Does divorce = Suing?
- Thread starter crazystepr
- Start date
I am going to offer another point of view. I am probably of your mom's generation and have 2 grown sons. Our marriage has been basically happy but sometimes I fantasize about leaving it. Just about all of my friends who are of the same age express the same feeling. It is just that you were the mom and the wife and now you would really like an opportunity to be yourself. Two posts mention about their parents living in homes that their fathers love but that their moms hated. What does that tell you about decisions that were made? Believe me this doesn't happen overnight. These women have been internalizing their feelings for years. Also you can discuss all you want with your DH about changing certain things in a relationship but men don't like to change whatever it is that is bugging you. Many of us went from our parents' homes to our marriages without ever having an opportunity to live by ourselves and we would like that chance. There are many of us who have only had one serious relationship in our lives and would like a chance for a different relationship. One thing I will bet is that everyone of these women have felt "taken for granted". We feel sorry for dad we feel sorry for ourselves but has anyone considered how mom has been feeling?
Phyllis - I think I did say in my post that I understood why my mother left, but it was the way she left that was so upsetting. Instead of communicating with my father and leaving on good terms, she waited until she found another man. It's too long and complicated to go into details, but when she left she lied about everything to her friends and family and pretty much trashed everything my parents had built together over 35 years in her hurry to get out fast.
If she had approached the situation with honesty and integrity, I think everyone would have felt differently.
Erica
If she had approached the situation with honesty and integrity, I think everyone would have felt differently.
Erica
crazystepr
Cathlete
Oh, Phyllis, I completely understand your point of view. Everything you said is exactly what my mom has said, expressed and felt (as far as she's told me, my dad, and my siblings). You are completely correct. My only issue with my mom is that she has, unfortunately gone about this wrong. I understand how she feels--really I do. (Well, not from personal experience, but I'm trying my best). She has been internalizing her feelings for years. YEARS. And she finally exploded. There were a lot of things wrong in my parent's relationship and my dad neglected my Mom. She had finally had enough. But she's essentially washed her hands of her family now. She wants to have her time and be her own person but it has involved her leaving the family--both physically and emotionally. She never dated anyone other than my father. They were married at 19 and she had my oldest sister at 21. I know she feels she missed out on a lot, but it's not fair to try and make up for that by destroying everything you've created--especially your children. My six siblings and I have considered her feelings since day one--but she has not considered ours. My dad will defend her until the day he dies. He's not angry. Just taken by surprise, I think. And, of course, sad.
I feel sorry for myself, but a million times more sorry for my parents. For their pain, suffering, and loss of what was once a really amazing relationship.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
I feel sorry for myself, but a million times more sorry for my parents. For their pain, suffering, and loss of what was once a really amazing relationship.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
crazystepr
Cathlete
>Phyllis - I think I did say in my post that I understood why
>my mother left, but it was the way she left that was so
>upsetting. Instead of communicating with my father and
>leaving on good terms, she waited until she found another man.
> It's too long and complicated to go into details, but when
>she left she lied about everything to her friends and family
>and pretty much trashed everything my parents had built
>together over 35 years in her hurry to get out fast.
>
>If she had approached the situation with honesty and
>integrity, I think everyone would have felt differently.
>
>Erica
God, Erica--are you my sister?!?! lol. Seriously. What you went through is a mirror image of what's going on in my family. How bizarre.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
>my mother left, but it was the way she left that was so
>upsetting. Instead of communicating with my father and
>leaving on good terms, she waited until she found another man.
> It's too long and complicated to go into details, but when
>she left she lied about everything to her friends and family
>and pretty much trashed everything my parents had built
>together over 35 years in her hurry to get out fast.
>
>If she had approached the situation with honesty and
>integrity, I think everyone would have felt differently.
>
>Erica
God, Erica--are you my sister?!?! lol. Seriously. What you went through is a mirror image of what's going on in my family. How bizarre.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
My six siblings and I have considered her feelings
>since day one--but she has not considered ours. My dad will
>defend her until the day he dies. He's not angry. Just taken
>by surprise, I think. And, of course, sad.
Allison - maybe our moms are sisters!
My mother and I have now been estranged for almost 7 years. She's never met my youngest child and hasn't seen my other children in that time either. Her choice, not mine. I'm an only child and these are her only grandchildren. My father will also defend my mother until the day he dies. It's very sad. I am willing to forgive my mother, but she has proven over and over again that she hasn't changed and I can't have a relationship with her as long as she continues to lie and manipulate and not take responsibility for her actions.
I really hope that your family can heal and move on better than ours did.
Erica
>since day one--but she has not considered ours. My dad will
>defend her until the day he dies. He's not angry. Just taken
>by surprise, I think. And, of course, sad.
Allison - maybe our moms are sisters!
