Feeling Fat and Friendless :(

R

Reese777

Cathlete
Hi,

At the risk of sounding pathetic, I'm writing in the hopes of securing some "pick me ups" because I could surely use a few right now.

I'm no stranger to working out - I was in the Army for four years and I've been running regularly and exercising for years now. I'm 5'10" and at this moment, I weigh approximately 152 (this will probably fluctuate greatly over the course of this week, as my "moon" is full - if you know what I mean...). The reason I'm feeling miserable is that I went to my Mom's today to have her hem some new pants - I typically wear a 10, but lately my 10's have gotten snug. I don't know how to explain it but my diet has really been suffering lately. I'm 38 and it seems like in the past 6 months I've just taken to stuffing myself with junk food. (I finished my Master's degree in August 06 and had been in school since 2001, so I don't know if my stuffing is a reaction to finally being free from the books???)

Anyway, although I have been stuffing, I've managed to stay pretty close to my average weight, but when i went to Mom's, a pair of pants I was going to have her hem were 12's - not my normal size. They were NOT too tight. I'm level headed enough to know this. My Mom is really hung up on body images (and has passed these twisted body issues down to her three kids) and she made a really casual yet cruel comment about the fit of the pants. She basically said I shouldn't wear them because they're too tight.

I'm not in denial - these pants are loose enough for me to slide both arms into...they have an inch of fabric on each side of my hips...I thought she might even have to take the sides in they are so loose...I could not believe it when she said that to me. She's taken jabs like this at me my entire life. So now I'm angry at her for being cruel, angry that I can never be good enough for her to love me for who I am the way I am right now, and REALLY angry at myself for going to her to do my @#%$ alterations to begin with because a professional would keep her judgments to herself. (And yes, I AM hormonal right now, but my mother is a cruel woman, I'm not exaggerating this...she's a passive aggressive at it's best.)

So, whining aside, I could really use some diet tips in relation to how you guys are packing healthy lunches. I think I have a grip on what to eat, but there's a disconnect in how to plan for what to pack. I find myself going to work and trying to piece stuff together from my (LOUSY) work cafeteria. It doesn't work well at all.

I have several of Cathe's tapes, but I've not mastered any of the step routines...not too coordinated and I have plantar issues...worried I'd break a limb or something, so for cardio I typically run on the treadmill or at a hilly local park...I do have several weight workouts of Cathe's though, which I love, howEVER - Ive seriously gotten out of the routine. And now - ESPECIALLY after today - I'm feeling like a total slug...(a gigantic one...that should audition for the next Men in Black movie or something...<<sigh>>);( Recommendations in the area of getting back into a steady routine would be welcomed with open arms.

So gals..if anyone has a tip from above or can find the time to send me some encouragement and/or inspiration, I will be most grateful. I'm just having a rough time dealing with my Mom's comments and my own self loathing!!!

Reese :(
 
Hi, number one I think you need to treat yourself to something nice. Family members can sometimes say things without intending them to come out that way. Sometimes they can see their views only and try to project them on us.
You can't knock yourself because you feel that you were wrong to eat junk food. We all slip occasionally then just try to keep with our goals. You had a wonderful accomplishment by obtaining your masters degree, you should be proud of yourself for that.
Don't pay attention to when you think that you should look a certain way or absolutely have to weigh a certain amount. It doesn't sound to me like you have a problem, being 5'10" and weighing 152 lbs. Have you ever had your body mass index tested?
I don't know if you agree but what helped me the most was getting into the habit of loving to work out. This helped me deal with stress from my sister passing away from cancer when she was 42. The benefits came by not overdoing it but challenging myself and changing my routine. Both my mom and sister passed away from different types of cancer within 10 years apart. I realized that life is too short and I wish that I could have the moments back with them even though they sometimes said things that hurt my feelings without intending to.
 
