Hi. I was wondering when you knew that you wanted/ didn't want a child. When I got married, I thought I would but now that it is time, I don't feel ready at all. I've been trying to talk myself into it. I am basically scared. My husband is ready and wants us to try in the fall. I am trying to get my body in good shape so that I could carry a baby if I should get pregnant. But, I am afraid of the sleep deprivation, quitting work or working part time, lack of vacations, and so on. I am just frightened of the whole idea of something growing inside me. But, I think I need to get pregnant because I am getting older (30) and I have so many friends with infertility problems. They tell me to get started because it may take a while. I hope I am capable of getting pregnant. I've been around young children quite a bit. I keep the nursery at church once a month and have done that for 5 years. I look forward to it. I enjoy most children but I am afraid I will mess it up if I have one of my own. So, how many of you work and have children and maintain fitness? What kind of workouts will I need to do if I get pregnant? How should my routine change? I currently jog, do Cathe tapes including Slow and heavy; I have a gym memership so I use the cardio machines there. For those of you that decided against children, have you regretted that decision? I know I am being weird. sorry.
Babies?
- Thread starter RBurke
- Start date
I'll chime in first with my minority view. I'm sure you'll get a lot of good information and personal feedback from the wonderful ladies on this board, many of whom are moms.
However, I'm 38 and my husband and I decided long ago not to have children. We have many super nieces and nephews and enjoy our friends' children, but neither of us wanted to have children of our own. We were pretty sure in our twenties, but we recognized that we might change our minds. Finally, in our mid-thirties we made the decision permanent.
We have never regretted it for a minute. A real blessing has been a wonderful group of diverse friends we have found through an very informal "organization" called "No Kidding." It is a social forum for people without children who are looking for other like-minded individuals. It is NOT a kid-haters group. The way I see it, it is a social group similar to those that are formed when parents from a Lamaze class or of all the kids in a particular play group or a kindergarten class or a boy scout troup get to know each other and become friends - people with similar life situations who may or may not have other things in common. They have "chapters" in many cities and they welcome new people. It has been a boon because one of the disadvantages of choosing not to have children is the possibility of feeling like the odd one out in social situations because it seems like EVERYONE has kids (and a very few rude people will let you know how weird they think it is that you don't want them).
I could go on, but I want to leave room for everyone else's opinion! This is a very personal and individual decision, but it's good to get other points of view.
There are also several good books on this subject that you can probably get at your library. Please feel free to e-mail me privately if you want any more information.
Good luck and take your time making a decision that's right for you!
However, I'm 38 and my husband and I decided long ago not to have children. We have many super nieces and nephews and enjoy our friends' children, but neither of us wanted to have children of our own. We were pretty sure in our twenties, but we recognized that we might change our minds. Finally, in our mid-thirties we made the decision permanent.
We have never regretted it for a minute. A real blessing has been a wonderful group of diverse friends we have found through an very informal "organization" called "No Kidding." It is a social forum for people without children who are looking for other like-minded individuals. It is NOT a kid-haters group. The way I see it, it is a social group similar to those that are formed when parents from a Lamaze class or of all the kids in a particular play group or a kindergarten class or a boy scout troup get to know each other and become friends - people with similar life situations who may or may not have other things in common. They have "chapters" in many cities and they welcome new people. It has been a boon because one of the disadvantages of choosing not to have children is the possibility of feeling like the odd one out in social situations because it seems like EVERYONE has kids (and a very few rude people will let you know how weird they think it is that you don't want them).
I could go on, but I want to leave room for everyone else's opinion! This is a very personal and individual decision, but it's good to get other points of view.
There are also several good books on this subject that you can probably get at your library. Please feel free to e-mail me privately if you want any more information.
Good luck and take your time making a decision that's right for you!
A
Andrea
Guest
I've always known I wanted kids. But if the only reason you're not sure is because of your worries about sleep, work, exercise, is all that is holding you back, don't let it. There is no possible way to explain the feeling you have for your own child. Everything will be worth it, and you WILL find time for sleep, workouts, etc. This forum is definitely one place where you can get lots of ideas.
I remember thinking how precious my babies were (and are), but especially when they were first born. I visited a friend with a 5 day old baby, and that feeling just wasn't there. I just thought, "Oh, a baby."
Just make sure both you and your husband agree on the decision. The worst thing would be for one of you to not want a child, and have one.
Andrea
I remember thinking how precious my babies were (and are), but especially when they were first born. I visited a friend with a 5 day old baby, and that feeling just wasn't there. I just thought, "Oh, a baby."
Just make sure both you and your husband agree on the decision. The worst thing would be for one of you to not want a child, and have one.
Andrea
Bobbi
Cathlete
Of course, it's scary. It's HUGE! All I can say is I loved being pregnant. It was miraculous knowing that I was growing a person inside my body! All the fear and worry--ok, it's worst with the first. We laugh and tell our now 13-year-old, sorry, you were our first, our experiment and we made most of our "mistakes" on you! I was much more overprotective and worried and neurotic with number 1 than 2 and 3 but the love and devotion and selflessness you discover you are capable of when you have a baby is amazing. They change your life and take over it but, for me, that was fine. I never knew I was capable of such fierce love and joy! They are blessings! There are times when it's crazy and stressful but in the end, I am so happy to have them, so blessed that they thrive.
