I am very hurt and sad and need advice!

C

cookiebaby

Cathlete
Hi everyone. I haven't been on for awhile and I have had a rough few months but things were looking up until now. My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. I love him more than anything!!!!! Well, when we first got married he had this addiction to porn, in the form of strip clubs, magazines, movies and internet sites. I didn't know how serious it was, I thought it was because he was 21 and it was a guy-that-age-phase. He got better and stayed away for a long time. Well, now he is doing it again. I confronted him and he denied it. THen I found out he spent tons of money on a stripper and on internet sites. He complains about me spending money and he's wasting it away on things like this. Then he tells me I don't make love as good as the girls in those movies and don't satisfy him like they do with their man. I am heartbroken and distraught. He says I'm just being a prude and am too "Catholic" What should I do?x(
 
First off, let me say how sorry I am. Your husband should not be belittling you and making you feel bad because you chose to confront him about an issue that is affecting your marriage.

I have two observations. First, it sounds like your husband has very unrealistic and 'fantasyland' ideas about what it means to be in a committed, lifetime, relationship, both when it comes to the marriage in general and the sexual relationship. Of course the women 'satisfy' their man, it's pornography and it's not real life. These women are being paid to play a part, act a certain way, and to elicit that type of wish fulfillment from men. And of course it's automatic, with no need to communicate, with everything being perfect, and everyone being 'into it'. Would people watch pornography if it was reflective of real life? It sounds like your husband is retreating into this fantasyland in order to avoid dealing with real life issues, which is a cope out. Real life and real relationships can be very hard at times, and the rewards for when it works are tremendous. But for some, the hard work and all it entails is too daunting and so retreating into the unreal seems easier. And then of course you get to blame the world for why it isn't like this unreal world. Second, your husband may have an addiction to pornography. This is not something that can easily be understood or managed and does require professional intervention. I would strongly encourage both of you to get individual therapy for yourselves (you need support too!!!) and couples counseling also. There are also support groups for sexual addicts that mimic the 12 step process and can be quite helpful.

I just want to say as strongly as I can that you are not the one with the issue here. Unfortunately because it is affecting someone you love it is affecting you too. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you that you can work through this.

Sabine
p.s. Sorry if it seemed like I was coming down too harshly on your husband. I do feel like he needs to take ownership that this is his issue.
 
Well, my advice is to pray, and I would tell him that you can't live that way, its either you or his pornography. I am so sorry to hear your going thru this, its hard to deal with. Maybe for one you need software on your computer to keep him from going to any porn sites. And he needs to be accountable to you for what he spends money on until he gets this beat.......... I wish you all the best ... God bless Rhonda:7
 
I am very sorry for the dilemna you are in. You being against your husband being into pornography has nothing to do with being Catholic. I am a very devout Catholic, but pornography is wrong no matter what your religion. He should never blame your religion or you for his addiction.

His addiction is just that an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. Alcoholics always blame others for their addiction also. I think pornography is one of the worst kind of addiction for any man to have but for a married man it is much worse. That is very belittling to you.

I want you to know, it has nothing to do with you not fulfilling him. Like another poster said he ia living in fantasy land. This society has really made the sexual act so degrading! It is supposse to be a holy act among spouses.

I know that you will need counseling. I remember seeing Dr. Phil on the Oprah show a while ago and he told this woman whose husband was addicted to pornography to show him where the door was. He said that it was the same as him being unfaithful, like he was commiting adultery.

I will pray for you, for this will be a rough road. Your husband can only stop this addiction if he wants to, as long as he sees no wrong in it he will not stop.

How would he feel if it were reversed? You told him that he didn't satisfy you and that you needed to go elsewhere? And the money part of it is disgusting also.

Pray that the Lord will guide you in the direction you need to go. Please keep us posted.

God bless you,

Cheryl
 
I thought id add my $2 in here and being a man might be able to give you a different perspective. Firstly as someone else on there said, the women and guys that often appear in the movies are all playing a fantasy role. Nothing is real. How many men do you know that have a 8-10inch penis? Very few I bet!

As for your being “too Catholic” that is just his way to trying to lay the blame on someone else. If you do have any religious connotations I’m sure he knew of these before you both got married, so he really shouldn’t be making this comments.

Any addiction can be serious be it drugs, food or sex (porn). I’m assuming that he isn’t actually doing anything (having sex) with someone else?

The only real way to deal with this is to make it very clear that you will not tolerate this behaviour. To tolerate it is to accept it. And if you do that you really have no place in complaining about it. You must live your morals. I think looking at porn is one thing, but actually going to strip bars is quite another.

Of course it is easy for us all to say what you should and shoudn’t do, because we don’t have to feel your pain.

