DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoid......

carrie123

carrie123

Cathlete
Dh got up from the computer the other day in a hurry and accidently left his yahoo email account open. I sat down to see a bunch of sent and recieved emails from a girl he used to know in high school. They dated back through the summer. He looked her up when he was stationed in NY. I missed him terribly when he was gone and he's looking someone else up, what the??? I thought huh, then I felt a little upset like I'd been left out in the dark somewhere. They were personal pals and the emails were just as personal, and I especially didn't like her (ok jealousy setting in now) talking about how awful her last two marriages were and asking my DH for help in the way of advice for her personal life...At first I thought it humerous, that she'd ask a guy for advice in that arena, then I felt hurt because his responses to her were so thoughtful, something I never get here at home...I get shrugs and whatevers...Well, she's in Washington and we're in Ohio, so the distance is a nice cushion, but I can't help wondering why he needed a separate email account to talk with her...

I explained how I felt and I didn't mind her being in his life, I minded that I wasn't included...Afterall, he is privy to all my emails, and forum chats, as a matter of fact he reads stuff as I'm typing it, and we comment on things together.

We don't see each other enough as it is, he works nights, and I during the day...

Is it just me?

I had a terrible dream they had been having a secret cyber affair (happens all the time) for the last 3 years she decided to move here and they ended up kicking me to the curb with no warnings...

I wanted to simply reply to one of her emails with just family pictures of us as a family and maybe she'd get a clue and go away, but I don't know if I should. I'm just not sure what to think about DH's behavior...I think if it feels wrong then it probably is, although he swears she was just someone he used to sit next to the high school lunch room...


What do you think?
Carrie:(
 
Carrie-
First keep in mind that our imaginations as women tend to leap to affairs... I personally never want to be one of those "dumb" women who never knew it was happening so I tend to go to extremes....
If your DH has always been trustworthy than I think calmly explaining why it seems odd about the seperate email account is appropriate. If DH is respectful of you and marriage he will make some changes as long as he doesnt feel its a "You Win" he loses thing.
Several years ago DH and I were having intimacy issues and he said something about going to hooters for lunch... I was really upset but just asked him how he'd feel if I went to a place like that (w/ men) while we were having intimacy counseling. He said he never thought of it that way and was so apologetic and sorry... it was never an issue again. I really am learning at 43 that men really are wired a bit differently and what they think is harmless can really affect the spouses esteem and trust.
For me its all about handling my emotions and not getting in attack mode when I talk to him.
I am sorry you have this in your head now... Its very difficult not to get the crazies about it all.
Just my opinion...only you know the full details of your marriage/relationship...always go w/ your gut.
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

Yeah, I guess you're right...but it is soooo hard

He told me this morning that maybe he's going through a mid-life crises...just out of the blue, and I said what do you mean, you're only in your 30's. Then he said nothing and went to school, (his Saturday class)...

I didn't have time to talk to him about anything, and when he said that, woo-hoo red flag went up...

I thought, geesh, what's happened to me, a few years ago I wouldn't have thought twice, it's he's either with me or he's not...why am I so insecure all of sudden? It's a question I need to ponder and reflect on I think...





Carrie

http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar072/slider-but5/lb/209/145/189.4/.png[/image][/link]

http://www.picturetrail.com/uid6743693"
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

Carrie, I don't think you are insecure. IMO (without really knowing anything about you or your DH) I think your husband is sending up major red flags. Basically he:

- contacted a woman on the internet, while living away from you.
- did it through a "secret" account
- became close enough to her that she is confiding her relationship problems to him and he is answering in an "intimate" heartfelt way
- only told you about it when caught
- responded by telling you he is having a mid-life crisis, rather than telling you that you are the most important woman to him and he'll cut it off with her ASAP.

If I were you I would stop stressing that you are being insecure and confront him head-on. Don't be a b*&^h and attack him, but let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't stand for this. He may not be sleeping with her, but IMO a married man has no business looking up an old study hall partner online and developing a close relationship with her. Especially without sharing that rekindled friendhsip with his wife.

Sorry if I have spoken too directly. No offense intended.

Sparrow

My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

I have absolutely no idea what to tell you, Carrie. (((((Hugs))))) for feeling insecure- that is tough!

I can only tell you a little story of mine that might come close to your DH's perspective. I have been married for 4 years, with my DH for 8+ years. I looked up a former friend of mine 2 years ago because I hadn't talked to him in years and wanted to know how he was doing. Simple as that! He and I met when we were 3 and saw each other at church every week until we left for college at 18, then saw each other at breaks for the next year or so. He became a father at 18 and moved halfway across the country at that point.

His parents still live within 5 miles of me, so we had lunch when he was visiting them, etc. It did feel strange to be meeting him without my DH, but DH would have been so bored! I asked DH if he minded, and his response was that had I just met my friend, that would feel differently to him than this man, whom I have known since I was 3.

It was fun to see my friend; he commented on how much I looked like I did in high school (he missed the years I gained and then lost 45 pounds, LOL), we caught up on our lives, caught up on our families' lives, etc. It would have been exceedingly *un*comfortable for both of us if I had not been married! My marriage and my expressed love for DH took the entire physical aspect off the table, and my friend and I could both relax.

