Friend question???

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
I have a quick question and you guys can be totally honest with me.
A friend of mine is going to NY with some other girls in little over a weeks time. I was a little rotted that she didn't invite me b/c she invited the other girl we hang out, 3 of us hang out together. I wouldn't have went anyway b/c if I were going to do something like that I would want to do it with DH. But the fact remains, why didn't she invite me? My other friend told me that she invited her but when she found out who she was going with, she decided not to go.

Today I held baby group at my house and one of the other girls going on the NY trip was here and she kept bringing it up. Finally, one of the other mothers piped up and said "how come your not going" I said, " I wasn't invited" Im certainly not going to invite myself to go somewhere! She said "do you want to come? Its not like that, whoever wants to go can go" I said, "not now that you are leaving in like 5 days...."
Im wondering if she is going to mention this to my friend...who considers us "good friends" Then what do I say? Do I tell her how I truly feel? Or am I just being a big baby? This isn't the first time she as done this. She had a huge girls night a few monthes ago but didn't invite myself or the other friend and our other friend called her on it. I had a few other girls invite me but not once did she call either of us. She also lies alot so Im pretty sure if she brings it up she will have a good explanation why she invited one friend and not myself.
DH says he can see where Im coming from but Im wondering if he just isn't agreeing with me to stay on my good side;)

Lori:)
 
She sounds kinda phony to me. She considers you good friends but doesn't seem to invite you anywhere.........

I'm a firm believer in being open w/the people you care about. I think if she asks, you should just lay it all out there, otherwise it'll just fester & you'll resent her more & more over time. Telling her your feelings will be cleansing & you'll feel better. Also I think you'll learn whether you're truly good friends or not.........
 
I don't think you're being a baby. Honestly, this friend doesn't sound like she's being much of a "friend" to you. If anything, it sounds as if she's trying to push you out.

That said, there's always more to the story. Who knows what is motivating her actions. I think it wouldn't hurt to ask. Maybe it's all a big misunderstanding. If, however, she hands you some line you know is complete BS, then you'll know she isn't interested in being a true friend to you, and you can move on.
 
i am guessing that since you mentioned baby group that means you have at least one child? if so, does she have children? if she does not, that could be the reasoning behind it? when my friends started having children and i did not (and will not), our dymanics of our friendships started to change, and we drifted apart a bit.

if she is supposed to be a good friend, you are not being a baby to be hurt that she didn't at least ask you also. but if she lies alot, she may not be the type of person you want as a friend anyway.
 
We all have kids. The last ones were born in the same yr so they are only monthes apart.
We also own a business together. Or I should say, our husbands own it and my DH and my "friend" work there, while I work some where else and her DH also owns another business.
The odd thing was, she came to work the other day telling DH how she missed hanging out with me and that its just as much her fault , as it is mine that we don't talk that much anymore.Shortly after that she calls to ask for a loan of something.
I wouldn't feel so left out if the other friend wasn't invited either, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
 
if you miss her, you should have a conversation with her about it, and be really honest with her. the longer it festers, the harder it is to broach the subject and it can get really weird. (i have been in this situation)

just talk to her and see how she reacts. if you dont like her reaction or dont get satisfaction in her explanation, at least you can walk away konwing you made the effort..
 
But Im not the conflict type of girl...but on the other hand I don't want this to eat me up.I thought about emailing her but thought that that might be the coward way out of it and then I just end up feeling weird the next time I see her. I don't know what to do. She also knows we were ticked about not inviting us out a few monthes back but she never brought it up.
 
You need new friends. You aren't trapped and there are better people to spend your valuable time with.