Your BMI is 22. Not overweight. I think you need to get back into the weights more regularily. That will tone you up and you will feel much better. Your 10's will start to feel better, and you probably will drop down to 8's without even losing a pound. Plus you will just look better.

I don't know how to help with the Mother issues. There is no way at your height and weight you are overweight. Perhaps not as toned because of the lack of resistance training, but not overweight.
 
Ok - enough of the pity party, and time to take the bull by the horns. Your life, moods, the scales, the way your pants fit, etc, is not controlled by your mother so here's my suggestions.

You said: "I don't know how to explain it but my diet has really been suffering lately. I'm 38 and it seems like in the past 6 months I've just taken to stuffing myself with junk food." You explained it very well - you've been eating too much of the wrong stuff. Get rid of your trigger foods, and get thee to the Calorie King site:
www.calorieking.com which has all the info you need to get your eating in gear. Plan your eating and your workout schedules and get back some of that army thinking. You know how to get in shape because you were when you were in the army.

As for your mother, stand up to her and tell her that you don't appreciate her remarks, and that she should stop and think how she would feel if you would say the same things to her. If you want her opinons you'll ask for them. Tell her that. Then, find a taylor or alterations shop to do your sewing from now on, or learn to do it yourself. You're an adult, and deserve to be treated like one. Also old enough for you to start thinking like one.

So get to work!
 
Hugs to you for battling the body image thing... I think many of us have dealt with/still deal with that issue in some way. Lots of great advice already given....

On the cardio- Have you tried Kickboxing to shake things up? Also a GREAT arm * ab toner!! Cathe, Kimberly Spreen are my two favorite current Kickboxing instructors.

On Strength: Definitely do regularly- whatever way you like- Full Body, Splits - just do it regularly!

On eating: Take a deep breathe! Its one meal at a time for sure! Tosca Reno's Clean Eating book is an EXCELLENT way to get headed in the right direction. You dont have to shift 100% just take it one habit at a time.

Finally- CONGRATS on all you have accomplished!!! Personally when I 'm in high gear career wise I tend to eat less clean... Give yourself a pat on the back ..... As for your mom- many many many of us have "parent" issues. I know I cant change mine but I have changed how I react to her. The old saying... Noone can make you feel worthless unless you allow them to. Easier said than done but its really true.

Best of luck!
 
I agree that, at 5'10 and 152 lbs., it doesn't sound as though you are overweight at all...It sounds like there might be more going on, but in this particular instance, I think the problem is that you are giving too much power to one person's words. So, your mom made one of her comments - it sounds like it has been this way for 38 years and is not going to change. So you most definitely should take your pants elsewhere for alterations and when you are around mom, you have to learn to let the comments roll and even laugh at them. Remember that anytime a person belittles or knocks others down, it is a reflection of their *own* weakness and insecurities. One nasty jab shouldn't *destroy* you or make you feel worthless. You have to be stronger than that.

In terms of packing lunches, there's no real mystery there. Avoid buying at the cafeteria; go grocery shopping and stock up. I usually pack a sandwich and a snack or two - things like fruit, yogurt, a fig bar, string cheese, pretzels. Soups and salads are good, too. Some folks I work with like the Lean Cuisine or SmartOnes. Make sure you wake up early enough, or pack it the night before. If you have a fridge at work, keep a SmartOne in there just in case you forget your lunch.

Same for exercise. It is a matter of making up your mind to do it and then doing it. Who says you gotta do step? Personally, I don't like it and don't do it often. I'm also not the world's most coordinated. But that's OK. I prefer running and kickboxing. Do what you enjoy and what works for you. Commit to a Cathe rotation and consider joining one of the check-ins here to help you stick to it.

The bottom line is that you have to be strong and motivated from within. Whatever is not working for you in your life right now, you have to believe that YOU have the power to change it. It is the absolute truth. You can choose to be unhappy with a particular situation or you can DO something about it.

