Mom is to skinny and I thnk she is aneroxic"! Then (this is what my mom thought was funny) she says "but its her life, its no good to talk to her, she is gonna do what she wants to do"
It seems as if she would be happier if I were over weight, why is that?

For one thing, I am not skinny.Sure if I dropped 10 lbs I would be but why does she look at me this way? She also tells me I am obssessed with Cathe. For the most part, she doesn't even see me workout. My workouts are done in the afternoon when she is in school.

I think that DD is having trouble dealing with her own changing body and she looks at me ,realizing that there isn't much difference in size and she is bothered by that.
I don't want my daughter to look at me as competition but instead a role model. She could very well, over the next couple of yrs, bloosom a little and be bigger then I am and Im not sure how she will deal with that.
How can I change her image of me or is the damage already done? She also hates it when DH says I am in good shape!
Any thoughts?

Lori:)
 
Lori,

(((hugs))) to you. I'm not really sure what to say except maybe you should have a heart to heart with your DD and get everything out in the open.

At 12 she is most likely starting to deal with a lot of different issues of her own. Her body maturing and changing. Dealing with peer pressure. It also sounds like she may be a tad jealous or envious when DH pays you compliments.

You are a wonderful role model. And absolutely beautiful.

As for being obessed with Cathe that is just crazy!:7

Jenn
 
Lori,

It kinda sounds like there's more involved here. Does your mom agree with her? Because her reactions seem to suggest she might. I think I recall your MIL (?) making comments before, too. I'm not saying they are right, but if your DD is exposed to these types of comments from different adults in her life, that may well be influencing her thoughts and attitude. I agree it's important to get that dialogue going, so you can find out where she's coming from.

[font face="Bradley Hand ITC" size=+3] ~Cathy [/font]
http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/exercise/th_SnowBunny_tns.jpg

http://img16.glitterfy.com/53/glitterfy084824T933D37.gif
 
My DD is almost 15, but I remember 12 with her, 12 is a tough age, real tough, and our age difference is over 30 years.

Anyway, first of all, your pictures show you very fit and tiny, not too thin, but also not like other kids Mom's. She may be seeing that and also getting comments about that, tough at her age.

With my DD's budding, and me losing weight, we are about the same size. DD's comment, don't lose any more and be smaller than me, so there may be some of that with her.

She WILL outgrow some of this, but help her know that your body, her body, everyone's body is OK. And right now, whatever you do, in her eye's won't be right because....she is 12!
 
Thanks ladies!

Cathy** You have a very good point about my MIL, Im not sure if she has ever said anything in front of her. DD doesn't spend much time mingling around us when we were making dinner and thats normally when my MIL would make her comments. I have rencently gained back about 5 lbs and my MIL hasn't made any comments lately. I don't know if she notices I have gained some back or she is just happy that I haven't gotten any smaller.
As for my mother, I think she agrees with her. It probably doesn't help that when my mother comes to visit and does my laundry she gets out clothes mixed up when she puts it away. DD is always comming into my room, and saying "here, these aren't mine" My mother often tells me how small I am and it could be in front of DD. But now that she knows it is a touchy subject she may not.

Ive heard that 12-13 can be tough ages, not really looking forward to it actually!x( I think she wants me to look like other mothers if that makes sense. Around here we are the miniority...not the majority!

Lori:)
 
Its funny, because as a young teen, I always felt like a total cow next to my stepmom. She was 5'3 and weighed maybe 105 pounds. It was tough feeling bigger and "fatter" then her. It didn't help she would make comments about my body either.

As I grew older, I saw that she had an eating disorder and then I stopped comparing myself to her.

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is help build her body confidence. At that age, you are always comparing yourself to your friends, and your mom. Give out compliments alot, my mom never did that, and it would have really meant alot. Sounds like you are setting a good example by exercising, why not ask her to join you sometime? Something fun you could do together? I don't know, I just know what I went through at that age with my own mom.:)
 
Hey Lori :) This is a pivotal time in the relationship between you and your daughter. My girls are 13, 17 and 18 and the teen years have been a huge emotional and mental challange for me as we navigate through these years of profound change and growth. Girls with a foot in both worlds (childhood and young adulthood) flip flop emotionally with complete unpredictability. In my opinion it is very important for her to be heard with minimal reaction from you so that you can seek to understand her and then respond sincerely and gently. I'm amazed at how much I have learned about myself through listening to my Girls as they have vented, spewed, cried and talked out their unavoidable teen angst. She is trying so hard to figure things out internally and externally. It's so tough to Mother girls at that age, within a few heartbeats they resent us then desire to be nurtured by us. I think it's great that your daughter is expressing herself, I would try and encourage that and let her know that she can talk openly with you as you both navigate through this changing time in the, at time, complicated but deeply meaningful relationship between daughter and mom.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
I can share a little here but with a twist. I was a good deal larger in high school after being tiny in junior high.

