RE: can I give my 2 cents.
Hi, Lori,
After I read your thread, I realized that I am not the only parent that had to struggle similar problem.
With me, I have 10 yr DD. I met my now DH when she was 4 yr old. 3 yr ago, I have my son. She is typical child, out going, happy. But recently, about a month ago, she acted very badly. Nothing seemed can motivate her. She could not keep her promise to finish her homework, to do things she promised to do. She would not care much that I would take her cell phone, or even stop her training (She is competitive figure skater). I was so desperated to the point that I could not take it no more. I was never happy as soon as I saw her because there would be something happened when she was there and that result would be bad enough to make me upset or mad. I even started yelling at everybody in my household because of her. I took her to see licensed social worker in pediatric psychological clinic. More than a month past by, nothing happened. Her behaviors seemed getting worse. Finally, I told her clinic social worker that I need to sit down and talk to her to come out at least what I should do can change the situation. I had her bio-dad came with me. She told me that in all occasions my DD told her that she loves us. She said her behaviors are normal teenager although she just turned 10 in this past Dec. She told us no matter what happened, we should keep ourselves calm and try to let her know that no matter what, we still love her. I think at this age, kids are thirsty for attentions and independent in the same time. They don't know how to express it or how to channel it out. She told us that kids just testing us to see how far they can go we still love them. She told me that she knew it is hard for us - as parents. She could not tell me exactly what to act. But we need to find it out while bared the principal in mind that showing her we love her. We should not close the communication channel.
Then I sat down to talk to her coach. Her coach also said that my DD complainted to her that I love my son more than her. I told her coach that is so not true. Because of her training, I spent most of time with her instead of my son. Any skater moms would know that we had to get up early in the AM, driving skaters everywhere to find the rinks that offer freestyple practice time. And the training is no stop - all year round. On top of that, the expenses associated with that, private lessons, equipement, ice time, competition fees and traveling... you name it. I thought with all the money we spent on her sport (I totaled up last year all her skating related expense was over $30K) she would be appreciated of all my hard work and the money we put on for her. But she still told her coach that I love my son more than her. Her coach told me that it was normal of her reaction. She told me my DD sometimes did not even need the solution of her problem. She gave me example. One day she was not very upbeat on ice for her private lesson. Her coach asked her why. She said nothing. Her coach went ahead and gave her a big hug and said she understood that she worked hard and had a little sore. But she believed that my DD was a good skater and hard worker. She told me that my DD turned around and happy working on ice like nothing happened. Later on, her coach went with her to her ballet class and told her ballet teacher that my DD was a little bit tired. Please be patient to her. Her ballet teacher kept praising her whenever she did something good. My DD does not like ballet. But that class she was doing so well. So the conclusion her coach told me that giving my DD hugs and show her no matter what she did we still love her would do more than anything.
I started to change my strategy after these two meetings. Like others' post, I tried to let go something not important, like her messy room. I would try to keep her room door shut. That way at least it won't aggrevate me. I also tried to do mother and daughter date once a month. I realized though I spent most of my time with her, those periods were more full up with tasks. Like we had to get up early and rush to rink or checking her homework. It is more tasks oriented for her than the normal mother and daughter relationship - easy and just pure enjoy our time together. I am very independent person, even when I was very young. I expected that from her. But it seemed not working very well. So when situation happens (like she did not pick up things she promised to do), I would take a deep breath and not changing to harsh ton to talk to her. I told myself I should not lead by her attitude. Instead I should use my calm words to calm her down. It seems work. We had a relative calm two weeks so far.
But of course, for things she really did wrong, I would not let it go. I would tell her in a shot statement that she was wrong and I was hurt by what she did or said. Then I left. I leave it like that. I did not do like before trying to talk to her to make her appology. It supprised to me that after she calmed herself, she would geniunely came to me or anyone she offened and said sorry.
I can not give you any fault proved solution. I am looking for it for myself, too. But from my experience, I think they are in a desperate need of mother's attension. However they don't know how to express it in a mature and nice way. Their age also put them in the period that they had to struggle many things that unknow to them. They want to be independent, but they don't equipe enough knowlege to do that. This leads to they would do something so stupid even their original motivation was good. And one last thing, they are testing how much we love them and our patient. Right now, for me, I would do anything to keep my DD not falling in the wrong track. I want to see my DD one day can grow into a normal human being that is good to herself and society.
Sorry for my long babaling...
WantFit
"Become the change you want to see in the world. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Mahatma Gandhi
