Help me with my lack of patience. (long!)

LauraMax

LauraMax

Cathlete
I mentioned a while back that a very good friend of mine has started training w/me. Well, while it was fun at first, it's starting to wear really thin. She claims she's "on a mission." Her words. But I'm not sure what kind of a mission other than to make me nutty. :p

We've been working out together for about 2 months now. I told her when we first started to bring a notebook so she could write down the exercises & weights. It took 2 weeks of me reminding her until she finally brought it. Last night I found out she's written down maybe 25% of the whole routine.

She also doesn't seem to pay attention when I describe stuff to her. It's kind of like she's just relying on me to always be there to show her what to do. I've given her a few not-so-subtle hints, like "you have to write this stuff down so you can do the routine without me." Problem is, I work an awful lot of hours & my lifting routine has gone from one hour to two hours when she's w/me b/c I have to explain everything to her every time we lift.

I gave her a few Cathe & Tracey DVDs to take home a couple of weeks ago. I finally asked for them back, & as it turned out she never watched any of them. See, it's not like my routine is complicated. There are no compound movements, no balance stuff, no fancy footwork. It's very basic, traditional lifting, what I call my "Arnold" routine. ;) I just cannot understand why, after 2 months, she still doesn't know how to do a bicep curl. :confused:

Part of this is def. my problem--I've been doing this long enough that it's like second nature to me. That said, when I first started working out I read everything I could get my hands on & went out of my way to educate myself. She doesn't seem to make any effort when she's not w/me. It's not like she's busy--she's 38, works less than 40 hours a week, is single, no kids & lives w/her mom. I am kinda busy--I struggle to fit in my routine each week b/c I work a lot of nights--& what used to be a 5-6 pm w/o has turned into a 5-7 pm w/o, leaving me almost no time to food shop, hit the dry cleaners, etc. etc.

Now I'm starting to get irritated to the point that non-exercise stuff she does is bugging me. Like, she intentionally buys w/o clothes a size to small b/c she says it "holds everything in." OMG! It is not a pretty picture..........she weighs about 20 lbs more than me & I told her last week I was gonna Goodwill the pants I was wearing b/c I felt like they were too small & she said "give them to me!" :eek: She actually has a pretty nice body too--I'd call her voluptuous--& I think if she wore clothes that fit she'd look really fabulous.

I also think she's lying to me about her diet & cardio. Not much I can do about that, but she's hardly on a "mission" if she's cheating on that stuff.

So, what would you guys do? Should I sit her down, have a talk w/her & tell her she needs to get serious or she can't train w/me anymore? Or should I just tell her I think she has the basics she needs & she can do it without me from now on? She's one of my best friends--I'm afraid I'll ruin our friendship if I bail on her, but I'm also afraid I'll ruin our friendship if I keep working out w/her. Please help!
 
It sounds like the only real problem you're having here is that she is causing your workouts to take twice as long as they would if you were working out alone. And so the question is do you consider that enough of a problem to say something to her? If it is, then the next question is do you tell her that you need to finish in an hour and that isn't happening when you workout with her, or do you make up something else? I'd go with the truth, since it's not really a hurtful thing to say (assuming you're diplomatic) and also gives her a chance to address the problem. Making something up is likely to cause more problems, but that's something you need to decide.

The other stuff - her not watching the videos, wearing small workout clothes - doesn't seem like it's causing you any real difficulty. I'm not sure what it is that bothers you about those things. Unless there's something that affects you personally about her wearing clothes that are too small (and I can't think of how it would), you should probably keep that to yourself. Because that could hurt her feelings and I don't see anything good that could come out of it.

She may not be as interested in working out as she says, or as dedicated as you are. She may just be doing this to spend time with you. If she's been going at it for 2 months though, she's obviously got something invested in it. But she's a grown woman, and unless she asks you, she will probably not welcome your telling her she's not doing what you think she should be doing. That's a terrible sentence, but hopefully you get my point. Just address the issue of your needing to finish the workouts in an hour - the rest of the stuff is not important.
 
It may be time for a heart to heart, as scary as it is to tell the truth about how you're feeling. It WILL come out when you least expect it, and it won't be pretty if you don't do it proactively. You're a woman with a sword who has no compunctions about attacking a muppet - I recommend you deal with the situation before you go samurai on her ass!
 
