Bully on the Bus

MAYNARDSMOM

MAYNARDSMOM

Cathlete
Once again I seek the advice of you all. My oldest son (15) occassionally comes home & tells me about this boy on the bus who is a junior, almost 17 yrs old & will say things to him. Some examples: Get a hair cut, you look like a hippy, in reagrds to the car my son bought, it's gay, one time even calling my son gay. An incident last year where another boy made inappropriate jesters towards my son he joined in on laughing & picking. Any time someone else may pick on my son this boy joins in. Now this boy has been over to our home & of course doesn't act like this here. OK, here's the kicker, it's his cousin!! I can tell he hasn't always liked my son, he gets along just fine with our younger boy. There have been times when I have said something to him & then the next day he calls him a "mama's boy". I am so aggrivated about this!! It is my husbands sisters son. Now if it were my sister & her child I would say something to her. His family is different. I say something & i'm the one making waves. We don't exactly hold the same set of morals as they do.

Any words of wisdom? PLease!!

Thanks all !
 
My best words of wisdom would be to stay out of it. My sisters have long tried to get in between their kids' quarrels and now they barely talk to each other. My mother has begged them for years to let the kids sort it out themselves, but neither listened and there is so much resentment now on both sides, that we're lucky to get the family together at Christmas. If your son was younger, I might see a reason to step in, but at 15, he should be able to sort it out for himself. Having his mom step in on his behalf may actually make the bullying get even worse.
 
Honestly?
Let him fend for himself. He's 15 yrs old and should know and have some confidence of handling this himself. If this other boy were physically hurting your son or pushing him around, I think that would be an entirely different story. But he's just giving your son a hard time, and IMO, your son should learn to 'give it right back' to him. You can give him encouragement and ideas on how to respond, but I think that in order for your son to build the confidence to combat other similar sitiuations that he'll inevitably run into, he should handle this on his own.

They're teenage boys. I know what the boys in my high school were behaving like at that age, and it seems right on par. It's just a matter of your son being able to back him off by not letting it get to him (or appearing that it's getting to him).

Honestly, I think if you try to intervene by talking to the boy or his parents yourself, it's just going to make things worse for your son by getting him more of the same.

Sometimes it can be so hard to keep a distance, but in some situaitons, it's the best thing we can do for them.
Again, JMO.
Good luck!
 
If your son is able to handle it by himself, I say let him but if he is coming to you because he needs your help, then provide what help you can, whether it is just a listening ear, encouragement, giving him ideas, etc. I think you should only step in and get involved with sister, school, bus driver, etc. only when it becomes absolutely necessary.


What about your DH, what does he think? and can he talk to his sister?


My youngest DD was bullied and it really is not a good experience. My heart always ached for her. I tried to let her resolve it but that did not work. I then had to intervene and that did not work. It was amongst girls and girl bullying can be very sneaky and deceptive. That was in elementary school. Now my daughter is in middle school and the child went to a different school, so the problem has stopped.


I truly do know how you feel, wanting to help but feel helpless. Be there for son and encourage him during this tough time.
 
I agree with the others. Stay out of it and let him handle this. Talk with your son, maybe say things like, if it were me I would do this or say that-help him that way.

Joanne
 
I agree with Melimcn.. Your son is a young man.

When I was growing up I was taught to stand up for myself and not let anyone push me around (I got picked on a lot too). I was taught to pop them in the mouth.. and they never bothered me again.

Of course, I have no police record and im not violet on a daily basis and Im not run by hate (as might be the case if I grew up having never stood up for myself when I was a kid, and if my parents had neve rdone anything to help me).. and there's one thing I know, is self-respect. People don't bother me and if they do, I have the balls to tell them where to stick it ;)

Point being here I guess is that kids don't always have the same reasoning as adults do (well, i guess almost never) and having been there and done that many times I can honestly say, that sometimes giving what you receive is the only language kids understand.
When they get older they can decifer right from wrong and reason more, but I definitly wouldn't recommend trying to make hime handle it "like a girl" (NOT THAT YOU ARE BTW!).. but it can lead to anger when he matures.

Nothing is more brusing to the (male) ego than being pushed around and not having anyone support you standing up for yourself.

I think the answer can be pretty simple. Kids don't always "take care of it on their own".. unless they're stealing your firearms and shooting up the school.. and that could be a little late.

I would tell him if someone bothers him on the bus or whereever, bash their head off the side of a locker and they will most likely move on to someone a little more passive ;)
 
When bullying got to be too much, our son called the police. (it had also crossed into vandalism at our home) The prosecutor actually filed charges but long story the actul troublemakers got another kid to take the fall for them (as they were facing jail if they had any additional police matters) We asked the prosecutor for leniency b/c we felt they had the wrong kid, but he had confessed so it got tricky. It was very stressful for all of us.

Moral of the story ~ bullying is very serious! It gets progressively worse and escalates before you know it. Bullies don't grow out of it, they just get bigger and meaner unless they are stopped. Targets of bullying have committed suicide (not trying to scare you!) become school shooters and can suffer for a long time.

Make sure your son knows you have his back and support whatever measures he feels are necessary. He needs to be empowered and if he wants you to step in , do it! And even if he doesn't, you'll know when it's time to intervene.
Protecting your son is your job and you don't owe anyone explanations or apologies for doing that.
I'm very sorry your son is having to deal with this.

Becky
 
horseshowmom said:
When bullying got to be too much, our son called the police. (it had also crossed into vandalism at our home) The prosecutor actually filed charges but long story the actul troublemakers got another kid to take the fall for them (as they were facing jail if they had any additional police matters) We asked the prosecutor for leniency b/c we felt they had the wrong kid, but he had confessed so it got tricky. It was very stressful for all of us.

Moral of the story ~ bullying is very serious! It gets progressively worse and escalates before you know it. Bullies don't grow out of it, they just get bigger and meaner unless they are stopped. Targets of bullying have committed suicide (not trying to scare you!) become school shooters and can suffer for a long time.

Make sure your son knows you have his back and support whatever measures he feels are necessary. He needs to be empowered and if he wants you to step in , do it! And even if he doesn't, you'll know when it's time to intervene.
Protecting your son is your job and you don't owe anyone explanations or apologies for doing that.
I'm very sorry your son is having to deal with this.

Becky
Click to expand...


Yes! What Becky said :)
 
Thank you all for your replies. So far I have listened to him & asked him what he would like me to do. He knows how angry it makes me & I would call in a heartbeat. he also knows what you all said that if I say anything it only will make it worse. It bothers me that he can come over to our house & be nice to him then school starts back & he does this. My son just said to me at the end of summer that he felt the two of them were getting along better & he felt good about it. They're family for pete's sake!!
We are a strong christian family & it's not his nature to stoop to cousins level of "giving it back". Both are good size boys, like my DH just told someone - he can hit like a man now but he never would nor would he talk trash.
Hopefully the nephew will grow up someday.

Thank you all very much for your insight.
 
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