Am I too perfectionistic?

mspina-
Not surprisingly, my DH, who loves working in groups, is in a job that requires him to be brilliant and to get along well with others, but doesn't require much common sense. My job requires constant common sense and very little team work. We're obviously in the right professions.

I hope the floor cleans up well, but I have already tried cleaning it with paper towels, and though some of the marks are dirt marks, it seems pretty clear to me that there are some significant scratches. Maybe they won't show after it's cleaned.
-Nancy
 
Nancy, I have been thinking a lot about this post today (when I should be working, bah!), because it made me think of my relationship with my SO. I understand perfectionist tendencies; I have them too and they are often the cause of my procrastination on various tasks. (I drive myself crazy with this.)

However, I don't know that you are being a perfectionist in this situation since a reasonable person should expect another adult to take reasonable precautions when doing something heavy-duty, such as moving a major appliance. Especially when it starts scraping. :) I would probably feel bad for jumping all over him afterwards, though. Hopefully you guys can have a conversation later where you can express your appreciation of his efforts and discuss the source of your frustration. Then pick out some new, super-cool flooring!

Good luck!
Marie
 
Nancy,

I do not post much (even forgot username/passord and had to sign up again) but I lurk often and hope you know I am not trying to offend in any way...

Wow, you are my sister's clone. She is a major perfectionist and would have reacted the same way.

I guess my thing is that your DH really did try. Honestly many may have moved the fridge the same way.

The other thing is that it is not necessairly a lack of common sense but I feel maybe a difference in the things we each feel are important. Not good important, not bad important but perceived importance.

Using sis as an example again... she freaks when DH does not spray down the shower each time he takes one. Now granted he is a mechanic and I can only imagine what the shower looks like when he is done but honestly is it worth a 2 hour fight? She sees it as common sense, he sees it as he forgot.

I would be grateful that your DH tried to do as you asked in vacuuming behind the fridge and meant no real harm, it was a mistake.

I don't tend to fell that I am a perfectionist but I do tend to want things (household) chores done a certain way. I cringe when DH does not do it as I would but I don't say anything becausee I KNOW he tried.

I caution you to work on this as it is beginning to cause sis problems in her family. No one wants to do anything (DH or kids) because they feel that no matter what they don't do it right. And of course she gets mad becauase no one but her does anything around the house.

I know I rambeled. But I hope it helps some.
 
Hi Nancy.

You have gotten quite a bit of feedback. Hope you don't mind my little blurb.:+ My husband is a very brilliant man and he has 3 kids one of which is very brilliant as well. His daughter is Einstein level smart, speaks 3 languages fluently and aced her way through college - she is 25 years old. Unfortunately she has absolutely NO common sense. She has destroyed all my pots and pans, broken things which I never thought could be broken, wrecked 2 cars and has had everything she has ever owned which is worth a damn stolen (some things multiple times!) I love her to death. However, I have learned that when I talk to her about certain things it is best to talk as though she is a very small child and must have every detail spelled out for her. This is no easy task I know. But it works for us. She never takes offense at all - usually she says "Oh I wouldn't have thought of that!" I can laugh about it now but when she did some of the major damage in the past I just about had to be pried from the ceiling!!! I really marvel that someone so intellectually smart can be so utterly clueless in the common sense department. When it comes to her "lack of common sense mistakes" my husband and I have always tried to stay away from belittling her or making her feel inadequate in some way. We have tried to steer her in the right direction as best we can. Despite our efforts she tends to learn EVERYTHING the hard way.
 
Hi Nancy!

Well, most men don't even think anywhere along the same paths as women and vice versa. Just say "I'm sorry I yelled about the kitchen floor." Life's too short to hold on to worry or anger. He is who he is, you are who you are, one person cannot change another, and you obviously love each other.

And don't let anyone make you feel rotten about this, gee, if we're honest, we've all been there-done this.:)

ETA: BTW, I'm not "validating you";-) - just saying sh*t happens.:)
 
Melody-
I guess I should have clarified. Everything is currently fine between DH and I, and I'm really over it. I'm just trying to determine whether I should behave differently next time (and there's always a next time). My worst fear is that I might become my mother, and asking this group is a lot cheaper than therapy and usually more effective. :+

Love ya,
Nancy
 
Nancy,

I'm not here to psychoanalyze you, just to tell you that my DH is so much like yours it's downright spooky--lol! He's just a big ole nerd. I finally had to ask my DH to please stop helping me and now we're both a lot happier.