I have 2 other men from my past that I would "rekindle" a friendship with. It is a fun part of life for me and I can understand your DH's desire to catch up with a former friend. What I can't figure out is why he set up a new email account in order to do that, nor how he justified not telling you about it by saying he's having a midlife crisis. (And I think "midlife" crises have nothing to do with "exact middle" and more to do with "not at the end or beginning".)

I think you run into problems by minimizing his crisis, and by expecting you to be his "one and only everything". I've never seen that work out well for a couple in real life, regardless of how really really good it would feel. I would absolutely love to be the only person my DH ever wanted to talk to, and would absolutely love to only speak to DH... but life isn't like that. We're all different for a reason, and we all get to interact so that we can both reaffirm ourselves and attempt to understand the intricacies of others.

Best of luck to you, Carrie!!!
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

Well, I could be a little sensitive since my soon to be ex is now living with his high school buddy girlfriend whom he met up with through mutual friends a few years ago.

I agree w/ red flags and trusting your gut. Wouldn't you feel a little slimey if you had been the one who had contacted an old flame while you were out of town and then got a secret email acct and carried on a relationship? Certainly indicative of a marital relationship that could use a little work if nothing else. And it has everything to do w/ your husband setting boundries even if she is a poor misguided ignorant @#$^! But like I said, I could be a little sensitive.x(

My opinion, if your marriage is going to thrive, this might be a good time to work on communication~ maybe see a counselor or something. At least you on your own so you don't walk around telling yourself you are stupid and paranoid in order to accept the situation when you have a right to a relationship that brings love and trust into your life.

This might seem like I am butting in since I don't post on here too often (and I feel like a thread killer most of the time when I do). So I hope you don't feel like this is too harsh. Take if for what its worth.

Just take care of yourself.
 
Carrie,
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I have no idea what to think, but if you'd like, I'd be happy to ask my DH what he thinks. He's good at shedding light on these things. Totally up to you, though.
-Nancy
ETA:<--I think my DH would ask a few questions, as your facts are not crystal clear. When did he know this girl? Which summer are you referring to? How many years ago? When he was he stationed in NY? Did he see her in person at that time? Does he have any other separate email accounts?
 
Carrie,

Sorry that you are going through this. It seems to me that if he set up a secret account, then for whatever reason, he wanted to keep it a secret. I think communication is important at this time for your relationship to survive. Trust your instincts, and good luck.
Ann Marie
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

>Carrie, I don't think you are insecure. IMO (without really
>knowing anything about you or your DH) I think your husband is
>sending up major red flags. Basically he:
>
>- contacted a woman on the internet, while living away from
>you.
>- did it through a "secret" account
>- became close enough to her that she is confiding her
>relationship problems to him and he is answering in an
>"intimate" heartfelt way
>- only told you about it when caught
>- responded by telling you he is having a mid-life crisis,
>rather than telling you that you are the most important woman
>to him and he'll cut it off with her ASAP.
>
>If I were you I would stop stressing that you are being
>insecure and confront him head-on. Don't be a b*&^h and
>attack him, but let him know in no uncertain terms that you
>won't stand for this. He may not be sleeping with her, but
>IMO a married man has no business looking up an old study hall
>partner online and developing a close relationship with her.
>Especially without sharing that rekindled friendhsip with his
>wife.
>
>Sorry if I have spoken too directly. No offense intended.
>
>Sparrow

{{{{{Carrie}}}}}, I think Sparrow outlined the situation perfectly and I couldn't agree more. My alarm bells would be going off and I think a controlled confrontation is in order. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
I would go with your instinct. Having just gone through a situation where I dismissed my hunches only to be burned I can tell you that in my opinion it's best to get everything on the table now.
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't have any advice, but will say that it would make me uncomfortable with the secret e-mail account. I don't think you're being insecure at all. You're just being human.

Bill - good one! :)

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
I have to agree totally too with Sparrow.

I think the biggest red flag I saw on this post was that he set up a seperate account, no need to do something like this unless you have something to hide. And then the whole "having a midlife crisis" statement.....I fear (and I don't mean to be an alarmist) but I fear he is setting his stage for an excuse as to why he may need space soon or whatever. The comment, as Sparrow pointed out, was in no way any sort of consolation to you when he should have been offering you ease to this situation.

;(
 
I read your post to my DH and his response was, "Oh hell no, she's not being paranoid! There's nothing good going on there." So, like Bill, he's saying there's a major red flag. {{{HUGS}}} Carrie. Maybe you need to ask him to consider counseling with you. Just because there are red flags, doesn't mean anything happened yet, and doesn't mean you cannot save your marriage.
 
In my opinion, one of two things are going on here: either he wanted you to find out or this means nothing to him.

If he was really being sneaky about it and it meant something to him, he would definitely not have forgotten to close the browser, even if he was in a hurry. So, it may mean nothing to him emotionally.

Or, it does mean something to him and he didn't know how to tell you himself so he left it open for you to find.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

-Becky
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

Gotta agree with ya, Bill!

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
RE: DH has me wondering....maybe I'm just being paranoi...

Well, actually, I wonder, did he want her to find out without having to actually say anything? Leaving the window up might have been a subconcious desire to open the discussion.

Doesn't sound good. (((hugs))) Carrie.

Marie
 
I don't know what to say. You've gotten great replies and I would react the same way you're reacting right now. I am so sorry you're going through this. God knows I've been through similar situations in the past. **Hugs**
 
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