Friends-Who needs them?

N

NurseLRT

Cathlete
Okay I know we all need friends. I think I need to do some thinking, or maybe I am overreacting. Here is my situation. Maybe I could get some thoughts from everybody to help clear my head.

I am 32, married, have 2 young boys. I come from a working class, middle-class background, my husband does too. We aren't rich by any means. We live in a normal 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. I am fortunate to stay home with our kids, but we don't have a huge amount of disposable income.

When I had my first child I met several people from a group for new mom's called "Lunch With Baby". We have stayed together since then, our kids are now 4. My son is the oldest. Most kids are turning 4, mine will be 5 in September. Anyhow these friends, there are about 12 of us. We do monthly things like play BUNCO, go to "Mom's Night Out" monthly dinners, go to parks during the week with our kids, we sometimes go to field trips like local productions of Disney plays, stuff like that.

Most of these girls are rich. They live in a rich community, drive very expensive cars, some of the husband's are attorney's, a couple of people are millionaires. They all have gorgeous homes, boats. They go on fabulous vacations without their kids. They belong to a really exclusive country club. The membership is like 30 thousand dollars a year. To top off the whole wealthy thing a few of the girls (the richest) are alchoholics. They have a party lifestyle. 3 of the families live on the same street and get together on a nightly basis, they drink, their kids play together, etc. Out of the 12 girls, there are only 2 of us that don't belong to Junior League.

At these Mom's night out dinner's, gossip always comes up. Last night they brought up a couple mom's (not part of our group). They were being catty and discussing their kids, how misbehaved they are, how long they took the bottle, etc. Just a bunch of stupid stuff. I mean, who really cares? I made a comment, "how come nobody likes Jane? What's wrong with her?" One of the girls got pissed and became really quiet.

One friend has a beautiful home on the beachside. She came in and renovated the entire thing. One of the girls that lived on the same street moved away to build a bigger house. They all say that she did this because this one friend came in and made her house better than this particular girl could ever have. Well, the friend with the beautiful house said, "I wouldn't of liked her any different, she didn't have to do that." And I said, "Of course not." I felt like I was in the freakin' twighlight zone.

One of the girls made a dig to me last night, and said "nursing school isn't hard." to our waiter who is attending nursing school. I don't know how she would know, she isn't a nurse and never attended nursing school.

One friend asked me several times to run this 5k with her this weekend. When I saw her last night, I told here I turned in my money. She told me she didn't turn in her money, that she doesn't think she will be able to do it. I mean she literally asked me 5 times. Now she flippantly tells me she isn't going. She was in Mexico last week and didn't send in her money. I told her she could register that morning. It's like she feels no obligation to run it, when she is the one that wanted to do it.

My point is this, I don't feel like I "belong" in this group. They all come from money, etc. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. I only see them a few times a month which is plenty. They don't include my husband and I in any of their couple things that they do. I feel like I am not part of their club.

Part of me wants to leave this group altogether, another part thinks I will regret it because I won't have a social life.

I could go on and on about other reasons why I feel left out. I feel like I am being judged. Should I get rid of these friends or am I being silly?

Thanks,
Lori
 
Hmmm, I don't know. If it were me, I think I'd choose a lacking social life over all of that drama. Honestly, ask yourself what good you're getting out of these friendships. Do you have a real bond, do you trust these ladies and feel comfortable sharing the details of your life with them? Or are you ill at ease and stressed out before, during, and after you spend time with them? (It sounds like you are!) If so, I say dump them. It's not worth the psychic energy drain to maintain such friendships. Maybe spend your time actively looking for other moms who you are more compatible with. I'm not really one to talk, because I almost don't have any true friends IRL for this exact reason. I hate that it's so hard for women to make friends as they get older. I finally got to the point that I was fed up and frustrated with my partying, drinking, friends from high school who didn't see any reason to change their ways even though we're in our 30s and they are raising pre-teens. After several uncomfortable occasions where DH and I would hang out with them (we don't drink or smoke anymore), we realized we were on total opposite ends of the spectrum. We still talk on the phone occasionally, but I don't kill myself to attend her functions when I know I'll be miserable.

Good luck! Go run the 5K by yourself if you have to. I'm doing my 2nd one ever this weekend and looking forward to it.
 
If I wasn't enjoying myself when with this group, then I wouldn't go anymore. Do you feel like it is a waste of your time? Or, do you look forward to hanging out with them?

And, do go run that race, even if it is by yourself.

Joanne
 
Wow! It reminds me of the Stepford Wives.

I don't blame you for not wanting to hang around people like that. I wouldn't either. I don't like being around insensitive, disingenuous, shallow, phony people. That's what they sound like to me.
 
Yeah, I think I have known this. They aren't really my friends. I am scheduled to have Bunco at my house this month. Maybe after that I can slowly but surely start to phase them out. It's kind of sad, who am I going to invite to my kid's birthday parties? I think we may be lonely.

Lori
 
You know, I used to live in a very wealthy town. My daughter got switched around from softball team to softball team before the season started because everyone wanted so-and-so who owns this firm and whoever was doing that million dollar deal on their team. We lived in a subsidised living apartment complex. You can only imagine how they looked at us. We were very forunate to have a strong church family full of blind friends!

I belonged to a gym and made lots of friends there because they were after the same thing I was.... being fit and healthy. I took my kids to the park, they would play with different kids, and I did make friends that way, too. Kids will be friends with anyone, though, have you noticed? There are also libraries that offer activities for all ages. Do activities that you love, and you will make friends. I understand that feeling of lonliness. I am really sorry for it!

