Mom Passing

F

Fighting4Me

Member
Hello Everyone,

A couple months ago, I posted about having trouble finding time to workout because I was taking care of my mom who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2013. Sadly, she passed away on February 14, 2014.

I have tried to workout and I just can't seem to do it. I'm so tired all the time...and sad. I feel that I could just sit and stare at the wall for hours. I know it hasn't been long since her passing, and things take time, but for some reason, I thought each day might get a little easier. Its just the opposite. It has gotten harder...much harder than I ever could have imagined.

There is so much I wanted to do with her. I just got married a year and a half ago and we were finally talking like two married women - sharing things and talking about married life. I thought we had so much time :( She was such an amazing woman. She was the center of our whole family - the person everyone went to with every problem, joy, success, failure...etc. She would always listen. She was good at that. Most people listen and wait for their turn to share their story or similar situation. Not her. She always focused on the person she was talking to. I just don't know what to do without her in my life.

I only do the minimum needed to get through the day. I put on a smile when I go out, but the whole time my heart is breaking. I am just walking around in this fog of sadness.

I thought working out again might help but being so tired just makes it so difficult. I go to grief counseling but it doesn't seem to help.

I guess I half came to you guys to vent and the other to see if you have any suggestions.

Thanks for listening.
Cheryl
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm extremely close to my mom and I can't imagine my life without her. I lost my dad 11 years ago to lung cancer. He was only 53. My heart still is empty without him here. I've watched my mom struggle with the loneliness of her life partner being gone. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but i don't feel it does. Like your mom, my dad was the rock of our family and it hasn't been the same since he passes. No words I can say can ease your pain but just know your mom is at peace and someday you will be together again. As far as your workouts, be kind to yourself and just do things that bring you joy even if it's just a walk. It may take a long time to feel semi normal again. You have to give it time. It's only been a couple of months since her passing and your heart needs time to heal. What you are going through is completely normal. Hugs to you!
 
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I am so sorry about your mom. I felt the same way after my mom passed. I would put on a brave face with my husband and children,but then cry when no one was around. It took me about five years to go from grieving to celebrating had life.

The only thing I can offer is that she would not want you grieving for her. She would want you to live your life to the fullest and enjoy every minute.

As time passes you will still hurt and miss her. It never goes away but it changes.

It has been twenty years since my mom passed. There hasn't been a day, celebration or holiday when I don't miss her. I would have loved her to see her grandkids grow up. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be.

Rejoice in had love and realize as she looks down on you, that she wants you to accept what has happened and move on with your life.

If I can help in any way, please don't hesitate.
 
I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother a few years ago in Feb. I know my mom is with me all the time. My relationship with my mom is like yours with your mom.

She gave up so much of her life for me and I know she wouldn't want me to grieve so long and to get on with life just as quickly as I could. Because of her sacrifice for me, I have to live life to the fullest, because I know that is what she would want for me. I won't let her sacrifices go unnoticed. I had to force myself to get out of the depression and do what is due her.

It's hard, but you can do it, for her sake. Be brave, everything is going to be alright. She will be with you all the way.

Janie

PS I'm sure she is Fighting for you.
 
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Cheryl,
There is no Handbook of Grief that I know of....there is no "right" or "wrong" when you grieve. My oldest brother passed in November and I am still so brokenhearted. Sometimes it feels like my stomach is turning inside out. Even though it is terrible to experience this pain, I hope it doesn't go away too soon: that would minimize my feelings for him and how important he was in my life. I know from past losses of loved ones that the waves of pain never go away, they just hit the beach a little less frequently. I hope that you are able to find some peace soon. I think working out would be one of the healthier options to deal with the grief. I, and I'm sure many other Cathletes, are doing the same. :(
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom when I was 13 years old. It's been almost 35 years without her. Time has certainly dulled the pain, but there are times when it still feels as fresh as what you're feeling now. I recommend the book "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman which was so helpful to me in my grieving process. Also, if you are on Facebook, there is a Motherless Daughters private group. It's a great place to connect with others who have lost their moms and just a place to vent if you need that as well. Lots of understanding and supportive women in the group.
 
Someone read my mind. Today is my oldest son's birthday. He passed away when he was four. The grief never really leaves. It just becomes a dull ache, instead of a ripped out heart. Take as long as you need to grieve. She was your mother.
My very best thoughts are with you,
 