Be strong & good luck!
Cathy :)

"I always loved running...You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs."
-Jesse Owens
 
Traci, I was in the middle of typing my response when you posted yours, and this is exactly the angle I was coming from! SO true.

The old saying...
>Noone can make you feel worthless unless you allow them to.
>Easier said than done but its really true.
>
>
 
Awwww Reese! I can "feel" your hurt! You know you have LOTS of friends here. I'm sorry you're feeling down. You have been given great advice. I also think that your numbers are just fine...you just need to get into a regular program, which on it's own, will make you feel much better. I agree with finding a rotation. If it calls for a step routine or workout that you don't have or like to do, sub in your own form of cardio. Wishing you a HAPPY 4th. and hopping your weekend is filled with some fun and WORKOUTS! :7


http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709


Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
 
hi reese i am totally with cakebaker on this deal. also doesyour mom have a problem with a size 12??i am a size twelve and you can see from my picturetrail i am not ashamed i am healthy and strong. that little loose belly i have is from giving birth to a beautiful child and enduring a hard surgery. its my battle scare and there certainly isn't anything wrong with it and i am sure there is nothing wrong with you either.

i fall off the wagon and binge on junk myself, i get back up down a ton of water and get to work. sometimes keeping a food journal helps me get back on track. i dont' count calories or anything but i make sure almost more then half my plate has yummy veggies whether be salad,steamed or fresh or heck all three. by the time i get to fit my piece of meat/chicken/fish on there, i don't have room for anything but 1/2 cup of rice. so i know i don't overdo on things that could make me bloat up.

for exercise do some walking,cycling, or dancing. anythhing that is not to high impact that could upset your injuries. also get down tot he weight training. the best proven to help you burn more calories at rest b/c you are building active lean muscle tissue. can't get to athe weight room, at least have some bands/tubes nearby. they were my lifesavers for traveling and they also fit well into my resistance routines(as you can tell from cathe's workouts, they are handing little do-dads).

next you just have to do it and leave everybody in the dust. my MIL is like that but she can't say much about weight gain now b/c i would put her in a headlock LOL!!! j/k really there isn't to much one can say about being strong and lifting.

good luck
kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

http://images.meez.com/user03/06/01/04/060104_10010099873.gif
 
Hi Reese, first ((((((hugs)))))) for how you're feeling right now about your body image and your mom. It sounds like your mom knows how to push your buttons so it's up to you to change your response. Like others have said, you can't control her, just your reaction. Maybe she's feeling insecure because of your enormous education accomplishments so she feels she has to take you down a peg. Maybe she's envious of your independence, youth and courage and wishes she could turn back her own clock. That's her problem, don't make it yours.

Re: nutrition. Easy switches: add more vegetables and water immediately to every meal. Just an example: for lunches, I make sandwiches w/ 3 oz. low sodium turkey or ham, 1/2 oz. cheese, some dijonnaise and a HUGE handful of salad greens, on some low calorie, whole grain/ flax pita bread. The whole sandwich comes in well under 250 calories and it keeps me satisfied. Add some carrots, sugar snap peas, or cherry tomatoes, an apple/peach/nectarine and some water and you feel great! Not hungry 45 minutes later. I also allow myself a little cheat each day (1 sq. dark chocolate or a fudgicle) so I don't go binge crazy. As you can guess from my signature, I have "issues" with chocolate...

Re: working out. Tell yourself that you'll do 30 minutes of something active each day. Make it a daily habit and then you can take it from there. There's lots of VERY smart people in this forum who can help you create a fantastic workout program once you're in the habit of exercising. Reward yourself in little ways for each step. Buy a new shower gel, download a really motivating, feel good song, get a manicure, a workout dvd, a pedometer, whatever appeals to you that's not food related.

Finally, you may be feeling particularly low because of how you've been eating. Junk food really affects your moods, energy and initiative. I saw "Supersize Me" and it was such an eye opener.

Good luck Reese!

