family woes for the holidays!

delfin

delfin

Cathlete
I know everyone is in new-DVDs mode... but thought I'd ask for some advice from those who want to get their mind off of when they're getting their shipment. Here goes: my father and my DH are... estranged, not talking, it's a very distressing situation for me, but I stand by my DH (long story). My mom has announced that she wants to have the whole family over for Xmas. Well, my DH has stated that there's no way he's going to ruin his holiday by spending it w/my father. I feel so conflicted. I don't want to disappoint my mother (even tho I feel she helped create the unpleasant situation with my DH and my father). And I don't want to spend the holiday w/o my DH, and neither do my kids. So I've basically been in avoidance/denial behavior, burying myself in everything else but facing up to this dilemma. Any thoughts here?x(
 
Delfin,

So sorry to hear you are going through this, especially over the holidays. <<hugs>>. FWIW, my first thought is that if it were me I'd stay with my DH for the day, as I consider him my primary concern and loyalty is to him. And, as much as I too would not want to disappoint my mom, I'd also have to wonder why she would plan a family event knowing that two people are on the outs.

Not much help, I know. Sorry! I hope it all works out.

Sparrow


My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
Is there any way possible that your husband and father could get back
on speaking terms? I know this would mean one of them would have to
swallow his pride and tell the other that it's time for a reconciliation, even if they still choose to disagree on the original
issue. It seems that your current situation isn't healthy for you,
your husband, dad, and kids (especially the kids, in my opinion). I
have a friend who is going through this with her in laws, and the
children are so torn and confused about why Grandma and Grandpa don't
"like" their mom. Both she and her in laws refuse to give in and
be warm to each other, and no one is very happy, IMO. It is also
taking a toll on her marriage. I hope this situation gets resolved
for you all. Keep us updated. Good luck.
 
Check with your mom... 1: Did she run the invite by your dad and his response was positive... IE: I'm ready to move forward for my daughter.... OR 2: is she just "hoping" all will be well once you & DH arrive???? BIG DIFFERENCE!!
Obviously if its the first one talk to DH again and let him know details... If its # 2.... I agree that ou must stick by your DH.
I'm so sorry there is conflict....family stuff is awful and holidays either cure or compound! {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
 
I agree with the poster who said that DH and Dad need to make ammends...or atleast learn to be in the same room together and be civil. They are adults and should really start acting like it. They need to do it for the kids if nothing else. Sorry, if that sounds harsh. I'm not trying to be mean. That's just how I feel...since you asked. :)
 
I wish they would at least talk... especially for my kids' sakes (who have NO relationship with my father, since he's never been a "kid-friendly" person, and especially now with this over-a-year-long situation). But the last time I tried to have everyone up (for a birthday celebration), my dad refused to come. As my mom says, "he won't set foot in your house now!" Can I please jump into a time machine and fast-forward to after the holidays??? Meanwhile, my DD was watching "Xmas with the Kranks", and tells me she so wants a Xmas just like that... laughing, jolly, lots of family and friends, etc. Sigh.
 
Would it be possible to celebrate the holidays on "neutral ground" somehow. For example, could a relative other than you or your mother host the grand celebration? Maybe your DF and DH would be more likely to show up at the same event if it wasn't at one or the other's home.

???
Shari
 
If your father doesn't get along with your husband or your kids then why would you even consider spending Christmas with him? Why would your mother try to set up a reunion, especially at Christmas when stress and anxiety can be at it's highest?

I think a frank discussion with your mom is in order, why is she setting up a family reunion? Is your dad going to make peace with his family? Is there a medical reason driving the issue?

My wife was the first of her siblings to get married, I was the second in my family. We were the first of our siblings to have children. We only celebrated Christmas in OUR home. We would visit our extended families, but the big holidays were in our home.

Other people were always welcome in our home over the holidays, during my military service years we filled our home with shipmates that couldn't make it home.

My feel on the matter is Christmas is spent with YOUR family ie: your husband and children. If you were told that there was a medical issue or this was going to be someone's last holiday that might change things.

just my $.02, your mileage may vary

dave
 
I guess I would call your Mom and tell her that your DH won't go just like your DF wouldn't come to your house for the birthday celebration. Your mother must be aware of that possibility. If this invitation isn't with your DF's knowledge or agreement, I wouldn't even consider going. It's unfortunate for the children, but it won't be good for them to be at a celebration where people aren't speaking and are hostile to each other, either. I hope this can be resolved amicably, but staying home with your immediate family seems the best solution until things are resolved.
 
I hope this isn't too rude but what happened between the two of them. I am sorry you have to go through it - It would really be difficult. As much as you love your parents (and until this gets resolved) I think you should stand by your man. Good luck. I hope it all works out for the best.
 
Honestly? I would spend my holiday with my immediate family. I could not even think of having a holiday without my DH and it would not be fair to the kids or him (how would YOU feel if he were considering doing this if the shoe were on the other foot?). I would simply tell mom that until dad and DH are able to work out their differences, holidays will have to be spent at home. Who knows, maybe it will help resolve the problem if you put your foot down.
 