Pray alot, RBurke. If it's right for you, you'll know and relax. This is a big thing. You can handle what you need to handle! Keep prioritizing exercise and a fit lifestyle no matter what. It's important to hold onto some of that stuff when those little buggers take over and they do! But it's the most natural thing in the world and the good Lord has given us some pretty amazing instincts when it comes down to it and what doesn't come naturally is why we have mother's and mother's in-law and freinds who've already had babies to guide us. Discuss your fears with your husband. And if you do get pregnant, keep exercising and get ready for the ride of your life!!!
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
Pray alot, RBurke. If it's right for you, you'll know and relax. This is a big thing. You can handle what you need to handle! Keep prioritizing exercise and a fit lifestyle no matter what. It's important to hold onto some of that stuff when those little buggers take over and they do! But it's the most natural thing in the world and the good Lord has given us some pretty amazing instincts when it comes down to it and what doesn't come naturally is why we have mother's and mother's in-law and freinds who've already had babies to guide us. Discuss your fears with your husband. And if you do get pregnant, keep exercising and get ready for the ride of your life!!!
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
RBurke,
I have no advice for you, but I felt compelled to post because you and I are sailing along in the same boat. I am 30, been married 5 years, we are pretty sure we want kids, we are surrounded by babies, but just haven't taken the leap yet.
Oh, we have "tried" haphazardly to no avail (and maybe even to my relief). But I too am terrified of the whole idea-- I'm not a morning person! I need my sleep! I love my job, and we "need" my income! I love VIGOROUS workouts, and being thin, and drinking beer, and being a family of 4 with my DH and our 2 cats. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I think someday (soon?) we will be GREAT moms, it's just that all life-changes are difficult.
I have no advice for you, but I felt compelled to post because you and I are sailing along in the same boat. I am 30, been married 5 years, we are pretty sure we want kids, we are surrounded by babies, but just haven't taken the leap yet.
Oh, we have "tried" haphazardly to no avail (and maybe even to my relief). But I too am terrified of the whole idea-- I'm not a morning person! I need my sleep! I love my job, and we "need" my income! I love VIGOROUS workouts, and being thin, and drinking beer, and being a family of 4 with my DH and our 2 cats. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I think someday (soon?) we will be GREAT moms, it's just that all life-changes are difficult.
ChristinaK
Cathlete
My two cents....
I think it is very normal to have doubts/fears about the decision to have a children. It is a huge responsibility. The best parents I know are the ones who thought long and hard about having kids. I have several friends/relatives who didn't really consider the consequences of having children and many (NOT all) are not very good parents because they resent the time the child takes from things they want to do.
My son will be 4 tomorrow and life is very different than it was five years ago. I have to be a lot more flexible about things that I want to do and I sometimes have to do things that don't really interest me because they do interest my son. However, my life is so much fuller now and I feel that my son is the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I.
Also you mentioned that you were concerned about quitting work or working parttime. I just wanted to point out that you can be a very good parent and have a well adjusted child and still work fulltime if you want. Being a stay at home mom was not an option for me financially or personality wise. I went back to work when my son was 5 weeks old and he started daycare at 7 weeks old. He has always enjoyed day care. He has been in several facilities because of moves and my dissatisfaction with one or two but he has been at his current daycare for nearly two years now and it has been wonderful for him. He is very social and has learned a great deal there since they have a regular curriculum. In addition to the preschool curriculum they have all sorts of extracurricular activities like karate, exercise class, dance, music classes, computer classes, etc. I'm getting kind of long winded here but my point is that quality daycare can be an enriching experience for a child.
There was a similar discussion on this in the Pregnancy forum a while back. Here's the URL to it.
http://64.225.138.194/dcforum/FitMoms/396.html#13
Hope this helps!
I think it is very normal to have doubts/fears about the decision to have a children. It is a huge responsibility. The best parents I know are the ones who thought long and hard about having kids. I have several friends/relatives who didn't really consider the consequences of having children and many (NOT all) are not very good parents because they resent the time the child takes from things they want to do.
My son will be 4 tomorrow and life is very different than it was five years ago. I have to be a lot more flexible about things that I want to do and I sometimes have to do things that don't really interest me because they do interest my son. However, my life is so much fuller now and I feel that my son is the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I.
Also you mentioned that you were concerned about quitting work or working parttime. I just wanted to point out that you can be a very good parent and have a well adjusted child and still work fulltime if you want. Being a stay at home mom was not an option for me financially or personality wise. I went back to work when my son was 5 weeks old and he started daycare at 7 weeks old. He has always enjoyed day care. He has been in several facilities because of moves and my dissatisfaction with one or two but he has been at his current daycare for nearly two years now and it has been wonderful for him. He is very social and has learned a great deal there since they have a regular curriculum. In addition to the preschool curriculum they have all sorts of extracurricular activities like karate, exercise class, dance, music classes, computer classes, etc. I'm getting kind of long winded here but my point is that quality daycare can be an enriching experience for a child.