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
{{{{{Reese}}}}} I really don't have anything to add to the advice you've already been given. I just wanted to give you a hug for moral support -- and I'm know what you mean about those pesky step workouts;)
 
Hey Reese,

I also don't have anything to add to the great advice you've already gotten but I do want to say CONGRATULATIONS on getting your masters,thats a great accomplishment! High fives to ya! And good Luck!
 
Reese, your Mom should meet my Mom. My Mom doesn't actually make "negative" comments. She's too smart for that. She'll say stuff like "Oh, I see you've had a haircut. Your hair looks MUCH BETTER this way". As if my last haircut was some kind of disaster, even though it was by the same (very talented, very expensive) hair stylist. x(

Here's what I do to ease my pain over my Mom: I think of my favorite TV shows. Have you ever watched Friends? There are some very funny episodes with Monica and her parents, especially her mother, finding fault with EVERYTHING she does. The funniest one is when Monica finally convinces her brother Ross to tell their parents about how his life isn't perfect. He tells them his marriage failed because his wife is a lesbian, he lost his job, etc. and Mom turns to Monica and says "you KNEW about this"? It's all back to Monica again. It gives me perspective so I can laugh at how ridiculous my Mom is.

The same is true on Will & Grace. There's one episode where Grace gets ready for a visit with her mother by pretending she's donned Wonder Woman gear and is wearing mother-proof bracelets so she can deflect her mother's insults.

Long story short, you're not the only one with a mother whose primary hobby is criticizing you. And ask yourself this: does anyone else find you defective, or just her? So it's her issue, not yours. Take a step back and see how funny it really is. Or send me a PM and we can laugh together. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. :7

Congratulations on your master's degree!! :D :D That's a major accomplishment and you should feel very proud of yourself.
 
I'm replying to myself because I just wanted to mention that you sound like me in that when you're feeling well emotionally, your eating, weight, etc. fall into line naturally, and you enjoy exercising and you know how to eat well. It sounds like you're going thru some kind of emotional rough patch right now. Therefore, I would NOT try getting stricter with yourself at this time, or spending too much time thinking about the superficial stuff. I would concentrate on figuring out what's going on emotionally. Once you have that worked out, it sounds like things will fall into line again naturally. Also, has several here have mentioned, you're at a perfectly healthy weight now. Believe me, we all go through rough times. What you need is some serious "me" time. ;)
Let us know how you're doing.
 
Well, I can relate! Having a mom like that is tough. Although my mom would never admit this, Your ENTIRE self worth in this world is dependent on your size! It doesn't matter if you are the first US president, discovered a cure for cancer, or won the Nobel Peace Prize - if your hips-or whatever-are too large in her eyes, you are a failure.

It has been difficult for me since my mom moved closer to me(health problems) and her husband died. She is relient on me for company, and I know she is getting up there in years, but she drives me crazy. I drew the line when she started making comments to my daughters. One time when dd was about 8 and her hair was turning darker, she kept saying "Geesh its just such a shame your hair is turning darker and didn't stay blonde. Oh well, when you get a little older we can get you some highlights". She said this again, and I told her NEVER to say it again. Another time several years ago we were watching the olympics and a woman broke some record by an incredible amount. I said something in amazement about it. She said her legs were too muscular. So I can relate. UGH. Just keep telling yourself SHE is the one with a problem.

I would suggest getting some books with a health vs diet focus. You said you are 38, so eating healthy should start being a priority. Someone mentioned Tosca's book, I also like YOU an Owner's Manual and some of Dr. Fuhrman's books even though I am not a vegetarian. He emphasizes consuming a lot of F/V. Find some other way to measure progress. I am trying to get and keep my blood pressure down. So I am focused on that. Maybe your F/V consumption or something?