Here's my story: I used to work with a lady (I'll call her The Control Freak, or CF) I (thought) I was good buddies with. She was very popular, always smiling and happy... but when it was just she and me she ripped on everyone and everything. Once, we were walking along and she was angrily ripping on a male co-worker and, just as we turned a corner we bumped into him. Just like flipping a switch she lit up all bright and sweet and asked him how he was, etc. I thought to myself 'Oh my God, she's NUTS.' But, because she was real good at making everyone believe she was a sweetie (she was constantly bringing in home-baked goodies so everyone praised her sweetness and generosity... how to win friends and influence people...). Because of my rank at work (she was behind me by about four months) I couldn't go anywhere so I just had to endure. A new girl joined the unit and CF immediately started griping about how the new girl wouldn't let her teach her how to do the job and started with the name-calling. Next thing I knew those two were best friends and I was being froze out. Whatever. I was just biding my time till I could get away from the craziness. Then the new girl's best friend joined the unit (HER I liked) and they were like a trio, though the newest girl at least had a mind of her own. Still, until the first new girl joined the unit I never got the feeling CF resented me. One night it all came out that she thought I made fun of her lack of education. I never thought she was uneducated, never made fun of her, and had no idea how she got there. She was, evidently, insecure about her level of education (I have an art degree, big deal...) and was projecting her insecurity onto me. Totally blew my mind. But because she was so well-liked (on a superficial level, I now see) and because, for whatever reason, she only played with MY head, I felt I had nobody else to vent to. I tried, with a few mutual acquaintances but often got "Hmm. I don't see it..." One of the women I vented to had been a friend for a long time so it hurt that she couldn't see what CF was trying to do to me. Finally, one day, the three of us bumped into each other walking into work. I don't remember what the topic was that I brought up but CF looked at our mutual friend and in a conspiratorial tone said "WE'VE been talking about that, haven't we?" I thought my longtime-friend looked confused... But the point CF was trying to make was that I was not included in THEIR FRIENDSHIP. I guess this was supposed to make ME feel insecure but all I felt was crazy, because I couldn't believe nobody could see what she was doing. When I got into the locker room, however, my longtime-friend came up and said "I have no Idea what she (CF) was talking about..." I asked "What the H*ll was that all about?" She said "All I know is we HAVE NOT been talking about it." I said "See?" She said "I see it now... She's trying to screw with you..." It was just such a relief that someone besides me finally saw what was going on. I just needed to know I wasn't crazy or imagining she was trying to alienate me from everyone we knew. I have no idea what she'd been saying about me behind my back but she was very clever and careful, just planting seeds of doubt about me while bringing in cakes and smiling sweetly to everyone (how could a person LIKE THAT be the devil?). I always felt that the fact that nobody in her entire family (not siblings, parent, or grown children) associated with her was very telling but in her stories about her family SHE was always the victim and she never knew why.... So, one week I went on vacation and while I was on my vacation CF and 3 co-workers (one a friend of mine) decided to take a trip to Florida and stay in CFs time-share. The whole thing was CFs idea and it was pretty plain to me that I was meant to be hurt at being excluded (no way would I have gone if invited, though). However, a fourth really irritating co-worker got upset about not being asked and was invited after she pouted and carried on so much they had no choice but to include her. Much as the original ladies tried to act like the trip was fun fun fun the stories about how miserable the fourth co-worker made everyone started to come out and I was laughing right along with everyone else. The Disney World magnet with my name on it that CF brought back for me (a gift. wow.) was meant to really hurt me but, in light of how miserable the trip wound up being, it was a hollow gesture at best. I stuck that sucker up on the outside of my locker where It stayed for 2 years. Touche. As soon as I was free to leave the unit I moved on so fast it left their heads spinning. I cut all ties and made a vow to never put up with a controlling co-worker again, and I haven't. Then I made a major career move that resulted in a much better job within the company and, with overtime, I made A LOT more money, which drove CF crazy, so SHE followed ME. That was funny because she had been telling everyone I was HER sidekick and that I couldn't make a move on my own, without her. But, due to staffing issues, she wound up in the absolute worst job and could barely get in a 40 hour work week. On top of everything, she alienated everyone with her nastiness. Did I mention she stopped baking cakes?! She eventually went back to whence she came and I rarely exchange more than pleasantries with her when we meet. The best thing is this: She's pretty much regarded as a nut by everyone now which is proof that it's often best to just let it ride when someone has you in their cross hairs. Eventually, everyone figures out what's what and YOU figure out who your real friends are. Unless you're trapped like I was, get away from those women. There's a lot of manipulation going on and you don't need it.
 
gidget1978 said:
I wouldn't have went anyway b/c if I were going to do something like that I would want to do it with DH. But the fact remains, why didn't she invite me?
Lori:)
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Is it possible that she knew you wouldn't have gone anyway and therefore did not ask you?

If not, then I would just be honest with her about your feelings of being left out.

JJ
 
She may have thought I couldn't afford it, or that I couldn't get the time off of work, or that I just wouldn't go. It never hurts to ask. The other friend that she invited is in the same situation as myself. 2 kids, shift work...etc...there is no reason to not invite one but invite the other.
 