There was a similar discussion on this in the Pregnancy forum a while back. Here's the URL to it.
http://64.225.138.194/dcforum/FitMoms/396.html#13
Hope this helps!
StephanieF
Cathlete
I am in the minority with cherylnb. After much thought, I decided I wasn't going to have children. I have not regretted it, though like cherylnb I have been the "odd one out" at social gatherings where everyone else is a mom. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong", just a BIG choice between two different experiences. Don't rush into it if you aren't ready.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
Stebby
Cathlete
It's normal to be scared -- this is a big, scary decision! I totally understand your fears. I'll give you my weird perspective; this probably really puts me in the minority.
From the time I was 5 years old, I absolutely did not want kids. This feeling grew and grew as I got into my teens and twenties. I found most children irritating and boring. I simply couldn't understand when people described a fat, drooling, ugly little creature as "cute". I met my future husband when I was 20. When we started to talk about a future together (when I was around 21), he brought up the subject of kids, and through many tears, I told him I didn't think I ever wanted kids. I was sure he was going to call the whole thing off at that point, but he thought about it and decided he could live with it. So we got married. Fast forward several years -- both of us in our late thirties. He told me the child issue had gotten really big for him. In fact, it was tearing him apart watching his siblings and friends all having children, and believing that was probably not in his future. That got me thinking. At the age of 39, I had this sudden surge of realization that just about knocked me over: that if I didn't try to have a child, I would come to regret it for the rest of my life. My husband (who is a really wonderful guy, and who has taught me many things through our almost 21 years together) and I talked everything through, and finally decided to go for it.
So, here I am, at the ripe old age of 40 (41 in 5 1/2 weeks), pregnant with my first child! I was terrified at the beginning when I first realized I might actually be pregnant. I had myself convinced that it would take at least 6 months, maybe a year, because of my age. It actually took just 4 months. I hated putting on weight, hated losing my nice waistline, hated my lack of energy, and was really scared of what would happen to my life and my body. I had a lot of the same fears you have. I was really ambivalent about the whole thing until my first ob/gyn appointment in February, where I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time -- then I fell in love! The following week, when I had my first ultrasound, it was even more exciting. The biggest highlight for me was when I got my amnio results back (I did all the tests because of my age) and found out I'm having a girl. Now I am really excited and looking forward to my new life. Yes, it will be scary having a reduced income for awhile, and I'm not sure how I will handle the new responsibilities. But I'm confident it will work out. I'm now 28 weeks along -- due date is August 18.
At this point, I am very happy and don't think I will ever regret this decision. It may be too early to say though -- I have not yet lived through the sleepless nights, worrying, having to give up my freedom, etc.
I have not modified my fitness routine very much at all. I've been a part-time aerobics instructor for 18 years -- I gave that up two weeks ago because I didn't feel I wanted to make that sort of commitment past the start of my third trimester. However, I'm still Spinning 3 X per week (somewhat reduced intensity), doing Cathe and Firm tapes (have not reduced my step height, but I have had to reduce my weights -- I'm using 10 and 12 lb dumbbells where I used to use 15 and 20), and doing Yoga. I work out just about every day. I still feel that I am in very good shape -- even though I have put on over 30 lbs, and am starting to get the occasional shortness of breath when I climb stairs, I feel basically good and pretty energetic. My husband knows how important my workouts are to me -- he is quite athletic as well -- so we are planning to make sure that we each have enough time after the baby is born (and after we get past that first sleepless part) to pursue our fitness goals and other interests. It will probably be a challenge to make sure each person has enough "on own" time, and we have our togetherness time, and lots of time with the new kiddie as well.
My oh my, I do go on, don't I ... sorry to ramble. I guess I'm just trying to say that it's perfectly understandable for you to be scared, and it really is a big and important decision, and you will need to make compromises. I am someone who wrestled with all these things and am very glad that I made the decision I did. All the best to you!
From the time I was 5 years old, I absolutely did not want kids. This feeling grew and grew as I got into my teens and twenties. I found most children irritating and boring. I simply couldn't understand when people described a fat, drooling, ugly little creature as "cute". I met my future husband when I was 20. When we started to talk about a future together (when I was around 21), he brought up the subject of kids, and through many tears, I told him I didn't think I ever wanted kids. I was sure he was going to call the whole thing off at that point, but he thought about it and decided he could live with it. So we got married. Fast forward several years -- both of us in our late thirties. He told me the child issue had gotten really big for him. In fact, it was tearing him apart watching his siblings and friends all having children, and believing that was probably not in his future. That got me thinking. At the age of 39, I had this sudden surge of realization that just about knocked me over: that if I didn't try to have a child, I would come to regret it for the rest of my life. My husband (who is a really wonderful guy, and who has taught me many things through our almost 21 years together) and I talked everything through, and finally decided to go for it.