No, that's not the only problem. The biggest problem is that she's not listening to me, & she's just not serious about it, even though she insists she is. THAT'S why the w/os are so much longer. I've trained w/people in the past, even people who are kind of beginners, & the w/os have only taken maybe another 15-20 minutes. Not another hour every single time.

So, the point is, if she really is interested in learning, if she was really "on a mission," she'd have picked at least some of this stuff up by now & our w/os would be relatively short. After 2 months they're still an hour too long. And the lying--lying bothers me an awful lot.

And like I said before, my irritation w/this is causing irritation w/other stuff. And to be honest, see my sig line re. wearing clothes too small.

Morningstar! LOL! How well you know me.........this is what I'm afraid of. I don't want things to reach critical mass.
 
I get your annoyance. Lying is a huge thing for me-I cannot abide liars. And I'm pretty impatient with people who repeatedly waste my time. Like you I'm assuming, I would be patient with it taking longer in the beginning, but at some point it has to stop. I'm so annoyed with people who have no clue about wasting someone else's time. In fact, this happened to me yesterday and I was so irritated. I was already running late after the French class I teach, and I ran into this guy who always talks to me forever about nothing. I immediately told him that I was really late getting back to work and I had to go and he still kept me for 10 minutes and then walked me to my car. It makes me mad just thinking about it now!

Anyway, sorry to go so off-topic. I'd definitely tell her (nicely) that you need to cut down on your workout time. She may just be clueless and hopefully will start respecting your time more.

Amy
 
Laura - Is there any way to make up a "workout" card for her with all the exercises. Then hand it to her and tell her that this a "special program" you made up for her. Maybe tell her that she has come to the point now where she is proficient enough to work with the card and run through her exercises without you having to demonstrate/supervise. Maybe go on to say something like - she's come a long way in 2 months and now between the two of you, you should be able to breeze through your workouts in an hour now. I'd find a way to put a positive spin on it all.

This is why I could never have a workout buddy. I'm way too impatient and just want to get through my workouts. I can handle DH only because he doesn't like me messing with him either, so we work side by side without bugging the other.
 
Liann said:
Laura - Is there any way to make up a "workout" card for her with all the exercises. Then hand it to her and tell her that this a "special program" you made up for her. Maybe tell her that she has come to the point now where she is proficient enough to work with the card and run through her exercises without you having to demonstrate/supervise. Maybe go on to say something like - she's come a long way in 2 months and now between the two of you, you should be able to breeze through your workouts in an hour now. I'd find a way to put a positive spin on it all.

This is why I could never have a workout buddy. I'm way too impatient and just want to get through my workouts.
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Ditto everything Liann said here!

You need YOUR workouts to fit your schedule/life, so it's time to gently cut the cord. Maybe tell her you'll "see her in an hour" at the beginning of the workout as a way to nudge her that she should be working out by herself. Good luck!
 
I'm with Morningstar on this one. You have to tell her before it comes in a much more negative way than you would like. Even if she gets a little miffed in the beginning, she will get over it. But if it comes out in an irritable, angry way - that could ruin your friendship indefinitely.
 
Oh boy did you guys hit the nail on the head! I think probably what's making me so crazy is my own routine is suffering. I'm taking too much time betw. sets to show her what to do, correct her form, sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.

OMG speaking of which, I was trying to teach her how to spot me w/the bench press--I've had a lot of trouble increasing my chest strength so I figured I could at least get some benefit from her training w/me if I could teach her how to spot. So I showed her last night--stand behind me, just give the bar a little push from the center when I ask. For some reason she decided to do it even though I hadn't asked--from the right side! So I'm putting the bar back into place & all of a sudden I felt the right side flying upwards while the left side dipped rapidly--I had no idea she was gonna do it, I wasn't expecting it, & I damn near dropped the left side of the bar & the plates on my shoulder. I did yell at her, I couldn't help it, it freaked me out. I said "PLEASE don't spot me unless I ask you!" :mad:

Anyway, the point of her notebook was similar to what you're suggesting. But maybe I'll put the whole routine on a spreadsheet & send her on her way. We're meeting Sun morning for a workout. Perhaps we'll have brunch after & I'll try to do this so we're both happy w/the result. ;)
 
Didn't you have a similar problem with someone else a while ago (last year?). Or am I thinking of another forum member?

