Am I too perfectionistic?

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
My mother is a hopeless perfectionist, and when I was growing up, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was impossible to please her. I try hard not to be like her, but I'm not always sure that I'm being successful, and need your opinions.

Yesterday we had a new refrigerator delivered and DH was home to receive it. I asked him to try to vacuum the refrigerator space after the delivery guys moved the old fridge out. I figured delivery guys must get this kind of request all the time, as it's the only chance to vacuum behind the refridgerator for a lot of people who can't move it themselves.

When I got home, I saw that the kitchen floor was all marked up, and it looked like some of the floor finish had been scraped off. I got very angry and told DH that the delivery guys were idiots for dragging the fridge. He then confessed that he had dragged the old fridge out before the delivery guys got there so he could be sure to clean the space because he knew I wanted it cleaned. I blew up at him for not having any common sense.

Thank goodness, it's an old kitchen floor, and we plan to replace it in a few years. I won't really know how it's going to clean up until the housekeeper comes next week to clean it.

For a brilliant engineer, I never cease to be amazed at how little common sense he has. I'm not necessarily looking for support here. I want honest opinions. Do you think I overreacted?

Thanks!

-Nancy
 
Since he was only try to do what you asked, I would with hold judgement of the severity of the reaction until you see what the severity of the floor injury was.
Also, the reaction could be tempered with the fact that you are planning on re-doing the entire kitchen soon anyway.
 
Thanks for your opinion, Amy. Here's the kicker I forgot to mention: DH didn't even know there were marks all over the floor until I pointed them out. Most people would have tried to clean up the marks, but my DH was completely clueless. Sometimes I just want to knock on his head and say "hello??? anyone home in there???". <bigtime eyeroll>

-Nancy
 
Nancy, I share your frustration with this sort of thing. I don't think you overreacted, per se, I think it might just be a built up annoyance that inevitably comes out. I love my DH to death but he is like that too; sometimes I feel like all I do is get on him for this sort of thing, but the lack of common sense drives me crazy too.

Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I hope you are not offened by the remarks I will make...but living with a mother who was exactly like yours...

Try to think of what was going through his head when he did what he did. He wanted to please you.

Imagine he was proud of himself for accomplishing what he thought would make you happy. He probably thought you'd be all thanks and gratitude because he thought he was doing what you wanted, come to find out all you acknowledge was his lack of thought in moving the refrigerator.

Sometimes we need to check our expectations. You expected him to understand that when moving a refrigerator you need to be careful not to mark up the floor. He simply didn't think of it. I think when we are quick to celebrate ANY little movement in the right direction we get more results. Criticisms destroy the value of compliments.

He probably feels a lot like you did growing up...he can't ever please you.

Not too many people like feeling that way.

If it was me...I would apologize and look into a quick fix for the floor until you can afford to replace it. Maybe you could suggest in a nice way that he and you research some ways to fill the marks made by the refrigerator.

I don't mean to be offensive or attack you in any way. This is just my perspective. I wish you the best and hope that its remedy is quick and painless.

Lindzebird
 
Had you thought why your DH was trying so hard to comply with your request. Maybe it's because he is AFRAID of what your reaction would have been if the floor behind the refrigerator had not been vacuumed as you requested. I, for one, think it was very sweet of him to try to please you. Accidents and mistakes happen.

I guess it's looking at it from the point of view that he was trying to do something to please you. A person's feelings and ego are a lot harder to fix than a floor.

Yes, Nancy, since you asked, I'm not sure you are as much a perfectionist as someone who has an extremely difficult time with her world being even a little bit out of her control.
 
I don't think it's being a perfectionist to not want your floor damaged. It is quite a lack of common sense on DH's part, though. I can understand being p(#@# off about it. "Blowing up" may be an overreaction, however (I don't know what *you* consider "blowing up").


i got a laugh that the title of this thread is abbreviated when it shows up on the 'all forums' page, to "Am I too perfect.."!
 
My reaction to your story is twofold...

First I have to say I admire your husbands attempt...MINE would have figured I'd never know anyway whether he vacuumed or not since the new refrigerator would be in place. So my DH would have just said to hell with and skipped it x( :7 !!

Secondly I can SOOOO relate to the lack of common sense issue. I swear sometimes I have no idea how my DH has become as successful as he has career wise because when it comes to day to day issues at home he's completely clueless sometimes!!!! It drives me bonkers!!

Deni
 
This thread is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! As an unmarried, I can only imagine your frustration, but had to laugh aloud at the last post becuase I would have thought that most DH's would have simply figured you would NEVER KNOW whether they vaccumed under the fridge and simply skipped it so, I don't really know if your DH was wise or not!!!!!!! He certainly would have avoided your wrath if he would have LIED ABOUT IT and not done it at all!!!!!!!!!!

Forever "anchored": Leisa
 
Nancy - I'm a perfectionist who lives with a non-perfectionist DH and DD. I completely understand the situation - the need to get the space cleaned, the frustration with DH because of the lack of common sense and the feeling that you overreacted.

I echo what's been said above. You probably overreacted because DH was only trying to please you. But on the otherhand, it's not out of line to expect him to be careful of the floor when moving appliances. That should be common sense. It's a delicate balance type of thing. Bottom line - you can't change what happened, five years from now it won't really matter, and the damage isn't the end of the world since you plan on replacing the floor eventually. THe hardest part is letting go of the anger.