So, here I am, at the ripe old age of 40 (41 in 5 1/2 weeks), pregnant with my first child! I was terrified at the beginning when I first realized I might actually be pregnant. I had myself convinced that it would take at least 6 months, maybe a year, because of my age. It actually took just 4 months. I hated putting on weight, hated losing my nice waistline, hated my lack of energy, and was really scared of what would happen to my life and my body. I had a lot of the same fears you have. I was really ambivalent about the whole thing until my first ob/gyn appointment in February, where I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time -- then I fell in love! The following week, when I had my first ultrasound, it was even more exciting. The biggest highlight for me was when I got my amnio results back (I did all the tests because of my age) and found out I'm having a girl. Now I am really excited and looking forward to my new life. Yes, it will be scary having a reduced income for awhile, and I'm not sure how I will handle the new responsibilities. But I'm confident it will work out. I'm now 28 weeks along -- due date is August 18.
At this point, I am very happy and don't think I will ever regret this decision. It may be too early to say though -- I have not yet lived through the sleepless nights, worrying, having to give up my freedom, etc.
I have not modified my fitness routine very much at all. I've been a part-time aerobics instructor for 18 years -- I gave that up two weeks ago because I didn't feel I wanted to make that sort of commitment past the start of my third trimester. However, I'm still Spinning 3 X per week (somewhat reduced intensity), doing Cathe and Firm tapes (have not reduced my step height, but I have had to reduce my weights -- I'm using 10 and 12 lb dumbbells where I used to use 15 and 20), and doing Yoga. I work out just about every day. I still feel that I am in very good shape -- even though I have put on over 30 lbs, and am starting to get the occasional shortness of breath when I climb stairs, I feel basically good and pretty energetic. My husband knows how important my workouts are to me -- he is quite athletic as well -- so we are planning to make sure that we each have enough time after the baby is born (and after we get past that first sleepless part) to pursue our fitness goals and other interests. It will probably be a challenge to make sure each person has enough "on own" time, and we have our togetherness time, and lots of time with the new kiddie as well.
My oh my, I do go on, don't I ... sorry to ramble. I guess I'm just trying to say that it's perfectly understandable for you to be scared, and it really is a big and important decision, and you will need to make compromises. I am someone who wrestled with all these things and am very glad that I made the decision I did. All the best to you!
JeanneMarie
Cathlete
You have gotten some wonderfully thoughtful and intelligent replies here! Just goes to show what a great diversity of women we have on this forum.
My own experience was similar to what you are going through right now. I was fast approaching the Big 3-0 and started thinking, "uh oh, I'd better think about the child thing if I'm ever going to do it!". Of course, 30 is by no means old for having a baby, but in my mind it was and I thought I'd better get moving.
My DH and I decided we'd try for ONE MONTH to see what would happen. Well...... BOOM! I was pregnant the first month. In fact, I had the blood test done on my 30th birthday to find out I was pregnant. My first reaction? I cried. I was scared to death!
I was scared of all the same things you mentioned. I didn't want such a huge change in my life. I didn't want to gain weight. I was scared of the whole birth process. Pregnancy just did not appeal to me.
As it turned out however, none of these things truly mattered. I sailed through the pregnancy, only gaining 16 lbs total. I delivered a 9 lb baby boy in July of 1987 and he is now a happy, healthy (almost) 15 year old.
He is the light of our lives and I can't imagine being without him.
Good luck with your decision. There is no right or wrong choice, only what's best for you!
My own experience was similar to what you are going through right now. I was fast approaching the Big 3-0 and started thinking, "uh oh, I'd better think about the child thing if I'm ever going to do it!". Of course, 30 is by no means old for having a baby, but in my mind it was and I thought I'd better get moving.
My DH and I decided we'd try for ONE MONTH to see what would happen. Well...... BOOM! I was pregnant the first month. In fact, I had the blood test done on my 30th birthday to find out I was pregnant. My first reaction? I cried. I was scared to death!
I was scared of all the same things you mentioned. I didn't want such a huge change in my life. I didn't want to gain weight. I was scared of the whole birth process. Pregnancy just did not appeal to me.
As it turned out however, none of these things truly mattered. I sailed through the pregnancy, only gaining 16 lbs total. I delivered a 9 lb baby boy in July of 1987 and he is now a happy, healthy (almost) 15 year old.
He is the light of our lives and I can't imagine being without him.
Good luck with your decision. There is no right or wrong choice, only what's best for you!
