I just want to cry!

C

cookiebaby

Cathlete
I just want to cry. All my life, my mom (who is overweight and has a host of health problems) has criticized me about my weight, throwing diet books in my face, making snide remarks, telling people about I'm so fat, and etc. She is always doing this to me, constantly. She never relents. It hurts my feelings so much. Now I am really trying to do something and she is all upset that I am doing well. Trying to get me to eat junk, and asking me if I am starving myself and taking laxatives. THen she tries to disprove everything I am doing. I have put up with it all my life but today just drove me over the edge. I have lost about thirty pounds. I went to see my mother at the charity where she works. This girl she knew was there telling her how where she works they make fun of her because she has an accent and degrade her. My mom tells this girl, "Well, my daughter worked at a place where they were mean to her. It was because she is so fat and overweight. She is such a big girl." And my mom shakes her head. I am not an elephant and this girl doesn't know me and that was not the reason I left that job! I left because my boss was a jerk to everyone! I almost punched her then she says " Well, you are so big! I am afraid you are so large you'll need a truck scale. And you're doing some weird stuff to lose weight that you will just regain." I can't take it anymore. I probably have another 100 pounds to lose but she is so mean. The problem is I work with her three days a week. Help me!
 
I am not sure how to help you. Keep up the work you are doing and avoid the negative comments. This is for you. No one else. I am sure you can reach your goals. Just shut out the coments and know you are helping yourself. You can do it.
Diane Sue
 
I just want to second Diane Sue's advice. Just remember you are doing this for yourself. It is your goal, not your mothers. If possible, confront your mother next time you see her. Let her know how hurtful her comments are to you. You've had to listen to them your whole life and you would prefer she kept her comments to herself. Maybe just standing up to her will make her back off.

You are making an effort-we are all here to support you on reaching your goals. You can do it cookiebaby!!!!

Diana
 
I've never understood this kind of behavior - why someone who is supposed to love you will try to keep you down. You have to tell her to knock it off. I'm assuming that you're losing the weight sensibly by eating healthy and exercising reasonably. If that's the case, then let her know. Have you talked to your doctor about your weight loss plans? If so, then there's some extra back-up for your side.

Sometimes people are so low in their self-esteem that they have to project it on others in order to make themselves feel better. By you taking charge of your life and improving yourself, you're making her feel worse about her lack of self-discipline.
 
YOu mom is exhibiting some very dysfunctional behavior. I'm sorry to say it but you have to somehow separate yourself from this immediately. If i were in your shoes, i think i would just keep telling myself to let it go,let it go,because you work with her you can't avoid her. If you do indeed want to lose weight and do it the healthy way, join weight watchers (i've never been on it, but have two friends who have had amazing transformations on it). and keep working out at home. Think of yourself right now, how good you'll feel.
 
Your mother DEFINATLY has a problem, and its not you, ITS HER!!!!!!!!

Anyone who exhibits behaviour by constant sarcasim, throwing things, calling people names, has a problem with anger management, self worth to them selves, and lack of control.

Wendys right, you need to "seperate" yourself from your mother, living wise and workwise. She bringing you down into her own anguish sweetie, and thats not healthy.

Talk to someone! Im not religious but I know the church does some great therapy work with families(you dont have to cathelic yourself)

You may not be able to say your mother from going down hill in her own weight issues, which Im sure is part of her problem, but you can save yourse;f from now on!

Think tomorrow as a new day to the rest of your life, and put your A into G and make some positive, productive decisions............FOR YOURSELF

Love and hugs

Marion
 
You need to stand up to your mother and tell her that you will not tolerate her treating you this way anymore. I know it's not easy, but it must be done. It doesn't matter how she reacts, or if she even listens to you, as long as you know that you stood up for yourself. It is something you need to do for YOU, not for her. Also, run do not walk away from working with her. Find any other job in the universe, but get away from her being part of your everyday life. The environment is just too toxic for you, and you deserve MUCH better.

