DH and I are very very happy with our two doggies and each other. People keep asking us when we are going to have kids and neither of us have any desire to have them. Our friends that have kids seem miserable and tired... sorry parents you don't make it look at that fun. Kids are very expensive and a ton of work (obvious I know) plus with 6+ billion people on the planet and dwindling natural resources I don't really see the point. I do wonder if we will ever come to regret our decision in our golden years as some of our "friends" and family keep telling us. Do any of you regret not having kids?
Do any of you ever regret NOT having kids?
- Thread starter jlsahli
- Start date
Amysue
Cathlete
My husband and I decided not have children before we were married. We both grew up in large and extended families where our parents took in grandchildren. We both feel as if we had had enough babies to last us a lifetime.
We love to travel and do so at least 3 months out of the year. We go climbing, hiking, backpacking, mountaineering all over the world. It would not be the same if we had kids...especially little ones.
I am now 43 and he is 49 with lots of great nieces and nephews to play with whenever we feel the need. We spoil them and it's fun. Kids are great but they are not for everyone.
Amy
We love to travel and do so at least 3 months out of the year. We go climbing, hiking, backpacking, mountaineering all over the world. It would not be the same if we had kids...especially little ones.
I am now 43 and he is 49 with lots of great nieces and nephews to play with whenever we feel the need. We spoil them and it's fun. Kids are great but they are not for everyone.
Amy
Thanks! Beavs, you are so right, everyone thinks that us child free folks have nothing to do and they have no respect for our time. It drives me crazy, yes I'm sure that folks with kids don't have as much time as we do but it is their choice. Again, I just don't get why people have kids.....
shanihib
Cathlete
I faced being childless for years while we went through infertility treatments (to later go on to an older child adoption). I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if we had chosen not to have kids, but in my case I was driven to be a mother. I am glad we did. It *is* tremendous work and very draining (and honestly life would be easier without our daughter - she is a handful), BUT in our case, she is the light of my life. There is nothing like having that bond, and the joy (and pain LOL) over seeing her turn into a young lady. I have no idea if I would have been happy childless, although at the time it seemed unbearable. Now, in retrospect, I think I probably could have been perfectly happy childless, but I would have missed out on something deep. Make sense? I'm grateful that in many ways we have a choice now-a-days!
amyg
Cathlete
Good point Shani. I realized when I was very young and babysitting a special girl that I loved her, and I realized how much I've loved my cats since I got them, so I figured out that adopting is as strong a bond as any other maternal relationship. Once I realized that, I've been much more relaxed about whether or not I'll ever give birth. (Knowing I'd be a high-risk pregnancy with my diabetes, that used to be a big concern for me.) It's exciting to think about, yet painful too since I've seen some of the pain and sacrifices involved.
(LOL, please don't misunderstand, I'm not equating pet ownership to child rearing it's just a way I could understand loving another when I was much much younger!)
(LOL, please don't misunderstand, I'm not equating pet ownership to child rearing it's just a way I could understand loving another when I was much much younger!)
SnideySpidey
Active Member
I love kids, and I love seeing them go home with their parents after I have filled them up with rootbeer, cake, and pop rocks
tsagona
Cathlete
jlsahli,
If you don't want kids then the worst thing you could do is have them. You and they would be miserable. I was fortunate to have 2 children and certainly don't regret having children. When you say you I just don't get why people have kids.....
Man, aren't you glad your mother didn't feel that way?
But as someone else here said, having children isn't for everyone. Not everyone has that maternal instinct and for those who don't, stick to your pets.
Tracy
If you don't want kids then the worst thing you could do is have them. You and they would be miserable. I was fortunate to have 2 children and certainly don't regret having children. When you say you I just don't get why people have kids.....
Man, aren't you glad your mother didn't feel that way?
But as someone else here said, having children isn't for everyone. Not everyone has that maternal instinct and for those who don't, stick to your pets.
