Attraction for spouse who's let himself go

[Jcrew3082]

Sensitive issue- and I'm not married, but I am pretty good at putting myself in others’ shoes. My guess is that the changes you see are indicative of another, more internal, problem. Is he stressed about work, life in general? Have you noticed mood changes, changes in interests? I also think that if he is asking you if he is getting fat, he already realizes that he does not look the same and probably feels bad about himself.

Do you think the weight gain is more an eating or an exercising issue? Either way, I’d focus on making a healthier lifestyle fun. Try out a healthy restaurant or pick an activity you can do together.

Just my two cents

 

[rjroubi]

>My guess is that he knows he's fat - he sees himself in the
>mirror, and he has guy friends who remind him of it daily. My
>son is about 70 lbs. overweight, and he know it and hates it.
>Men are very cruel, much more so than women, when it comes to
>making remarks about other guys who've gained weight. He
>works at a golf course, and I'm amazed at the guys who will
>"kid" him about his weight. It just kills me to hear it.
>

Hard to say....many overweight guys think they are just fine. Although her hubby knows he gained weight, I'm not sure he would ask her for an opinion if he really "knew" he was fat. Men are definitely not as self critical as women. Heck, a man could look pregnant and he would still believe he was the cat's meow. A woman gains a measly little pound and she begins to think she is some sort of fat slob who should do major penance and wear a moo moo.

Interesting article on how some men can overlook their flaws:
http://www.sirc.org/publik/mirror.html

Robin

 

[Netta]

> Heck, a man
>could look pregnant and he would still believe he was the
>cat's meow.

So true, and some guys are even proud of their guts! They really are from Mars!

Jeanette

 

[truton]

You can't force him to change but you can make it harder for him to continue his bad habits. If you are the main supermarket shopper in the household just don't purchase junk foods. If it's not there he can't eat it. If he really wants it bad enough he'll have to go out and buy it for himself. This has worked for my husband and I cannot believe the positive change in his eating habits. He will still eat bad things every now and then but it's more of an exception rather than the rule (that goes for me too!). He has never complained about the lack of junk either. I just explained to him that I want him around for a very long time and I won't contribute to bad health due to things I'm bringing into the house.

 

[kathryn]

>Hard to say....many overweight guys think they are just fine.
>Although her hubby knows he gained weight, I'm not sure he
>would ask her for an opinion if he really "knew" he was fat.
>Men are definitely not as self critical as women. Heck, a man
>could look pregnant and he would still believe he was the
>cat's meow. A woman gains a measly little pound and she begins
>to think she is some sort of fat slob who should do major
>penance and wear a moo moo.

Even popular culture images of men/women reinforce that. Just look at the number of sitcoms that have a fat guy paired with a hot looking woman.

 

[ColleenM]

Try www.marriagebuilders.com

Colleen

 

[Bunbun]

I agree with the suggestion of using positive reinforcement. I've been nagging my BF for what seems like forever, but what really worked was the compliments--noticing muscle development or weight loss or eating better. He is actually doing regular cardio now and watching his diet, despite battling some heavy duty fatigue from a thyroid condition not yet under control.

 

[Redeye]

My DH is very overweight, unfit, unhealthy, disabled, unable to work.

Do I find him physically attractive? How in the world am I supposed to find ANYONE in this shape physically attractive?

Do I love and adore him? YES, VERY MUCH!

I have adjusted to his appearance through the years. I've had to. I can't control his health even though we've had many arguments about it. I've had to give up nagging, trying to set an example, trying to encourage, hinting, blah, blah, blah...nothing works.

He's not going to improve until he wants do. He has a choice.

So do I. I choose to love him no matter what.

Not an ideal solution, but it's realistic.

 

[smoogy]

Carole, I feel I'm in the same boat too. I'm a nurse, so I give people my thoughts on their lifestyle & their health choices all the time & can come across a little more authoritative, but I refuse to make my DH feel bad. He already knows he's gained weight & looks worse. So, what do I accomplish by reiterating that? I just hope he gets to a point, along with my very subtle hints, that he wants to take action. I do feel a little less inclined *wink*, but I always remind myself how sweet & caring and thoughtful he is to me. Like you said, it's a very tough subject.