Once out of junior college I worked nights and dropped about 30 pounds just because I wasn't eating as much (was very athletic in high school but also ate terribly and in huge quantities). Food at my house was high fat, comfort foods and fast foods. I changed the way I ate and that helped me. Actually was following Weight Watchers to an extent way back then - 30 years ago !

When my DD was about 12 I started hitting the exercising again because I missed it and I needed the stress relief after a nasty divorce, becoming a working single mom and entering a new relationship.

My DD, however, was/is very confident in herself and her main activities were singing and theater. Those gave her loads of self confidence. She began gaining weight and by 14 was heavier than me (she was still a few inches shorter too) and was verging on overweight. I started worrying and talked to her about it but as she grew older, since she had the self confidence, she continued to gain. By 16 her doctor actually gave her some nutrition information and told her she needed to watch her eating habits. Hard for me since she wasn't eating the "junk" at home. We keep a pretty clean house food-wise (with a few treats since DH eats whatever he wants and doesn't gain x( ), but my cooking is clean (and again, DH just adds his butter, mayo, full fat dsgs, salt, etc).

DD always knew I took care of myself and actually boasted about her "buff" mom to all her friends, asking me to show them my abs continuously ! Course at 45, what Mom wants to lift up her shirt - I didn't but she would:eek: She and I had many a chat in the car about good foods, types to eat, how often, etc. She just had a hard time with it since she had loads of friends who could eat anything and everything and not gain. Also hung with the theater crowd who love each other no matter what and are all self confident. (Now I wish I could get up on stage and perform but that is something I lack !)

In the end, I have tried not only to be a good role model, as you are, but am doing it for me and for my family.

I am a bit worried about your DD's comment that she thinks you are anorexic. Obviously she sees that you are eating which is far from what an anorexic will do.

If it were me, due to the peer pressure on our teens today, I would defnintely try to find a way to get into a conversation the topic so she doesn't end up with an inferiority complex if you are smaller than her. I surely would hate for her to turn to anything such as anorexia or, something which is harder to see sometimes, bulemia.

Plus now is the time, as mentioned by others, to give her self confidence and a feeling that she is OK no matter what. But this is the perfect time for you to educate since she will begin making her own decision and starting some lifetime habits. I so wish I had lived a healthier lifestyle in high school but my mom wasn't into healthy.

Best of luck !

ETA: You may want to have a conversation with both your Mom and MIL also - kids tend to listen to those that are not their parents; grandparents can be very helpful when situations arise. Let them know your concerns and help them guide your DD in the right direction.
 
Lori,
I looked at your picture trail to see if maybe there was something to the perceptions of you being too skinny (since both your daughter and mother seem to think so).

Let me tell you, they are way off base. You look perfect! Not too heavy, not too thin, a nice tone to the muscles.

I think nowdays, there are so many overweight people around (over 2/3 of the population is overweight, and about 1/3 obese), that people's perceptions of what is normal have been skewed to 'large'! On the other end of the spectrum, there are so many movies and programs about anorexia, etc., that people are sometimes quick to jump to that conclusion.

I think, like you say, your daughter is at a difficult age, and maybe sees you as some kind of competition ("I'm only 12, and mom is about the same size I am, so if I keep growing and she doesn't, I might look fat!")
 
I have to agree that your pictures of you make you look healthy and in shape- not skinny or anorexic! In fact, you look amazing.

I can say that preteens and teens are going through a "phase" where they are learning about their bodies, while undergoing some pretty amazing transformations (breasts, hips, height, etc.). They are also experiencing an influx of hormones (and a period). You shouldn't have to defend yourself to your daughter, but you may want to point out that you are a healthy role model- one that strives to be active and healthy. Like some of the other posters stated, it isn't often that you will find a healthy, active person. Many people are overweight. Of course, many young girls are toying with the idea of being underweight because so many magazines place pictures of anorexic-looking models on the cover. I think your daughter is testing the waters and trying to learn what is healthy. I would just continue teaching her to lead a healthy and active lifestyle.