Tracy
meowracer
Cathlete
One of the biggest problems in my marriage is that I want another child and DH does not. He adopted my daughter, which was very sweet of him. However, we had talked about having a child together. It was not until after we were married that he let me in on his little secret that he didn't want another - must have been a phase. I hold it against him, but it wouldn't be fair to the child to bring him or her into the world unless both parents were on board. I am very thankful that he took my daughter as his, don't get me wrong. Just be thankful that you share your life with someone who also does not want children. Many people are choosing that route - just an individual choice. And, I bet I know two very spoiled children with 4 legs 
SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
I'm 47, single, and have no kids. I've talked with women who have kids and, when questioned, they say they always knew they wanted to be a mom, from the time they were little. I never really felt that. Like a lot of things, I sometimes think "what if?" but it's not a steady, constant feeling that I made a mistake. I do wonder if there isn't something kind of wrong with me that I never felt that sense of urgency (biological clock and all) and it concerns me that my status means some may perceive me as strange. It doesn't help that I have five cats, no steady man and, all the sudden, single women my age with cats have become a cliched punch line in every network sitcom. It stings, especially since I always pictured myself in a relationship with a great guy traveling exotic places doing fun things. It was never in my mind to be a parent alone and it's hard telling how different things would have been had I met That Guy in time. It just didn't happen for me. But then sometimes I'll be in a K Mart and some kid will be screaming his freakin' head off and I can feel myself becoming unwound. In that instant, my belief that I did the right thing is reaffirmed. Where I live, I'm SURROUNDED by women who should never have had children. Just yesterday I almost went off and a young woman walking down the street with four children of various ages, berating one of the young one's, calling him "stupid" and "dumb a**." My mother was a lot like me, not a natural parent (both my dad and brother were BORN to be daddy's, ironically) but she really grew into the role as I hit adolescence. And I know the exact moment when she woke up: When a gang of bigger, older girls at school were picking on me and my mom got wind of it she called the principal (I was a fourth grader) and told her to "get every one of them in the office. The ringleader was a very large girl and, when she made the mistake of smirking, my mom got about three inches from her face and told her to get that smile off her face or she'd "get it off" for her. It was like my mom snapped out of a decade of postpartum depression in the blink of an eye to protect her baby. She got real fierce and protective after that and we got stupid close. My best friend got mad because I told my mom "EVERYTHING." But when I saw that young mother ripping into her little boy, calling him names, I remember my mom saying you should never talk to a child like that, saying "If you call a child 'stupid' the child eventually accepts it as fact." People who obviously had no business being parents pi**ed her off and I've become the same way. So, weirdly, I feel very protective of other people's kids but still don't really think I'm up to being responsible 24/7 for making sure another human being grows up right. I'm not a born mom in the same way I'm not a born astronaut.
A couple of summers ago I was heading towards my front gate, on my way to my car, when two little girls on bicycles too big for them were riding past, one upset with the other. The one girl kind of jumped down quick while the other whizzed passed and hissed "stupid" (obviously picked up from their mother). The first stood there, determinedly struggling to get back up on her big bike. As I passed in front of her I said "I don't think you're stupid..." She looked at me, momentarily stunned. Then she scrunched up her face with the most tickled expression, hopped back on her bike and began peddling off, feeling a lot less "stupid." At times like that I think 'Maybe I COULD have handled the job...'
A couple of summers ago I was heading towards my front gate, on my way to my car, when two little girls on bicycles too big for them were riding past, one upset with the other. The one girl kind of jumped down quick while the other whizzed passed and hissed "stupid" (obviously picked up from their mother). The first stood there, determinedly struggling to get back up on her big bike. As I passed in front of her I said "I don't think you're stupid..." She looked at me, momentarily stunned. Then she scrunched up her face with the most tickled expression, hopped back on her bike and began peddling off, feeling a lot less "stupid." At times like that I think 'Maybe I COULD have handled the job...'
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dbelden1
Cathlete
missed all the PAIN>>>
So am I the only one that never wanted to have kids because I was afraid of how much it would HURT??? drugs aside, the thought of pushing out a watermellon through a whole the size of a quarter didn't appeal to me AT ALL!
I was older when my mom had my little sister (after 2nd marriage) and she had lots of trouble with an eptopic (sp?) before that. Seeing my mom go through all that pain didn't help! Also, my mom was bucked off her horse and subsequently shattered her elbow and bruised her tailbone shortly after the little monkey was born and I ended up helping my mom a lot... I had enough gagging over dirty diapers and cleaning babyfood off the ceiling! I admit it, I'm a WHIMP! I still give my younger sister stuffed monkeys for holidays or birthdays because I told my mom that I wanted a monkey not a sister! I was 8 and I liked being an only child!