You know, I really feel sorry for those girls. People like that aren't even friends with each other. They would turn on each other in a second, and they will probably all end up lonely old hags.
 
Lori,
they are not true friends. True friends don't brag or try to outdo each other. I find a great place to meet new friends is at the ball field. Are any of your kids in baseball, soccer etc???

Met quite a few at work, and church events as well.
 
I hate to be harsh, but I don't think you should keep around anyone who brings in negativity to your life. It's just not worth the stress. Sometimes it takes a long time to find your niche as far as friends go. Sure, it's nice to get out once in a while, but if I had a choice between staying home and hanging out with people I didn't really care for, I'd stay home.

Don't forget you have friends here!
 
You said that most of them are rich. Aren't there one or two women in the group who you can continue a friendship with after leaving the group? Are any of them nice? One or two good friends is all you really need to keep from being lonely.
 
Yes there are a couple that are more down to earth that I can continue a friendship with. Thank you for everybody's comments. We do participate in sports, and my oldest son goes to preschool, so we will have friends-hopefully. :)

I could just kick myself for not realizing this a long time ago. You know, the comment above about them not being friends with anybody is so true. They were gossiping about one woman last night, really bad. She is an intelligent lawyer. They are just probably very jealous of her. I felt like saying, "isn't she supposed to be your friend?" I am not innocent, I gossip too, but it always makes me feel like crap.

When I told them I was going to Washington DC for vacation. They all asked me what for. I wanted to say, "um because it's jam packed with interesting, awe inspiring stuff, it's our nation's capitol, one of the most visited places in the world." Their idea of fun is getting drunk somewhere I guess. I just can't relate.

Lori
 
I had a similar experience at a job a few years back. Didn't have anything to do with money, but a bunch of people at work would sit in the company cafeteria and one woman (my officemate, actually) would basically "hold court," gossiping and making fun of everyone else in the company--making fun of their clothing, hairstyles, personal habits. She even gave folks derogatory nicknames, and the other people sitting at her table went along with it. I ate with that group for the first week I worked there, then never again--ate my lunch in my office alone and took a walk. I was only at that job for a year and a half, but I wound up making some really close friends who I am still in touch with 8 years later, though I moved out of state. Stick to your guns with that crowd of idiots--they are immature and ignorant and deserve each other's company. I'm also guessing that there may be women in the group who agree with you but who are caught up in it or too shy to speak up. You may be able to find *real* friends among the group, but if not, find an activity that is more likely to have people who are worth having as your friends.
 
I think most people on this forum are like that, so I'm not sure if you're going to get the answer you're looking for here. I do agree on doing an activity you enjoy where you meet some new people, maybe take an exercise class or see if your college offers exercise/nutrition courses.
 
>I think most people on this forum are like that, so I'm not
>sure if you're going to get the answer you're looking for
>here.

http://www.phpbbforfree.com/forums/images/smiles/104.gif
Really?http://www.phpbbforfree.com/forums/images/smiles/hahano.gif

Hey now! http://www.phpbbforfree.com/forums/images/smiles/stickpoke.gif

I've been here a long time and it doesn't seem like that to me. I've met quite a few down to earth, genuinely nice people here.http://www.phpbbforfree.com/forums/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

P.S. I thought those emoticons were pretty funny. No offense. TeeHee!!
 
it's a shame that you have been friends with these ladies for 4 years and don't feel that they are genuine.......but you can always make new friends. and your kids will find new ones too.

i have a question......is Junior League a bad thing? i was thinking about joining that organization.....


jes:)
 
I have been to a "get to know us" Junior League meeting. It's not my cup of tea. I think if you have a business, it is great for networking. It's basically a woman's social club that focuses on a charity. Currently our city's JL's focus is domestic violence. It's a lot of pressure in my opinion, most women are wealthy, or want to be.

I have a few true friends. It's just a shame I have wasted so much time worrying about this group. They have their nice points, but I think I am trying to fit into a group I will never belong. The sad thing is this really nice girl I know from another group has been calling me asking me to join their girl's night out dinner's and I decline because I am too busy with these catty women. So I gave her a call tonight and told her I would be happy to join them.

Another note about junior league, if you read The Divine Secret's of the YaYa Sisterhood, the author has a quote in there about "never trust someone from the JuniorLeague", or something like that. That always stuck with me. I never intended to hang out with a bunch of snobs that have no reason to be snobby. Most of them are not personally successful, they are rich because their parents are or their husbands bust their butts working.
 
so, do you have to be rich to be in JL? I just wanted to do some charity work. :(


i guess maybe i should research some more..............


my favorite:*


jes
 
First it is a social club. They do charity stuff too. They put on really swanky Christmas parties, Sweetheart Balls, stuff like that. Junior League has dues, something like 150 dollars a year. Also you have to meet certain requirements like donating your time. You have to wrack up so many hours per month. You also have to donate old clothes and household items regularly to their thrift shop. There are monthly meetings, and when you join you are called a provisional, and you must go to all of the meetings and meet all of these requirements. You don't have to be rich to join, but it is mainly "society", or wannabe society that joins. Junior League used to be an invitation only organization, now it is becoming more open to everybody.

Good charities without all of this time requirement is a mentor program through your counties school system. Once a week, you meet for an hour with a girl that is having difficulty with family, or school, and basically you are just her friend and are a good influence on her. Or other options are The Children's Advocacy Center in your area, the American Red Cross, Big Sister's, etc.

JL is first and foremost a social club. If that's what you are looking for, then it might be good for you.

Lori
 
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