Best of wishes!
 
Lori,

I have looked at your picture trail before from different posts, and I think you look great! Not too skinny at all.

Let me tell you a little bit about daughters. They definitely aren't all alike. I have three daughters. They are 34, 21 and 18. I must say that my younger daughters have never had problems with comparisons between us. I also have 7 sons. So, I get alot of compliments about how good I look for having ten children.

What I would like to say is that my oldest daughter always got digs on me from the time she was about 11 up until about just a few years ago. It used to always bother me so much. I used to scrutinize all the comments and look inside myself and wonder if I provoked these snide remarks. I felt that I did not. It was very hard for me.

To let you know, I am only 18 years older than her. She used to always get very angry when anyone would comment that we looked like sisters! So, when she was 12, I was 30 and we were told that all the time! She would get so irate and yell at me "Why can't you just look like my mother?" I would lthink what is that suppose to mean? It was like she resented me for looking younger for my age.

When she was in high school, if anyone of her friends or boyfriens would comment on how good I looked for having so many children or that I just looked good, she would say, "Well, you ought to see her when she first wakes up!" Huh?

She got married for the second time a little over three years ago. Right before she got married she said to me, I have finally found a guy that I don't have to worry about that is looking at my mother instead of me. I was shocked! Well, I never dress seductively. I felt like it was my problem. My DH told me that it was her feelings nothing that I have done.

It is kind of strange, because over the years her and I haven't gone many places by ourselves where people would know that we were mother and daughter. I did an eight week belly dancing session with her a few months back, because she really wanted to do this mother daughter thing. I thought sure why not? Well, we signed up for the mother/daughter special. The instructor knows my daughter from previous classes. When I came in with DD, the instructor was dumbfounded. She said "This is your mother? She looks more like your sister!" DD just rolled her eyes and said "Imagine that after all these years!" When the instructor found out that I had ten children, she about fell over. She commented about the good shape I was in for having that many children. I looked at DD and she purposely turned to look the other way choosing to ignore the comment.

DD is 5' 2" and weighs 155, she just lost 12 pounds over the last 6 months. I have been doing personal training with her twice a week for 90 minute sessions.

I had to realize that her comments came from her own insecurities. It wasn't anything I did or said.

It is very hard being a mother to daughters, more so than to sons. It seems to me that women are more competitive in the vanity areas of our being. My DH tends to have the competition with his DS's. Who can do more push ups, run the farthest, shoot a faster puck, etc.

It is too bad that our society tends to make women feel like they always have to compare their bodies with everyone else. Even mothers against daughters.

I know that this is a very long post. I think some of the other posters were right on about having a heart to heart talk with her. I know these issues are hard to deal with for both of you.

I wish you luck with your DD.

Always,

Cheryl
 
Lori,

I take a slightly different view. I think that your daughter has a point, one of my daughters is only 8 and she tells me that I am fit enough, I don't need to keep working out, Don't kill yourself mum (when I am grunting and groaning and complaining) Plus, I go very very red in the face and sweat a great deal. I put in, in otherwords, but I think she sees it as too much, going too hard. And that I am in her words "killing myself"

We as parents also need to be careful about the "body image" we portray to our children, especially girls. Do you talk about exercising and food in front of her? I know I can say, " thats too fattening for me" or words similar. She talks to me about Cathe, both my children talk about cathe. Both of them know I work out to cathe. And we discuss outfits, hairdos and the skinnyness of the crew (I certainly don't think the crew is too skinny). They don't know I get on the forums but,Lori, does your 12 year old?

If you talk to friends, do you discuss working out, diet and your weight? Think about all the times you do talk about exercise and food.

She had probably overheard another adult say something about your weight. So she's taken a look at you and decided that you are too skinny. Ask her why she thinks that? Don't start getting her working out with you, don't start pushing your exercise and dieting issues. Simply tell her you enjoy working out it keeps you healthy and then share a chocolate bar with her. :)

No one here sees you as anorexic, but why does your daughter? I have to agree with Cathy, who said, she thought there might be some underlying issues here. Try to look at why she is thinking this way. And approach the solution from that direction.