Hi there
I lost my best friend my mom now almost two and a half years ago. It was really hard. It took this long just for the sting to not be as stingy if that makes since. And the only reason that makes it less is now I lost me son in Sept the day before my birthday. A car accident. I am very depressed and I don't want to get up some days. I am very tired grief is so tiring!!
I have gone to counseling for this and the only thing that has helped is knowing I'm not crazy. Since my son past I have a hard time remembering things. There is so many things that I could go on about but I want to try to tell you what helps. It is knowing if I can't get up it is ok. I give myself those days. But not in a row. I know what they want me to do but that doesn't help me. What does help is knowing that life us not fair. I have faith in God and some don't so I hope this doesn't offend anyone. But knowing I will see them one day helps. At first it didn't I was mad, I allowed that. I fused at God I questioned God. I have things my son told me that helps and that is a story itself. But I do exercise as much as possible! I jog lift weights I do Cathe DVD. Even when I am tired, some days I'll go jog take a shower then fall asleep and that's all I do!! But I keep doing something.
Another thing that helps me is talking to others who have lost there son or mom and we can relate with each other. I try hard to let positive thoughts come in and throw out negative thoughts but remember.. It has been 6 months and I tell you some days I still can't get up. I still cry every day cause I miss him so much. There are times I se his friends posting there getting married and it's a dagger in my heart that I'll never see him happily married and he wanted to be. But we have to keep going no matter what somehow someway but for these times it has only been a month or so for you, be kind to yourself maybe take walks and have music in your ears! I'd go for walks and cry and the sun would dry my tears and wind would dry my face almost like My mom was whipping my face telling me it was okay she was resting. It was bringing me peace some how.. Hugs
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have gotten amazing responses already. A friend of mine lost her dad to pancreatic cancer as well and when he died I remember telling her that she was fortunate in a sense because at least she could say goodbye. There are a lot of people who lose loved ones suddenly and don't get that chance. It happened to me just a few months ago with a loved one, and when I have free time and think about it I get really sad, I can't sleep, if I only knew that was going to happen I would have said so many things. Sometimes it feels like everybody I care about is leaving me little by little, but if I dwell on those feelings I become really depressed and depression paralizes me. I know it hurts my loved ones when I am in that deep black hole, but it hurts my body and my brain as well. It's not good for anybody. You took care of your mom, you were there for her and she was there for you. Nobody will take that away from you. That bond between a parent and a child goes beyond this lifetime.

There is nobody that can replace a parent and no matter what people say grieving is a very personal thing. Staring at walls is not good for you right now. I have been there. Do you think your mom would want you to be like that? Just make her proud and make the ones that are still with you physically here proud as well, like your husband. Just imagine your mom is there watching you, making sure you're still living your life positively and to the fullest. She is there, say hi and I love you, know she is always there, you cannot see her, but she is.

And don't think about crazy workouts right now. Go out for a walk outside, during the day so you can see the sun, breathe fresh air. Do it daily if you can. Eat good food, nourish yourself. You need it right now. I also believe in therapy, if you think your grief counselor is not helping much, maybe it's time to find another one. There are also online support groups where people have gone through the same experience. Maybe you can find local support groups as well. We only have one life. One day you will be together again, just treasure the good memories and use them as motivation. I can go on and on and you have to be ready to receive all these messages we have written. I hope you are. You are not alone. Please believe in yourself. Give your hubby a big hug and try to think about good things. Let us know how you're doing and take good care of yourself.
 
Hi,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. No words are going to take away the pain or make things better, but you have a lot of Catheletes here that really care about you! My husband lost his brother to pancreatic cancer in 2011, its such a dreadful illness.

I'm so fortunate to have my mom & step-dad, I actually went out to their house Saturday and spent the night and treasure every time I get to see them. I felt a little sadness because I realized that I'm 37 and not a kid anymore and I have learned that life is too short and too precious to be taken for granted and that we're not guaranteed a tomorrow.

Grief is a process and everyone goes through that process differently. My advice is to not be hard on yourself. If you feel like working out, do it, if not, don't push yourself. Ease back into your workouts and go from there. Be easy on yourself during this time. It will get better. And, there is nothing at all wrong with seeking the help of a counselor or support group. Was your mother ever on hospice? They also have wonderful resources. When my grandma died in 2010, someone from hospice checked in with my mom for like a year after.

Please let us know how things are going and remember we're all one big Cathelete family.

Amanda
 
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine the heartache of losing a mother. You have been given some amazing advice here so I'm so glad you came on and posted this. The Cathletes here are some precious women who will always hear you out and do their best to offer comfort and advice. Take all the time you need to grieve. Take time for yourself and lean on others for support. (((Hugs)))
 
Cheryl
Hi again I just wanted to pop back on here and say that I sure hope that we myself and the others have said has helped bring some kind of comfort knowing you are not alone. I hope you can come back and check in with us to let us know if we can be of more help. Some says I know for me I can be okay and most other days I need to cry or talk talk talk some more. It helps and I'm here listening and so are all these other ladies I am sure!
 
Oh Cheryl, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. It sounds like you had a great relationship with her.


Hugs to you...
 
Thank you so much...all of you. I really feel like I'm part of a special family here.

I appreciate all of you who have taken the time to share your stories and my heart goes out to all of you who have also lost someone. I feel your pain.

I have realized that, for some reason, I thought this would get easier with time. I'm sure it will but I think I was expecting it sooner than later. What I didn't expect is that it has gotten harder these past two months. I know why now. Before my mom got sick, we didn't talk every day. So for me not to talk to her daily after I went back to work, was normal. The pain comes when I want to call her and ask something or tell her something.

My husband recently had to have surgery and it wasn't a big surgery, but still I would always tell my mom and ask her to pray with me and then she would continually follow up. When that didn't happen and I realized why, it was hard.

This may sound weird to some of you, but I feel like going to her grave and laying on top to try and get a hug. I just want to feel her again and talk to her. It's funny how much I took for granted with her. How much she did that I never really saw until now.

