Alcohol and teenagers

E

EricaH

Cathlete
I was wondering if any parents of teens or adults could give me some advice. My oldest son is 15 1/2 years old and has been asking to try alcohol. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is - I have mixed feelings about it. The drinking age is 21 here. I don't know if it's better for him to try it at home so that it's not something "forbidden" and less tempting when he's exposed to it with his friends, or if it's better to tell him that I can't provide him with alcohol (he just wants a taste).

My son is a really good kid so far - he's an honor student, very responsible and trustworthy.

My DH and I don't drink. DH doesn't like to. I don't drink it because I don't need the extra calories and also I tend to like alcohol a little too much and I'm better off not drinking. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have gotten a little dependent on alcohol in the past.

I'd love to know what other parents have done with their kids.

Erica
 
I'm not a parent...but from my own experience as a child of European immigrants, my parents were not as "uptight," let's say, about drinking. They allowed my sister and I to have an occasional (supervised) beer or two as teens. Generally, they trusted our judgment, and for the most part, we made pretty good decisions. Personally, I think it depends on the kid. I would never serve beer to my child's friends like some parents do, but I think for a lot of kids, it's the taboo aspect of drinking that draws them to it.

 
Erica, I am the Mom of 2 teenage Girls 15 and 17 (both on the honour roll) so I have been facing this issue also. My daughters are very open with me and we have talked about this a lot. I am a keenly responsible parent and am all too aware that during the teen years curiosity is a great motivator for many behaviours. One thing that has helped me tremendously in raising teens is that, unlike some of my friends, I vividly remember what it was like to be that age. I think that it is unrealistic to expect that my Girls won't drink until they reach 19 (legal age in Ontario) and have allowed them to taste alcohol in our home. I have allowed my eldest daughter to drink a glass of diluted wine at Christmas (although she didn't finish it) and on the rare occasion that I enjoy a beverage I have allowed them a sip. Admittedly it is a fine line to allow this in an effort to diffuse some of the curiousity but I believe that this along with much discussion of the dangers of excessive drinking and the unpredictable circumstances that can arise when people have been drinking has given my daughters a good reference point when alcohol is inevitabley offered to them within their peer group.

My 17 year old Elizabeth has friends whose parents have no problem buying them a 6 pack of coolers to share on the weekend. I have a huge problem with this and think that this is approval of social drinking underage. My Girls will never get that approval from me and they know it.

I'm sure there will be other opinions about this subject but (knock wood) this has worked for me and my children.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
I have the same experience as SeekingGuns. Maybe it's an ethnic thing but having a bit of alcohol was never a big deal in my house. And, I spent my high school years in the UK, a country that is alot more laid back about this than the US (or at least it used to be). I could have beer and wine basically when I wanted, as a teenager, and consequently doing the "forbidden" alcohol thing was a non-issue to me.

Sparrow


'Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Erica,

I am 23. I tried alcohol when I was 13, without my parents' permission. In highschool, I was a good kid and never partied too hard. I have a very take it or leave it attitude about drinking. I agree with others that it is unrealistic to expect that your son won't have a drink until he is 21. If he doesn't do it with you, he will find it somewhere else. While I don't advocate providing alcohol for teenagers, I don't think it is a bad thing to let them try it, in a limited amount, at your home, under your supervision. The most important thing is to educate your son about the dangers and potential consequences. The more open your dialogue about alcohol, the better. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to tell him about your personal feelings about alcohol. Since addictions (and I know you aren't addicted), tend to run in families, it may be good to bring it up.

HTH
 
I too was raised by European immigrant parents, and in my house there was no taboo on alcohol. During family gatherings, for example, the kids were always allowed a bit of alcohol or champagne. As teenagers, we drank beer or wine, but of course were taught to drink responsibly. I think this may be why in college I never went off the deep end with the alcohol- there was no novelty there for me and I didn't really feel like I was finally doing something "forbidden". In my opinion, teaching your kids about responsible drinking and moderation will only help them down the road.

cristina
 
When I was a teenager (I am now 33), my dad would let me have a sip of his beer if I would go get him a fresh one (LOL). My mom was a wine drinker and would occasionally let me have a sip of her wine. And I was allowed to drink a small amount of champagne during special occasion toasts. So...I wasn't allowed free reign, but was allowed to "try" it from time to time over the years.

