Marriage?!?

carrie123

carrie123

Cathlete
Has anyone been married and still been so lonely no matter what you've done to correct it? (counseling, talking, try to find stuff in common).

I have been faithly married for 18 years now. My dh has always been kind, but never affectionate, (physically or emotionally) with me or our kids. I have always felt the need to try to communicate with him, but nothing works, he hates talking to people in general. My kids are now 17 and 15 and are starting to find their way into the world, and I'm afraid that when they are gone, my dh and I will not make it. Truthfully, I'm afraid to go out on my own, (married at 19 yrs old) since he is all I've ever known (more of a safety net), I know that sounds awful. He is a good friend and would be there to help with anything as long as it's not personal:(. I feel like I've been a single mom with an extra paycheck coming in. My son never got to know his dad, regardless of the countless talks we've had about that.

My doctor and nurses have me on 4 depression medications and are demanding that I look at my life and try to solve whatever it is that's causing my depression, since I eat and exercise regularly but still find myself crying and so sad. I am tired of loving someone who is just never there for us, as a father or husband. I miss him all the time, but I'm not sure what he feels, because he just won't say. He's really sweet, but when we were separated once before, I didn't really miss him. I would wake up wondering if where I was, was real, because he had become so familiar for me, and that is why I think I went back, even after he had kidnapped my kids for two weeks, (Mother's nightmare of pure hell). Yes, the police were involved. I forgave him and the kids didn't really know what was going on, because they were so young, they just missed me.

I must be the biggest coward of all time. He's a nice guy when he's here. He was my high school sweetheart and we have a lot of history together. I'm not sure if I could take care of my family on my own, even though I have a B.B.A. and working on my master's for edu. in special ed. For as long as I can remember being with him, I have always felt alone, although he said he felt safe with me. And that's it, I felt safe as long as I stayed and felt selfish for wanting to leave just because of my lonliness and his somewhat distance ways ( unless of course when it comes to, well, you know, a quickie:eek:).

Sorry to be a bother, I just would like to find out if anyone else had a similar situation and what happened with it.

Carrie
 
oh, jeez. i have no words of advice, just wanted to offer a shoulder.
i hope things turn around for you.
(hugs)
 
(((((Oh Carrie)))))

I have no advice, I'm sorry I wish I did, but I did want to offer some support. Life is too short to be unhappy. I understand from a Mom's perspective your desire to keep your family together, and I respect that.

You are not a bother and please don't hesitate to come here for support whenever you need it.
 
Carrie, I have no advice either, just know that there are people thinking about you. I hope things turn around soon.
 
Carrie,

Yes, I've been there done that. Got married at age 20. Gonna be married 30yrs this year. Most of my marriage I have spent hating my husband. He never learned to be a father, never was there for me, never seemed plugged into the marriage.

I spent most of my married life on anti-depressants and/or thinking about suicide because I could not bring myself to leave the marriage.

Then as I started menopause I realized that most of my problems were caused by me not speaking up, by me acting like the victim. As I aged I became more forgiving and stopped setting my husband up to fail so I could be mad at him. Now I'm glad I did not leave. He is my best friend. I fix my loneliness by seeking out my own activities. My happiness is my responsibility. And as I changed my husband changed and he became more mellow and more sensitive and I am able to tell him if something makes me sad or if I need more support. He does not seem like the monster that I had built him up to be.

I suggest trying to find yourself a counselor or maybe a life coach. You need to find peace with life, , happiness with life. Once you center yourself then you can look at your marriage with new eyes and then determine what needs to be done.

I went off all antidepressants and am only on 5HTP now. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more. I hope you find some peace and joy in life.

- carolyn
 
Carrie - I, too, don't have any advice to give, but my heart goes out to you. In my experience, life is too short to be unhappy. I know my history doesn't compare to yours - you've been with your husband for many many years and have children, but I ended my last relationship for pretty much the same reasons as you talked about - my boyfriend was cold, incommunicative, and just wouldn't let me in. He was very selfish and we led separate lives. He didn't want to particpate in my life, but I participated in his with his family, friends, etc. I finally realized that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then be so unhappy. Over 3 years later and while my life is not perfect, I know that I am better off without him and am, for the most part, happy, or at least content, with my life.

Good luck to you and keep checking in and venting ... it sure does help!
 
Carrie,
I concur with Carolyn on advice. I believe what she is writing about is true. It's difficult being on my own, I've been doing it for 15 years now. The grass isn't greener on the other side. Mary made a great point that parrellels Carolyn on being content with life and finding your own joy.
Keep us posted.
 
IMO, if you are not happy in your marriage then you need to find yourself a support system (family, friends, counselor) and then get out. Life is too short to be so unhappy.

(((HUGS!!!!!)))
 
