men confuses me
- Thread starter darine
- Start date
Darine,
Bear with me, I'm old with years of personal relationships, I'm also a guy. If you cannot understand your SO, if you have trouble communicating with him, why on earth would you consider marrying him?
You need to get these issued worked out TOGETHER with a relationship specialist, therapist, spiritual advisor etc etc prior to marriage. Otherwise you risk working them out with a judge and lawyer after marriage.
My wife and I had trouble communicating over the ring thing as well. I have issues with some jeweler like DeBeers telling me that I should spend 2 months salary on a "rock." When we bought my ring it was a $50 gold band prior to the marriage, after the wedding it became priceless for what it signified. I'm not a jewelry person though, I have a wedding ring, a watch and an earring.
Bear with me, I'm old with years of personal relationships, I'm also a guy. If you cannot understand your SO, if you have trouble communicating with him, why on earth would you consider marrying him?
You need to get these issued worked out TOGETHER with a relationship specialist, therapist, spiritual advisor etc etc prior to marriage. Otherwise you risk working them out with a judge and lawyer after marriage.
My wife and I had trouble communicating over the ring thing as well. I have issues with some jeweler like DeBeers telling me that I should spend 2 months salary on a "rock." When we bought my ring it was a $50 gold band prior to the marriage, after the wedding it became priceless for what it signified. I'm not a jewelry person though, I have a wedding ring, a watch and an earring.
I have to agree with Dave. I'm really not sure why you want to marry him. There seems to be a lot of red flags in this relationship. At the least, I think you may benefit from talking to someone about these issues. Communication should not be this difficult at all. If you're with the right person, these things should be able to be worked out with some discussion and compromise.
Debbie
Brain cells come & brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Debbie
Brain cells come & brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
lioness
Cathlete
I agree with Dave. You have been with this guy for 8 years and now you realize that he has problems with communicating. Forgive me for being harsh but sometime in the course of your relationship you should have realized that this was a problem. I just ended a relationship due to communication issues. To me communication is one of the main cornerstones of a relationship along with love, trust and respect.
I think you need to go to a counselor to get this worked out before you get married.
I think you need to go to a counselor to get this worked out before you get married.
I am certainly not telling you whether to marry him or not. You're a big girl. All I am saying is that there seems to be red flags with what you have discussed. Obviously only you know all the details...but...when you come on a public forum and share your thoughts, we can only comment on what you give us. You should be prepared to handle the feedback, or don't post, plain and simple. Of course people are not perfect. You take the one you love with faults and all, but that is taken with a grain of salt. Some concerns/issues go beyond what can be realistically worked out. These are only thoughts...you do with them as you wish...and I do wish you lots happiness whatever you decide.
Debbie
Brain cells come & brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Debbie
Brain cells come & brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
Darine,
I don't know why your honey has trouble with the ring, and I think your idea of asking your friends, who know you both, is a good one. My first thought was that you were kind of contradicting yourself. You started off saying that you did not think a ring was important as it's not part of the way you grew up. He's converted to your religion so maybe he thinks that a ring is not important, and when you talk about wanting one now, he's confused. Also, how are you asking him? Men tend to feel backed into a wall when we demand something that they feel should come from them when they are ready. Sometimes talking to a professional provides a neutral area where questions like this that are sensitive for some reason or another are more easily answered. My DH and I see a counselor every now and again to help us come to an agreement on something.
I also do not know why everyone is telling you to run. Communication is something that takes years to work out, if we ever can. Men and women think very differently and I have yet to find a relationship where there is not some kind of communication issue at some point.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage.
I don't know why your honey has trouble with the ring, and I think your idea of asking your friends, who know you both, is a good one. My first thought was that you were kind of contradicting yourself. You started off saying that you did not think a ring was important as it's not part of the way you grew up. He's converted to your religion so maybe he thinks that a ring is not important, and when you talk about wanting one now, he's confused. Also, how are you asking him? Men tend to feel backed into a wall when we demand something that they feel should come from them when they are ready. Sometimes talking to a professional provides a neutral area where questions like this that are sensitive for some reason or another are more easily answered. My DH and I see a counselor every now and again to help us come to an agreement on something.
