DH is high maintenance...please help!!

L

lisaannjam

Cathlete
Hi Ladies,

I'd appreciate any advice with regard to this issue. I am so tired, sad, frustrated, confused and disappointed and I honestly don't know what to do.

DH and I will be married four years this year. I do love him very much, but frankly I am EXHAUSTED. I recently cut back on my work hours because I was so exhausted and not feeling so great. I worked 40+ hours and also did all the laundry, cooking (and DH has to have everything homemade), cleaning, dishes, food shopping, dog bathing & maintenance, bill paying, banking, errands...etc...etc. I feel like I just burned out!

I would constantly tell DH that we really needed to divide the chores between us. DH does not cook and his idea of helping would be to do a load of his own laundry and hang it on the line. I would then have to take down, fold and put away his laundry before doing my own or the "household" laundry. I'd ask him to go food shopping, but of course I had to make the list. It became such a hassle, I just did it myself. And if I'd just leave things go and wait for him to do anything...well it just would not get done. And I cannot live like that.

I cut back on my hours at work and now I feel that my DH resents me for doing that. He constantly makes snide comments in a passive aggressive way about work. I feel like I am working harder now than I did when I was working 40+ hours. I feel like he is so high maintenance and has such high expectations but he does not help out whether I work full time or not.

Also, we live in an old house (the house was DH and his ex-wife's). We had to live here when we got married because it is very old and he was in the process of fixing/restoring it. Every cent we make goes into this house. And if it does not go into the house, it goes into my DH's "teeth" fund. He is in the process of having his teeth fixed and it is costing us over $15,000 dollars. I pushed to make his health a priority, and I honestly don't mind helping pay for it. I guess I just feel very underappreciated.

DH grew up with a stay-at-home Mom and I feel that he expects an equal partner that makes equal pay but also wants all the advantages of a full time homemaker. I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about this. It is making me extemely depressed. I feel now that he is resenting me for cutting back on my financial contributions and I am resenting him for not helping. He just doesn't see it!!!

He won't go to counseling. I'm seriously considering going for some counseling by myself as I am just miserable at this point in time.

To add insult to injury, DH's family asked why I'm not working full time!! They do know my DH is demanding. He is with everyone.

He says he loves me, buys flowers, writes notes...why can't he see what he's doing is hurting me and hurting us??

Does anyone else have a demanding DH? I'm normally a strong person, but right now all I want to do is cry.
 
Lisa, I'm sorry for your pain. This may sound harsh, but it's not meant to be. The reality is, we teach people how to treat us. When we follow their ideas of who we should be and how we should behave, we make those things okay. Therefore, if you do not want to cook every night, don't. Get take out or eat cereal or suggest he make something if he wants something special. If you do not want to fold his laundry, don't. Etc., etc., etc.

I know this is not easy, but when you do the things he wants you to do, you are just enabling. And since you can only change yourself, that's where it has to start.

Good luck.
Marie
 
I think you both need counseling. And you need to stop doing everything. Just stop. A marriage is a partnership and he is not holding up his side. You cannot keep this up, and if something is not done, it will end badly.
 
Thanks Ladies. You know intellectually, I KNOW you are both right. And I would have given the same advice if it were someone else. You are so right that we teach people how to treat us. I do plan to get some counseling for myself. I feel like I've lost myself in this.

Thanks so much for taking the time!! I really appreciate it more than you know. I feel very alone right now. Thanks.
 
Lisa - first of all huge (((((hugs))))) for you girl. I can feel your pain! My ex- was very similar. Grew up with a SAHM who did everything for him, and I just took over when we got together.

That being said, what do you think will happen if you just STOP doing everything for him? For instance, if he leaves his laundry on the line, take it down and put it in a basket. Don't fold it and put it away. When he runs out of clean underwear, he'll have to get it himself. Don't cook homecooked meals for him every night. When he asks, show him where the food is and let him know that he's free to cook it himself.

