Mean Girls

M

midnight

Cathlete
My daughter just completed her worst year in school. Not because of the academics, but because of all the social garbage she went through with the girls in her class. One would say she was her best friend one day, the next day - forget it. They tell people not to play with another person, effectively ostracizing that kid. They play games and tell lies about each other. They all gang up on one kid. My daughter is the type that if she sees someone sitting alone, she will invite that child to play. She has been hurt many times this year by girls who said they were her friend and then dumped her the next day or just turned on her. She has come home many days in tears because of behavior directed at her by one or a group of girls. I know that friendships are often fluid and change by the minute but this is the first year I've seen the mean spiritedness. I've never seen this behavior occuring with my son and other boys. What is it with girls?? I'm watching my daughter's self-esteem slowly being eaten away. She's so sad and it breaks my heart.

By the way, these are THIRD graders.

--Lois


"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning" - Mahatma Ghandi
 
It's simple.......people and mothers in particular don't teach their daughters what it means to be a true friend. It's just taken for granted that a girl will be "friends" with the other girls because they'll find someone nice to play with or will be nice to someone. Being nice or being friendly is not the same as being a friend and until people instill what a friend truly is in their daughters, I think it'll get worse. I.E. My friend put her daughter in preschool last year and all she learned was "I'm not going to be your friend today", "I don't like you', etc. Now we hear that everytime she has a dispute with one my sons. Anyway, I hope your daughter doesn't suffer any permanent effects. And I hope next year get's better for her.
 
My neice went through this this past year, in *kindergarten.* I really don't get where these girls are getting the behavior from but I have to think it has something to do with the TV programs they are allowed to watch. The teacher had a list up where the kids were allowed to put their favorite foods, colors, shows. So many of the kids listed shows that featured teenagers, so maybe they are picking it up there.

Sparrow












___________________
www.scifichics.com
 
There was an excellent book on this subject a few years ago, and I'm struggling to remember the title but can't come up with it. In any case, it was about how girls are socialized to be "nice" and not express anger. Because of that and other social expectations, girls play these sort of mind games, using social isolation and cruel mind games to be mean to other girls they don't like. Boys will just beat the crud out of other boys they don't like or are angry at, and that's the end of it--they may even become friends when the fighting is over. With girls the effects are much more long-lasting. It's really a shame, and I personally also think the effects carry over into adulthood, because women are always trying to be nice, even when it's to their detriment, and have a lot of trouble figuring out how to handle anger. IMHO.
 
My daughter is going into third grade next year. Now I'm fearful. I went through a LOT of that when I was growing up, from the elementary grades to high school. Boys have it a bit easier I think. If they don't like you, they just beat you up... none of this mind game bulls**t that little girls indulge in. It's bullying, plain and simple. I hope that your daughter has a better time in fourth grade, Lois.

I think we just need to teach our daughters that those kinds of girls aren't real friends. I'm hoping that having gone through it myself, I'll have some good insight for Sophie when and if it happens to her.
 
Lois ~ My dd had a few incidents in Kindergarten and 1st grade last year. She's so nice and wants to please everybody. It's so hard because I want her to be a nice girl, but at the same time I don't want her to get walked all over. For example, someone wanted her new glitter pencil, so she gave it to them. She told me later that she really wanted to use that pencil. i know you're thinking it's just a pencil, but that's what my dd does with everything. I talked to her 1st grade teacher at the beginning of the school year about the whole thing. She called me mid-year and said she's seeing good changes in her. When she has friends over, she's still very giving and generous, but now they take turns. It's so hard being a parent, isn't it?!

I'm definetly not ready for third grade! Hopefully, 2nd will be uneventful.

Dallas
 
Wow - 3rd grade? I remember this happening to me, but it didn't start until 7th grade. It might have been 8th grade. My daughter has a situation with a girl in preschool. They kind of have a love/hate relationship. The other girl tends to get a bit bossy and mean, but I've told my daughter to stick up for herself and I'm told she does. I was the type who always took it when I was a girl and I don't want my daughter to do that too. I think it might come from being the youngest, with an older brother who lived to tease.

I don't have any advice for you, but boy do I understand how it tears your heart out.
 
Lois, it is heartbreaking. I think the best you can do is give her lots of encouragement and love. Hopefully she will find one sweet girl to be friends with. I too befriended excluded people. My mother always taught me to be kind to everyone. Like an above poster said, not every mom is teaching their kids the basics on kindness.

I would Google, "girls bullying" Perhaps you will gain some insight and get some tips on to handle the situation. Good luck with your precious daughter.

Lori
 
Where in the world do kids learn this kind of behavior?
I was a target of "mean girls" (actually "mean kids" in general) in grade school. Mean kids suck!

And it's so sad that YOUR daughter is acting the right way, by inviting those who sit alone to join in, but SHE is the victim of the mean girls.

Can the teacher give some lessons about how to treat people nicely (without focusing on anyone in particular?). Seems like this group is in need of some good behavior modeling.
 
Hearing this brings back so many bad memories of my childhood. I went through this from middle school through high school. My mother told me to just ignore them and they would stop, it didn't work. Things didn't get better for me until the later high school years when I learned how to stand up for myself and when I began to have some self confidence.

Just keep reinforcing to your daughter how beautiful and good she is, help her understand the other girls motivations, and teach her how to stand up for herself by being self confident. Its a tough situation, because you can't be with her.

I lived in fear when my children started school that they would go through this, but luckily they did not. My daughter has had some situations, especially since she has vitalago (a skin pigmentation disorder, which has caused her to have a patch of lighter skin and white eyelashes around one eye), but she has such self confidence that people who did say things to her didn't bother her. I am so proud of her, I know if I was in her situation I would have been devistated.

Enjoy the summer with your daughter and I hope she will have a better year next year.