It's hard to really care about anything. I go to work and I don't mope all day, but I think my heart does. I just can't engage fully. I went to some workout classes cause I thought being with other people might help me and I felt empty. Normally I would feel energized, but not this time.

I am going to check out the Motherless Daughters book and fb page and other resources. I know it sounds like I will go to the "depths of despair" (as Anne of Green Gables would put it) but I won't. Just feeling numb to the world right now but I am trying to do different things so I don't become consumed by grief.

Thank you all for listening and commenting. It has helped so much. I hope this post makes sense...I feel like I'm all over the place.

Cheryl
 
Cheryl that does not sound crazy at all. Your heart is forever broken! I to want to lay on my moms grave and my boys grave and try to hug them.
With your mother it is as if you realize there is no one in the world and I mean no one who really CARES for your well being like a mother does. No one would sacrifice her life for you like a mom dies. And we feel that and when we lose her we feel it even more. I felt utterly lost and very much alone and very adult when my mom died. I could not say that word! My mom and I was separated in life for a long when I was young and it hurt I missed her but I had hope to be with her I could FEEL her presence on the earth I guess but now after finally spending 18 till 42 with her I got to be around her again and after she past it was as if I could feel her essence on the earth gone!! And it is still to this day a sinking gut feeling knowing no one in the world loves me like my momma does!
My son now that is even a whole story that is just unnatural. I won't get into that more her. But lost alone cold. Don't be hard on yourself and don't think it's crazy to want to lay on the grave and do stuff out of character for you. We are humans, just humans, we are so fragile really. Here today gone tomorrow. Embrace every feeling and cry when u need to scream when u need and like I said in an earlier post allow it to come so you can heal. But try to go for walks and cry and do whatever you need to do for awhile. But the important part is to stand back up. And you know we r here if u need to talk. I still wish I could call mommy and talk to her. When my son past I wanted her so bad man I feel so alone at times cause I need her I need him.
God bless you and I pray for peace beyond any understanding
 
ReneePruitt said:
Cheryl that does not sound crazy at all. Your heart is forever broken! I to want to lay on my moms grave and my boys grave and try to hug them.
With your mother it is as if you realize there is no one in the world and I mean no one who really CARES for your well being like a mother does. No one would sacrifice her life for you like a mom dies. And we feel that and when we lose her we feel it even more. I felt utterly lost and very much alone and very adult when my mom died. I could not say that word! My mom and I was separated in life for a long when I was young and it hurt I missed her but I had hope to be with her I could FEEL her presence on the earth I guess but now after finally spending 18 till 42 with her I got to be around her again and after she past it was as if I could feel her essence on the earth gone!! And it is still to this day a sinking gut feeling knowing no one in the world loves me like my momma does!
My son now that is even a whole story that is just unnatural. I won't get into that more her. But lost alone cold. Don't be hard on yourself and don't think it's crazy to want to lay on the grave and do stuff out of character for you. We are humans, just humans, we are so fragile really. Here today gone tomorrow. Embrace every feeling and cry when u need to scream when u need and like I said in an earlier post allow it to come so you can heal. But try to go for walks and cry and do whatever you need to do for awhile. But the important part is to stand back up. And you know we r here if u need to talk. I still wish I could call mommy and talk to her. When my son past I wanted her so bad man I feel so alone at times cause I need her I need him.
God bless you and I pray for peace beyond any understanding
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Thank you for sharing that with me. It makes me feel more sane than insane. Sometimes I can't figure out if I am being normal or if I am just hoping I come across normal. I can't seem to get anything across to people when I talk to them, but when I come here, I feel like everyone gets it. It's true...I just want my mommy...
 
Cheryl, my mom died when I was thirty. I, too, cared for her as she was dying from brain cancer. She was 49 when she died on Feb. 10, 1995 at 7:45 pm Pacific Standard Time. I held her hand as she took her last breath and stepped into eternity. When she was gone, I was so distraught, I ran down the street in the dark, sobbing as I ran because I was so grief stricken and absolutely out of my head, until my husband fetched me back (dramatic, I know, but there I am) My mom and I were close, she helped me through some very tough times and really was my best friend. After she died, I grieved so hard, at one point I thought I was losing my mind, and it really scared me.

I believe grief is different for everyone and the best counselors just let us grieve in our own way and love us through it. I have to say though, that the way I was able to navigate through this, so far THE darkest time of my life, was my faith in God, reading the Bible, praying and trusting His love and care for me as well as my momma. It was in those lowest times that I was truly comforted and carried because I certainly could not carry my own self.

Something I found during this time was that God is real and still good even though life can suck:confused: and I am never alone or uncared for.

Even just the other day, all this time later after her death, I had a fleeting thought: " O, I have to call mom and talk to her about that." I had to tell my DH because it was weird, but, well, it happened. And if I am losing it, I may as well tell someone. But please know it will get better, just not overnight, and please just let yourself grieve, lay on the floor and bawl your head off, or however your grief comes, as long as it is not self-destructive. And please remember, this anguish and gut-wrenching sorrow will subside.

Sincerely,
 
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