However, someone made a comment that you should just “pray”. Now, I pray at night, before bed, but more as a comfort thing. Let me say that just “praying” isn’t going to solve the problem. Its like being stuck in the middle of the ocean and saying “well, I could swim for shore, but I’m sure if I pray something angelic will happen”. Pray to God, but swim for shore…

Good luck.

xxx
 
Typical addict behavior - he's blaming YOU for his problem. I agree that you need to do more than pray, you need to develop a plan for you future. You need to get tough and tell him you will leave unless he gets help, then make a plan to DO IT!

Pray, yes, but pray for the wisdom and STRENGTH to do what you know you need to do.
 
Hi, this must be so hard for you. I think Sabine gave you some great advice. It sounds like he is addicted, and addictions don't just stop without help. The big problem is, that he has to be the one who wants help. You can tell him he needs to stop, but it won't matter unless he really understands that it is wrong. Counseling might help, if he is willing to go. He is definitely living in fantasy land, bec I don't know many woman who treat their man like a stripper treats a client. Lets face it, the stripper is there to get more money in her pocket by boosting his ego and telling him how hot he is. It is not real. I think you should go for counseling to help you with this, to see if this is someone you want to build your life with.
 
I think it's your husband who needs help. In a marriage sex is not simply about being physical, it's about intimacy. It sounds like he has no concept of what intimacy is. People in porn videos are performing an act that is strictly physical. There is no emotion, love, caring, or respect. Animals can do what they do, humans are supposed to take it to a higher level. He seems stuck at the juvenile phase of development. In order for you to ever have a "grown up" real relationship he is going to have to mature. Some people never do. You need to lay it on the line with him. I would say it's either the porn or me. Some people have no problem with porn, but he sounds like he's just gone too far. To compare you to some paid porn star sounds like he IS crazy. You could probably complain that he isn't satisfying YOU because he doesn't look like Antonio Banderas, and that maybe if he did look more like Antonio, you could satisfy him better. That's just how stupid his argument is. What great sexual God does he think he is that has you wanting to rip your clothes off and attack him? Is he supportive? Helps you around the house? Listens to you? Makes you feel loved in non-physical ways? He's probably spending more time with his porn than you, but he wants you to feel great passion for him, without him putting in much effort. He isn't holding up his end of the bargain either. People who live in fantasy land will never be satisfied with boring reality, nor will they ever have any depth in their lives. As for the too Catholic part????? According to the bible it is a man's obligation to satisfy his wife. He's failing miserably.
Dawn
Sexed up Lutheran Lady;)
 
I could have been reading something I wrote myself. My ex husband was exactly the same. EXACTLY. I tried to stick it out, tried anything I could think of, and eventually I found out he had cheated numerous times. Unless he wants to get help, I think you are fighting a battle you can't win. Please, try to get him some help if you can. Life is too short to spend it with someone who does not respect you on every level.

LKZ
 
Hi,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think counselling will work. Everyone said everyone who has problems should go for counselling. I don't believe in that. If I were you, I'd get HIV test done and get other STD tests done. If he won't cooperate, show his sorry booty the door. I wouldn't tolerate his behavior. NOT ONCE. I'd be more worried about my health and life if I were you. I don't know if he's cheating, but don't be surprised if he is. My friend went through the same thing and she got HIV from him. PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL! Besides, I don't listen to Dr. Phil. He's not even a real doctor. Dr. Phil Fans, please don't bite my head off. I know I don't agree with you about Dr. Phil.

My prayers are with you. Let me know how you're doing.

Lisa
 
Hi. I don't have any personal experience with this sort of situation, but my heart goes out to you. This must be so very hard. Just remember that he is lashing out at you, but that this addiction is his problem not yours.

There is a Christian radio show that I listen to a lot that seems to deal with this issue quite a bit. The show is called "New Life Live" and they have a website at www.newlife.com . They have a book called "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arturburn that is all about this issue and also have seminars and things. It is all with a Christian affiliation, but I think even if you were not very religious they would still have some pretty good advice. The radio show is a lot lot Dr. Laura, but they tend to let people talk longer! :)

I hope that you get the help and support that you need to get through this.

Amanda
 
I think you may need to take some time away from him so that you can get a better perspective on what is happening. Right now, my guess is that you are feeling extremely overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger and also you are worried about your relationship and then on top of that the questioning and doubt about yourself as a partner. You need to take one step at a time and the first step is to think about yourself and what YOU need. You do not need to understand sex or porn addiction to take care of yourself. If you choose to work with your husband through this, then you will need to understand it. First, you need to decide whether you want to help your husband get passed this and whether or not you will live with it if he chooses not to get help. And I might add that this addiction is like other addictions in that it gradually gets worse and more extreme. Whatever you do, please do not ignore it. If he promises he wont do it anymore, chances are he will. He may lie about it because he's embarrassed and then try to turn the tables and make you feel guilty by criticizing you or telling you that your sexuality is not good enough...that is bull ####. You may want to buy into it because it’s too difficult to face the possibility of the relationship not working. Hence, the suggestion of getting some perspective on what you really need.
While I'm at it, I will just through in my two cents on porn...that its an evil industry, it coerces young people to make decisions that are NOT in their best interest and then it traps them ~ all the while the companies behind the scenes AND big corporations make the money NOT the kids in the movies; it degrades the sexuality of both men and women and the really sad thing is that its so common place now that its just a big joke. Personally, I think women have the responsibility to reject the objectification of women rather than “go with the flow” so that they don’t get labeled a prude or a bitch. I’m sure I’m going to get hammered for this. Remember, it’s just my opinion. Bottom line here to me is that you need to think about yourself and what you need in your life…and BE STRONG!
 