I frequently have to remind myself that DH & DD aren't doing things to purposefully drive me up a wall, but it isn't always easy. I'll share one recent incident - I had taken chicken and a sauce out for dinner. When I came home, I couldn't find the chicken, I could see the ziplock bag of sauce in the fridge, but no chicken. My DH, quite proudly, told me he had put the chicken in the sauce to marinate (with a hint of "wasn't that thoughtful of me?").

Only the sauce wasn't a marinade. It was a vegetable medley that is served over the cooked chicken. At first I flared up, but after years and years of trying to not be so uptight, I thanked him for his efforts, and explained the problem. He felt truly awful, but I'll admit, I was steamed all night. We ended up grilling the chicken and having other veggies and it all worked out fine. I know there was no long term damage to our house, but the anger over his lack of common sense was the same. (Oh, did I mention that the directions on how to cook this dinner were on a label applied directly to the bag of sauce? Yeah, no common sense and, apparently, the ability to read escaped him that night too.)

Over the years I've come to a point where I try to deterime the severity of the issue by using the five year rule - will I still care about this issue five years from now? If the answer is yes, I go ahead and get angry. If the answer is no, I try to calm down. It doesn't always work, but it helps. And it always helps to apologize after you've blown up, even if it was justified. I tell myself that even if DH had a right ot be angry, I still deserve the respect of being spoke to calmly. So therefore, I give him the same respect back. And I tend to apologize to him a lot.

:)
 
Oh Nancy,
You need my DH.
He bends over and will pick a crumb up off the floor.
There is not a nick , chip or nothing in my home.
Dh is a clean freak.
I have hard wood in the kitchen and he uses a tooth pic to clean any cracks in it.
Mistake we made was grooved flooring.
Then he will furniture polish it after he cleans it.
Too many times i have stepped on a carpet and zoom on my a**.
You can eat off my garage floor . Oh, and if something is not in its place he knows it.
I have gotten used to it.
I used to hate it, but now i appreciate Mr. Clean (he does the majority of the housework).
He even cares what type of drapes i put up.
I sew and make them and he has to approve the fabric.
Too funny.Most men could care less...
So, you are not alone.
Anne
http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
I'll admit that the replies along the lines of "poor baby, he was only trying to do what you asked, and then you went and yelled at him" make me want to throw up. :) Men are not, in fact, children, and they should be held up to adult standards. Do you think they get away with this at work, when their boss asks them to do something and they screw it up? Heck no.

I don't think you over-reacted, and I would have been insanely frustrated by it as well. That said, it was an accident (although clearly preventable, which is the cause of the frustration), and I'll guess that the floor will actually clean up fairly well, and while you'll probbaly always see a faint reminder of the incident, no one else will notice.

m.
 
Lindzebird-
You are not in the least offensive, and I do not feel attacked at all. I am very appreciative of your response! I am dead sure that if he was a child, I would have acted very pleased and happy with him, and would have encouraged him to feel proud of himself. I'm just a bit on the fence about how to react to a brilliant 56-year old adult, and that's why I wanted some input. But I must say that even today my mother drives me crazy with her perfectionism and can always find something negative to slip into the conversation. And the truth is, adults aren't so different from children. We have feelings and look for approval too.
Your post is very helpful. :D
-Nancy
 
Kathryn,
I guess my "blowing up" was just raising my voice, come to think of it.
That is so funny about the abbreviated page! :7
-Nancy
 
Candi-
I remember always being afraid of what my mother's reaction would be. There were many times when I would become absolutely paralyzed with indecision because I knew whatever choice I made, she would find something to criticize. If I ever thought that my DH was reacting that way to me, I would be devestated. He's an adult though, and he didn't grow up in that kind of environment at all. He has told me many times that he would tell me if he ever felt afraid of me, and I do believe him, as he is good at sharing his feelings.
-Nancy
 
gym mom,
Thanks so much for your response. It is a relief to know that there are others in my situation. DH and I are so different. I have no brilliance, and he has no common sense.

For example: DH loves to find the exact perfect spot on the subway platform that will put him exactly where he needs to be when he gets off at his stop, and he calls it "optimizing". It requires some kind of navigational genius that I just don't have and never will. I was happily going along with him until I noticed that he would stand in his chosen spot even if it was too crowded to get on the train. What he called "optimizing" sometimes ended up with us having to wait for a second train! So I asked him, how is it "optimizing" our trip when you add the 10 minutes we spend waiting for the next train?? He has never given me a satisfactory answer to that question. Now, I just stand where I know I can get on the train. So what if I have to walk a few feet on the other end? You see what I mean? His brain is so busy being brilliant, there's no room for common sense. :-(
-Nancy
 
m,

Okay, based on men being held to adult standards...does raising your voice at a husband for making a 'critical' error count as adult behavior. Using that logic, clearly, neither Nancy or her DH behaved as adults.

By the way, until the housekeeper shows up and cleans the floor, no one knows how critical it is anyway! This is the part that makes me want to throw up.
 
Nancy,

It appears to me that you were uncomfortable with the way you handled the situation otherwise you wouldn't be looking for validation.
That should be your clue that you may have reacted the way your mother would have.

I do believe you want to be validated.
 
I love the optimizing. I can really see him standing at just the right spot because that's where he needs to be, waiting for train after train. I'd go nuts!! LOL :7
 
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