Ok...I was thinking 'who the hell needs friends like these?' You know, I would just tell him "No, I'm not going to be able to do this". I don't think this would make me a bitch, just someone who was asserting her right to say no to an unreasonable request. Also, I don't believe it is good for my health to allow someone to manipulate or railroad me into doing something I don't want to do, leaving me feeling resentful and disrespected.
Do you think this is rude...
- Thread starter dr.mel_PT
- Start date
ITA with Liann. It is appalling the way some people feel they can just trample on the rights of others in order to fulfil their own selfish needs/wants. It would have been different had they asked you first and given you the power to make the decision rather than what they did.
JanetP1507
Cathlete
Again, I agree with Lori. Why are we taught to believe that saying NO makes us a bitch?? I would e-mail her back now and say no....can't do it, too much to do that day for myself....IF YOU HAD ASKED ME FIRST I would have let you know so you could make other arrangements. You should never ever let anyone push you around like that or try to guilt you into doing something, this gives them permission to continue to treat you like this. If you don't stand up for yourself with her now, it will just happen again....baby shower, anniversary party, birthday party, etc. Nip it in the bud, NOW. If everyone is telling you you're being a pushover, then maybe it's time you stopped being one.
jgarr44460
Cathlete
I don't normally respond to questions like these but I can't keep this in. Are they kidding!
I would have to email back and say I couldn't do this - no reasons required. If I were to go to the wedding without ending this distraction I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day at all.
I'm afraid I don't " suck it up" for anyone anymore and that does not make me or you a bad person.
I would have to email back and say I couldn't do this - no reasons required. If I were to go to the wedding without ending this distraction I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day at all.
I'm afraid I don't " suck it up" for anyone anymore and that does not make me or you a bad person.
kathryn
Cathlete
Wow, that is rude, and your friend doesn't seem willing to listen to your refusal (which, actually, didn't sound very assertive).
I think you have to just lay it on the line and tell them you can't do it. No explanation needed (if you give them the whys and wherefores, they will just come up with arguments to counteract them). Or something like "No, sorry, that's not something I feel comfortable doing, you'll have to find some other option" (period, end of discussion).
Or maybe just email back with a bill for those services.
I think you have to just lay it on the line and tell them you can't do it. No explanation needed (if you give them the whys and wherefores, they will just come up with arguments to counteract them). Or something like "No, sorry, that's not something I feel comfortable doing, you'll have to find some other option" (period, end of discussion).
Or maybe just email back with a bill for those services.
dr.mel_PT
Cathlete
Wow, that is rude, and your friend doesn't seem willing to listen to your refusal (which, actually, didn't sound very assertive).
I think you have to just lay it on the line and tell them you can't do it. No explanation needed (if you give them the whys and wherefores, they will just come up with arguments to counteract them). Or something like "No, sorry, that's not something I feel comfortable doing, you'll have to find some other option" (period, end of discussion).
Or maybe just email back with a bill for those services.
Haha I was actually going to write out the check for the gift when we get to the reception, subtracting out gas & parking fees.
Whoa! Your friend really didn't rise to the occasion! At this point, if I were you, I would be furious. Now you know that this is just flat-out rude.
I know that people in the wedding party have some "responsibilities" in addition to being guests (I think this usually consists of standing up & sitting down on command and wearing matching clothes), but I'm pretty sure you're still supposed to ask them, and make them feel glad they attended your wedding. Also, you're not supposed to send peremptory commands via e-mail committing them to an entire days' worth of driving without their consent. This is completely bonkers.
That was terrible planning, it's unnecessarily complicated, and it certainly should have been presented as a request, with a big, obvious escape hatch! When I just explained this to my very-wedding-experienced SO (big Catholic family, lots of weddings for cousins and siblings etc), he froze in horror. Then he said, "WHAT? Is that RUDE? It's way beyond rude. It's WRONG!" He then opined that you should refuse.
So, two votes from over here for "Just Say No!"
I know that people in the wedding party have some "responsibilities" in addition to being guests (I think this usually consists of standing up & sitting down on command and wearing matching clothes), but I'm pretty sure you're still supposed to ask them, and make them feel glad they attended your wedding. Also, you're not supposed to send peremptory commands via e-mail committing them to an entire days' worth of driving without their consent. This is completely bonkers.