If he refuses to go for counselling, then you certainly should go. The road you are on now will only lead to resentment and bitterness on your part.

I sincerely hope that you can work this out:)
 
Lisa,

Hugs to you and much empathy.

It's painful when someone you love doesn't see things with the 3D view you have.

Marriages are beasts that evolve over time. Hopefully, this will just be a chapter that you muddle through and come out at the end feeling better and stronger.

You've already gotten some good suggestions to focus on you and what you will and won't do or what you can or cannot do -- given your resources -- and sticking to that requires a lot of discipline and pain tolerance.

Counselling can help, as long as the counselor is good (duh, but....can't hurt to say be as picky about the counselor as you would be for a mate.)

Inlaws are a pain. My MIL told me early in my marriage to just do whatever it took to do to make DH happy and I quote: "...and the vaccuuming will keep you slim, honey..." My DH pointed out at that time that his brilliant mother had a maid and didn't do much vacuuming. Still there are many things my DH doesn't get and we work daily to stay in sync. (Let's just say it's a full-time job....to be in sync ... at least some of the time. Other times it feels easier.)

Believe in yourself and do what you need to do to feel balanced!!

-Barb
:) :) :)
 
Lisa, you've already had some great advice here, so I don't need to do more than send my good thoughts and say, to everyone else, ITA. Stop doing that which makes you resentful, and see what happens. Seriously, you are already feeling alone and overwhelmed, what have you got to lose by rocking the boat a little in your favor?

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Hi Lisa.

Oh girl, I feel for you!

Before DH and I got married I made it VERY clear to him that if we are both working F/T that I will NOT be doing all of the housework...NO WAY NO HOW! He helped. Sometimes I had to ask and if he was going grocery shopping I had to make the list cause let's face it, most men are clueless! LOL It was okay though cause he was willing and it was one less thing that I had to do.

Now that I am a SAHM I do the household chores and feel that it is only right since I am home BUT if things got screwy and I needed help, all I'd have to do is ask and he would help in a heartbeat. He still does garbage duty and cuts the grass and things like that as well.

DH was raised w/a SAHM who was ALSO an old-fashioned Italian lady so when I say she did EVERYTHING for him...she did EVERYTHING for him!

Bottom Line: If you are both working then you both need to chip in around the house and that's that. There is no reason why you should work your butt off when you get home while he sits on his in front of the tv or whatever! That's BS IMO! The easiest thing to do is refusing to cook. Cook and eat what you want and let him fend for himself. Sure he'll get pist but maybe you'll finally be able to make him understand.

Best of luck to you hon!
 
you cannot keep running yourself into the ground like that. he may be sweet by giving you flowers and writing notes, but that does not get the house cleaned, the meals cooked or the laundry done. you are not his slave, but that is how he is treating you. just reading your post makes me feel depressed for you. i was in a marriage for 6 years. we never had fights, he was very polite and gave me flowers and bought me things all the time. none of that made up for the fact that things were wrong between us. i knew i was not happy, but i didn't even realize how miserable i was until i asked for a divorce. i could not even say that word for 6 years. once i got the guts to say it to myself, i was able to tell him. i have to say that a giant boulder rolled of my shoulders when that happened. now, i am in no way telling you that you should get a divorce. this is a very personal decision to make, but i do think counselling for yourself it a great place to start. i went to a thearapist for about 7 weeks, which is not very long, but i can't tell you how much better i felt about myself after i began to spill the things inside of me that i had carried around for years. please take care of yourself. marriage should not be a drudgery, it should make you happy, and sweetie, you do not sound happy right now. journalling can also help sometimes. i am really just throwing some ideas out there that helped me. since i have been divorced, i have found an incredible man that makes me smile when i just think about him. i think this is the way relationships should be. i know everything is not roses all the time, but overall, the good should outway the bad. when it turns the other way, it is time to re-evaluate whether it is right or not. you only get one life so please don't spend the rest of it being this sad. you deserve so much more than that. madonna has a line in one of her songs that i really love. "second best is never enough, your too much better, baby, on your own". this is VERY true. just be strong and take care of yourself. sorry i rambled, but i feel so bad when i hear of someone who is in such a hard place in life.

take care,
 
Lisa,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You've gotten great advice. I think one thing that you should remember, and this applies to all modes of behavior.... you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself.