Congratulations on your incredible weight loss! What an amazing accomplishment!! Way to go! :)

-Nancy
 
Hi cookiebaby.Your message has touched me. When I was overweight , two years ago, my mother always was telling to me: don't eat this or that, you are overweight, look at your brother. He eats less than you and he is thin. When we was in family meetings she always talked about my weight. In one of that metting she said that she had to go to a dressmaker to manage my dress because I did have nothing to wear because I was overweight. She humiliated me using that king of comments. I tried to talk with her but everything was impossible. She said she did it for me. I knew that she loved me but her behaviour maked me felt down and sad. I was sad and I ate more trying to fill the emptiness. One day I realized that I was making something wrong. I was punished myself. I decided to loose weight for me.I started a diet and exercise. Now two years ago she says I am obsessed with the exercise and with Cathe. It dosen't matther to me now. Cathe makes me feel better and proud by myself. My mother can not do that. I love her but she never has a compliment for my hard working out or warm word. Always are criticisms.We live in the same house but I try to avoid her. Is hard to say this about your mother but it is the true.You must be proud about your weight loss. Don't let her to feel you down. We are here to help you. with my best wishes and hugs.



Mariángeles a spanish terminator junkie. :)
 
I second Nancy's reply - tell your mother you will not tolerate her behavior. She would not treat her friends this way, and she would not tolerate anyone saying those things to HER, would she?

This goes back to my post about relatives who don't think they have to be polite or considerate.
 
In a way, it seems like your mother doesn't realize you've grown up. It's like she's trying to keep you a child and run your life for you by trying to exert control over you by saying these things. More than likely, she feels out of control of her own life and therefore tried to control what she can in order to feel stabilized.

Stick with your program. Do for you. These are your fitness goals and you're doing it for you and no one else, so be true to yourself. You know from coming to the website that fitness, diet, and a great support system are the keys to losing weight and keeping it off. Slow weight loss is the more permanent weight loss and while it may seem like weird stuff to her, keep it up. You're weight rack is going to transform you and that transformation will be from the inside as well as the outside.

As for working with her 3 days a week, I'd try to find a new job. You need a bit of separation. Until then, everytime she hurts your feelings, say so! "Thanks Ma, you've gone and hurt my feelings again." And then leave the room for a few minutes.
 
I'm so sorry , I can too relate , as I've never done anything right in my moms eyes ,ever since highschool.When she was MEAN about my weight ,I would actually gain more ! I had a void to fill I guess . Now when shes mean .I pound the pavement LOL Shes 1200 miles away and still messes with my emotions . As much as your mom probably does love you shes actually a sabatoger (spelling ?).I actaully started my Life style change 1 year ago ,I got DR Phils Book ,on the 7 Keys to weight loss. Great book helped me with tools on how to deal with these types of people in our lives .I would say its time for you to take care of you !!! I'm proud of you with your progress ,Keep it up . Maybe change jobs .Think to your self ..."I"ll show you mom". I lost 48 pounds and well now my mom gives me a hard time about differant stuff ... Geees do they ever stop ??? Its like we are still a kid (I'm 43 ) Hang in there ,keep coming here too These ladies are great !!!! so are the guys in here ... Hugs to you ...:) :) :7 :7
 
You've gotten some great advice here. It's hard to realize that someone like a parent or sibling is actually in many ways an enemy, but that is so often the case for many people, and my heart goes out to them. You do need to tell her, whether it does any good or not that her behavior is unacceptable, then don't listen anymore. Interrupt her. Tell her it's rude. Walk away. Try to stay away from her. And get Caller ID! (This made all the difference for me in avoiding a lot of timewasting crap from my own parents.)

You are doing well becoming fit and healthy. It's the right thing to do and you can build a new life as well as a new body for yourself. Good job.
 
This is a good time to run,run,run (or workout)Whenever I get angry or someone offenses me, I like to workout.Take the negative and turn it into something positive.
I have a hard time relating to this sort of stuff b/c I come from a great family.Now,everytime my mom sees me ,she says"are you still on a diet"? "Im surprised your eating that, you don't eat stuff like that".And that alone bugs me.Last time she said it was over christmas and I looked at DH and said," I don't eat sweets very often,do I?" He laughed and said,"no".We were being sarcastic.
I am sort of stubborn so I think if someone was bringing me down like that I would spend the least amount of time possible with them.Like someone said,its not YOU.Its your mom, who as the problem.
HAve you every told her about it? The next time she throws junk food at you, why don't you say,"one minute your telling me how big I am and the next minute your throwing junk food at me, whats the deal"?
She is probably bringing you down to make herself feel better.
Your gonna have to try and deal with it, or ignore her.
Keep up the good work and don't listen to your mom, she doesn't know what she is talking about!
Lori:)
 
Hi cookiebaby,

I agree that you have gotten some good advice. Talk to her and if things don't change get yourself out of that situation. I know it is not that simple but if things don't change you will not remain healthy.