Oh yeah! I think at some point we all become our mother:eek: :p :7
 
Heck Nancy,

I'm with you on worrying that I may become my mother. I think we all often want to "behave differently next time" and the best we can do is do the best we can.:)
 
Chiming in about becoming mom, here.

nancy, thanks for sharing this with us. Your post and the responses have really made me consider some things that are going on with DH and me. thanks for the inadvertent "push" to think about this. :)

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Fitme,
I know I'm a perfectionist, and I realize that I may be a bit like your sister, and a lot like my mother. However, I like to think there is one REALLY big difference between me and my mother. That is, my mother would never second guess herself or feel the need to gain insight into her behavior. In fact, the few times my father tried to get her into therapy, she refused. I've pretty much spent my whole life in therapy, and I'm always examining myself and my actions. I like to think that will keep me from turning into Miranda Priestly (the perfectionistic boss played by Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada). But I suppose I could be giving myself too much credit.
-Nancy
 
Oh yeah! I think at some point we all become our mother

Michele



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I was thinking about this again. How would DH have felt if the scratches were not on the floor, but on hiw car? Men and women sometimes just value different things differently.
 
Not at all. I too think that you are super great for recognizing this and understand that not everyone falls into the perfectionist category.

And please don't think I mean to criticize or think there is something wrong with you. We all have our issues and I am certainly not trying to judge. Besides, there could always be worse things. :)
 
>I was thinking about this again. How would DH have felt if
>the scratches were not on the floor, but on hiw car? Men and
>women sometimes just value different things differently.
>
>
This is a valid point. My DH has a little container of paint for his car and he checks almost everyday to see if a touch up is needed--lol! He would totally freak out if I scratched his car.
 
Kirsten,
I have no doubt but that there is something wrong with me! Actually, quite a few things. Worse things than being perfectionistic? Admittedly there are some things (like being an axe murderer, for example), but that's gotta be a pretty short list. :+

I feel very fortunate to have a DH who can live with me with all my personality um... quirks shall we say? Most of the time I think our being so different tends to balance us out, but sometimes we just plain want to kill each other.
-Nancy
 
Oh, Kathryn, are you giving me ideas!! }( }( }(
I should ask DH how he would feel about just a tiny little scratch across his computer screen }( }( }( }( }(
 
Rogue- YES!! That's my DH!!! Brilliant and clueless all at the same time. Also, unfortunately for me, hopelessly lovable. <Sigh>.
 
This is a really interesting thread that's actually bringing up a lot of issues for me. But first, a thought from my BF: If you're not used to moving furniture, it's really hard to remember that floors are easily scratched. BF has a lot of experience moving things, and as I was telling him Nancy's story, his first reaction even before I finished the story was "He scratched up the floor, right?" So it's not something that you might figure would happen unless you've had experience moving things. We even scratched our floor recently, though the piece of furniture we were moving was on a thick moving blanket. Still managed to scratch the floor! Also, this sounds ridiculous, but maybe your DH didn't see the scratches, either--sometimes it's just hard to see them until it's too late. (I put big black dirt streaks on our kitchen floor recently and didn't see it until the day after I had done it.)

Really long post here.... :)
Second, I am definitely a perfectionist, too and I know I would have had the same reaction. It got me thinking that women have traditionally been responsible for keeping house. A lot of women now also work outside the home, too, but I think that we feel that our houses still ought to be as perfect and spotless as our mothers (theoretically) kept house. At least I know that's what's behind my perfectionism with house cleaning. On the other hand, we ALSO want our DH/BF/significant others to share 50-50 in the household chores, but they had damn well better come up to our standards of perfection, too!

I find myself constantly battling to not be so uptight about household perfection--it doesn't really reflect who I am or what I am like as a person. Yes, I want to live in a nice place that I'm proud of, but if the dishes get washed later in the day, rather than the minute that breakfast is done; if the bed is made after work; if things aren't as organized as I would like them to be--well, it's not going to really matter and noone is really going to care except me. I still lose my temper with the BF over all those things--his cleaning schedule is "different" than mine and it drives me nuts. On the other hand, if I want him to take that 50% responsibility, then I have to let him do it his way. I guess that doesn't apply directly to the scratched floor problem, but your discussion just brought this whole thing to mind for me.
 
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