That was terrible planning, it's unnecessarily complicated, and it certainly should have been presented as a request, with a big, obvious escape hatch! When I just explained this to my very-wedding-experienced SO (big Catholic family, lots of weddings for cousins and siblings etc), he froze in horror. Then he said, "WHAT? Is that RUDE? It's way beyond rude. It's WRONG!" He then opined that you should refuse.
So, two votes from over here for "Just Say No!"
JeanneMarie
Cathlete
It completely amazes me the way rude people these days try to take advantage of others. And what makes it even worse, as has been said here already, they somehow have this way of making you feel like the bad guy when you refuse to let them manipulate you.
In situations like this, I have started saying, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." They can't argue with an unnamed "excuse". They can, of course, ask "why" this won't work, but if they do, I just repeat what I said the first time, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." It covers a multitude of situations and lets you control your own destiny without being rude back to anyone.
In situations like this, I have started saying, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." They can't argue with an unnamed "excuse". They can, of course, ask "why" this won't work, but if they do, I just repeat what I said the first time, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." It covers a multitude of situations and lets you control your own destiny without being rude back to anyone.
dr.mel_PT
Cathlete
This totally sucks! I am put in a really bad situation because I don't know this girl at all (which should mean I shouldn't care even more); if I knew the bride, I would be more apt to speak my piece and stick to my guns. The fact that I have to spend 12 hrs with her and her friends (who I also don't know) all day Fri is making me feel uneasy; I don't want everyone to treat me like crap all day for giving the bride a hard time on "her day." But at the same time I don't want to do this at all! This is why I shouldn't agree to be in weddings in the first place.
Well, it's your choice. And it really is a choice, you do have the option to say no. Think about it carefully...what's the worst that can happen if you do say no? Maybe a cost/benefit analysis would help. Then make peace with whatever your decision is.
Just my opinion, take it or leave it.
Just my opinion, take it or leave it.
Big fat ditto, Govtgirl!
I think you're right about Wife-zilla banning the female friends. Please get out of it while you can - you're going to be absolutely miserable if you don't!
I think you're right about Wife-zilla banning the female friends. Please get out of it while you can - you're going to be absolutely miserable if you don't!
dr.mel_PT
Cathlete
Update: So I took the advice from you ladies (thanks!!) and called B2B (bride to be) and told her I am not driving anywhere. Long story short, apparently no one lives around where my hotel is and they all live south of where I will be (this would've been nice to know when I was booking the place! I just assumed being close to where the ceremony/reception was would be a good idea). The brunch/salon are also south of my hotel, so it would be out of people's way to come 45 min to get me and drive back down. My friend and his B2B tried to get a car service to come get me but then there was an issue with there being 7 of us downtown and only 1 car (another bridesmaid agreed to drive); if we did that then we would have to have a taxi take some us from point a to point b, c, etc which would be too expensive since nothing is near each other. She figured she was doing me a favor by just having me drive to save $ instead of paying out the butt in cab fees.
She apologized for it seeming like I was forced to do something I didn't want to and admitted this was all due to lack of really poor planning. She also offered to get dropped off at my hotel so we can ride together instead of me being alone. It would've been nice to be notified of all this info before sending an email like "Melissa you are driving here and here and doing this and that..." then we could've avoided all this aggravation!!!
She apologized for it seeming like I was forced to do something I didn't want to and admitted this was all due to lack of really poor planning. She also offered to get dropped off at my hotel so we can ride together instead of me being alone. It would've been nice to be notified of all this info before sending an email like "Melissa you are driving here and here and doing this and that..." then we could've avoided all this aggravation!!!
kathryn
Cathlete
So you spoke up for yourself and nothing disastrous happened: no screaming or hissy fits, no asteroids dropping on you from the sky, no chasm opening up at your feet and swallowing you whole.
Now don't you feel better?
Can't you change your hotel reservations and book a room in another hotel with a better location?
Now don't you feel better?
Can't you change your hotel reservations and book a room in another hotel with a better location?
Aquajock
Cathlete
Mel, it sounds like B2B made a full-throated apology and admitted to a major brain fart. Sounds like the possibility of you two becoming friends is more promising. Enjoy the wedding!
A-Jock