I am in the same boat as you! I am 37 years old however so my clock is really ticking. I was waiting for the thunderbolt to strike and to get that feeling of REALLY wanting to have a baby. My husband is totally ready and we are trying I guess. I went off the pill in November and we still have not gotten pregnant yet (and I think I am a little relieved--no, I know it!) Here is the real deal with me: I am terrified of gaining weight and not being able to lose it. I have issues with weight and food. I cannot enjoy what i eat anymore because I know how many calories, fat, etc. it contains. I was bulemic in college and still have tendencies. I do not purge by vomiting but through food deprivation after a binge and excessive exercise sometimes. I too am trying to get into the best shape possible now so that the effects of pregnancy will not linger after I have a baby--I would like to bounce back! I think I am also scared of the life change and that I will be a bad mom--I am not the most patient person in the world and get annoyed with my friend's kids. With my age, I am not in a position to hold off any longer especially in light of all the recent new reports on age and fertility. I was on the pill so long I think my ovaries are spitting out dustbunnies!! I have this stupid plan in my head that I would like to get pregnant around July so I can still be skinny for the summer, be fat through fall and winter when I can hide it and benefit from the added insulation, deliver around April, and have time to get some shape back for the next summer. I know that realistically I cannot plan this but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I will jump my husband's bones a lot in June so maybe there will be a bullseye in July!! Hee! Hee! Hee!
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON May-22-02 AT 10:48PM (Est)[/font][p]yes it's a TOTALLY personal choice.
My 2 kids are the MOST important part of my life. If you do have kids you will find you grow in such ways. Yes you won't be #1 but I've found I've Grown so much as a parent. Believe it or not I actually am enjoying the teen years (ok not every day!) but loving a child unconditionally is something that just can't be beat.
Your whole perspective on everything changes.
The only advice I will give is if you do have kids - make time for them. Don't work 70 hour weeks and then go out and get a sitter on weekends. I see it now those are the kids by teens that are getting into all sorts of trouble - and the parents are shocked - duh! I'm a single mom (works great for me) and my life is so rich because of my kids. In fact we are in the midsts of planning our family vacation - can't wait.
Anyhow good luck to you in your decision!!!
oh and re the weight gain comments etc.. you will find your whole perspective on this changes - having a health baby is much more important that how you look and if you gain a few extra pounds... the weight will come off - believe me you will be very active and look at cathe for positive reinforcement!
Keep up posted!
My 2 kids are the MOST important part of my life. If you do have kids you will find you grow in such ways. Yes you won't be #1 but I've found I've Grown so much as a parent. Believe it or not I actually am enjoying the teen years (ok not every day!) but loving a child unconditionally is something that just can't be beat.
Your whole perspective on everything changes.
The only advice I will give is if you do have kids - make time for them. Don't work 70 hour weeks and then go out and get a sitter on weekends. I see it now those are the kids by teens that are getting into all sorts of trouble - and the parents are shocked - duh! I'm a single mom (works great for me) and my life is so rich because of my kids. In fact we are in the midsts of planning our family vacation - can't wait.
Anyhow good luck to you in your decision!!!
oh and re the weight gain comments etc.. you will find your whole perspective on this changes - having a health baby is much more important that how you look and if you gain a few extra pounds... the weight will come off - believe me you will be very active and look at cathe for positive reinforcement!
Keep up posted!
MadnNatsmom
Cathlete
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON May-23-02 AT 01:24AM (Est)[/font][p]I admire that you are putting a lot of thought into bringing a child into this world.
I will be frank and blunt: children will absolutely change every aspect of your life. There is no more "me" time. Almost every waking moment will be (and SHOULD be IMO) about your baby. Your baby's needs should come first and yours second until your baby is past infancy.
If you're worried about your figure, lack of sleep, etc., then having a baby may not be for you. Motherhood definitely isn't for everyone.
It is the toughest job I have ever had. My babies test my patience like nothing ever has. But, they've also made me a better person.
My DH and I waited 11 years before deciding we were ready for children. We did all our traveling and playing in those years. But, after everything was said and done, we looked at our friends and their children and realized how much more fulfilling and satisfying our lives would be if we could share it with our own children.
It was a hard adjustment for both DH and me because we had so many years to ourselves.
After I gave birth, I saw my body in a different light. Creating a life and giving birth is truly a miracle and should not be taken lightly. I gained a new respect for my body and what it was capable of doing. Gaining some weight is a very small price to pay in return for all the joys children bring.
The happiest day of my life was when I first held my son in my arms. You know how writers write about your heart feeling as though it would burst? That's how I felt. I thought the love I felt for my baby would make my heart burst. And, when I look into the sleeping faces of my 3 and 5 year old, I wonder what I did to deserve these precious children.
Children do not ask to be born into this world. Mothers need to be very realistic about how much disruption they can withstand.
Don't feel pressured by outside forces. This decision should be yours and DH's alone.
P.S. I personally knew of two couples who didn't have children by choice. One couple was in their late 50s and the other was in their late 70s, and both couples regretted their decision.
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
I will be frank and blunt: children will absolutely change every aspect of your life. There is no more "me" time. Almost every waking moment will be (and SHOULD be IMO) about your baby. Your baby's needs should come first and yours second until your baby is past infancy.
If you're worried about your figure, lack of sleep, etc., then having a baby may not be for you. Motherhood definitely isn't for everyone.
It is the toughest job I have ever had. My babies test my patience like nothing ever has. But, they've also made me a better person.