Also, I do not have the patience or tolerance to raise a child either. I have a hard time being around parents who seem to forego discipline for Time Outs, kids running through the house screaming at the top of their little lungs dragging crayons along the walls, yelling "He's touching me!", pulling on the dogs tail, and putting pb&j in the VCR... Of course, I was an absolute ANGEL! HA! all my mom had to do was give me "the look" and I stopped dead in my tracks... but guess this is another post topic... while it may be a generalization and not ALL kids run amuck, but my limited experience has jaded me...
anyway, long story short... I have NEVER wanted kids, my DH's kids are older and lived with their mother, and have never regretted my decision. I'm 42 now and DH will be 50 in December. we love to be able to go anywhere, do anything on a whim and at a moments notice... Selfish? maybe, but at least I realized all this BEFORE I had kids... Maybe I would see it differently if it was not a personal choice, but a physical limitation that would somehow not allow me to ever have kids, but my journey just never included parenthood as an option...
So am I the only one that never wanted to have kids because I was afraid of how much it would HURT??? drugs aside, the thought of pushing out a watermellon through a whole the size of a quarter didn't appeal to me AT ALL!
I was older when my mom had my little sister (after 2nd marriage) and she had lots of trouble with an eptopic (sp?) before that. Seeing my mom go through all that pain didn't help! Also, my mom was bucked off her horse and subsequently shattered her elbow and bruised her tailbone shortly after the little monkey was born and I ended up helping my mom a lot... I had enough gagging over dirty diapers and cleaning babyfood off the ceiling! I admit it, I'm a WHIMP! I still give my younger sister stuffed monkeys for holidays or birthdays because I told my mom that I wanted a monkey not a sister! I was 8 and I liked being an only child!
Also, I do not have the patience or tolerance to raise a child either. I have a hard time being around parents who seem to forego discipline for Time Outs, kids running through the house screaming at the top of their little lungs dragging crayons along the walls, yelling "He's touching me!", pulling on the dogs tail, and putting pb&j in the VCR... Of course, I was an absolute ANGEL! HA! all my mom had to do was give me "the look" and I stopped dead in my tracks... but guess this is another post topic... while it may be a generalization and not ALL kids run amuck, but my limited experience has jaded me...
anyway, long story short... I have NEVER wanted kids, my DH's kids are older and lived with their mother, and have never regretted my decision. I'm 42 now and DH will be 50 in December. we love to be able to go anywhere, do anything on a whim and at a moments notice... Selfish? maybe, but at least I realized all this BEFORE I had kids... Maybe I would see it differently if it was not a personal choice, but a physical limitation that would somehow not allow me to ever have kids, but my journey just never included parenthood as an option...
Mckmain
Cathlete
I am 49 and have been married for almost 28 years. I never really knew if I wanted kids. I was the youngest of 4 girls and somehow watching 2 of my sisters raise their kids, seeing the things they had to give up might have helped with my decision not to. Mothers have a very tough job!!! I always considered myself somewhat selfish and by the time I hit 40 I knew it would not happen. I never tried to get pregnant. My DH did not care much either way and was always supportive of whatever my decision was. I love my nieces and nephews. I have enjoyed watching them grow. I doubt I will ever regret my decision not to have kids....
atgood
Cathlete
SirenSongWoman:
Brilliant post. I'm in much the same situation as you, in terms of age, pets(!), mental/psychological approach to life, regrets (or better put, no regrets).
I've never, ever felt a biological clock ticking, nor did I ever feel left out because I had not "walked down the aisle." Those dreams were never my dreams.
I lived overseas for a while in my 20s and am thinking of moving for awhile--a dream that would have been much more difficult, if not impossible, if I kids. I really like kids, but I also love my life as I'm living it. And I completely respect and stand in awe of those (my sisters included!) who choose to be parents.
Great thread, and I appreciate all the varying opinions!
Brilliant post. I'm in much the same situation as you, in terms of age, pets(!), mental/psychological approach to life, regrets (or better put, no regrets).
I've never, ever felt a biological clock ticking, nor did I ever feel left out because I had not "walked down the aisle." Those dreams were never my dreams.
I lived overseas for a while in my 20s and am thinking of moving for awhile--a dream that would have been much more difficult, if not impossible, if I kids. I really like kids, but I also love my life as I'm living it. And I completely respect and stand in awe of those (my sisters included!) who choose to be parents.
Great thread, and I appreciate all the varying opinions!
tneah
Cathlete
Interesting post..sirensongwoman..thank you. Really, your post was well though out and well spoken, I totally understand.