Please stop being what he wants you to be, and be what is best for you. It almost sounds like you are in fear of your marriage failing if you don't do all these things for him. I say to you... with a marriage driving you to the brink of exhaustion, this marriage might not be the best thing for you.

However, I don't advise getting out of the marriage. I've been through some mighty rough spots in my own marriage, and we worked it out with counseling and lots of learning. If you feel strongly that this marriage is what you want, go to a counselor and help yourself. That's a start.

As for him, I am so very sorry he treats you like he does. His behavior is so wrong. Again, only YOU can change what you allow. Do not allow his wants and needs to affect you so negatively.
Good luck!
 
Okay..I'm crying now but it's a good cry for a change. THANK you for the much-needed hugs and advice. I was an independent, strong, happy woman just a few short years ago believe it or not!!!! You are all so right. I think you all hit the nail on the head. This is my second marriage and I so deperately don't want to feel like I've failed again. I will begin looking for a good counselor TODAY. And I guess with time and help, I'll figure out what's best for me.

I just wanted to add that our next door neighbor knew my DH's ex-wife and said she was really "nice" like me and that she left because DH was so mean and selfish. I honestly did not want to believe that was true when he told me. But, I have to be honest with myself...I now know why his ex wife left. Gosh...that makes me so sad. He was so wonderful when we dated. I would have NEVER imagined that he would be like this as a husband....not in a million years.

It's best to start with being honest with yourself as hard as that is at times.

I CANNOT thank you all enough!! I feel more love and empathy right now from my cyber sisters than from my own DH. I better take a hard look at that.

Okay...I've gotta stop crying. Oh well...no housework today...seriously!

Love ya all...thanks!!!
 
One question: who does the yard work? I do all the housework. Right now I am a SAHM, but when I return to the working world this won't change (one reason I'm a little slow to get back lol). We have a large yard and dh does all the mowing, trimming, spraying, etc. I only have a small vegetable garden and flower bed for my own pleasure. Since I do EVERYTHING inside, you better believe you will not see me mowing!

Maybe you can figure out what is most important to him and concentrate on those things and get help on some of the other stuff. Instead of asking for "help around the house" ask "can you do the laundry on Sat. morning so I can get the dusting and vaccuming done?"

Homemade dinners and desserts are most important to my dh. He would really not be a happy camper if I said we were going to eat out or told him he was on his own. That being said I do not love to cook, so I have a few crockpot and easy dinners and a frozen pizza occasionally.

I don't think your headed for divorce. :) But be sure and get this all figured out before you have kids. Doing housework is nearly impossible with babies and toddlers around.;-) And in my opinion, most men will not willingly tell you that you are just doing too much and that they want to jump in and help! So, you will have to figure out some specific ways to get time off for yourself. If he just refuses to help, consider hiring a housekeeper or taking the laundry to the cleaners. Just my 2 cents. Marnie

edited to add: I reread your post. I understand your dh's health is important - is $15,000 for his health or appearance? Your health is important too and stress can do a lot to ruin it! I've had a very stressful year and was surprised that my bp went from its usual 115/70 to 147/95! I am trying to be sure to do what I can to reduce my stress and get this back down. So, if you need to spend the $ for a housekeeper, do not feel guilty!
 
"That being said, what do you think will happen if you just STOP doing everything for him? For instance, if he leaves his laundry on the line, take it down and put it in a basket. Don't fold it and put it away. When he runs out of clean underwear, he'll have to get it himself. Don't cook homecooked meals for him every night. When he asks, show him where the food is and let him know that he's free to cook it himself."