My DH and I waited 11 years before deciding we were ready for children. We did all our traveling and playing in those years. But, after everything was said and done, we looked at our friends and their children and realized how much more fulfilling and satisfying our lives would be if we could share it with our own children.
It was a hard adjustment for both DH and me because we had so many years to ourselves.
After I gave birth, I saw my body in a different light. Creating a life and giving birth is truly a miracle and should not be taken lightly. I gained a new respect for my body and what it was capable of doing. Gaining some weight is a very small price to pay in return for all the joys children bring.
The happiest day of my life was when I first held my son in my arms. You know how writers write about your heart feeling as though it would burst? That's how I felt. I thought the love I felt for my baby would make my heart burst. And, when I look into the sleeping faces of my 3 and 5 year old, I wonder what I did to deserve these precious children.
Children do not ask to be born into this world. Mothers need to be very realistic about how much disruption they can withstand.
Don't feel pressured by outside forces. This decision should be yours and DH's alone.
P.S. I personally knew of two couples who didn't have children by choice. One couple was in their late 50s and the other was in their late 70s, and both couples regretted their decision.
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
kristieschultz
Cathlete
I must say that I totally agree with Madnnatsmom(sorry about spelling but she posted right before me). This is a very personal decision, but it is true that some people are not cut out to be parents. I just really feel like if you have to talk yourself into this, maybe you're not ready, maybe you never will be. There is NOTHING wrong with not having kids.
Some people here are worried about gaining weight etc. and I can understand that. But, you know what, there are so many other crucial things to think about when having a baby. Like, what if my kid has a problem. Am I going to be able to handle that? Do I have it in me? I don't mean to sound negative, but the weight issue is so little when you think about some of the other real problems that parents face with their kids. I think people should think about stuff like that when they decide to have a kid. SIDS, Downs syndrome, Autism, etc etc.
When I got married at 25, my DH and I knew we wanted kids someday. I had my daughter when I was 33(two years ago). Sure I was scared and feared lack of sleep etc. but I also felt ready. I knew it was what I wanted and I felt ready to make the necessary sacrifices. I've never regretted having her for one second. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was born 10 weeks early and we are so blessed and lucky that she is a healthy happy child.
It is soooo true that a child will change EVERYTHING about you and your life. NOTHING will EVER be the same. And you should be scared about it, because it is scary.
Sorry if my post sounds negative or weird. I wish you much luck in your decision.
Kristie Schultz
Some people here are worried about gaining weight etc. and I can understand that. But, you know what, there are so many other crucial things to think about when having a baby. Like, what if my kid has a problem. Am I going to be able to handle that? Do I have it in me? I don't mean to sound negative, but the weight issue is so little when you think about some of the other real problems that parents face with their kids. I think people should think about stuff like that when they decide to have a kid. SIDS, Downs syndrome, Autism, etc etc.
When I got married at 25, my DH and I knew we wanted kids someday. I had my daughter when I was 33(two years ago). Sure I was scared and feared lack of sleep etc. but I also felt ready. I knew it was what I wanted and I felt ready to make the necessary sacrifices. I've never regretted having her for one second. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was born 10 weeks early and we are so blessed and lucky that she is a healthy happy child.
It is soooo true that a child will change EVERYTHING about you and your life. NOTHING will EVER be the same. And you should be scared about it, because it is scary.
Sorry if my post sounds negative or weird. I wish you much luck in your decision.
Kristie Schultz
I was very ambivalent about having kids, but it was very important to my husband, so I decided to give it a go. I had my daughter when I turned 36, and I love her - and motherhood - to bits.
I think that there are many different reasons to have children and many different ways to love and raise them. If I had waited for my own independent drive to have children, I may not have done so - and yet I am thrilled with the result.
I also think it is very reasonable and fair to worry about your figure and your lifestyle/sleep needs - I certainly did, and I made them both priorities, right along with my daughter. Most children can be guided into sleeping through the night at an early age (my daughter did so at three months), and they want to learn how. I work out five times a week - and my husband helps me to get this done - and that got my 42 pounds of pregnancy weight right off me in about three and a half months. Yes, you will give some things up (for me, that has been going out at night, seeing movies, lolling around on weekends) but if something is important to you, you will find time for it, with a little planning. After the first couple of months, I have found that the good things about my old life are back again, right next to my beautiful baby girl.
Good luck!
I think that there are many different reasons to have children and many different ways to love and raise them. If I had waited for my own independent drive to have children, I may not have done so - and yet I am thrilled with the result.
I also think it is very reasonable and fair to worry about your figure and your lifestyle/sleep needs - I certainly did, and I made them both priorities, right along with my daughter. Most children can be guided into sleeping through the night at an early age (my daughter did so at three months), and they want to learn how. I work out five times a week - and my husband helps me to get this done - and that got my 42 pounds of pregnancy weight right off me in about three and a half months. Yes, you will give some things up (for me, that has been going out at night, seeing movies, lolling around on weekends) but if something is important to you, you will find time for it, with a little planning. After the first couple of months, I have found that the good things about my old life are back again, right next to my beautiful baby girl.
Good luck!