I adore children, I have a "knack" with them..I never really thought about whether or not I would actually bear children..in my twenties I had two abortions...it was extremely painful to choose this and left me feeling like maybe God didn't want me to ever have children.
As life went on...I was focused on surviving and working to make ends meet, I never had a serious guy who I thought wanted kids with me, so I put it out of my head.Plus at that time, I was so self absorbed, it was out of the question.. I was bodybuilding at the time and to think of being pregnant was horrific to someone trying to stay super lean...
Now that I am 42, and my hubby is 58...and has a grown daughter who I am very close to, it isn't in the equation. There are times I think that "everything happens for a reason" and this is the way it was meant to be. The other part of me longs to nurture and have "a part of me" running around. But then I think thoughts like, "what qualifies me to be a good parent?" "What right do I have to bring a child into this world?" I mean, its the biggest, hugest thing you can do here on earth, bringing another life into this world...its just so big, and I guess it wasn't in the stars for me.
There are days I feel like sirensongwoman when I hear a screaming baby, or see a bratty kid...ugh. But then, gosh you feel like you have so much love to give don't you?
I think if the circumstances of my life had been different, I would probably have two kids with a hubby who actually wanted to have them...as it is, I am very happy and satisfied with my own DH and my 147 pound Newfoundland doggy "Georgie"....they both take alot of love, and I have lots to give them!
I adore children, I have a "knack" with them..I never really thought about whether or not I would actually bear children..in my twenties I had two abortions...it was extremely painful to choose this and left me feeling like maybe God didn't want me to ever have children.
As life went on...I was focused on surviving and working to make ends meet, I never had a serious guy who I thought wanted kids with me, so I put it out of my head.Plus at that time, I was so self absorbed, it was out of the question.. I was bodybuilding at the time and to think of being pregnant was horrific to someone trying to stay super lean...
Now that I am 42, and my hubby is 58...and has a grown daughter who I am very close to, it isn't in the equation. There are times I think that "everything happens for a reason" and this is the way it was meant to be. The other part of me longs to nurture and have "a part of me" running around. But then I think thoughts like, "what qualifies me to be a good parent?" "What right do I have to bring a child into this world?" I mean, its the biggest, hugest thing you can do here on earth, bringing another life into this world...its just so big, and I guess it wasn't in the stars for me.
There are days I feel like sirensongwoman when I hear a screaming baby, or see a bratty kid...ugh. But then, gosh you feel like you have so much love to give don't you?
I think if the circumstances of my life had been different, I would probably have two kids with a hubby who actually wanted to have them...as it is, I am very happy and satisfied with my own DH and my 147 pound Newfoundland doggy "Georgie"....they both take alot of love, and I have lots to give them!
Miss Lee
Cathlete
This is my life now.Don't worry. If you don't have kids you will end up by default being your parents primary caregiver (you know, because people without kids are always footloose and fancy free).
My DH and I don't have children. I didn't start out wanting them, but then I changed my mind and spent years and thousands of dollars trying to have one. It just didn't work out for us. I don't have any regrets, but there are times when I wish things had worked out differently.
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SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
I do feel like I have a lot of love to give. But I'd prefer to give it to a man :O
Selfish? Oh yea!
jennifermaria
Cathlete
I personally have nothing but deep respect for people who are honest about not wanting kids and make the decision not to have them. As someone said earlier in the thread, only people who want kids should have children--and no one should ever pressure you or guilt you into having kids if you don't want them. It does you no good and IMHO, it does the child no good; it leads to everyone in the situation having regrets, resentment, and for the children, insecurities rooted in the suspicion that they weren't really wanted.
I think we all know if we want children or not. I personally have a deep longing to be a mother, but I know many don't, and I don't think it's selfish in the least to say that one doesn't want children. IMHO it's one of the most most selfless decisions someone can make, because he/she knows the desire isn't there and won't bring a child into that situation.
Please don't let anyone make you doubt your choice. It really is YOUR choice. Life is full as long as you're happy and if being happy means having children or not having them, embrace whichever it is and celebrate that.
I think we all know if we want children or not. I personally have a deep longing to be a mother, but I know many don't, and I don't think it's selfish in the least to say that one doesn't want children. IMHO it's one of the most most selfless decisions someone can make, because he/she knows the desire isn't there and won't bring a child into that situation.
Please don't let anyone make you doubt your choice. It really is YOUR choice. Life is full as long as you're happy and if being happy means having children or not having them, embrace whichever it is and celebrate that
.