DH is high maintenance...please help!!

Oh, as if my post wasn't long enough, sigh, one more thing... there were several suggestions of "letting him do his own stuff etc.." and I just wanted to say that in the early days of my marriage I did just that and it backfired on me. My husband did not even notice. It only caused more bad feelings for me (i.e. resentment, bitterness, frustration). I found that rebelling was not the answer. I'm not trying to put down anyone's post, it is naturally our first reaction when we feel unnoticed or taken for granted to get back at the person or really get their attention. From my own personal experience, I saw tremendous changes in myself when I changed my attitude from that of a slave to a servant. I want to serve my husband and my family and make our home nice. That attitude adjustment (and regular adjustments;) )have really helped. OK, i've definately said enough...

Ashley
 
Oh, LAJ!! I was hoping that it wouldn't come, but I saw this coming. Just from a few little things you mentioned in your emails and your posts. I'm at work now, at lunch, so I'll keep my comments to a minimum. You are such a big-hearted, giving person. You deserve to be with someone who is the same way. Yes, you do. You REALLY deserve it. I'm sorry, but I think you have to be harsh with him. Tell him that if he goes to counseling with you, it will show you that he really cares about your feelings and cares about the marriage. If he doesn't, well, let him know what that will mean to you.

I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. I will send you an email tonight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LISAANNJAM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
-Nancy
 
Ashley...I cannot thank you enough for taking the time and care to respond to me and elaborate on what has worked for you. God bless you! I completely appreciate your advice and am so happy to hear that these things have worked for you.

I do feel that I am already a great time manager. I don't feel that is a problem for me. And I totally agree that we need to be careful that we are not putting undo pressure on ourselves to be perfect.

For ME, it is more of a I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't with my husband. When I'm putting in major hours at work and trying to keep up at home he's really happy about the money but he still doesn't share in the responsibilites at home. I've tried in a very nice way to get him to share. Believe me, I've asked him. Believe me, I've shared my feelings and told him how much his help would mean to me. My DH does what he wants to do when he wants to do it and gets very stubborn if he feels he is not in control. He just thinks I should think and feel the way HE does about things. And I just cannot do that. I certainly have compromised as that is a part of marriage. But I think the essence of the problem is that he just wants me to think and be like him and then it won't be a problem. That just does not work for me.

I will look into the things you mentioned for my own piece of mind. And I truly appreciate the time you've taken to share with me.
 
Oh, NANCY...I'm taking those big, fat cyber hugs!!! Thanks. Wow, you saw this coming, huh? I had NO idea!! Isn't that amazing? It may sound silly, but that actually makes me feel a little bit better.

I am far from perfect, but I am a kind person. DH thinks I'm too kind. I am kind, but I am not stupid. As I wrote in the previous post, DH wants me to think and be like him. If I did, then the things that bother me wouldn't bother me...and then I cease to be me. I need to do something now. I am not perfect, but I like being me and all that entails. I don't want to change who I am.

Sometimes I feel as if DH wants to keep me so busy and exhausted at home due to his own insecurities. I've talked to him about this. I'm never accusatory when I talk to him, but he gets very defensive and then it's just impossible to communicate like that.

Well, I'll look forward to your e-mail. Thank you!! I appreciate your being there for me now...I'm really hurting, Nancy.
 
My husband also does absoloutely nothing! His version of yard work is to write the gardener a check. He also loves to write wonderful notes and give me flowers. I keep telling him that emptying the dishwasher says I LOVE YOU more than a note or flowers! If you made a list of all the chores and asked him to take over at least a third would he refuse? I have accepted that my DH will never help out around the house or yard. He doesn't do it to be unkind--he just didn't grow up in a house where he had any household responsibilities. I currently take care of our 3 children and only work 12-24 hours a week so I am OK with doing most of the work around the house.

I hope that you can find a resoloution to this problem either through counseling or discussion with your husband.
 
Lisa,

I have never in my life met someone who is too kind! From what you have said here my thought is that your DH is not kind enough.

I can feel your frustration and I feel so bad for you!! I don't know what I would do if my DH refused to budge when I shared heartfelt problems with him. You've gotten really good advice and I hope that things work out for you very soon.:)
 
Lisa,

You've already received excellent advice and from your posts I sense you'll do what YOU need to do.

I just want to add my {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}.
 
Lisa,
Others have given you some great advice. I have a couple of questions. How long did you date before getting married? Did you talk much about previous marriages and why things didn't work, expectations, etc? I just had a sense from your emails that he was looking for someone to replace his ex to do these things. Not that he doesn't care about you in his own way but be sure that this relationship works for you too. If it doesn't, don't assume you are a failure. It takes two to make a relationship work. I think going to a counselor is a great idea. Please let us know how you are doing.

I am in my 2nd marriage (2nd for him too) to a really great guy and feel spoiled. He loves to clean and do laundry and since I want him to be happy, I oblige and let him have that fun!! :) I cook and do all the shopping. I do some cleaning but most he does plus the outside work too. We both work full time.
 
First...thank YOU all for the hugs and advice. I am so grateful!! I truly am.

DH and I dated for over two years before we got married. We each had our own houses (I had my own condo for six years). We both worked full time. DH seemed to love my independent nature. He seemed to love my outgoing spirit. He cleaned his own house. He fed himself. He was very independent. We both entered this marriage believing we would both contribute financially and domestically. And it did start off that way for the first six months or so.