I am glad my parents chose to handle things this way. I can tell you that it cured any mischevious curiousity I had for alcohol. I never had that burning desire to drink that a lot of my friends had. "Been there, done that, no big deal" was my attitude about drinking.

If/when I have kids, I will handle things the same way my parents did and would tell anyone who asks for advice the same thing. I always say TRUST YOUR KIDS. If you don't trust them and be realistic with them, how will they ever learn? Like some others have said, if they aren't allowed to try it at home, they will find it elsewhere. Wouldn't you rather be the supervisor in a case like this, rather than someone else?
 
I have a teen boy 18 and girl 13. The boy and his friends are computer nerd type kids and are not the type to drink. However, college is next year, and in our culture, I know he will drink there.
Yesterday was graduation and when his friends came over to pick him up, I told them all, don't drive while drinking. I don't condone the underage drinking, and would prefer them not to, I am adament about not getting behind the wheel and will get up in the middle of the night to pick them up.<one of his friends said, I know, I know, I got this lecture, but you know I am not the drinking type, whew>

Anyway, your son wants a taste, and I think there is nothing wrong with it. But also share why you don't drink. Tell him you have difficulty with it and maybe some of the things that happened that made you believe you should not drink. He is at an age where he deserves honesty.

and as I said about, especially emphasize the driving. We have had too many tragidies in our community with teens drinking and driving. And sometimes not teens. I felt sad yesterday during the ceremony. At one point the mothers stood up so we could receive roses. One of my sons friends mother got hit by a drunk. He was taking her to the airport early in the morning so she could go visit her mother. The drunk hit them(45 year old man), killing her and putting him in the hospital for months.
 
Funny I've changed a lot on this. I use to be much more open on this until I heard stories from my DD at college. Her freshman year roommate drank vodka from a water bottle straight and had to go to the hospital a couple of times. Seems her parents had a not a big deal attitude about it, clearly she needed a parent to help.

I think the parents have to set limits. I've seen parents who say they will get drunk anyway so why not at home. There is a huge difference with trying wine with dinner and letting the kids get drunk. A fellow I work with buys 6 packs for his 17 year old, because he believes he will get it anyhow. (to me this is so wrong and suprise suprise the kid is now having a lot of probelmes. Being a teenager is all about trying things and seeing how far you can go. I've seen too many parents wanting to be the kids friends rather than parents.

I know its all about moderation again a drink with your kid is one thing, allowing several friends to drink, or alchol at home for a party that is just another thing.
 
I may be the lone voice of dissent here, but I think it might be far more effective, since neither you nor your husband drinks, to talk to your child openly and honestly about why you made this decision and that you hope he will follow your example, rather than sending him the contradictory message that even though mom and dad don't drink, it's ok for the kid. I was a wild teenager and I will tell you that mom and dad allowing me to have a beer in the house on the weekends would certainly not have impacted my behavior one way or the other. However, a more open environment and one in which the consequences of that kind of destructive behavior could be discussed might have had some impact.

I would personally never encourage alcoholic behavior in my children, particularly since it is really prevalent in my family.

Good luck,
Marie
 
I don't think there are any hard and fast rules that apply here. I always let my DD have a taste if I had a glass of wine, but stressed that she wasn't mature enough to drink. She never liked wine or beer, but ended up having an underage drinking violation her first semester at college. She and her roomies were drinking rum and coke. I think she learned a lesson though, and I believe her when she says she doesn't drink now. If you and your DH don't drink, I would certainly not go out and buy alcohol for your son. My DH and I didn't start drinking until we were in our 30's and I'm glad we waited until we were mature and responsible enough to know when to say no.
 
Well said Marie. Agree parents need to be parents and not friends first. It's important to talk about the consequences etc.

I was trying to say that but did not say it nearly as well as you :)
 
I'd say let him try at home, and give him something that tastes really foul!