I can relate to your situation in so many ways...I got married when I was 19, we've been married for 18 years now and we have 3 kids (17, 16, 13)....For a long time I felt so alone even when my husband was sitting right next to me...I ended up doing some very self destructive behavior...coming very close to cheating and leaving...but a few really good friends got me to talk with a counselor...it saved my marriage and really my life....the counselor suggested that everything I felt I kept to myself, she said I needed to tell him how I felt...give him to opportunity to make changes and so I did...low and behold he to was feeling lonely we worked together and worked it all out....life is never perfect and marriage is work, but it's worth it....were happier now more than we have ever been...I suggest getting yourself someone to talk with and then you'll start to figure it all out...don't throw it away without giving him a chance to maybe fix it...good luck
 
carrie123 said:
Has anyone been married and still been so lonely no matter what you've done to correct it?

My dh has always been kind, but never affectionate, (physically or emotionally) with me or our kids.
My kids are now 17 and 15 and are starting to find their way into the world
He is all I've ever known (more of a safety net)
I feel like I've been a single mom with an extra paycheck coming in.

My doctor and nurses have me on 4 depression medications and are demanding that I look at my life and try to solve whatever it is that's causing my depression
But when we were separated once before, I didn't really miss him.
He had kidnapped my kids for two weeks, yes, the police were involved.
I'm not sure if I could take care of my family on my own, even though I have a B.B.A. and working on my master's for edu. in special ed.
For as long as I can remember being with him, I have always felt alone.

Carrie
Click to expand...


I have deleted some of your post to leave highlighted the parts that I feel are the most revealing. Carolyn wrote an intelligent response and I can see how it worked for her but I am not sure her approach and resignation would work for you. You are taking upon yourself all the responsibility for this marriage. Your husband does nothing, but absolutely nothing, to nurture either the marriage nor his own children. Why do you think that you don't deserve anything better? The reason is that slowly but surely the years of neglect and disdain you have experienced at your husband's hands have taken their toll on your self-confidence, gradually eroding it like the sea upon the rock. The reason you take 4 anti-depressants is to allow you to dull the pain you experience every day, and to allow you to continue to resign yourself to a marriage that will never enrich you, never allow you to grow as a person, never nurture you with love, affection and the companionship that are yours by rights of taking your marriage vows. You are not supposed to pay for his neglect with your sanity and emotional and mental health. That is one of the major things that are wrong with this picture.

The second major thing that is wrong with this picture is that your husband committed a criminal act and you simply forgave him for it. What bigger rationale for divorce did you need? I would forgive my husband for accidentally destroying my Cathe DVDs. If he stole my children from me, even if only for 2 weeks, he would be swiftly and efficiently removed from my life and theirs. This is an act that is beyond forgiveness. It is a federal offence.

Here's what you do: you stop believing that you need him. You don't. You stop believing what he has slowly been teaching you, albeit unconsciously, that you are incapable of acting and existing independently of him. You are completely capable. Believe it. You are an educated person. Not only did you educate yourself in the past, but you continue to do so today. You will soon have a masters degree which is all you need to go out there and lead an independent life. You will get a job, you will have control over your own finances, you will be able to get your own mortgage and be on your own.

Do not make the mistake that some posters on this thread are making: being alone and leading an independent life are not synonymous with being lonely. Being lonely in a marriage is the worst kind of loneliness there is. You are married. You are already lonely. It isn't going to get any worse than that. But living an independent life will give you the freedom to decide exactly what treatment you are prepared to accept from others and what you will not accept. It will allow you to re-develop the self-confidence you had before you became subsumed to your husband's apathy. It will allow you to grow and re-become the you that you should be but will never be if you remain in this marriage.

No, it will not be easy. The first 2 years may feel like the worst years of your life. But the temporary discomfort of being alone and making all the decisions for yourself will soon morph into an enormous relief that finally, you get to make the decisions for yourself. Sometimes we need to make the big break in order to change the direction of our lives. You need a massive change in direction.

I mean all of this in the nicest possible way. The message may be harsh, but it is well-intentioned.

I wish you all the best as you renegotiate your future. I am sending you all my best wishes and strength to help you make the break towards a future of your own design.

Clare
 
I completely agree with MC and Clare too, I couldn't have said it better myself also!! The only difference to this message is that I believe you can forgive a person for a terrible eligal act BUT that doesn't mean you go back to him. My mother forgave my father for his terrible acts to her and us BUT she still would not go back to him and bring us children back into a sick environment and sick dynamic. My mother made very clear boundaries as to what he would need to change in order for us to come back together as a family and he was not willing to do it. She still forgave him but her stipulations and boundaries remained intact and thus they got a divorce. It was the sanest and healthiest thing she ever did for us including my Dad funny enough. It sounds like your husband already divorced you and your children in this marriage — he has already emotionally and physically divorced you, the only thing that's there is his body. It sounds like you've done everything you can including counselling. But it takes two people to make a marriage and he has opted out. Take good care of yourself and God Bless!
 
Clare, thank you...

Clare, you told me exactly what I already knew. But I'm scared. He's become my safety net and he is so much like a kid in a lot of ways I feel like I would be abandoning him. Is that too screwed up? He doesn't do drugs and he doesn't drink or smoke. He just doesn't know how to be close to me or the kids. I am so confused and scared. I hate that I'm so unhappy 95% of the time. The kids hate it too, although I try not to show it. I think they can just sense it. We have never had to go without much, he's been a good provider that way, (again, safety net). I look around and realize the material possessions around me are nice but it's nothing compared to the void I feel everyday for so many years. I will lose alot if I separate, but I wonder how much I'll gain within myself.