Andrea
 
Cheryl, thanks so much for your story! I was 17 (almost 18) when I had DD. She just turned 12 on the 22nd and I won't be 30 until Aug, so its about the same age dif. I think I am also a little concerned b/c I have a friend who had a daughter at a young age as well. Then she waited 8 yrs to have another child. Both of her kids take after her husbands side, heavy chested,short and chubby. While she is tall and VERY thin. She ended up having a lot of problems with her older child. Im not sure if it was b/c she brought a baby into the house and it went from there or b/c her mother looked more like her sister and was very thin.
Although DD is not chubby at all, I have brought a baby into the house after 11 yrs of just the 3 of us...now there are 4. Im hoping not to have the same problems my friend had with her daughter b/c it sure did take a toll on her. So I have to watch every angle. Im trying not to baby the baby to much, all while trying to look like a mother and not a sister;)
I think on some level she may be happy to have a young mother but then there are times I think she isn't. She says that her friends say her parents are cool and I think she likes that.

As for having 10 kids:eek: :eek: Yowza~~! You must really like children!!!:) I bet you are a great mom!

Lori:)
 
Andrea, no,no and more no's:) In my post I wanted to get the point very clear that no one in this house talks about "diet" She knows we all eat fairly healthy but we don't diet. She just hid her chocolate easter bunny away from my yesterday b/c she knew I would eat it on her.
As for working out, she doesn't see me working out. I workout, while she is in school. I don't talk about exercise in front of her and matter of fact, this is the only place I talk about exercise. None of my friends work out so I dont bore them with it either. You know how you get those gym rats that what to share their workouts with the world? Well thats the person I try not to be. If someone asks me something about working out or running when we are at a party, I totally change the subject b/c there are always people in the room who will roll their eyes b/c they figure someone as started something.

We have never discussed Cathes crew either. She as never once brought that up.
I think its the age thing. She looks at me as a sister figure.

Lori:)
 
Lorie, you've had some wonderful responses. I just want to add that it's tough growing up with a beautiful Mom. My Mom had me when she was 20 years old, so there has often been a "sister" quality to our relationship. My Mom was very beautiful, and I grew weary of hearing how lucky I would be to grow up to look like her. Here we are, a million years later, and we can laugh about it. She's envious of my finishing college and going to grad school, and I'm still envious of her wash and wear good looks and ability to throw a wonderful dinner party. But it's a good-natured envy and we're more proud of each other than we are envious at this point. She taught most of what I know about healthy eating, and she is a great believer in exercise. She's been a great role model, and, all in all, I wouldn't trade her for anything. ;)

Lots of luck with your DD!
 
Haha! If I were to have another child...I would want another boy! To much drama with these girlies!:)

Well...last night while I was bathing DS, DD and I had a brief discussion about what she said to my mother. She had no answers for why she thought I was "aneroxic" and I also come to realize that she really didn't know what the word meant. I explained to her what both eating disorders were and then she said "how come nan agrees that you are to skinny"? My mother is a bit loop-de-loop :) and I said "your talking about the same women who asked you if you wore your swimsuit in the hot tub"? (trying to make light of it) And she just giggled.
Anyway, we got that part out in the open and I guess we will just go from there. I think she will be o.k once she adjust to all the changes tat are going on with her own body.

And thanks to everyone responses and stories! Its nice to know Im not doing anything wrong. If working out and eating everything in moderation is wrong....I would hate to see whats right!

Lori:)
 
Wow, from your picturetrail pics you look like the healthiest woman I have seen in a long time. There is no way you can get muscles like that if you were anorexic.

I have no experience with children but maybe you need to sit down with her and talk and maybe show her what anorexic looks like and explain why you love working out so much. The benifits of a long healthy life come to mind and the mind clearing capabilities of weight training.

Good Luck!
 
>....maybe you need to sit
>down with her and talk and maybe show her what anorexic looks
>like and explain why you love working out so much. The
>benifits of a long healthy life come to mind and the mind
>clearing capabilities of weight training.
>


I couldn't agree more with this statement. She should see what a real anorexic looks like.
 
Is there a photo of your DD on your picture trail? I counted 9 of your DS, plus your avatar photo of him.

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
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