I feel like a terrible mom..... Long

wonderwoman

wonderwoman

Cathlete
My 17 year old daughter is graduating from HS in 3 weeks. She asked me is I was having a graduation party for her and I said no I couldn't give her one. I didnt offer her an explanation probably out of embarassment. She was very upset and unhappy and began to cry. She said all of her friends were having one.

I had my daughter when I was 18 years old. Needless to say I didnt make it to my graduation/prom because I was pregnant with her. I had moved out of my grandma's house with my boyfriend (her dad) when I was 17 and we lasted together until she was 2.
It was hard for us because we were so young we struggled sometimes not knowing where milk was going to come from but we made it. I decided I didnt want to live this way. I left her dad because he was just a loser. I went on to be a single mom moved back in with my grandma raised my daughter, went to college and also worked. Finally moved out when my daughter was 5 into my own little apt. I remember my rent was $600 a month. Those were the old old days. Just me and my baby.
I spent 5 years in college 20 credits shy of my degree NYPD (I'm 25 yrs old this point) called me I took the exam and I passed. 10 years later (I'm 36 now) I'm married been a cop for 10 years. I have a 5 year old and one on the way and my 17 year old. I live in the suburbs have a wonderful husband and 2 daughters. I feel very blessed to be where I am today. I dont have the biggest house in the neighborhood but it's ours and we have a nice back yard. I come from living in the southbronx NY my whole family living off of public asst. MY mom is 52 and still there! Thats a whole another story....

My husband and I have been married for 5 years the most wonderfullest (even a word?)man I have known. I thank my lucky stars for him. We both have great jobs with great benefits. He is a Det. with NYPD also but we live paycheck to paycheck. We have money for extra's here and there but nothing to big. Our bills do get paid in that respect.We go out to eat about 3/4 times a month we do our annual vacations we also belong to a really nice swim club for the summer but my husband works plenty of overtime to pay for all of this. We both work very hard for what we have but we have no savings.

My 17 year old does have a job but she doesnt make a lot of money. It's her pocket money to hang out with her friends. She does have her own room a desktop computer a blkberry phone so she really doesnt need anything. She also drives my car because I dont have money to buy her a car or through her a graduation party and I feel just horrible about.

What can I say to her to make her understand that it's not that I dont want to we just dont have the money.


Thanks for listening....
 
Wonderwoman (that screen name is SO fitting, btw!! It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and have done amazing things with what you've been dealt. What a great role model for your daughter!!!!)...

Would it be possible to just have something at your house for your daughter's graduation? Everyone can bring a dish, this way you don't have to spend much on food. You also won't have to worry about a venue, and your daughter will still have some sort of party. I remember for my graduation, my parents couldn't afford much for me and this is what we did and I wouldn't have had it any other way! Everyone had a blast, it was so relaxed, and we still got to celebrate with family & friends.
 
meliffy18 said:
Wonderwoman (that screen name is SO fitting, btw!! It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and have done amazing things with what you've been dealt. What a great role model for your daughter!!!!)...

Would it be possible to just have something at your house for your daughter's graduation? Everyone can bring a dish, this way you don't have to spend much on food. You also won't have to worry about a venue, and your daughter will still have some sort of party. I remember for my graduation, my parents couldn't afford much for me and this is what we did and I wouldn't have had it any other way! Everyone had a blast, it was so relaxed, and we still got to celebrate with family & friends.
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If possible, this sounds like a great idea!!!! Linda
 
How about printing off what you wrote? The truth is always a good path to take! We didn't have a lot of money growing up - none of us got a "graduation" party & we knew why. We didn't expect one because we knew money was an issue.
 
I would explain just like you did here, but also find a way to do something for her. It's her high school graduation!

If you can do something at your house, or a local park - wherever you can find for free, and then have others bring a dish, that would be nice. She doess't need a gift, if you can't swing it. But some recognition for her accomplishment would be so rewarding for her, as you can tell.

Even if you can't swing extra food, just gathering people for coffee or drinks would be nice.
Just...something.
 
Thank for all of the suggestions. You guys are great. I did take a pension loan out and I will be getting the money the 1st week of july. I was planning on buying her a car. She uses my car on the weekends and when I get home from work during the week. So I'm ususally home during the week because I let her have the car.
 
melimcn said:
I would explain just like you did here, but also find a way to do something for her. It's her high school graduation!

If you can do something at your house, or a local park - wherever you can find for free, and then have others bring a dish, that would be nice. She doess't need a gift, if you can't swing it. But some recognition for her accomplishment would be so rewarding for her, as you can tell.

Even if you can't swing extra food, just gathering people for coffee or drinks would be nice.
Just...something.
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This sounds like a great idea! Just something acknowledging her achievement.:) It doesn't have to be elaborate. My parent's didn't have much money either and they had cake, coffee, & punch for me, my friends, and family.
 