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Sirensongwomen...that was a long story:p Thanks for sharing. The first part of your story sounded very familiar. I cut ties with my friend a couple of yrs ago (prehaps more) b/c she talked about EVERYONE. But when she was around them she was sooo sweet to them. Even if we went shopping and she saw someone she knew, she would chat away to them but as we would walk away from them, she would be rolling her eyes. She eventually started calling me again and shortly after that was when our husbands got into business together.
Perhaps she wanted to hurt me by not inviting me or maybe she didn't even think about inviting me. But I know that if it gets brought up she will have some kind of story about how the other friend got invited...when I KNOW that she picked up the phone and called her.

Lori:)
 
Lori - Maybe you are one of those poor people she rolls her eyes at when you walk away? People like that are so fake, you never know where you really stand with them. Doesn't sound like someone you would want to spend time with anyways.
 
Hey there Lori ! I'm highjacking for a minute to see how your running is going? Miss you on the X check-in !

I have had some very similar problems at work and am pretty much regarded as a "don't invite her" kinda person. It is fine with me - all the peeps at my office want to be best friends and hang together. I like being with DH more. :D

I say if it is bugging you enough then you should ask her. If she is a "fake" then you'll know not to spend any more time fretting about the why.

And how's DD doing these days?
 
gidget1978 said:
Sirensongwomen...that was a long story:p Thanks for sharing. The first part of your story sounded very familiar. I cut ties with my friend a couple of yrs ago (prehaps more) b/c she talked about EVERYONE. But when she was around them she was sooo sweet to them. Even if we went shopping and she saw someone she knew, she would chat away to them but as we would walk away from them, she would be rolling her eyes. She eventually started calling me again and shortly after that was when our husbands got into business together.
Perhaps she wanted to hurt me by not inviting me or maybe she didn't even think about inviting me. But I know that if it gets brought up she will have some kind of story about how the other friend got invited...when I KNOW that she picked up the phone and called her.

Lori:)
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I'm sorry I go off on tangents. When I saw how long my post was I cringed. I really need to work on my editing but now you know why I'm not a writer. It's WORK!
 
Personally, I wouldn't want to be a friend with anybody who lies. When someone lies, you'll never be able to trust them. Condsider yourself lucky that you don't have to spend time with a liar.
 
Sometimes you have to know when to cut the ties..this gal doesn't sound very nice.

Too much drama with the females, I actually have more male friends...I love my girls, but hate the competition and stupid crap that happens with female friends...in my opinion, you are lucky if you have one really good "soul mate" friend...she feels like a sister or something, someone who is totally honest with you but gentle and kind...loves you through it all, PMS, divorces, weight gain, weight loss, financial ruin, financial gain...someone who makes you feel like "home" when you are around them...you feel like a better version of yourself when you are with this person...does this woman make you feel like that?
 
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Wanted to come back and say that I am lucky enough to have a group of friends that love me through all the aforementioned things and more. They know who they are, and boy, we may not see each other...but I love you all so much.
 
tneah said:
Sometimes you have to know when to cut the ties..this gal doesn't sound very nice.

Too much drama with the females, I actually have more male friends...I love my girls, but hate the competition and stupid crap that happens with female friends...in my opinion, you are lucky if you have one really good "soul mate" friend...she feels like a sister or something, someone who is totally honest with you but gentle and kind...loves you through it all, PMS, divorces, weight gain, weight loss, financial ruin, financial gain...someone who makes you feel like "home" when you are around them...you feel like a better version of yourself when you are with this person...does this woman make you feel like that?
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I TOTALLY agree with this. Women can be very catty. I do have female friends who i love but i also have a lot of male friends. The female friends i do have, have been there through thick and thin and are exactly as described above. I cannot be bothered with the drama queens and backstabbers. With guys, these issues don't come up. I really think a lot of times women get jealous or have low self esteem and take it out on other women. Especially if they perceive another woman to be more pretty, rich, happy, has a better husband...

I think you should tell her how you feel. Who knows if she'll actually tell you the real reason she didn't invite you? At least she will know how you feel. Maybe there is a good reason she did not invite you but from what you said it sounds like she excluded you deliberately. If you all belong to a group of friends and everyone else is going she could have at least extended the invitation even if she thought you would not go for whatever reason. You do not have to be confrontational but you should let her know that your feelings were hurt.
 
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