My mother and I have now been estranged for almost 7 years. She's never met my youngest child and hasn't seen my other children in that time either. Her choice, not mine. I'm an only child and these are her only grandchildren. My father will also defend my mother until the day he dies. It's very sad. I am willing to forgive my mother, but she has proven over and over again that she hasn't changed and I can't have a relationship with her as long as she continues to lie and manipulate and not take responsibility for her actions.I really hope that your family can heal and move on better than ours did.
Erica
dreamyjeanie
Cathlete
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Sometimes I think divorce is harder on adult children then on younger children. Younger children seem to be more resilient probably due to the fact that they don't have the knowledge and experience that an adult has. I know of several women who waited until the children were grown to make the decision to leave thinking it would better for the children. But in the end it was just as devastating. My heart goes out to you and your family during these times and I pray that your family ties are not severed on either side. You may never know the real reasons for your mother's actions. She may not understand them completely herself. Hopefully with time she will be able to maintain relationships with you and your siblings. Best of luck to you and your family through this all.
Jean
Jean
RunninTeach
Cathlete
I have read that divorce is supposed to be more difficult for adult children to handle. I don't have firsthand experience with it, so I can't offer much except more (((HUGS))) to you, Allison.
You mentioned that you lost your friends when you & SO broke up, so may I suggest talking to a counselor? In addition to sharing with us whenever you want, of course!
[font face="bradley hand itc" size=+2]~Cathy[/font]
http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/exercise/th_SnowBunny_tns.jpg
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"Do you want to feel my spatula?" Run, Fat Boy, Run
You mentioned that you lost your friends when you & SO broke up, so may I suggest talking to a counselor? In addition to sharing with us whenever you want, of course!
[font face="bradley hand itc" size=+2]~Cathy[/font]
http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/exercise/th_SnowBunny_tns.jpg
http://img16.glitterfy.com/53/glitterfy084824T933D37.gif
"Do you want to feel my spatula?" Run, Fat Boy, Run
DebbieH
Cathlete
Allie, I just wanted to offer you another HUG! I know how you have been struggling with this sadness for awhile now. Hang in there...you are one tough cookie. I am a product of divorced parents and although it is hurting now, trust me, it DOES get better. (Not that you won't always be sad about what happened.) Big hugs to both you and your daddy!!! Erica, a BIG hug to you too!
http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
You DO NOT have no one, Allison. I always look forward to your posts... your common sense. It just sucks for you right now and you need some support to get through it. You certainly have that HERE. I'll never understand WHY people always feel they need to take sides in a breakup and why they (even the women) nearly always go with the guy, but that sure seems to be the way it usually shakes down.
Parents divorcing always make you feel like a little kid. Your remark about snuggling with Mom and Dad... My dad passed in 1986 and my mom followed four years ago and I still, from time to time, drive by the old house and feel weird. I often recall early nights at the kitchen table with Dad watching and discussing Wild Kingdom and Hee Haw (four channels, if you count public tv, and nothing on...). And Mom was my best friend and advisor whom nobody's been able to replace. My parents argued but never divorced (though they probably SHOULD have). But Mom wanting out, after 36 years? I can't imagine what you're feeling but I support you! Unfortunately, I'm clueless about the legal issues regarding divorce. I just know you and your pops are hurting and I wish I could make it stop. Damn. I'm praying for brighter days for you REAL SOON.
Parents divorcing always make you feel like a little kid. Your remark about snuggling with Mom and Dad... My dad passed in 1986 and my mom followed four years ago and I still, from time to time, drive by the old house and feel weird. I often recall early nights at the kitchen table with Dad watching and discussing Wild Kingdom and Hee Haw (four channels, if you count public tv, and nothing on...). And Mom was my best friend and advisor whom nobody's been able to replace. My parents argued but never divorced (though they probably SHOULD have). But Mom wanting out, after 36 years? I can't imagine what you're feeling but I support you! Unfortunately, I'm clueless about the legal issues regarding divorce. I just know you and your pops are hurting and I wish I could make it stop. Damn. I'm praying for brighter days for you REAL SOON.
SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
>I am going to offer another point of view. I am probably of
>your mom's generation and have 2 grown sons. Our marriage has
>been basically happy but sometimes I fantasize about leaving
>it. Just about all of my friends who are of the same age
>express the same feeling. It is just that you were the mom
>and the wife and now you would really like an opportunity to
>be yourself. Two posts mention about their parents living in
>homes that their fathers love but that their moms hated. What
>does that tell you about decisions that were made? Believe me
>this doesn't happen overnight. These women have been
>internalizing their feelings for years. Also you can discuss
>all you want with your DH about changing certain things in a
>relationship but men don't like to change whatever it is that
>is bugging you. Many of us went from our parents' homes to
>our marriages without ever having an opportunity to live by
>ourselves and we would like that chance. There are many of us
>who have only had one serious relationship in our lives and
>would like a chance for a different relationship. One thing I
>will bet is that everyone of these women have felt "taken for
>granted". We feel sorry for dad we feel sorry for ourselves
>but has anyone considered how mom has been feeling?