Aquajock
Cathlete
Hi, RBurke! This has been a very provocative and intelligent thread to read.
I have no children by choice, both as a single person and as a wife of almost 7 years, and I have no regrets about my decision. As caring and compassionate a person as I would like to think I am, I knew, or at least intuited, at a fairly early age that I am not programmed to be a caretaker especially for a vulnerable young person. Although I have never had children, I have a pretty fair idea about the lifelong responsibility, day in and day out, of being a parent and it's not for me. And I've never really been ambivalent about it.
I think the only question you can ask yourself, and your husband, is, "Do you really WANT children?" If you do, then don't let fear stand in your way. Certainly, make good practical plans for the lifestyle changes that having a child will entail, and talk with friends, family, clergy, educators, etc. about the challenges and the joys of parenting.
Thank you for raising this discussion. And I hope things work out for you.
Annette
I have no children by choice, both as a single person and as a wife of almost 7 years, and I have no regrets about my decision. As caring and compassionate a person as I would like to think I am, I knew, or at least intuited, at a fairly early age that I am not programmed to be a caretaker especially for a vulnerable young person. Although I have never had children, I have a pretty fair idea about the lifelong responsibility, day in and day out, of being a parent and it's not for me. And I've never really been ambivalent about it.
I think the only question you can ask yourself, and your husband, is, "Do you really WANT children?" If you do, then don't let fear stand in your way. Certainly, make good practical plans for the lifestyle changes that having a child will entail, and talk with friends, family, clergy, educators, etc. about the challenges and the joys of parenting.
Thank you for raising this discussion. And I hope things work out for you.
Annette
The decision whether or not to have children and also when to have them is deeply personal for everyone. I too worried about a year ago that I would never feel ready to start a family. My DH was very relaxed about the whole thing, as men can afford to be I suppose! I’m now 28 and nearly 4 months pregnant and really felt ready to get pregnant. For me it was genuinely feeling very happy with my marriage yet as if children specifically were missing.
I too had career and other concerns and still do on some levels. Although I hate my job as a lawyer, it’s still a solid career which has afforded me a good standard of living! I struggled for the longest time with the fact that my career would have to be stepped down for the child-bearing years but oddly reached a stage in my career where I realised it was all BS anyway and that what truly mattered was family and my loved ones. I couldn’t be more happy about this pregnancy and thankfully, DH and I can afford for me not to go back to work, although I hope to either return part time or to take up a less demanding job with more regular hours. A year ago, the prospect of not earning as much truly freaked me out. Thankfully, I can still make a good living as a lawyer, albeit in a less demanding role.
These are all such deeply personal issues. A year ago I got very defensive if anyone suggested I should be having children - I just didn’t feel ready. Now we both feel ready.
From talking to friends, I don’t think everyone feels ready in quite the same way and do think it’s a different experience for everyone. I only make sure I do not judge anyone else, whatever their decision in this regard.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t answer your specific questions/concerns but wanted to let you know my own personal experience.
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
I too had career and other concerns and still do on some levels. Although I hate my job as a lawyer, it’s still a solid career which has afforded me a good standard of living! I struggled for the longest time with the fact that my career would have to be stepped down for the child-bearing years but oddly reached a stage in my career where I realised it was all BS anyway and that what truly mattered was family and my loved ones. I couldn’t be more happy about this pregnancy and thankfully, DH and I can afford for me not to go back to work, although I hope to either return part time or to take up a less demanding job with more regular hours. A year ago, the prospect of not earning as much truly freaked me out. Thankfully, I can still make a good living as a lawyer, albeit in a less demanding role.
These are all such deeply personal issues. A year ago I got very defensive if anyone suggested I should be having children - I just didn’t feel ready. Now we both feel ready.
From talking to friends, I don’t think everyone feels ready in quite the same way and do think it’s a different experience for everyone. I only make sure I do not judge anyone else, whatever their decision in this regard.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t answer your specific questions/concerns but wanted to let you know my own personal experience.
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
Thanks so much for all your thoughtful advice. I think about this thing all the time. Sometimes it seems exciting and I can picture myself with a baby or being pregnant. I even practice saying "my son" or "my daughter" to get the weird feeling off it. I haven't been successful with that yet. My husband is ready but he isn't pushy. I know he would help me tremendously. We've been married for 3 years but have been together for 8. I am concerned because I've suffered from terrible chronic insomnia for the whole 3 years of our marriage. The exhaustion and fatigue eventually got to me and I became very sad for a long time. I finally got better with medication so I fear that I won't be able to sleep without medication when the baby comes or while I am pregnant. So far, I am working on that but I have really bad nights at times. It is difficult but I hate to let this thing completely take over my life. I try to work-out even if I am exhausted or don't feel like it but I am afraid that I won't have the energy to care for a child. However, I hope that I do. I really want to have energy and easy rest I just don't know if it is possible. So many decisions. I don't want to work full time. I watched my mom do it. It looks to hard. She rarely did anything for herself. I stayed with grandparents and that was fun but mom was constantly on the move. In an ideal situation, I would work part time. I don't want to stay home all the time and my mom says she will watch the baby when she retires. Part time would be great but I am not sure if my company will go for it. I am going for my annual exam in about an hour. I plan to discuss these things with my doctor. We will see how it goes. I really appreciate all opinions. I have many fears concerning children and most of the time it scares me off. I am not so worried about weight gain or what I will look like but I need time to exercise for stress relief and it helps my sleep a lot. I have to figure out a way to get working out into my schedule. I know what a huge change children would be. That's why I have to consider the good and the bad. It is hard to see the good sometimes when you don't have that "magical" feeling people talk about. I tend to focus more on the negative because I can understand it better. Thanks again. I appreciate you all so much.