I also do not know why everyone is telling you to run. Communication is something that takes years to work out, if we ever can. Men and women think very differently and I have yet to find a relationship where there is not some kind of communication issue at some point.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage.
This guy converted to your religion, he's looking for a place to live with you, you have a business together, you've been seeing each other for eight years, your're planning to marry in January, and a ring (or lack of it) is the problem? Is he the issue or the fact that "all [your] friends think like that" and it embarrasses you?
I'm not sure why he's getting mad though. Is that where the communication problem is comming in?
I guess I'm missing something, but, then again, I was never someone who put much emphasis on jewelry and symbols.
I'm not sure why he's getting mad though. Is that where the communication problem is comming in?
I guess I'm missing something, but, then again, I was never someone who put much emphasis on jewelry and symbols.
swayzepetsitting
Cathlete
Does he not want to buy the ring due to financial trouble?
Honestly, I don't understand why a ring is expected. I think it's a silly tradition, especially when the couple is not comfortable financially. I always laugh at the jewelry commercials, with lines like, "Isn't she worth it?"
I'm not saying that the rings don't mean anything. My fiance gave me a $25 ring once and even though it was cheap, I always wore it (until I got mad and threw it away
). I just don't understand why it is still expected.
Honestly, I don't understand why a ring is expected. I think it's a silly tradition, especially when the couple is not comfortable financially. I always laugh at the jewelry commercials, with lines like, "Isn't she worth it?"
I'm not saying that the rings don't mean anything. My fiance gave me a $25 ring once and even though it was cheap, I always wore it (until I got mad and threw it away
). I just don't understand why it is still expected.
RunninTeach
Cathlete
>mmm.. I DON'T HAVE A RING. am i missing something. as a little
>girl, i never dreamt of a man proposing to me. It's not in our
>culture. But I know it's important for him and all my friends
>think like that. I feel kind of embarrassed when I talk to
>people about getting married and got no ring. If I mention it
>he gets mad. We have been talking about finding a place and
>meeting my parents and when to get married since June. But i
>have been waiting since a VERY long time. It's a money /
>religion / family problems all together delaid us a lot.
>
>what is his problem. i thought by now he would do it. he is
>never gonna do that. I am freaking out. I did not mention it
>since over a month... but I want to ask him " WHAT ARE YOU
>WAITING FOR?" I want it official and tired of feeling stupid
>in front of people
Darine,
I guess the question is: ARE you missing something? Is the ring that important to you? That is, to YOU - not your friends or anyone else.
I may be in the minority among my gender, but personally, I am not a ring person. I wouldn't need or want one upon engagement, and to be perfectly honest, seeing a huge "rock" just doesn't impress me. Sure, the ring may look nice and I'm genuinely happy for the person, but I don't know that much about diamonds, and well, it just doesn't hold that much value to me. I would rather use the money toward the house or travel or something I truly value. But that's just me. To each her own, of course.
You mentioned that you are in business together and that there have been some money issues in the past, so I guess I would just do some self-relection and ask yourself why, esp. if an engagement ring is not traditional in the culture you grew up in, it is important to you now. The ring, IMO, is not indicative of how much the guy loves or is committed to you.
Good luck!
[font face="garamond" font color=deeppink size=+2]~Cathy [/font face]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George
>girl, i never dreamt of a man proposing to me. It's not in our
>culture. But I know it's important for him and all my friends
>think like that. I feel kind of embarrassed when I talk to
>people about getting married and got no ring. If I mention it
>he gets mad. We have been talking about finding a place and
>meeting my parents and when to get married since June. But i
>have been waiting since a VERY long time. It's a money /
>religion / family problems all together delaid us a lot.
>
>what is his problem. i thought by now he would do it. he is
>never gonna do that. I am freaking out. I did not mention it
>since over a month... but I want to ask him " WHAT ARE YOU
>WAITING FOR?" I want it official and tired of feeling stupid
>in front of people
Darine,
I guess the question is: ARE you missing something? Is the ring that important to you? That is, to YOU - not your friends or anyone else.
I may be in the minority among my gender, but personally, I am not a ring person. I wouldn't need or want one upon engagement, and to be perfectly honest, seeing a huge "rock" just doesn't impress me. Sure, the ring may look nice and I'm genuinely happy for the person, but I don't know that much about diamonds, and well, it just doesn't hold that much value to me. I would rather use the money toward the house or travel or something I truly value. But that's just me. To each her own, of course.