I have to say that I agree with everyone else... DH is first and more important. I really hope that they can work it out :) ((((((((HUGS))))))))

Missy
 
Sounds like my family drama! Last Thanksgiving turned into a nightmare and I found out just how dysfunctional my parents are. Although I'm to a point of politeness - as long as they know where I stand - DH would just as soon get a Brazilian than attend a family function. When I have to make the choice, I side with DH because they were in the wrong and will likely never change. My mother keeps having get-togethers because it makes it seem like there's nothing wrong. She can live with herself better if everyone pretends nothing's wrong.

In my opinion, if things are uncomfortable for your parents, these are the consequences of their actions. These are lessons we're taught as kids, but they don't seem to apply to our parents! Hugs and good luck to you!:)
 
I think my DH would rather get a brazilian than attend a function, too! Any before we even get to Xmas, we're all going to be together at my grandmother's 96th bday party... but it's at a restaurant, not at their house, and it's not everyday that you turn 96, so my DH is going freely.

My mother is the same way... she just pretends that everything's okay... or tells me that I need to talk to my father because he's so hurt that I've sided with DH. When I tell her that I sided with DH because my father was basically being a jerk, she can't deal with it.
 
I think it was that finally my DH said "enough." My father has a history of pushing people's buttons, forcing his will on people, basically behaving disrepectfully. My mother used to call me all the times in tears because of his behavior towards her. But now that my DH finally said, "I've had it", it's like she's against my DH because he upset the apple cart... she just wanted the status quo, even if it made her miserable sometimes, and my DH wasn't having any of it.

Meanwhile, I had a heart-to-heart with my mom about a year ago, asking her why she puts up with my father.... why she just doesn't say "enough" and call it quits. Her response? "I just can't be without money at this point in my life." Pretty net, huh?
 
This sounds similar to my family situation. My dad has passed away so it is not him who treats my DH (and everyone else) like crap, but my oldest brother. It's been awhile now, but we no longer get together at extended family functions with my relatives. I would not dream of putting *anyone* (except DS and DD maybe) before my DH and *especially* someone who treats him poorly. My DH has not said but I think that my refusal to let my family worm their way into our lives in a negative way has done much to show him how much I love him and how important his feelings are to me. I mean, I could probably go on forever living with the destructive dysfunction of the family I grew up with because I am used to it but I can't come up with one good reason why I should insist that DH be subjected to it. It is normal that your DD or DS (can't rememeber which) wishes they could have a Christmas with the Kranks type family but it sounds like that will never be a reality. It's just a part of life that there are many things that we want but will never have. I think it's more important for you to create that environment with them and your DH.
 
What I would do, and this is just me, is to politely decline your mother's invitation and have a relaxing Christmas get-together at your house - just you, the hubby, and this kids. Don't invite anyone over, and don't go anywhere! Open gifts, make Christmas cookies with the kids, watch football, pop some popcorn, and have quaint Christmas dinner with turkey (or ham, depending on your preferences), taters, pie, etc. Curl up in the blankets and watch movies and never take off your pajamas! :7

Just thinking about it makes me feel all relaxed inside.

When I was a kid, we never went anywhere for the holidays and just had the holidays with my parents, my brother, and me. It was so NOT stressful and I have fond childhood memories of the holidays. Unfortunately, I've married into a family (as wonderful as they are) that absolutely MUST get together on every single holiday! So, if you get to spend Christmas with just your hubby and kids, I'll envy you. :7
 
Catwoman - that sounds wonderful. Makes me feel happy and relaxed just thinking about it too. Hmmmmm.

Delfin - I feel for you. We've had similiar type issues in our family - really over beliefs (political and religious) and it's no fun it rears its ugly head. I want everyone to be happy and get a long. This doesn't sound like something that will easily resolve but I hope it does one day. Good luck.
 
Delfin,

As hard as it is when your loved ones can't see eye to eye, you need to have your own holiday traditions as a family. Concentrate on your children and your husband, and enjoy each other.

I'm sorry some relatives are like that. You have to do the next best thing to make it a fun time. Or maybe that is the best thing.

Have the greatest first year tradition, and make it awesome for your family. Each child and yourselves can start a fresh tradition and continue with it every year. If it is memorable enough they will look forward to it year after year after year.

Have Fun, life is too short.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
 
Hmmmmm another thought.....

I would tell my husband and my father that if they love me and want to behave like adults I would like to spend the HOliday with both of them but that they are not allowed to be rude or hostile to each other - - - (in our dreams right)

Honestly, it might be better in your situation to host it at your house anyways - that way you have the higher ground - your house, your rules - you would be able to spend the Holiday with your mom and not disappoint her and also support your husband :)I would suggest it take place at your house and NO BICKERING! It is Christmas right ;)
 
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