Hello again,
Rburke - you sound a lot like me! I too was a chronic insomniac and this has gotten worse since I got married! I too worried about the fact that I didn’t sleep anyway so how could I possibly cope with the demands of a child. Then I made some very simple changes - never having a large meal at night, being in bed by 9.30/10……..to sleep, getting an orthopaedic mattress, wearing ear plugs, kicking my DH when he snores (sad but true) - all these things have gone a long way to helping me sleep quickly without medication.
I too worried about the effects of a child on my appearance and exercise routine but I’ve realised that flexibility and compromise are key. I plan, come what may, to go out for a long walk with my baby every day once she is born - walking, even if you walk fairly slowly, will get off those pounds. Many babies find the walking motion comforting and will fall asleep. The fresh air will do us both good! We live next to the river and there’s about 10 miles of river walk to explore with hills, etc.. I plan to do this for at least an hour every day and hope to cover about 3 miles daily, more if I can. As this will involve baby, I am hoping it will work out.
Then I hope to do very short 30 min workouts at home - currently aiming for just one a day. There are many ways of getting a good workout in 30 mins! You can up the intensity rather than going for duration. Flexibility is key, from what others have advised me. It can be done.
Of course I also know that caring for a baby is the most demanding job I’ll ever have. But the tremendous joy I feel being pregnant, even with chronic 1st trimester vomiting and fibroids, food aversions, lack of energy etc….is indescribable! Every time I look at that scan picture of our little one, I feel like crying with the sheer joy of it! My DH also feels the same way. We were both a little afraid when I first got pregnant but this anxiety, I think, is only natural. We had really thought through the decision and both felt totally ready. I welcome all the bodily changes because they will all make for a miraculous little one.
Talk to your DH about your fears. Write down all your fears and think them through. There will always be the fear of the unknown, whatever you decide to do, but don’t forget you are in it together!
Best of luck and praying for you!
JMHO again but wanted to throw in my 2 pence!
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
Rburke - you sound a lot like me! I too was a chronic insomniac and this has gotten worse since I got married! I too worried about the fact that I didn’t sleep anyway so how could I possibly cope with the demands of a child. Then I made some very simple changes - never having a large meal at night, being in bed by 9.30/10……..to sleep, getting an orthopaedic mattress, wearing ear plugs, kicking my DH when he snores (sad but true) - all these things have gone a long way to helping me sleep quickly without medication.
I too worried about the effects of a child on my appearance and exercise routine but I’ve realised that flexibility and compromise are key. I plan, come what may, to go out for a long walk with my baby every day once she is born - walking, even if you walk fairly slowly, will get off those pounds. Many babies find the walking motion comforting and will fall asleep. The fresh air will do us both good! We live next to the river and there’s about 10 miles of river walk to explore with hills, etc.. I plan to do this for at least an hour every day and hope to cover about 3 miles daily, more if I can. As this will involve baby, I am hoping it will work out.
Then I hope to do very short 30 min workouts at home - currently aiming for just one a day. There are many ways of getting a good workout in 30 mins! You can up the intensity rather than going for duration. Flexibility is key, from what others have advised me. It can be done.
Of course I also know that caring for a baby is the most demanding job I’ll ever have. But the tremendous joy I feel being pregnant, even with chronic 1st trimester vomiting and fibroids, food aversions, lack of energy etc….is indescribable! Every time I look at that scan picture of our little one, I feel like crying with the sheer joy of it! My DH also feels the same way. We were both a little afraid when I first got pregnant but this anxiety, I think, is only natural. We had really thought through the decision and both felt totally ready. I welcome all the bodily changes because they will all make for a miraculous little one.
Talk to your DH about your fears. Write down all your fears and think them through. There will always be the fear of the unknown, whatever you decide to do, but don’t forget you are in it together!
Best of luck and praying for you!
JMHO again but wanted to throw in my 2 pence!
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
Bobbi
Cathlete
I wholeheartedly agree that you should have children only if it's right for you. It isn't right for everyone. Talk to your Doctor about your fears about insomnia. I was watching the Berman and Berman For Woman Only on Discovery Health and they were discussing the use of low dosage antidepressants for woman who wnat babies but have been devasted by depression and don't want to go off meds. There are many safe drugs for pregancy. By the time you make your decision, you'll be so well prepared, it'll be a breeze. Good luck!
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!