You mentioned that you are in business together and that there have been some money issues in the past, so I guess I would just do some self-relection and ask yourself why, esp. if an engagement ring is not traditional in the culture you grew up in, it is important to you now. The ring, IMO, is not indicative of how much the guy loves or is committed to you.
Good luck!
[font face="garamond" font color=deeppink size=+2]~Cathy [/font face]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George
He converted his religion for you and you're looking for a place together. That sounds pretty committed to me. It also sounds like a role-reversal of an episode of Sex And The City (Charlotte and the cute bald guy).
You also seem to have a lot going on in getting a business going. Give him a break already! You're fantasy of a ring and proposal (on bended knee, maybe?) may not have ever occurred to him. And it sounds like you want the ring to show off to your friends more than anything else.
Appreciate what you have. Make sure you and he are on the same page as far as getting married in January. Keep looking for your place together and be happy!
You also seem to have a lot going on in getting a business going. Give him a break already! You're fantasy of a ring and proposal (on bended knee, maybe?) may not have ever occurred to him. And it sounds like you want the ring to show off to your friends more than anything else.
Appreciate what you have. Make sure you and he are on the same page as far as getting married in January. Keep looking for your place together and be happy!
vanessarene
Active Member
Darine,
I think I can understand where you're coming from. I'm getting married next month and we've decided that my ring will be an eternity band. So, I don't have an engagement ring. My boyfriend calls it an engagement/wedding ring, but I don't want to wear it until we're married. But, I do feel like I have to explain why I don't have an engagement ring to other people. Which is ridiculous, but there is an expectation (promoted by jewelers) that if you boyfriend/fiance "really" loved you then he would buy you a big old ring. Also, I've actually had coworkers give me some grief about not having an engagement ring. Whatever. I would much rather have something that I love and didn't cost an arm and a leg than kowtowing to a marketing ploy by jewelers...
Vanessa
I think I can understand where you're coming from. I'm getting married next month and we've decided that my ring will be an eternity band. So, I don't have an engagement ring. My boyfriend calls it an engagement/wedding ring, but I don't want to wear it until we're married. But, I do feel like I have to explain why I don't have an engagement ring to other people. Which is ridiculous, but there is an expectation (promoted by jewelers) that if you boyfriend/fiance "really" loved you then he would buy you a big old ring. Also, I've actually had coworkers give me some grief about not having an engagement ring. Whatever. I would much rather have something that I love and didn't cost an arm and a leg than kowtowing to a marketing ploy by jewelers...
Vanessa
cottagecheeks
Cathlete
I have no advice. Some men are different yet wonderful.
My Dad never bought my Mom a ring.
They could not afford one when they got married.
I thought she should have one so when I got a job I bought her one for Christmas. She wears it still.
My Dad is a wonderful man and I love him dearly, but buying Mom a ring just never entered his mind. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he turned over his pay check to her every week and took only $5
for gas and cigarettes. She bought everything else.
They are still married. It's been over 50 years now.
Joyce
My Dad never bought my Mom a ring.
They could not afford one when they got married.
I thought she should have one so when I got a job I bought her one for Christmas. She wears it still.
My Dad is a wonderful man and I love him dearly, but buying Mom a ring just never entered his mind. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he turned over his pay check to her every week and took only $5
for gas and cigarettes. She bought everything else.
They are still married. It's been over 50 years now.
Joyce
Bear with me, I'm old with years of personal relationships, I'm also a guy. If you cannot understand your SO, if you have trouble communicating with him, why on earth would you consider marrying him?
You need to get these issued worked out TOGETHER with a relationship specialist, therapist, spiritual advisor etc etc prior to marriage. Otherwise you risk working them out with a judge and lawyer after marriage.
Well said!!!!!
You need to get these issued worked out TOGETHER with a relationship specialist, therapist, spiritual advisor etc etc prior to marriage. Otherwise you risk working them out with a judge and lawyer after marriage.
Well said!!!!!