Kathy
 
It is real sad that girls today are so mean, My daughter went through something real bad this last year, one girl called her up and said she is a has pictures of her kissing another girl and she is going to pass it around, of course my daughter is only 10 and not interested in sex at all, it grosses her out, she called her a lezbian at school and harrassed her all the time, I finally called her mother after this girl called our house and had my daughter in tears, and told her what her daughter has been doing,
My son also has been terrorized on the bus, one kid would push him down and other things, and people in the neighborhood also has problems with this kid, they even talked to his parents and his parents just said, "Boys will be boys, he is not doing anything wrong" and they didn't care that he was hurting others like he has been.
My daughter also told me on the bus, there are a group of 11 year olds that sit in the back of the bus that pulled up their shirts and flashed cars their breasts.
 
Bunbun - you may be thinking of the book "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. This is an excellent book and addresses a lot of the issues that girls face in social situations. Girls are TERRIBLE bullies. They thrive on more emotional torture where boys are more physical. Really, neither are acceptable. I went through a HORRIBLE time in school with bullies and absolutely hated school. My self-esteem suffered greatly for awhile. I was also worried about both of my daughters going through it but our school system is pretty good about zero tolerance with that kind of behavior. My daughter had a small problem with a girl at school but she didn't back down to this girl and eventually gained her respect.

It's tough watching your kids go through this. Stay strong and reinforce your kids that they are good kids and encourage them often.


Angie
 
I know that there is also another book that is out there---the title is Queen Bees and Wanna be's. I forget the author, I have passed the book onto my girlfriend whose daughter is now encountering what you are. It is an excellent book, a must read for mom's with daughters.


My daughter is now 15. She has shed many tears over the so call Queen Bees. She has learned that they really arent all that and the reason they act the way they do is jealousy and their own insecurity. It still doenst take away her pain when they all turn around stare at her then laugh. BUt she also has learned to fight back and not in a physical way. She might give a zinger back to them--kind of making them think. One time she asked the Queen Bee when she phoned her to have her over "what, all your followers busy today? " The girl didnt know what to say.

I am a firm believer kids are products of their parents. I would be furious to find out my daughter was mean to anyone. I often wonder do the parents really know whats happening? That their child is being the bully? Maybe not at such a young age but when they hit the teens(which seems the bully only grows more mean) I would think they know.

The book is an excellent read. I even shared a few parts with my daughter-- the author talks about ways to handle situations etc. I think the author was on Oprah once and thats when I decided to buy the book.

Good luck with your daughter..
 
Lisamarie,

We had a similar child in our neighborhood whose parents would only say boys will be boys and never punish their child. When she said that to me one day, I asked her if she thought the police are going to buy that when they come to her door and they will if she doesn't get her son in line.

It so is the parents fault in these cases. My son was hanging around this particular boy one day and I found out that they had egged an 80 year old mans house. I was furious and dragged my son down to the mans house to apologize and clean up, even though he told me repeatedly that he did not do it. The man was so grateful to know that a parent actually was taking responsibility for their child. As it turned out he did say my son had nothing to do with it, but the boy who did parents could care less.

Kathy
 
This is really sad. My niece is 14 and has been the target of ire for some girls in her class. It started because they said her haircut copied someone else's. As if ANYTHING any of these kids do or say is in any way original!!!! Anyway, it escalated until my sister stepped in with the ringleader's mother (who is as bad as her daughter) and eventually the principal. Very discouraging.

My advice is to get your girls involved in SOMETHING so they find their special talent or skill and have self-esteem and possibly real friendships resulting from that.

I worry about my boys, too. My youngest is very tough but my oldest is more naive and less communicative with me about things that are going on. It's hard, but they do grow up and get through this, we all did!

Hang in there!
Marie
 
Kathy, the next time you hear that neighbor say, "Boys will be boys" ask them, "But don't you want your son to learn how to be a man?"
 
Luckily we moved, so I don't have to deal with that kid anymore. I tried to instill some values in him when he came over my house, but its useless with the parents he has. The kid was crying for attention. I hope he turns out o.k. in the end.

Kathy
 
I hope this doesn't seem harsh. When our daughter had problems first grade, we listened to her, let her cry, but we NEVER had pity parties, EVER. Letting her feel sorry for herself only hurts her and then she will start to believe that what these girls do, say and feel about her are true. We encouraged her to do well despite these girls, and surround herself with people that make her feel good. Also, the best way to get your kids to choose the right friends is to TEACH them how to be good friends.
We do talk about having a heart and being sympathetic for the bullies. The truth is that either 1) they are completely spoiled brats and their parents don't love them enough to say no, or 2) they are feeling completely unloved and don't know how to be kind because noone loves them enough to be kind to them.
We are HUGE on father daughter dates! This builds her confidence in a way nothing can, and it gives her an extreme sense of self-worth. If you are loved by Daddy, you are invincible, nothing can hurt you.

Just my $.02
Missy
 
>Kathy, the next time you hear that neighbor say, "Boys will
>be boys" ask them, "But don't you want your son to learn how
>to be a man?"

Good one! I'm going to remember that. I have two boys too, and I have heard some moms say that.

Dallas
 
Hi Lois,

I know how heartbreaking it is - my poor daughter really suffered in 5th grade; there was a group of girls who targeted her DAILY. It was horrible - I was at that school over and over.

Just keep telling your daughter that there is nothing wrong with her, she's perfect the way that she is. Show her some of the experiences that others have written about here - I think it will make her feel less alone.

Please see a wonderful book on Amazon: "Time to Tell 'Em off!" by Deanna Miller. This book is GREAT; it helps the victim take control by taking the power away from the bullies and exuding self-confidence.

Best wishes to you and your daughter,
Liz
 
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