Good luck. You should feel great about yourself. Getting a Master's is a wonderful accomplishment!:) Marnie
 
Ok I read your post again. I had a lot of problems with PF and still do if I'm not careful. The best thing I did was purchase a revmaster spin bike and get some spinervals. Lots of calorie burn - no impact. A lot of people like Cardio Coach and the itrains as well as Coach Troy. I would look into getting a piece of equipment to give your foot a break. Look at dogs2birds picture trail to see what working on the elliptical did for her backside. Wow!
 
Hey Reese,

My mom was the exact same way my whole life, which is why I wrote a "clean my side of the street and be done with it" letter, you do not have to send it, but it helps get all that stuff out.
I have not seen her in over 7 years, but that is okay. True family does not always mean "blood related".:)

I still deal with those old issues of "my legs are short and squaty", or I have such bad hair", etc...but only briefly now. Working out has saved my from those demons! Seriously, up your weights for sure, they will make a huge difference in how you look.
Your weight is fine, but stop thinking about the scale, and pick up the weights. Up your protein and veggie intake, start skipping some of your normal "treats" and reach for an apple instead. Little changes equal big results.:D

You will find that weight training will reshape everything, plus you may not lose a pound-but you will find yourself getting "more compact" and tighter. I weigh between 148-150 pounds, I am 5'7 and wear 6's and 4's, so as you can see, my bodyfat is pretty good and I have alot of muscle happening-see how weight does not matter?

I know, easier said than done, I get hung up on numbers too at times, but at the end of the day, go with how your clothes fit.:)

Can I ask you to join our Clean and Tidy forum in the challenges and checkins?
 
Hi Reese,

I had a very mean mother as well. She is now deceased, but she was always belittling me. Not about my weight, but in other areas of my life.

A size 12 is NOT large for a tall woman. In fact, 152 sounds like a good weight for your height.

I have plantar issues as well. My doctor gave me a handout for Plantar relief. I do the exercises before working out, after working out, and when I get up morning.

I know it's hard not to beat yourself up over your problems, and they are very real problems if they affect you.
 
Reese - more support for you! I'm also 5'10 and while I enjoy being tall, when I feel tall and fat - then I just feel like a big ugly woman, which is never good. My mom also made comments like that. You're not going to change her. You can only change your reactions to her words.

I think you've been given some wonderful suggestions. There are a ton of websites with nice healthy lunch ideas. Try www.sparkpeople.com - they have wonderful ideas.

I'm thinking of you and I hope you realize that you are a gorgeous woman!
 
Hi there

You have already received a lot of wonderful advice and {{{{{hugs}}}}} but I also wanted to put in my 2 cents.

As far as lunch goes.......I pack 2 veges and 2 fruits along with a lean cuisine or a tuna or turkey sandwich along and a string cheese. That's a lot of food with a reasonable amount of calories. I also don't get that "after lunch lull" b/c of the healthy content of my lunch. Since I can only have what I pack at lunch, I'm forced to eat healthy since I don't have a cafeteria to go to. I also make sure I eat breakfast...not a big breakfast since I'm not really a breakfast eater, but I usually have a small bowl of oatmeal or cheerios, a piece of fruit, and coffee (my crutch). This gives me some leeway with dinner and snacks. Getting 5 servings of veges and 3-4 fruits per day really kicks up the energy levels! :)

Also, come up with a plan for working out. Decide how long you want to w/o and how many days per week, along with exactly which w/o you are going to do. The more specific your workout plan, the more likely you will be to follow it. Also, drink lots of water with your workouts too.

And lastly, try to focus on the positives in life. Your mom may not be perfect, but she does have her positives right? Focus on those and try to dismiss the other stuff. I know.....easier said than done. You can't control what your mom does or says, but you can control how you react to it. If she knows she can't get under your skin, maybe she'll stop trying. Take a moment to be grateful for what you have and that will help get you out of the dumps. Think about your healthy family, your comfy house, your adorable pets, your healthy body, your great friends, etc. There - now don't you feel better?? :)

I hope this helps and just remember all the supportive people here that will help you thru. ;-)

Angie
 
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