If so, what did you do to solve that? (If not, never mind!;))

I think if you want to remain friends, you should not mix friendship and workouts, as it doesn't seem to be working.

Depending on how good of a friend she is, maybe buy her a few sessions with a PT, and schedule your sessions at a different time. Choose someone who will give her some 'tough love' without being mean. Someone who will take her off your hand's and maybe help her develop some skills and better habits. Maybe she'll learn not to rely on the other person so much (and maybe she relys on you so much because you are friends).

Just a thought.
 
YIKES!

OMG! She could have seriously injured you! I remember you have posted on this subject before.

I ask this question with all seriousness: is she learning impaired? I have a friend who is really nice, but she has some learning difficulties. She tries really hard with things, but she just doesn't seem to "get" it on different topics. I used to get really frustrated, but then I realized that she is unfortuntely limited. I am fortunte to not have those issues.

If she is not learning impaired, then I think it is time for you to have that heart to heart or tell her that you feel she has come a long way and is ready to go it alone - as mentioned by previous posters. She isn't serious and she doesn't pay attention. Those two factors are dangerous in the weight room. A wrong turn or not looking out can leading getting hit with a dropped plate or dumbbell. I once whacked myself in the face taking a 10 lb plate off of the Smith machine thinking it was only a 2.5er. I grabbed it wrong and it slipped and hit me in the lip - I could have broken my teeth or my nose or worse. I was fatigued and sorta spaced out. I learned from that scare.

It is not fair to you that your workouts are suffering. I think you can walk away from this situation without any regrets since between this post and the last one, you can truly know you did everything you could to help her. It sounds like she is not as serious as you and that is ok, but your time is being wasted and that, to me, is unacceptable.

I have tried to help people over the years with their fitness goals and some have taken the advice and some have not. Then there are the individuals who whine about it and do nothing to help themselves. I used to have a friend who would talk about how great I looked when she andI would run into each other. I once spent like 2 hours with her discussing her goals and how she could achieve them. I ran into her a few months later. She had actually gained more weight. Then she started her thing again. This time all I said was good luck with that and I walked away.

I was able to help another friend lose 50 lbs. I taught her to shop the perimeter of the grocery store and she took care of doing the exercise: Taebo. I did recommend Cathe of course! haha! But, she took it upon herself to make the change happen. She did it and she looks and feels great.

I think you can walk away and get back to your routine. You will feel so much better!

LauraMax said:
Oh boy did you guys hit the nail on the head! I think probably what's making me so crazy is my own routine is suffering. I'm taking too much time betw. sets to show her what to do, correct her form, sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.

OMG speaking of which, I was trying to teach her how to spot me w/the bench press--I've had a lot of trouble increasing my chest strength so I figured I could at least get some benefit from her training w/me if I could teach her how to spot. So I showed her last night--stand behind me, just give the bar a little push from the center when I ask. For some reason she decided to do it even though I hadn't asked--from the right side! So I'm putting the bar back into place & all of a sudden I felt the right side flying upwards while the left side dipped rapidly--I had no idea she was gonna do it, I wasn't expecting it, & I damn near dropped the left side of the bar & the plates on my shoulder. I did yell at her, I couldn't help it, it freaked me out. I said "PLEASE don't spot me unless I ask you!" :mad:

Anyway, the point of her notebook was similar to what you're suggesting. But maybe I'll put the whole routine on a spreadsheet & send her on her way. We're meeting Sun morning for a workout. Perhaps we'll have brunch after & I'll try to do this so we're both happy w/the result. ;)
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No Kathryn, wasn't me. The only problem I've had w/training partners is them not showing up. :eek:

This girl shows up, I just don't think she's as serious about it as she wants to be, if that makes sense. And I also think she's using me as a crutch instead of making a true effort to learn & understand what we're doing.

