Another Life Update

ashaw

Cathlete
In a few days, it'll be 3 months since I moved in with my mom and step-dad after a violent verbal altercation with my husband. And from what I understand, in 3 months there has been no change in him. Yes, he's seeing a counselor and reading books about marriage, but he is still not doing anything to seek gainful employment. And he's still living on borrowed money.

I wish I could say that things at my mom and step-dad's are going well. Its been difficult to say the least. About a month and a half after I got here, the a/c in my car went out. My mom and step-dad wanted to each help me get it fixed along with the extended warranty I have. My step-dad found a shop and they wanted $5,200 just to fix the a/c and I asked him if it would be OK if I got a estimate from a shop I'd been to before that has a location near the house. It turned out that I got everything important done to the car for just a little more than the other shop's quote solely for the a/c. I paid for the non-a/c stuff. Last Friday, my mom said she wanted to pay for my a/c repairs because Bill pays for everything for her and she has money that she doesn't use. We've had some issues about the temp in the house at bedtime. I can't help it if I get hot. Well, I was coming out of my room Tuesday morning and I hear my mom telling Bill "If I could take back the money I spent fixing her a/c I would do it, she acts like she rules this house" and a few other things I couldn't hear. I was crushed and couldn't believe she would talk about me like that behind my back. She does have memory problems and its like multiple personalities or something. I try to keep my room clean, I help out with chores when I can, I clean up after myself at dinner time, I'm very careful with Luca. I'm walking on eggshells again and my anxiety is running overtime. I had a talk with Bill and he said that she has said things about him and to him that would turn a person's stomach. Today at lunch all she did was complain about her salad because some of the spinach had stems. I heard her just awhile ago complaining to Bill that I control the a/c and I guess it was something about the pantry she was complaining about. Tuesday was probably the worst day of my life. I had a hair appointment and cried through my entire haircut. I even told Bill that if she says I did or said something hurtful to her to please come to me to get the facts straight because I would never do anything like that. Its hard because he's not really "on my side" or anything because his first loyalty is to her, he's not my biological father, nor did he raise me when I was growing up.

Almost every time she opens her mouth, its sarcasm coming out. She complains about her food, about the traffic, about the heat, about the crowds, one time at lunch, I tried to counter every sour comment of hers with something positive. And I've heard the way she talks to Bill a few times and he even told me that most anyone else would've left by now.

The other day she made some comment that "you've lived in so many nice houses, you've traveled the world, you drive a Lexus." I said nothing but wanted to say "yes but look at me now. I have nothing left".

Thank God I have my little workout area where I can start my day with some Pvolve. Right now, my mind, body and nerves are still taxed and Pvolve has been a godsend for me. I can get an intense workout but not feel worn out afterwards.

Now that I just got my car back, I'll be back on the job search. I was going to apply at the Wal-Mart where we shop because they had this huge now hiring sign but when I went to their job postings, they had one opening for a registered pharmacy tech.

About the only bright spot here is Luca. She can turn my mom's frown upside down.

I wanted to thank everyone for their support, this has been a heck of a ride.
 
I have been wondering about you, and I'm so glad that you posted. I know you're not asking for advice, but I'm going to offer a few suggestions and you're welcome to take them or leave them as you choose.

First, for the temperature thing... are you by chance in menopause? If so, I found that changing to ALL cotton underwear, tops, and bedding helped a LOT - it keeps me a little cooler, but the main advantage is that it breathes. I can handle a hot day, but that feeling like the world is closing in on you when you have a hot flash... it's different - I can't stand it, and cotton makes THAT feeling not happen. I also use a fan at night, and sleep with one foot and the opposing arm out of the blankets - sounds silly, but one of my girlfriends suggested it, and by golly, it works! lol

It sounds like your mom is a challenging lady to live with, but no matter what's causing her mood swings... know that she loves you. They opened up their home to you because they care about you. Your mom (much like mine who is bi-polar) might not be good at showing love, handling change, etc., but she LOVES you. You love her too, which is what you heard hurts, but try to focus on the love. All you can do is be the best YOU that YOU can be. Her behavior and words are HER responsibility.

When I left my ex... it felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong - the only car I'd managed to salvage in my escape needed repairs (and that's not counting the issues caused by my ex constantly flattening my tires - he had me thinking I was going crazy, because it was a DIFFERENT tire each time! lol). Plumbing in a house I wasn't even staying in (I was in hiding for safety reasons) had issues that would have cost me $30 to fix, if I could have safely returned to the house to do it myself. Instead... I had to hire a plumber and have my dad let him in. The plumber cost $700! PLUS, he cut a hole in the drywall that he ended up not needing, flooded my basement, and the small leak he was supposed to fix...? It was worse! lol Pipes froze at the house I'd moved out of... fridge at the new house kept "peeing on the floor" (stupid ice maker). lol Oh, there was soooo much more that went wrong, but I can laugh about it now.

Anxiety... I can relate. Your mom is "triggering" things in you that are a result of your marriage. Normally, we should try to avoid "triggers", especially at the beginning, which can be a year or two, but when living with someone... that's not possible. I'm concerned that you aren't making any good memories. You're at the 3-month mark, and I found that seeking out experiences and other people helped - not only for support and "healthy" relationships (my gal pals), but the memories... When something awful would happen, or my ex popped up (ex. served me with papers asking the court to order me to pay him $100/day, because he can't cook and eating out was expensive - yes, we were divorced by then lol), I'd find myself frustrated, scared, in tears... and I'd think back on a conversation with a friend (ex. I NEVER use my ex's name when I refer to him - so, one of my friends nicknamed him Earl from a Dixie Chicks song lol), and I'd find myself smiling. Luca brings you joy, but you also need to find a way to balance out your bad experiences and memories with new ones. It doesn't "cure" anxiety, but it gave me a tool to fight against it. My area had a 50+ center (free) that I joined, and I met some amazing ladies - a few, like me, were abuse survivors, which I discovered when I broke out in laughter after making a mistake during line-dance lessons that I found humorous and then broke down in tears, because I felt guilty for being happy (my emotions were ALL over the place). I ran out (embarrassed) and a lady followed me and recognized the situation. She talked me into coming back in (red face and tears, because I'm an ugly crier lol) and all. A few other ladies came out of the class into the lobby and began sharing their stories. I NEVER felt alone after that, and those girls were an important part of my healing, and 2 years later... we're close friends. I can't stress enough the importance of getting out of the house at LEAST 1 day a week to do an activity that puts you out there where you can meet other women - women you don't have to walk on eggshells around - women that will let you be yourself, no matter what YOU looks or feels like on that particular day.

Recovery and rebuilding are rough, but you are on the right track. I admire your strength. You are valuable and so strong (even though you likely don't feel it yet), and you will get through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever imagined.

Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk - about anything. Talk to process what you're going through - talk about something else to distract yourself from everything. Whatever you need. :)
 

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