Someone once said to me 'Nobody, not even the kids, know what's REALLY going on in a marriage but the two people who are in it.' My late mother spoke a lot about dreams deferred and feeling... caught. She got married to her first husband to get out of her abusive father's house. When he came home from WWII "a stranger" they divorced and she hooked-up with my dad. Both of her husbands were good men and great dads (she had a son & daughter with each of her two husbands, the children from marriage #1 raised by HER parents). All my mother ever wanted was to go places but she never got to. When I graduated high school, having made no plans for my future, I joined the Navy because there was nothing else and because it's what my mom had always wanted to do. She insisted I'd "Go places" and "See things" and she was right. She was such an amazing woman but she never got to fulfill a single dream in all of her 79 years. It wasn't anyone's fault, just as it's really not anyone's fault in any marriage, really. In my mother's day nobody ever asked "What do you want to do with your life?" You got married and made babies. Period. And you stayed where you were, abandoning your dreams or exploding when it finally became unbearable. There's just a point where many people say to themselves "This can't be all there is."
But Allison, and others here, are proof, it really is Hell on the kids, even when they aren't little anymore. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be happy without hurting anyone else? And the weirdest thing now is EVERY woman I know feels trapped at work and WANTS to stay home with the kids. I'm 47, single, childless (by choice - because I can barely take care of myself). Moms (including my late mother) think I've got it made, while I envy them their families. They think I have all this freedom but, on a single income? Yea, right. Looks are deceiving and the grass is always greener.
>your mom's generation and have 2 grown sons. Our marriage has
>been basically happy but sometimes I fantasize about leaving
>it. Just about all of my friends who are of the same age
>express the same feeling. It is just that you were the mom
>and the wife and now you would really like an opportunity to
>be yourself. Two posts mention about their parents living in
>homes that their fathers love but that their moms hated. What
>does that tell you about decisions that were made? Believe me
>this doesn't happen overnight. These women have been
>internalizing their feelings for years. Also you can discuss
>all you want with your DH about changing certain things in a
>relationship but men don't like to change whatever it is that
>is bugging you. Many of us went from our parents' homes to
>our marriages without ever having an opportunity to live by
>ourselves and we would like that chance. There are many of us
>who have only had one serious relationship in our lives and
>would like a chance for a different relationship. One thing I
>will bet is that everyone of these women have felt "taken for
>granted". We feel sorry for dad we feel sorry for ourselves
>but has anyone considered how mom has been feeling?
Someone once said to me 'Nobody, not even the kids, know what's REALLY going on in a marriage but the two people who are in it.' My late mother spoke a lot about dreams deferred and feeling... caught. She got married to her first husband to get out of her abusive father's house. When he came home from WWII "a stranger" they divorced and she hooked-up with my dad. Both of her husbands were good men and great dads (she had a son & daughter with each of her two husbands, the children from marriage #1 raised by HER parents). All my mother ever wanted was to go places but she never got to. When I graduated high school, having made no plans for my future, I joined the Navy because there was nothing else and because it's what my mom had always wanted to do. She insisted I'd "Go places" and "See things" and she was right. She was such an amazing woman but she never got to fulfill a single dream in all of her 79 years. It wasn't anyone's fault, just as it's really not anyone's fault in any marriage, really. In my mother's day nobody ever asked "What do you want to do with your life?" You got married and made babies. Period. And you stayed where you were, abandoning your dreams or exploding when it finally became unbearable. There's just a point where many people say to themselves "This can't be all there is."
But Allison, and others here, are proof, it really is Hell on the kids, even when they aren't little anymore. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be happy without hurting anyone else? And the weirdest thing now is EVERY woman I know feels trapped at work and WANTS to stay home with the kids. I'm 47, single, childless (by choice - because I can barely take care of myself). Moms (including my late mother) think I've got it made, while I envy them their families. They think I have all this freedom but, on a single income? Yea, right. Looks are deceiving and the grass is always greener.
GreenEyedLefty
Cathlete
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope at some point you will forgive your mother.
Poochy
Cathlete
Oh Allie .. I am so sorry you and your Dad are going thru this! Sending some hugs to you .. along w/some healing vibes!!
that is a lot to happen at once for you .. hang in there .. you will make it thru and things won't always be this raw.
A friend of mine said divorce was a lot like a death .. you need time to mourn .. to grieve ... you and your Dad WILL make it through this!!
IA w/what another poster said .. your posts are always so witty and I do look forward to reading them .. your strength does show thru your words .. my guess is you are a lot stronger and resilient than you give yourself credit for!
Hang in there!!! {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}
that is a lot to happen at once for you .. hang in there .. you will make it thru and things won't always be this raw.
A friend of mine said divorce was a lot like a death .. you need time to mourn .. to grieve ... you and your Dad WILL make it through this!!
IA w/what another poster said .. your posts are always so witty and I do look forward to reading them .. your strength does show thru your words .. my guess is you are a lot stronger and resilient than you give yourself credit for!
Hang in there!!! {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}