And yes, we did talk about why our previous marriages failed. Both of our ex-spouses were unfaithful. It wasn't until AFTER we were married that my DH would say to me..."you sound like my ex wife" when I would try to communicate when I was unhappy with the way things were. I am a positive person and always offered some solutions and compromises.

So, needless to say, I was really shocked during my first year of marriage. I did not know where my fiance went and who the person who replaced him was. Only after we were married was his family forthcoming in telling me that he treated his ex the same way. His own Mom told me to stay strong and not take any crap from him. Well, I try not to, but I also don't want to live my life avoiding "taking crap".

I feel like it was a "bait and switch" deal. Believe me, I did not enter this marriage lightly. I felt like I did my homework. I did do my homework.

I am so glad to hear that you and others feel spoiled. It makes me feel there is hope. I had a terrible first marriage and my trust is totally destroyed. I will get some counseling.

Thank you for your kindness!!! And thanks for reminding me that I'm not a failure.
 
>My husband also does absoloutely nothing! His version of
>yard work is to write the gardener a check. He also loves to
>write wonderful notes and give me flowers. I keep telling him
>that emptying the dishwasher says I LOVE YOU more than a note
>or flowers! If you made a list of all the chores and asked him
>to take over at least a third would he refuse? I have
>accepted that my DH will never help out around the house or
>yard. He doesn't do it to be unkind--he just didn't grow up
>in a house where he had any household responsibilities. I
>currently take care of our 3 children and only work 12-24
>hours a week so I am OK with doing most of the work around the
>house.
>
>I hope that you can find a resoloution to this problem either
>through counseling or discussion with your husband.

Thanks Fitnurse! God bless you and all you do!! I guess the difference is that my DH has been making nasty comments since I cut back on my hours. It seems like he's never happy. Heck, he IS never happy. I'm starting to see that this is really his problem and I think I'm trying to make him happy and I have to stop! Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it!
 
If he won't communicate with you, I would write him a letter expressing all your feelings. He'll be forced to read every word, and maybe that will get him thinking. Just a thought.

Wishing you well.
 
Lisa,

So sorry for you to be struggling with this. My only advice is to make yourself happy. If you don't want to do so much cooking and cleaning then just dont't. You got married not hired!! Marriage is supposed to be about being together loving one another. Honestly if all it was about was signing up for years of back breaking labor for some man and and his kids why would most of us either bother with it?


KIM
 
Lisa,

Been there also with you! If you want a real good motivating read, buy a copy of Dr Laura's "Ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives" It really gave me the motivation to believe in myself when times were tough and change myself which then helped to change the situation. Dr Laura can be tough, and sometimes the reality of her words hurt, but this book helped me immensly. All the best to you, and stay strong. Hugs! Deb
 
Thanks, Ladies. I'll definitely try the letter idea. DH is big on writing me notes and they do "stay" with you so to speak. And I'll definitely read Dr. Laura's book. Sounds like I could definitely use that!

I don't know if anyone had a chance to see Oprah last week or so when she had on Lance Armstrong's ex-wife and Dr. Gail also told about her first marriage ending. They talked about how they "lost" themselves in their marriages. I want to read Dr. Gail's book.."Lies at the Altar". I was cooking at the time (haha) and I was peeled to every word they were saying. I think that's when the switch in my head flipped, and I knew then I wasn't happy and had to do something. It was one of those life changing moments.

I did not intend to sign up to be the cook/maid/housekeeper, and I do take responsibility for being turned into that. I did the work. I allowed this to happen. And now I will makes the changes necessary to be happy. I hope and pray DH will change with me as well. But I'll worry about myself for the first time in a long time.

Thanks so very much for all of your wisdom, Ladies!!! God bless you.
 
Lisa,
Over the years I've heard about so many people who say that their spouse changed after marriage, or even became a completely different person. As someone who has trouble hiding ANYTHING it always sounded so odd to me, but I assure you, as the TV program suggested, there really are a lot of people out there who are in a similar situation. Sounds like you should get a copy of Dr. Gail's book.

I am so glad that you have decided to put yourself first. It is clear to me that you have exactly the right attitude, and that the things that are being said here are just confirming what you already know. You are a very wise and strong woman and, whatever happens, I am confident that you will emerge from this rough time a much happier person.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

-Nancy
 
Thanks so much Nancy, and all the wonderful Ladies who took the time to respond to me with such thoughtfulness. Thank you and ((((((HUGS)))))))) right back at you.

And you know what...even though I'm only beginning my new journey, I feel a little relieved already. I know I don't have to live my life this way, and I will find the courage and tools to change it.

And THANKS for the votes of confidence...I'll keep those close to my heart and deep in my mind when things get tough along the way.
 
Why do you feel you let this happen? Was it a gradual change in the domestic responsibilities or sudden? I hope you can get in to talk to a counselor soon. I think it will be a big help to you in how to handle this and give you the tools to get your life back. I went to a counselor a few times following my divorce and it helped me realize that this was the best thing for me even though it was a difficult decision.
 
Lisa, I am so sorry you are hurting! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you both will be able to work thru this hard time. BIG, BIG hugs to you!

http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
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