Becky, thanks for the input--it is so cool that you helped someone lose 50 lbs! I don't think she's learning impaired, but I believe she doesn't think physical activity should require thought, know what I mean? BTW, I've always meant to tell you, I love your screen name. It's very clever. :cool:
 
LauraMax said:
Oh boy did you guys hit the nail on the head! I think probably what's making me so crazy is my own routine is suffering. I'm taking too much time betw. sets to show her what to do, correct her form, sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.
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Sounds like you have a serious deicision to make, which might be based on how close of friends you are. I rarely train with friends because my lifting workouts are already 45-60 minutes. If I trained with them, they would be super long. Plus, when I train with friends, it is nothing like how I train my clients. I find that I talk too much with friends and the workouts aren't as intense. So, what's the point? ;)
 
lcobb2 said:
Sounds like you have a serious deicision to make, which might be based on how close of friends you are. I rarely train with friends because my lifting workouts are already 45-60 minutes. If I trained with them, they would be super long. Plus, when I train with friends, it is nothing like how I train my clients. I find that I talk too much with friends and the workouts aren't as intense. So, what's the point? ;)
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Exactly. You know, I did PT many many years ago in college, & teaching someone who's paying you isn't nearly as challenging as trying to teach a friend. I think partly b/c I feel like my friend should be a little more considerate of my time, as opposed to someone who's actually giving you $$$ for your time. You know, if someone's putting out the money & they don't give it full effort, it's their loss. If I'm giving my time & she's not making the effort, it's my loss.

Yes, my lifting routines are about 60 minutes, not 120 minutes. :p I was on my own last night & it was such a pleasure to burn through it in an hour & really get a slammin workout!

She's probably my best friend, so it does have to be handled delicately. We're gonna have a heart to heart this w/e. Wish me luck!
 
LauraMax said:
She's probably my best friend, so it does have to be handled delicately. We're gonna have a heart to heart this w/e. Wish me luck!
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Laura--I imagine that must be the most difficult part. I have a best friend as well, but she's seriously overweight and whenever we workout together, she just can't keep up. It's just that she needs to work out much harder for a long time in order to get where I'm at (please don't read that as arrogant, it's not meant to be at all). I love her dearly. However, whenever I consider training with her, I still do my own workouts and then consider my time with her "active rest". That may seem really harsh, but if you're super fit (as you are), you deserve to put yourself first. I still do this--nothing comes between me and my fitness. This is my favorite quote:

"Fill your own cup first and nourish others from the overflow" (anon).

I know you're a tremendously busy lady, but could you possibly schedule your time with her as weekly (once or twice a week) as your friend time together rather than anything else that you already do? Or do you already only meet with her when you train together. That is, instead of going to dinner, shopping, etc., your "dates" are in the gym.
 
I'd give it the ol' "Hey now that we've worked together for a while, I'm going to do one more week with you and then set you free to work it on your pwn for a while. I like working with you but I need to get back to my routine and you'll be okay without me after 2 months. Wehn you feel like you need to increase, we'll grab a coffee and talk about increasing weights, etc."

So, Ditch her....nicely!
 
Laura,

I haven't read any of the other posts, but do want to say something.

You are one of best friends, that makes a difference. She asked for your help. So, having patience is needed. But, if the workouts are doubling your time, you do need to say something about that. Sit her down and tell her to follow you, (don't teach her), let her see for herself what you are doing. Let her mimic your movements, eventually she will get it. Tell her you only have a certain amount of time to spend on exercising and in order to do that, she needs to follow you as best as she can. While you are doing the exercises if you do see something that she is doing wrong, tell her while you are doing the exercises.

I say this, because my hubby works out with me, (my best friend) he doesn't do choreography well at all. Some of the exercises he does is without good form. He has two left feet even doing the basic exercises. I keep going and try to get in a position where he can see me and the DVD plus counting helps. It may take a few weeks, but eventually, he sees it and does it correctly. For me/and him It's better than pointing out his mistakes. (There are so many!) I won't complain to him, because at least he is trying and if I keep on him, it will sound like I'm nagging him. I won't do that, I'm just grateful he is exercising with me. Not pretty, but he's doing it and he is getting better.

Hope this helps,

Janie
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Maybe you can wean off of her? Sort of like, well, I don't have time to train with you today because I'm busy so...and then get it where you can go a couple sessions without her and then see if she's really on a mission or not. I'm pretty direct and tough love about these things and when I work out with my friends, I tell them that I need to get my burn on no matter what because I was really sick and tired with myself when *I* was the excuse and I would never want *them* to be the excuse. But if you don't feel comfortable with the tough love route, I would just try to force her out of schedule.
 
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