Goodluck to you,
jordan
 
And I want to add CONGRATULATIONS on the fantastic start you've made on two fronts - 1. the 30 pounds you've already lost and 2. looking from support from such a strong group of people! I can't add to the great stuff you've already gotten, but you have already begun to succeed more than you realize. Just keep going!
 
And speaking of Dr. Phil, he says "you teach people how to treat you," and you have given her the message that you won't do anything about her behavior. THIS has to change, of course. As long as you put up with it, the longer she'll do it. She just won't stop on her own, because, unfortunately, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.

Get tough and stand up for yourself. Ain't nobody else gonna do it for you - Dr. Phil ain't likely to show up at her door to give her the message.
 
Cookiebaby, you have gotten some words of wisdom here girl. Please hang in there. My mom never said anything about my weight, but she always had alot of other stuff about me to complain about. Needless to say, I am 33 years old & feel like I am just now getting some solid self-esteem. The people I surround myself with know me & really appreciate me & vice-versa.

What I want to tell you is that while I don't look anything like Cathe, you can not imagine how powerful, strong, determined, accomplished, I feel when I do & complete her workouts. You need to savour that too & don't let anyone minimize your hard work. NO ONE.

Lastly, if you ever need to vent, girl, a lot of us lurk all day. Just post. Get it all out. You can even PM me & I'll be there for you any way I can.

Marla

:)
 
You can't argue with crazy. Try to stay away from her as much as possible. Don't mention your healthy lifestyle to her or the fact that you are losing weight. As a matter of fact, she is going to get worse the more you lose weight.

Stay strong and realize you are a grown woman and the only person you can depend on is you. It really sucks that the woman you think should love you the most in the world, is the one who gives you the most heartache.

Many of us have been there so you are certainly not alone. Congratulations on your success. Mourn the fact that she will never be the kind of mother you need. You will have to learn to nurture yourself in healthy ways. You can do it.
 
Cookiebaby, cry if you need to but also know that you are on the path, one hundred pounds or no. Love your mother and think of her compassionately. She's overweight and unhappy and does not know how to change that and she must deal with her health problems. She loves you but somehow she has a hard time bolstering you and encouraging the changes you are making. She does not know how to not to criticize and that is sad but it takes a lifetime to become what we are and you may not like what your mother does but she's your mother and I suspect she has had someone cut her down and make her feel small and that's all she knows how to do. Sometimes we cannot get support from the people who should give it the most to and that's where these forums come in and finding friends who are like minded and nurturing and learning from them while accepting and loving the ones who just don't get it. As you change and grow, you can teach your mother what you are learning and perhaps, she'll begin to soften and to be less critical. But always be the better man. :) Hold your tongue when a sharp, hurt, angry or defensive thought arises and love her, because somewhere someone or something hurt her and created this critical, pained person. That's sad. She's sad and it's sad that she hurts you but we will love you and build you up and it may not be quite the same as if it came from your mom, but there's no reason you cannot eventually teach her, help her with ther health issues and change her life in a way that will help her to see you for the awesome woman you are. Know that we admire your hard work, know how incredibly hard it is to take that first step but we also get to be there when you share that you've shed that 25, 50, 100 pounds. I, a stranger, know you can and will and I know your mother loves you but, you know what, we, some of us grow up with disfunctional adults to guide us along and we are fortunate to find others, like the awesome Catheites I know and love, to help us overcome that. Life is a journey, not a destination. Every day is beautiful and when you finally reach your goals that is the beginning, not end. If your mother hurts you, you may wnat to find a way to gently tell her how much that hurts, that you are doing your best. She may not even realize how she is. Be gentle with her. At some point she's been hurt. Talk to her, without anger. without accusation. Couch your words in ways that do not make her defensive. I live with an alcoholic who is at a turning point, knowing he must change but not certain how to do it. There was a time when my anger always made me unable to reach out in a way that can ultimately help him. Along the way I learned that I had to deal with pain and anger and then approach with kindness, humor, non-judgement and unconditional love. That's a toughie! It's slow going, but it is, in the end, going to win him back. I must say my mother is a blessing and embodies gentleness, patience, kindness, generosity. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and she was the rock that held us together. Even so, I have known alcoholism, eating disorders, depression because the other parent whom I also loved had a huge influence. I have survived, triumphed and you will too. And in doing so, you will be able to reach out and the cycle of criticism and sorrow will then break. Hang in there! You are doing so well and the sky's the limit! Rock on, lady! :) :) :) :)
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
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