DH is high maintenance...please help!!

Hi Marie...thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I do plan on finding a therapist this week. I know it will help. As for your question was it a gradual change...I would have to answer no to that. I noticed right away when we got married and were living together that DH was not cleaning the bathroom or food shopping (like I used to see him do when we were dating) and stuff like that. Since I was used to doing these things on a weekly basis, I just started doing it for the two of us. I love to cook...so I started cooking for the two of us. And that's when I discovered the whole food thing with DH (likes only certain things, cooked certain ways and from scratch.) So, I started cooking, then took over the bill paying and other responsibilites and gradually these things just became my to-do list. I am a personal trainer and I think that DH has always thought that since I'm not a 9 to 5 person, I have more time. The problem is I DO NOT have more time and I've tried explaining that to DH as I've said. It's just fallen on deaf ears. But, I will get the help I need.

Thank you again!! It's never easy to do the right thing and I'm so glad you are happy now.

Debbie---thanks, Sweetie!!!
 
Hi Lisa,

I have a great deal of advice, but the first thing you must do is not blame yourself. Yes, it's true that we teach people how to treat us, but you started doing all those things because you're a good person. If he's taking advantage of you, and it sounds like he is, he's the one with the problem, not you.

My own advice is to seek counseling for yourself. This will help with any self-esteem DH may have taken away from you. Also, I would find something of my own. Whether it's a hobby, or joining a group, it helps divert your attention. If DH gets mad that you're not at his beck and call, just say "Excuse me, but I have to leave." Eventually he will figure out that, to keep you around, he'll need to be nicer.

I just went through a similar problem. Fortunately I was already seeing a psychiatrist (for treatment with an unrelated medical problem), so I was able to get a professional opinion. I learned that I was taking everything DH said to heart, so first I quit believing him. Now, when he starts his high-maintenance behavior, I counter with a gentle comment about the illogical nature of his never-ending requests. (This is tricky, but it can be done.) If DH goes on, I say "I'm sorry you feel that way," then leave the room and attend to other business. 90% of the time, he straightens out.

Good luck, my dear. You can e-mail me privately if you need to vent.
 
Lisa ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

I was dating my husband for eight years and once we got married things really did change. My situation is different because he does do a LOT but sometimes I feel like he runs on energizer batteries and I can't keep up. I work from 8-5, get home at 6 (so does he) and I'm wiped out. I try to cook and keep up with the chores (which he helps me with) but he always wants to constantly do "something" and I just want to rest. In addition to helping me around the house, he cuts the grass, changes the oil, trims the trees, takes out the garbage and other stuff that he does. By reading your post, I stopped myself and thought that maybe I'm hurting him by not doing everything he would like me to do (with him). I'll try to be more helpful.

If he trully loves you, he will at least make an effort to understand where you are coming from. I really hope things work out for you.

Thanks,

Kathy
 
Lisa:

It just plain pisses me off to read about your situation. This forum is so terrific: everyone's heartfelt responses and excellent advice to you...

When my husband and boys complained that dinner was too late because I work out when I get home from work, I hired a cook. Life improved dramatically. Also hired a housekeeper and never looked back. I have not found counselors to be of any help, at all. But there definitely are some great self-help books out there. One I have just finished and thought was excellent was, "From Burned Out to Fired Up," by Leslie Godwin.

I know that I am more of a tough love type than most, but you MUST reshape your environment because if you don't, NO ONE ELSE WILL. Your DH has a great thing going - why would he want to change anything? Think about it. Counselors (IMHO) will encourage long gradual discussions and open the door for endless hemming and hawing. It sounds like you are past that point and need results quickly, so if you do go the counselor route, do careful and pointed research on the candidates.

Removing yourself for the occasional rejuvenative weekend at a spa or cabin in the country - alone - also might work. It works extremely well for me. Husband is not invited and I really do come back feeling much better. He has a renewed appreciation for me since I wasn't around to do stuff all weekend. And - here's the important part - you do not ask him if you can go!!! It is a free country and you are entitled to have a good life, Lisa!!! Be strong, be assertive and be happy - you deserve it!!
 