>cannot wait to live with him. Oh God!! I cannot wait. I want
>to set a date, find a place, now. I am so so impatient. I have
>waited for this for so long and I am so scared something goes
>wrong... but he seems to take his time and me I am like so
>impatient!!
This topic caught my eyes, I haven’t any comments to make, but wanted to say when I read the above, you will not only be a beautiful bride but FOREVER a happy one. Wishing you the very best
>to set a date, find a place, now. I am so so impatient. I have
>waited for this for so long and I am so scared something goes
>wrong... but he seems to take his time and me I am like so
>impatient!!
This topic caught my eyes, I haven’t any comments to make, but wanted to say when I read the above, you will not only be a beautiful bride but FOREVER a happy one. Wishing you the very best
trooper15
Cathlete
He has obviously showed his commitment to you in many ways and having a ring isn't going to change this one way or another. When I met my DH we were both financially strapped. I never did get an engagement ring. Been married now 22+ yrs. For a wedding ring I have a simple gold band that DH found while he was in Vietnam and wore around his neck for good luck. It is more precious to me then diamonds.
I suggest you reexamine your perspective and decide what is really important.... sounds like you have a good man there and I wish you the very best in your future together
ShellyC
I suggest you reexamine your perspective and decide what is really important.... sounds like you have a good man there and I wish you the very best in your future together
ShellyC
RunnerGirl
Cathlete
This is OT but am I the only one who wanted a ring when I got married? It does mean something to me. It also means a lot to me when my DH buys me a new piece of jewlery every anniversary.
LD
LD
pippa
Cathlete
>This is OT but am I the only one who wanted a ring when I got
>married? It does mean something to me. It also means a lot to
>me when my DH buys me a new piece of jewlery every
>anniversary.
>LD
I'm with you LD! Both my wedding and engagement rings mean a lot to me. I certainly can understand that not everyone wants/needs/can afford one but, to me, they aren't 'just' jewelry. They represent the committment made and a promise kept. JMO
>married? It does mean something to me. It also means a lot to
>me when my DH buys me a new piece of jewlery every
>anniversary.
>LD
I'm with you LD! Both my wedding and engagement rings mean a lot to me. I certainly can understand that not everyone wants/needs/can afford one but, to me, they aren't 'just' jewelry. They represent the committment made and a promise kept. JMO
Imafitnessfreak
Cathlete
I have read a few of the responses but not all...
I agree with Dave! Get commuication worked out! Marriage is hard work and it takes both!! If you go into it confused and not on the same page you are setting yourself up for disaster!
As for wanting a ring...Dave mentioned 2 months salary...that is a standard set by the jewlers because they want you to spend big money on a rock! If my DH would have spent that much I would have KILLED him!!
Instead, he settled on a family owned place that customs designs every ring and he picked on out that he felt was "me". NO, it did not cost 2 months salary! But I smile every time I look at it and I where it with great pride because it says "I'm his wife"...among the other things it symbolizes!;-)
If you really must have a ring, even department stores have jewlery departments! But decide what it is you REALLY want...something he picked out special for you and it has meaning or something that is extremely expensive and so huge that you poke your kids with it every time you give them a bath!
I agree with Dave! Get commuication worked out! Marriage is hard work and it takes both!! If you go into it confused and not on the same page you are setting yourself up for disaster!
As for wanting a ring...Dave mentioned 2 months salary...that is a standard set by the jewlers because they want you to spend big money on a rock! If my DH would have spent that much I would have KILLED him!!
Instead, he settled on a family owned place that customs designs every ring and he picked on out that he felt was "me". NO, it did not cost 2 months salary! But I smile every time I look at it and I where it with great pride because it says "I'm his wife"...among the other things it symbolizes!;-)
If you really must have a ring, even department stores have jewlery departments! But decide what it is you REALLY want...something he picked out special for you and it has meaning or something that is extremely expensive and so huge that you poke your kids with it every time you give them a bath!
Stebby
Cathlete
I wanted an engagement ring, so I bought it myself! Then before our wedding, DH and I went out together to pick out matching plain gold wedding bands. Darine, if you want a ring, there is no reason you need to wait for your guy to buy it for you -- maybe it is not a priority for him. In fact, if you pick it out and buy it yourself, you will get exactly what you wanted.