Shelley...thanks for the hugs!!! Gosh, I really need them right now. You know when you see yourself as a strong person, it's hard to admit you need help. I have tried NOT doing his laundry. He will wash his own laundry and then it sits. And I have just let it sit. But that only helps so much. He will actually run to the grocery store and come home with a bag of groceries for himself...ice cream, white bread, eggs etc. Now, I follow a clean diet and he knows I don't eat any of those things. I would never go to the grocery store and only buy fish and veggies. Shelley, he just doesn't think anything of it. I think he is just really good at taking care of himself. And I am obviously not very good at taking care of myself in this relationship. I've just got to go for counseling for myself. Thanks for sharing and caring about me. LOVE YA!!!
 
I feel for you. My DH used to be the same way - the only thing he did was his own laundry and he rarely folded it and put it away, but I never did that for him - that was key. I cooked the meals, did all the cleaning, took the dog for walks, etc. Then I realized that I was training him to expect those things from me. I finally sat down w/ him a year or so ago (we've been married 3 yrs tomorrow), and had a talk about it. The key is how you talk to him. Don't use accusatory language or complain about how you do "everything". Just let him know that things aren't working the way they are and things need to change. We now do the grocery shopping together, sometimes he does it himself (he's actually really good at it). When I need help, I ask nicely and he'll oblige. For instance, I will say, "I'm going to clean up the kitchen - if you could vacuum that would help me out, then we can go out and do xy&z"... sadly, it sounds like I'm treating him like a child but it works.

He can't "see" what he's doing, you have to TELL him.
 
>One question: who does the yard work? I do all the
>housework. Right now I am a SAHM, but when I return to the
>working world this won't change (one reason I'm a little slow
>to get back lol). We have a large yard and dh does all the
>mowing, trimming, spraying, etc. I only have a small vegetable
>garden and flower bed for my own pleasure. Since I do
>EVERYTHING inside, you better believe you will not see me
>mowing!
>
>Maybe you can figure out what is most important to him and
>concentrate on those things and get help on some of the other
>stuff. Instead of asking for "help around the house" ask "can
>you do the laundry on Sat. morning so I can get the dusting
>and vaccuming done?"
>
>Homemade dinners and desserts are most important to my dh. He
>would really not be a happy camper if I said we were going to
>eat out or told him he was on his own. That being said I do
>not love to cook, so I have a few crockpot and easy dinners
>and a frozen pizza occasionally.
>
>I don't think your headed for divorce. :) But be sure and
>get this all figured out before you have kids. Doing housework
>is nearly impossible with babies and toddlers around.;-) And
>in my opinion, most men will not willingly tell you that you
>are just doing too much and that they want to jump in and
>help! So, you will have to figure out some specific ways to
>get time off for yourself. If he just refuses to help,
>consider hiring a housekeeper or taking the laundry to the
>cleaners. Just my 2 cents. Marnie
>
>edited to add: I reread your post. I understand your dh's
>health is important - is $15,000 for his health or appearance?
> Your health is important too and stress can do a lot to ruin
>it! I've had a very stressful year and was surprised that my
>bp went from its usual 115/70 to 147/95! I am trying to be
>sure to do what I can to reduce my stress and get this back
>down. So, if you need to spend the $ for a housekeeper, do not
>feel guilty!

Thanks so much for your reply. The $15,000 for DH's teeth is mainly for health but there is also a cosmetic aspect to it. His entire family has bad teeth and gums and have all had to have work done. I made a schedule of chores that needed to be done and I told him to do what he wanted to do and then just check it off. He used to clean when he was single, but hasn't since we got married. He sees that as "women's" work, but the worst thing is that he won't admit that he thinks that way to himself, let alone me.

As for my health...I've been very sick with I.B.S. It's gotten progressively worse over the past few years. I feel overwhelmed and I know it's making me sick. Boy, just by writing this post and reading the replies..it really makes me realize that life should NOT be this way and I have to make some serious changes.

P.S. I do all the weeding and we take turns cutting the lawn.
 