I just wonder why your son would ask you if he can try alcohol if you don't drink at home?

At least he asked!
 
>I'd say let him try at home, and give him something that
>tastes really foul!
>

HAHA - I second that! Give them a sip of straight Jagermeister or Southern Comfort, then see how much they crave it. x(
 
I'm a non-parent so I might be talking out of my butt, but I AM also a sober alcoholic who got her start drinking "only wine and beer in the house" in my parents' view when I was 13.

I must agree with Marie and Robin here, especially since you, Erica, have indicated that you might have the capacity yourself to like alcohol a little too much. If you and your DH are teetotallers, it is perfectly reasonable to expect that your children remain teetotallers until they are of legal age and out of the house. I personally don't care that alcohol is "legal" - it remains our #1 drug problem in America, and one of the reasons it's so intransigent as a drug problem is that too many people adopt a nonchalance about teen drinking.

It helps to remind yourself too that, whether or not you agree with it, underage drinking is AGAINST THE LAW. Certainly the "legal drinking age" varies from state to state, but it's there, and there is something to be said for expecting your children to abide by the law. Also, adults regardless of their relationship to the underaged drinker can be held legally liable for providing alcohol to that underaged drinker.

Also, the teenaged body is still developing. It doesn't need booze in there.

Gasbag screed over.

A-Jock
 
Good question, Kathryn - I forgot to say why the issue was brought up. DH and I went to a wedding on Saturday and the favors that we brought home were bottles of wine. So, my son saw the bottles and said that he would like to try some. He also said that in health class at school, the teacher asked the class to raise their hand if they had tried alcohol and my son said that "everyone" raised their hand. I think he's just curious.

Thanks to everyone for their replies - they were very helpful. The internet is so nice for getting a lot of opinions on something quickly!

Also, I want to say that I regret combining the fact that my son is a good kid with the fact that he's an honor student. There are lots of wonderful kids out there who aren't honor students and lots of honor students who may not be good kids! :)

I spoke with my son this morning and told him that he could try some beer or wine at the next family gathering where alcohol is served. I'm also going to talk to him more about responsible drinking, drunk driving and not getting into a car if the driver is drunk and that I'll always be available for a ride home for him or his friends if needed. I think I will tell him about my troubles with alcohol just so that he's aware of that as well.

Thanks again for the replies!

Erica
 
Excllent approach Erica - you sound like a great Mom :)

Kinda stupid health teacher if you ask me - she is just adding to the peer pressure.. DUH
 
A-Jock - I think we were posting at the same time and I didn't see your reply until later. I knew that you are a sober alcoholic and was actually thinking of you when I posted this. I certainly don't think you are talking out of your butt. I have so much respect for anyone who can conquer an addiction.

I also started drinking at a young age and my parents didn't care. In fact, when I was 15, my mother would take me out with her friends and let me drink with them - usually giant margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. I would never, ever do that with my kids.

The fact that underage drinking is illegal is why I posted this in the first place. I wasn't sure what the right thing to do is - I don't want my son to think that the law isn't important, but I do think that it's unreasonable to expect anyone to not taste alcohol until the age of 21. I'd rather my son satisfy his curiosity in a more controlled, open setting with family than do it with other teenagers and have to hide it from me.

I also agree about the teenaged body not being mature enough for alcohol and the fact that it affects a growing teen more than it does an adult. My son is aware of that and, at this point in his life, he has big plans for his future and has told me that he doesn't want to destroy his brain with any kind of chemicals. Recently, we were at the Y and someone was cleaning the floors and I said how much I loved the smell and he told me that the chemicals in the cleaning fluids were bad for brain cells and he didn't like to be around them.

Thanks for your opinion.

Erica
 
> He
>also said that in health class at school, the teacher asked
>the class to raise their hand if they had tried alcohol and my
>son said that "everyone" raised their hand. I think he's just
>curious.

I'm not sure if that means they all had, or are just succumbing to peer pressure (or trying to "act cool").
 
I think my son means the "everyone" who gets to eat junk food and sit on the computer all day, has bigger homes, faster computers, etc. He's very deprived in his own mind.;)

Erica
 
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