I need your help

bjbowers

bjbowers

Cathlete
I know some people remember me here. I wasn't ever an avid poster, but I was more involved than I am now. I am dealing with a horrible relationship, and I don't know exactly what to do.

I do know that I am dealing with some form of an abusive relationship. He doesn't ever hit me, let me make that clear. It's completly a verbally abusive situation. ow how I got here, and have always prided myself on being a strong woman.

I do have a lot of support, but as with many situations like mine, not many know what's really going on. I haven't exactly divulged a lot with this post. I know that. But I'm trying...really. I think I'm trying to wave the white flag and realize that I need to move on and get myself back to where I've been.
Brandi

eta: I just read that post, and I didn't make any point. He's right here and wanting to know what I'm doing, so I closed my window. Again, I stress, I'm not in physical danger, he's just an a##$##%##@#%. And before we dated, I was in great shape and couldn't live without my Cathe. Now, I'm helping, no doing it all, raise his child, while he goes out to the bar and I'm home. I think the toughest part here has been admitting this to myself. I don't really need answers, I just need to say it to myself like I said.
 
When you say "his child", is this a child from one of his former relationships?

If you have no attachment to this relationship why aren't you leaving?

You deserve better
 
>I am dealing with a horrible relationship, and I don't know exactly what to
>do.

>I don't really need answers, I
>just need to say it to myself like I said.

Brandi,

I'm not sure how we can help you (your thread title asks for help) other than to say if it's a horrible relationship, then exactly what you should do is get out. Don't waste another day with someone who doesn't treat you well. Take care of yourself & good luck! IA with Dave, you deserve better.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

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Verbally abusive relationships often escalate into physically abusive ones. I know, been there done that. Get out now while you still can and be very careful about it. Seriously, people like that tend to be very possesive and not let go easily. I may be wrong in your situation, but I've seen this kind of thing before-not just with myself, but with others as well. Do you have family that you can turn to. Please let them know what is going on for your own saftey. If you decide to leave him, have someone with you and DO NOT stay by yourself. I know all this sounds extreme, but leaving someone who is abusive can be dangerous. Even if it is just verbal. Do not take it lightly!! Please take care of your self. Again, I may be wrong about your situation (hope I am), but do the right thing for YOU!!

[font color= purple size=+3]Catherine[/font]

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Brandi - I was in a verbally abusive relationship a long time ago and it still affects me to this day.m In certain situations, I can still hear his voice in my head. Please get out while you can. Nobody in the world should make you feel like less than the wonderful, strong woman that you are.

We're here if you need us.
 
Dear,

You said "raise his child" -it's not YOUR child? If it isn't your child, then I say it's time to punt. Get OUT! The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Waste no time...

You matter!

:)

PS. Please send us a post when you're out of there, in your own place, and feeling the joy of freedom. You can send us the post after your morning Cathe workout....:7
 
I disagree, you ARE in physical danger. You sound terrified. Please GET OUT before we hear about you in the news. I'm not kidding, this is how these things start. If this is your child too, take him/her. If it's only his child, call CPS, then LEAVE HIM.
 
ITA with all of the previous posters.

I am sending thoughts and prayers your way to give you the courage you need to do what you know you need to do!

Please keep us posted!
 
Brandi,

Agreed. There's no need to slave for someone else. No need to be in fear. No need to not be permitted to do what you want.

Don't forget that there are plenty of agencies and women's groups that will help you and give you support.
 
Of course we remember you. :)

I was also in a verbally abusive relationship, and I'm glad I had that experience. I learned so much about myself and about what a relationship should and should not be. Mistakes can be great if you can learn from them. Sounds like you've had your learning experience, and it's time to move on. And yes, saying it out loud, or posting it on a message board, can be the turning point. Good for you!
 
I like the idea of seeking out an agency or women's group that deals specifically with helping woman leave abusive relationships. Friends and family are wonderful, of course, in supporting you, but people who deal with helping women every day with specific actions you can take to get yourself out of a bad situation are probably more effective. I think many women can relate to being in a verbally abusive relationship... and how it really pulverizes your self esteem. And self esteem is what you need to get yourself up and out! It really becomes a catch-22. Please seek out help... in the front of your local phone book there should be a listing of all kinds of agencies, or try calling your county government officials. Good luck to you and remember, you are a strong woman!!!
 