Thank you for the EXCELLENT advice!!! A weekend away...ALONE is overdue and would be very therapeutic!!

Thank you all for putting things into a wonderful new perspective for me. I'm sure we've all been in a place where we are so mired down in it, I think we just stop thinking!! I think I certainly did.

So, thank you for helping renew my spirit!! I'm feeling stronger and more energized each and every day.

I am so grateful to all of you. And I'm so happy that I shared this. I was very hesitant to as I am a pretty private person.

Thank you all!!!!!!:) :) :) :) :)
 
As a Personal Trainer you do have more flexibility but on the other hand, only make money if you work and probably need to be flexible to your client's time and availability.

Did your DH complain when you cooked because it wasn't what he would cook?

You obviously can't let the bills go and not pay them but what about other things? Maybe you can bring home dinner sometime to save you the trouble of cooking from scratch. Try not to make yourself crazy trying to do everything. If you continue, you might end up resenting him to the point of seriously damaging the relationship. I think now you are hoping that you can work things out so that this relationship works for both of you. Back in college there was a poem I liked and since that was LONG ago I can't remember the exact words but basically - I want to include you in the building of my life but I don't want my life to revolve around you.
 
Here's the line from that poem:
I don't want to build my life around you but want to include you in the building of my life.
 
Marie..I sent you an e-mail. I hope you don't mind.

That quote is perfect...thank you for sharing.

I am completely overwhelmed and so grateful for all of the responses and advice that I've gotten from everyone here.

From the bottom of my heart...thank you all!!!

Please know...I would be happy to do the same for any of you. You are all truly wonderful, wonderful strong women whom I admire tremendously!!!

I'm making little changes for myself...one day at a time!!!
 
{{{{Lisa}}}}

>When my husband and boys complained that dinner was too late
>because I work out when I get home from work, I hired a cook.
>Life improved dramatically. Also hired a housekeeper and
>never looked back.


I haven't responded to this thread before, because I don't have experience with marriage, but this was what I was thinking.

If I were married, I wouldn't become 'housekeeper' because I don't do it that much anyway as a single woman! I don't believe that "housekeeping" is tied to the X chromosome (and even if it were, men do have one X chromosome, so they should at least do 1/3 of the work! And it shouldn't be considered "helping" the wife). If someone likes doing it, and they feel that they are in an equitable partnership with their husband, that's another story, but it doesn't sound like your situation.

If DH is looking for someone to cook and clean for him, whom he doesn't have to share responsibilities with, he should hire someone.
 
Thanks, Kathryn!! I agree with you completely, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts! I did get married...not hired, although that's how I feel right now. This will change, however!! Thanks again!
 
To overstate the obvious, of course you are right, Kathryn. All work in a marriage should be equitable, and evenly divided. If one partner works full time and the other one doesn't work outside the home, it makes sense for the one who is home to do more of the housework. But where both partners are working, it is unfair for one to have to do all of the housework.

My DH and I both work full-time which allows us to afford a housekeeper. There are still some chores we have to do, and we divide them according to preference, i.e., I don't like loading the dishwasher, and DH doesn't mind. I don't mind clearing the table after dinner, so I clear and he loads. We prepare dinner together. I clean the toilet and he takes out the garbage. I honestly think that when you take responsibility for your relationship and you're a grown-up, you understand that it's a partnership and both parties have to participate. When DH was single, he could tolerate things a lot sloppier than I could, and I had things a lot neater. We have both compromised, and our home is now something between what we both had when we were single, and that's as it should be. We've both adapted pretty nicely. Marriage is a give and take, and BOTH parties should be both giving and taking.

-Nancy
 
I suspect what's going on with this man is much deeper than who does the dishes and who does the laundry. What I read between the lines is this man is controlling to the point of being pathological and his personality sounds like it contains a high degree of narcissism.

She has been putting up with a great deal of emotional abuse.

It's evident Lisa knows the relationship isn't working for her and I'm confident she's strong enough to make the changes required to make her life better. She certainly deserves to be happy.
 
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