Lisa,

My ex's behavior was much the way yours is and worse. It took many years of counseling for me to realise that he was a selfish SOB with
his own interests at heart. Sorry to be so blunt but that's how it was.

The advice you got from everyone was outstanding and my intent on commenting here is regarding your question on how you should approach just stopping your catering to him. I would not just stop because that would probably make your situation explode. What I would do is make a list of things you will or will not continue to do and discuss them with him beforehand. This way, you have communicated your intent and when things change, he will not be surprised. You need to follow through on this! I know sometimes we have intentions and conviction and then because we women are such emotional creatures, we may weaken and change our minds.

As far as his reaction to your change...expect the worse and maybe it won't be as bad as you think :).

Best of luck to you! Your DH is lucky to have you...it appears he just doesn't know it yet.
 
>Lisa,
>
>My ex's behavior was much the way yours is and worse. It took
>many years of counseling for me to realise that he was a
>selfish SOB with
>his own interests at heart. Sorry to be so blunt but that's
>how it was.
>
>The advice you got from everyone was outstanding and my intent
>on commenting here is regarding your question on how you
>should approach just stopping your catering to him. I would
>not just stop because that would probably make your situation
>explode. What I would do is make a list of things you will
>or will not continue to do and discuss them with him
>beforehand. This way, you have communicated your intent and
>when things change, he will not be surprised. You need to
>follow through on this! I know sometimes we have intentions
>and conviction and then because we women are such emotional
>creatures, we may weaken and change our minds.
>
>As far as his reaction to your change...expect the worse and
>maybe it won't be as bad as you think :).
>
>Best of luck to you! Your DH is lucky to have you...it
>appears he just doesn't know it yet.

Thanks so much, Candi. I'm sorry to hear that your ex was the same and worse. I agree with you in that we do start off with great conviction and intentions. I will heed the great advice I've gotten here. I do like the list idea. I've tried it before, but I need to do it again and stick to it!! Thanks.
 
I just had to reply to this...
I have had a very similar experience except it wasn't my husband with the high expectations of me, it was myself. My mother was a SAHM and she did everything. I want to do the same thing for my husband but I was so stressed out all of the time. I just felt like I could never get on top of the housework, and the cooking was a whole other story. I would get very irritable and DH didn't know what to think. He would help but that would make me feel like a failure because I wanted to do it all for him (I also work full time but I did cut back on my hours). I have found some things that I would like to share with you that have helped TREMENDOUSLY. First, may I say that you will NEVER be able to live up to your husbands expectations or anyone elses for that matter. It's just life, if we live our lives around what we think others want from us we will never, and I mean never FEEL that we've done enough. Strife results when we have expectations of other people and don't feel like their meeting those expectations. I have to remember that and not have a lot of expectations of my DH. I HOPE for the best, but I try not to make expectations of him and this really helps to eliminate strife in our home. Second, I found a planner that works for me. I found it at hisgraceworks.com and it is called "the beautiful life management system". It comes with 3 instructional tapes (I've listened to them several times and they have wonderful tips) and the lady that came up with the planner has 5 or 6 children I think. Anyways, I highly suggest it. They teach you how to efficiently be the manager of your home and still have quality time with your family. It has worked wonders for me. Thirdly, through listening to the tapes I discovered flylady.net. This website is dedicated to women who want to have clean, orderly houses, cook meals and have a life. It teaches you to use routines and you'll be amazed at the time it frees up for you. It's made a difference even with my laundry. Don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of hard work but these tools help so that you make the most of your time and it really makes these sometimes daunting tasks somewhat fun and very manageable. I hope that this helps, I can relate except for the tremendous pressure your feeling from your husband. For this, I would suggest christian counseling. If he won't go, then go by yourself. Only good can come of it, and who knows, maybe he'll catch on and start going as well. My DH and I went to premarital counseling and continue going for "checkups" ever since we got married. We have learned a lot in counseling and we enjoy going.

Hang in there and hope for the best!

Ashley
 
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