Dorothy, you could have a child who drinks responsibly if he drinks at all. That's wonderful.
I think parents who are opposed owe it to themselves say no to a mere sip or a full glass regardless of what "might" happen. As Candi pointed out, saying yes to a sip sanctions drinking in general. At that point, a non-drinker may think to become a partier. I often explain to my 8 year old that no means no and there's no room for negotiation on an adamant no. Teens need those boundaries very badly and they can handle them quite well. Peer pressure has been shown to be the largest single factor which prompts negative behavior in children. That is why I am such a proponant of being open with your children.
My daughter has a cell phone and I can get in touch with her at all times. When she leaves I have asked who she will be with and what she will be doing. If I can't reach her there's a good chance her cell phone will become mine and she will not be give free access to my car. She went to Barnes and Noble and wanted to make a stop at Sonic for a banana split. She called me to ask though I would not have minded if she had made an executive decision on that stop. It's just what she does.
As parents we are far from powerless and it's not necessary to adopt a my way or the highway attitude. There's a very good possiblity that Erica's son is simply testing the waters as children often do. If she sends him the message that she sanctions drinking at his age, she will, in my humble opinion, be setting him up to face situations where he has to make a choice over drinking and he ends up drinking. Don't think that he will not think of what his parents have told him regarding a taste of wine and choose to try it. It's been my experience that if you let your children know what you expect of them, they will in fact comply with that because it's based on sound reasoning and love.
What if allowing him to take that drink leads to his not thinking it a big deal in the presence of his peers? I think that if far more likely to happen once that barrier has dropped and I wouldn't want to be the parent who dropped it. It seems to me the real problem is when children are faced with these things and have no clear cut course of action as laid out by their parents. I may be fairly liberal and my kids know that but they are not always the beneficiaries of it since they are mine to protect and cherish as long as I may. I could not and would not sit my child down in front of a glass of wine or a bottle of beer offer a tasted. Erica has made me very aware of that! .
I reiterate that parents get to say no and mean no regardless of what might happen outside of the home. That conversation about alcohol and drinking can and should include a resounding no. And if it does why should a parent assume that their child is just going to wait until the opportunity arises and do it them? What Erica and all parents who are struggling with this issue should do is get their kid around someone who is drunk. Show how uncool it truly is. I have a brother who is a chronic alcoholic and he is killing himself. My kids love him but he makes them so sad. When Ali comes home from being around friends who have gotten drunk, she is often derisive of them. Children can be taught of the dangers of alcohol. Children are smart and deserve respect and they handle responsibilty too.
We live in a society that has laws regarding teenaged drinking which are more stringent that Europe's and yet I see a fair amount of acceptance and leniency regarding DUI, which infuriates me. Alcohol is part of our cultural thing and it's well accepted as normal to go and get hammered sometimes, especially when young. How stupid is that? That's no rite of passage that I want to tell my children they will go through and I will do my best to communicate that to them. I think that has worked, judging by how they view alcohol.
Erica says she likes it too much. She may never have told her son that but she may now. That's huge. That sharing can keep him from drinking as a teen as well as letting him know that she expects him not to drink now before he is ready to handle the effects which have inherent dangers. We do our children a disservice to assume that they cannot handle these matters and make the decisions we expect of them. The child Erca describe's is the type of child who does not go down that path, honor student, trustworthy and responsible. If she says yes, she guarentees he tries it, right there in her presence with her mind perhaps saying this is not a good thing. Saying no, I would bargain that he will wait. He could become a teetotal like dad. That description of Erica's son is the description of my oldest daughter who is something called Straight Edge which has a great deal to do with the alternative music she listens to but also involves a vow to abstain from potentially negative actions involving alcohol, drugs and sex. Don't think I don't count my blessings on that. I also trust her to live that life now at 17 as she did when she took it up a few years ago. She has yet to disapoint me.
Sorry to be so long-winded but Erica's dilemma has me thinking and I am worried for her son.
Erica, say no and tell him why and let im know how you regard him, trustworthy and responsible and see if he doesn't happily put that request away for now and who knows how much longer.
I am rooting for you and your husband. Choosing your battles well is key. This is a battle that can change his life. Parents are powerful and influential even when they are teens. I believe I have more sway over my teens than most of thier peers and that is partly why their peers for the most part are pretty well-behaved. The few exceptions are viewed sadly but still loved by my kids. The doped up boy, the drnk or slutty girl, yes, they know those kids. They also know how easy it is to get drugs and alcohol and yet niether has ever gotten home andnot been able to come and talk to me because they didn't want me to see tey had been up to no good. You can send your child out the door, knowing they will make good decisions and come home sober and virginal!