I feel stuck. I have a 15 and 17 year old, 3 cats, 2 dogs and my mom lives with us. It's alright as long we have two incomes, I'm not sure if I could manage on just my income right now, you know? And I don't know anything about alimony or anything like that. It would be nice, until I got on my feet, but again, I feel that if I am dependant on him for that, than maybe I just can't do it at all:(


Carrie
 
Been there...

Carrie, I don't know if I can add much, but I'll throw in my two cents.

You're obviously very unhappy and have been for a long time. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you've missed out? Can you live with it? Do you want to? Because your husband is unlikely (from what you've written) to change. He is what he is.

Don't stay because it's all you've ever known. Don't stay because you fear the unknown. Stay because you've decided that this is all you want for your life and you're willing to settle.

But of you decide to go, know that you can support yourself. You can make it on your own. It may not be easy, but at least you will have opened up your life to new possibilities.

Remember: The right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Good luck to you.
 
Carrie - all the best to you. I was in a bad marriage - it didn't last nearly as long as yours, but when I had enough, and had tried more than I probably ever should have, I left. I was immediately happier and LESS lonely. I have never looked back. I hope that, no matter what the right thing is for you, that you find it soon and in the meantime, find happiness for yourself. It is incredible how much the smallest things can add up over time and chip away at our happiness, our confidence, etc - life is too short.
 
Carrie:

Thanks for writing back. I am glad to know I have not offended you.

Of course you are scared. Making big changes like a separation or divorce take an emotional toll, no-one is denying that. It's OK to acknowledge that you are scared, but it would be a folly to allow fear to keep you cowered in a marriage that does not nurture you. Change is not easy. No-one ever said it was. But the right change can dramatically alter your life for the better. You only get this one life and you owe it to yourself and your kids to make it the best it can be. Talk to your doctors/therapists about all this, they can help you get stronger emotionally to empower you to make the changes you need. The antidepressants are not a symptom of sickness, they are a symptom of a body and mind that are being forced to live a life that is no longer tenable.

You need to understand that you have inside you everything you need to be your own safety net. The reason you currently think that you cannot be is because this loveless marriage, into which you have poured yourself and he has poured nothing, has drained you of your belief in yourself. You are not unable to be dependent, he has treated you to many years of apathy and in eroding your self-esteem (he demonstrates no affection therefore you must be unworthy of affection and love) he has rendered you dependent upon him. He doesn't need to leave you: he has you right where he wants you. Afraid. Weak. Scared to make a move. Please don't let him diminish you any further.

In leaving him you will not be abandoning him. You have stood by him for years, getting very little in return. Nearly 2 decades of neglect is an acceptable reason for a divorce. He is much stronger than you think. He is passive-aggressive. He will thrive just fine without you. He has known for a long time how to take care of himself: by keeping you right by his side, not rocking the boat, not altering the status quo. Someone doesn't have to beat you or do drugs to be toxic to your own health and self-esteem.

What you need is to reach out and get help and advice so you can make this move away and rebuild your life. Now is the time to head to your local library and find any resource possible to help you educate yourself abut the realities of making this break and financially setting up on your own. Don't forget, you would get a portion of the sale of the house you jointly own, and a percentage of the joint assets. You would not be starting with nothing. If any kids are still at home with you, you would also get alimony from your husband to support them. When you finish your masters and secure a job you will have your own income. You may not be able to move into a place as big as the house where you currently live, but it will be better because it will be your place.

Head to the library, ask the reference desk people for help in conducting this research. You might find women's advocates, lawyers doing pro-bono work or offering free advice, there may be local classes that specialize in helping people deal with the realities of divorce. We have them in this area! You will be the driving force for this change, but you don't have to go it totally alone.

You say, "I will lose a lot if I separate, but I wonder how much I'll gain within myself". Exactly. If you don't make the move, you will never know what you are capable of.

One last thing: pick up the book "Should you leave" by Peter Kramer. It is more interesting than a practical hands-on guide to securing a divorce. Rather, it discusses the person within a relationship and what we owe to ourselves versus what we owe to others. I think it is time for you to discover exactly what you owe to yourself, primarily, and to your kids, secondly.

All the best, and please write back, let me know how you are doing, OK?

Clare
 
You have gotten some wonderful responses. I was in a very bad relationship for 8 years. He did not want to marry me and I had never felt so alone. He went out of the province to work for a few months and I thought I would die of loniless without him. I did not. I noticed then when he left, I was relieved. I was strong and I was taking care of the house and the finances on my own. When he came home, we decided to go our seperate ways. It was a tough decision, but it was the best one for me. Yes, I did not have a partner, but I was amazed at how peaceful I felt, how self sufficient I was. I hope things work out for you. SOmetimes we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
 
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