I'm so sorry to hear about this. My EX husband cheated on me and got into that stuff too and I was devastated. We were married for 11 years and had a 3 yr old at the time we separated. It's been 3 years since my divorce and I'm still trying to get over it. I'm still scarred from all that has happened, but I HAVE moved on. I'm much happier now than I was with him and I've met someone else who is WONDERFUL!!! We've been together 2 years now and we've gotten this issue out in the open before hand. He knows all the hell I've been through. He can't stand my ex for the pain he put me through. He's not into that garbage and we made sure to talk about it extensively. Not all men are like this. You don't have to put up with it.

I agree with what everyone said here...especially Lisa. Please go get yourself tested right away! You don't know what else he's been doing and you've got to get yourself checked out.
 
Rachel! Well said!!!

>While I'm at it, I will just through in my two cents on
>porn...that its an evil industry, it coerces young people to
>make decisions that are NOT in their best interest and then it
>traps them ~ all the while the companies behind the scenes AND
>big corporations make the money NOT the kids in the movies; it
>degrades the sexuality of both men and women and the really
>sad thing is that its so common place now that its just a big
>joke. Personally, I think women have the responsibility to
>reject the objectification of women rather than “go with the
>flow” so that they don’t get labeled a prude or a bitch. I’m
>sure I’m going to get hammered for this. Remember, it’s just
>my opinion. Bottom line here to me is that you need to think
>about yourself and what you need in your life…and BE STRONG!
>

RACHEL! I agree with you 100% about porn being an EVIL industry. I hate it so much my stomach turns!! I agree with you 100% that women shouldn't just "go with the flow" and do have the responsibility to reject it! I think it's so degrading! You said it so well!! I think it's way too accepted in this country. It's unbelievable!
 
RE: Rachel! Well said!!!

Oh, Cookie, you have a tough situation but don't give up hope. You have gotten good advice here. I think you should gently but firmly tell your husband that his sex addiction is unacceptable and he needs help. Of course, you don't make love like those woman because they aren't real. They exist to titillate and make money. You and he can't possibly enjoy the kind of beautiful sex life you deserve if he perverts his mind with those kinds of images. Do some research on sexual addictions and inform him with as little anger and condemnation as you can muster but do give him an ultimatium and tell him you cannot accept his behavior and won't subject yourself to it. You might even want to visit a counsellor who specializes in that type of addiction to get an idea how to make him see it for what it is and to do something about it. Good luck to you. Be strong and fight for you marriage. Finally, do everything you can to keep you self esteem high. This is HIS problem and you are a beautiful woman who deserves respect and love and shouldn't have to look like a playboy bunny and act like a prostitute to get it!

Big hugs to you!
Chicks's Rule! http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Bobbi
 
I just want you to know that I am praying for you as I write. Someone suggested the New Life radio program...such a great group of counselors and if I'm not mistaken at least one of them have come out of an addiction to porn/sexually acting out. It is possible for our minds to be renewed...and all-powerful Creator can do that if we're willing. My marriage strained under similar circumstances to yours, and although my husband never acted out the pain was excruciating. Now I can talk about it without hurting all over again because my husband is a new man. His relationship with Jesus has transformed his mind, and my way of thinking is totally transformed also. Everyone who said you must make him choose between you or the addiction is right. It's a marriage, not a harem (real or virtual). But there is hope if he's willing. God bless you.
CinDee
 
Yes, honeybunch someone mentioned Dr. Phil. Read the posts. Dr. Phil was mentioned. Please don't even start picking a fight with me. I'm not even trying to start anything. I appreciate that.
 
I brought Dr. Phil up. Just to let you know I am not what anyone would call a Dr. Phil fan. I have never even watched his show. I have seen him on occasion on the Oprah show.

If noc529 would have noticed I said the same thing she did, but said that he said to show him the door. You know I don't care what noc529 thinks about Dr. Phil, and he is a doctor of psychiatry.

I am sorry if this post upset her, but it was just one brief comment and she assumed much from what I said.

We are all entitled to our opinion, and do not need someone cutting our opinions down.

Cheryl
 
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