My sister is just doing a cookout for my niece's graduation. We're all bringing something and her friends are coming too. So it's a "party", but it's not really costing them much of anything. I know at least around here that when people say they are having a graduation party, it's something low key at the person's house - not a rented ballroom with DJ and caterer like you see on those crazy "My Sweet 16" shows on MTV. ;) I know my niece would be pretty heartbroken if we weren't doing this for her though. It's just kind of expected. If she knew she was getting a car later though, she might get over it fast. ;)
 
Wonderwoman-

I like the name too btw! I agree with the others that some sort of pot luck type gathering would be really nice, and it's something you can definitely do on a small budget. And I think just recognizing her achievement would make her feel special. My parents didn't have much (we still don't!) and I remember them hosting an "open house" for me with mostly refreshments and chips and dip type foods. It is a special memory I have years later;) as I'm sure your daughter would.

Above all, I think you should explain the truth to her, and I'm sure she will respect you all the more for it. I know we all want the best for our kids and it is sometimes heartbreaking when we can't give them everything. But I am sure she would be grateful for even a small gathering.

Good Luck and Congratulations!
Julie
 
Sounds to me like you are a terrific mom. Truly one of those against all odds inspirational stories. I hope I don't come off harsh here, . . . but since when are graduation parties required? My husband and I don't quite agree on this topic when it comes to our kids but I had to ride the bus and walk when I was a teen, . . . I never went to prom or parties because my parents couldn't afford it. I paid for college on my own, . . finished college and have worked since I was 16 (except when I got married and had kids). My husband on the other hand had a trust fund from his grandparents and never had to pay for college or cars or anything. I think that there is something to be said about working hard and earning your own money to buy what you NEED versus WANT.
Have her read your post, . . you've said a "heart full" in it. Huggs to you.
 
It sounds like you're a wonderful and dedicated mom. But I agree with janie1234...my parents had MEANS and they didn't throw a party. In fact, they were more of the idea that having a grad party was unnecessarily boastful (trying to translate as well as I can). I was a little hurt by it but it didn't bug me after a couple days. I went to all my friends parties and I had a great time and it did bug me at all. In fact, I even thought later what a hassle it would have been to get everything organized and coordinate with everyone else's parties. Just trying to ease it a little, so don't feel bad, you're a great mom!
 
meliffy18 said:
Would it be possible to just have something at your house for your daughter's graduation? Everyone can bring a dish, this way you don't have to spend much on food.
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I was going to suggest this VERY SAME thing. Family and close friends would certainly understand!
 
You mentioned your family goes out to eat three or four times a month, so maybe another possibility could be making one of those outings in honor of her graduation. She could pick the spot and maybe bring a friend or two. I think even if the total event is relatively small, that doesn't really matter...or at least, in my opinion, it oughtn't. Just a sense of being recognized and loved will be meaningful to her, I'm sure. My mom couldn't afford much when I graduated...we just went out to dinner and she gave me a couple things she'd picked up at a yard sale. They were cool, though, and I was really happy. That was nice, and I didn't feel like I needed a party. I was going right on to college and I remember feeling sad for people who were celebrating that they were totally done with school.
 
I know many graduates have parties together since it is hard for people to make it to each and every one so if several have one together, the cost is shared between the parents.

My sister has done this for both of her kids. They have a special table/area with photos, keepsakes, etc for that specific graduate and then all chip in and bring food.

Keep in mind - they are high school kids so chips, a tray of subs, bowls of candy, and soda is perfectly fine with them.

Just a thought.
 
Thank you guys again for the wonderful words of encouragement and idea's. I decided to have a small dinner party for her at our favorite restuarant. Im not going to tell her I want it to be a surprise. I still want to buy her a car. She deserves it she is a good girl.

In my original post I said my mom was a basket case and she is more than that. That's putting it nicely.
My daughter has no contact with her father because he was a loser and had nothing to offer her. He was in/out of jail and we ended our relationship on a bad note. He stalked me so bad I was in fear for my life. I had to go to court and get an order of protection etc...
He up and left moved out of state and was never heard from again. I didnt know if he was alive or dead and I really didnt care. Well he did keep in touch with my mother on/off all these years. She gave him pictures of my daughter and kept him informed. I had a feeling of this and I warned her she knew how I felt about him.
Yesterday my daughter gets a phone call on her cellphone from guess who?????
Yup her father.......and guess who gave him her cellphone number????
Yup my mom!!!!!!
 
wonderwoman said:
Yesterday my daughter gets a phone call on her cellphone from guess who?????
Yup her father.......and guess who gave him her cellphone number????
Yup my mom!!!!!!
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That really bites! I'm sure your mom meant well, but still she should have respected your wishes.

I think your final decision is perfect, btw. Have fun!
 
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