There's waaaaaaaaay too much hurt and pain in your post and this is CLEARLY not the direction you want your life to take. Everyone here is right, you need to get out...NOW!!!! (And I know you already know that)

<<<<Huggs>>>

Please take care and keep us posted.
 
As others have said, I think that you should contact a domestic violence victim agency, and make plans to carefully and safely get out of the relationship.

Again as others have said, just because there has not been any physical abuse - YET - does not mean it cannot happen, especially if this gorilla likes to drink alcohol. And especially if he feels his control tactics (verbal abuse, constant monitoring, emotional ties to his child) starting to fail.

I worked on domestic violence prosecution matters for almost eight years, and I am here to tell you that you are not safe with this guy.

Get out, and/but GET OUT CAREFULLY. There is a phenomenon in domestic violence called "separation violence", which simply means that the most dangerous time for a woman (and yes, it's almost always a woman who is the victim and a man is almost always the perpetrator) is when she is trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Get good counseling from DV-trained advocates, get your ducks in a row, and then and only then make your move.

Keep us posted -

A-Jock
 
is this child's mother still in the pic?? if so call her and say "pick up your son, his dad went out". you are not a built in babysitter.

i also agree sometimes possesive verbal abuse will escalate. my ex was like that as time went on he got more and more mean and struck me. i think he is in jail now, nobody has heard much about him in ages.

kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

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Well, I know you didn't ask for advice, but I agree with the others here. Get yourself safely and quickly away from this man. No one deserves to live like that.

Take care and keep us posted.

Maggie:)
 
Since you state that you have a lot of support, then you need to confide in someone. You might also think of getting an order of protection before you leave. People who are verbally abusive eventually become physically abusive in time. Don't wait for him to become physical before you leave. We are here for you.
 
I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. Get out now.

When you had to slam the computer down because "he was right there wanting to know what you are doing", you sounded very fearful. It gave me chills, I know exactly how you felt.

Get out now. Take your child with you.

Verbal abuse can turn into something else, it did in my case. You do not deserve to be treated with anything less than respect and love. Contact a shelter, get some info, enlist the help of a trusted family member or friens and once again, get out now, before its too late.

Don't mean to sound dramatic, but I am lucky I escaped with my life, and to this day, those horrible years haunt me. Get out now.

One more thing. Go get a restraining order against him. And like the others said, wait til he is gone, go in with a friend or a police man and gather your things...never go alone, never. Then just get out of the state or city, or wherever you can go until things die down. I had to do this, so I know how hard it can be, you are worried about all sorts of things, please know everything will be taken care of once you get away from this person. ((((hugs))))
 
Thanks everyone for your advice, kind thoughts, and prayers. Last night was a rough night, when he comes home from the bar, he finds a way to make things MY fault. Anyway, some answers to some of your questions, it is his child. The mother is not in the picture anymore. We got full custody about 7 months ago. That's when things changed in our relationship. It's been a difficult transition and I don't know how to fix things. That's my personality. I'm a fixer.

His verbal abuse is not telling me I'm ugly or anything like that, it's just, like I said, everything is my fault. I've never feared that he will hit me, in fact last night I could have slugged him so hard!!! But of course, wouldn't. He's just such a jerk.

Today is just like always, he's knows he's wrong, he's sorry, he doesn't remember, blah, blah, blah. The money he spends too, I'm struggling when I shouldn't be.

I'm slowly telling my friends, a couple of them see it and have begun telling me how much they think I should leave, and how they think he keeps me away from them. I don't see them much. I just always said to myself it's because there's a 12 year old child to take care of. It's actually a 12 year old and a 31 year old child I'm living with.

Thanks again for reading, replying etc. I'm taking to heart all of your advice.
Brandi
 
maybe its time for consueling. and he needs some on his own. he has to learn priorities b/c now that his child's mother is not in the picture at such a critical age, he needs to be in a healthy state of mind and put all the fun stuff aside and focus an the mental welfare of the child. this cannot be easy for the child either.

as for money issues,dh and i had that problem we fought it out then talked it out and came up with game plans to work it out. you need some serious talk time and maybe a third party professional would be a good idea, and then if things are not getting better just leave b/c you don't need it.


kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL1307/4842454/16585805/276676894.jpg
 
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