I am very hurt and sad and need advice!

Your husband is human. That being said I know how difficult it is when someone you love and trust betrays you. He makes his choices and must live with the consequences. Be strong in your expectations. You deserve nothing less than a healthy, honest, loving, empowering relationship.

There is power in prayer, and sometimes I, too, forget that. Please remember that there will be many sombodies out here "praying you through."

hugs!
 
Cheryl,
I'm not here to pick a fight. So what if I said show him the door? I said that because that's what I would've done. I have showed a couple of ex boyfriends the door. I honestly, honestly don't care if you like Dr. Phil or not. I'm not here to tell you what you can or can't like, ok? I'm about to say something but I'm going to keep it to myself because I don't want to start trouble. So what you and I had a beef a couple months ago? We don't talk or anything so big deal. I've made some real nice and good friends from this forum. SURPRISED, right??? Anyway, I hope you have a good day, Cheryl. You're not the only Catholic on the forum. I'm religious, too. Act like a good Christian lady, ok? Drop this. Thank you.

Lisa
 
noc

noc529-

Did you ever wonder why all the threads you respond to become arguments? We all have opinions but some are more gracious in expressing them.

Think about it...
 
Amanda just gave you what I was going to direct you towards. We've seen great success with this ministry. My husband read the book and I read the wives counterpart (Living with your Husband's Secret Sin, I think...I'd look it up but it's packed). FANTASTIC!!! We also know other couples that have used New LIfe and have overcome serious porn issues in their lives. It's something that can be dealt with but like others said, HE has to want the help. A phrase from "Every Man's Battle" that sticks in my head is this, "no wife deserves to be compared to a porn queen. She shouldn't even have to compete with that in her own bed." It's not an exact quote but it's close.

You have every right to feel betrayed. He has betrayed your trust. He's brought other women into your marriage. That's adultery, plain and simple.

Take action but also pray for guidance and that God would soften his heart to see his problem.

Praying for you,

Sue<><
 
I've read all the responses and I feel compelled to respond. Please don't bite my head off anyone, please, since I have a different perspective.

As a Physics undergrad and a computer consultant now, I work with men most of the time. And I kind of get in on the real scoop. I would say the majority of the men I have met (notice I'm not saying the majority of men in the world) including the men that I went to college with at a private christian school, were interested in porn.

In my opinion porn is out there, its a fact of life, and most men will look at it from time to time. Including movies, strip clubs and internet, especially the internet.

That being said, I'm not saying that all porn to all degrees is ok. What I'm saying is that its not the porn or the mere fact that someone is enjoying porn that makes it bad. I'm also saying that your husband is not in the minority I would think and because he looks at it, it does not make him addicted.

What's IS BAD are the comments your husband is now making about you not living up to the porn figures. That's just unrealistic and he is living in a fantasy world. He has crossed the line from just sort of being amused by the whole thing to actually thinking normal people behave in that manner.

I would recommend counciling for both of you. Clearly your husband doesn't feel like what he is doing is wrong and you do, and there in lies the disconnect. Also, by you forbidding it, it makes it that much more enticing to him.

From personal experience EVERYONE I have ever dated has liked porn, and I am not dating all completely godless people. The difference is I am open about it and so are they. They can tell me the truth about it and I think this actually serves the purpose of making it less likely that they will look at it. Its no longer a forbidden fruit.

I am married now and my husband can be totally honest with me if he wants to go to a strip club or on the internet. But the only time he ever goes is for a bachelor party or something along those lines. But he never has to lie about it and that creates a very honest open relationship. The guys I work with are always talking about their escapades at the strip clubs and how they are hiding it from their significant others.

Just my thoughts, please don't kill me.
:) :)
 
Jalene hit the nail right on the head!

Side comment - I never realized there were so many religious Christians in the forum.
 
Yes Jolene hit it square. I'm a Christian too (not religious, just Christian:) ) and so is my husband, but he is like Jolene said, a man. But he doesn't buy into the hype like it sounds like your hubby is tempted to do or has done. Even when we actually buy into the false flattery of salespeople (which sounds like the sin we're talking about here) there is still a way back to reality.

I am praying for you two too, Cookie.
-Connie
 
Cookie -- I feel compelled to respond because I have a porn-addicted husband, too. Make no mistake, it IS an addiction. He turns to porn when he is stressed. AND, his moods turn very abusive when he is on the internet viewing porn sites.

I am a Christian and agree with everyone who advised you to pray for wisdom and strength. You will need it. Sexuality is a gift from God and is meant for a husband and one wife, not scores of fantasy women. He has committed infideility and has cheated on you, if he hasn't already had an affair, he is well down the road to doing it. None of this has anything to do with your womanliness. Rather it has to do with what is going on inside him.

Please look up "Every Man's Battle" as others have suggested. My husband has not yet gone because he's not stressed right now and thinks he has things under control. I have made it very clear to him that pornography is infidelity and that is grounds for DIVORCE. I love my husband and I love me just as much. It makes no sense to me to spend my time with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I have expressed this. My husband knows that if this ever happens again, there WILL be a separation. It's either me, or his fantasy girls, not both. The only way you will have any chance to save your marriage is to make it clear that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE and FOLLOW THROUGH if he does not get counseling. If you don't you are actually sowing the seeds for further infidelity and you deserve better.

I have felt your pain and know a tough stance combined with prayer is the only solution.

By the way, as tough as I am on men and the porn question, I also have to say that I keep away from romance novels because I think those are the equivalent of "female porn". Not a relationship with a real person, just a fantasy.

You are in my prayers, Cookie.

Juli
 
Jolene, Jogger and Connie,

I wasn't going to respond to this thread, but your posts have compelled me to do so.

So, as Christians, are you saing that porn is okay to a certain degree?

I've always been taught "that which is not of God is of the devil" and porn sure as heck is not from God.

And, would you please clarify when you say you are Christians, but not religious? I sometimes think that of myself because I love Christ and his teachings, but I have some problems with some aspects of "Christianity."



Jolene,

The problem I have with your post is that you are making it sound like it's Cookie's problem. That if Cookie were to accept that her husband enjoys porn then their problems would be resolved.

BECAUSE Cookie's husband views porn, he has unrealistic expectations of HER. His expectation is a residual effect of his viewing porn. I don't see how Cookie's acceptance of porn will change his unrealistic expectation.

And, if my DH were to tell me that he wanted to go to a strip club, that would NOT be okay with me because strip clubs are not where Christian men should be going. What sort of thoughts and fantasies are invoked by viewing nude/semi-nude women? PLUS, it begs the question WHY would he feel the need to even visit a strip club?

I don't know if you have children, but DH feels that those strippers are someone's daughters and he'd never patronize "businesses" that victimizes women like that.

Yes, porn is a fact of life, but it's not something I'm inclined to idly watch and allow to infiltrate my family's life because it is NOT harmless.
 
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