Affairs

T

tygra

Cathlete
Anyone here stay in a marriage/ relationship where your significant other had a physical or emotional affair say 10 - 11 years into it? Mine, as you remember said he was depressed...stayed out at night...i found phone records and text messages. says they were just friends and nothing more. he misses talking with her - but misses all about me. i just found out and I can't just act like it never happened. in fact, last weekend I hit rock bottom and scared my family - i was drinking and not wanting to "be around" anymore. I feel stronger about that - no one will control me like that again....but I love him. I miss him....but I don't know how to go on. I keep thinking of it - all the times he wasn't himself and ran errands by himself, there's several phone calls. says he does love me..hmmm

help....
 
also, we just bought our first house together this past March and were happy as can be. He says he had some medical issues and went through a depression. He didn't do anything sexual - who knows, it's just as bad or worse. For all our time together, we were best friends, lovers, and he couldn't talk to me? He talked to her.....met at a biz function....oh, and she's 12 years younger then him and 7 years younger then me.....
he tells me she is a lot like me and made him laugh (like I used to...!!!:mad:)...her bday is 3 days after mine and she's praying for us.

he says he told her not to call anymore.....then she did...i know I can't control that....

he said she is very good looking......trying to be honest with me....

ugh..........................

don't know how to act - say goodbye each morning? Say I love you? says i'm distant, well - of course................

finally when I drew away, he is getting scared.

hurts so bad.
 
If it was me, I'd have his bags packed and waiting for him on the front lawn. Scratch that, I would just have his clothes laying on the front lawn. I'd keep the luggage. After all my talk about not giving advice to people you don't know their situation, this is what I come up with! ;) (((Hugs))) Jane. I can't imagine what you are going through mentally. I think something like this would make me snap. :( I would probably have already keyed the biotch's car too. ;)
 
Hi Liann,

Yeah, I have snapped....we visited where she worked, have supervisor info, her fiance's (apparently they own a house, but broke up and are romm mates now and my guy helped her through that.......) name, I know where she lives......

i always said if something would happen like this, forget it...but once in the situation it's harder. A family member of mine had an affair and he and his wife are happier than ever now.

I just don't know what to do, how to heal, etc.....

i left her voicemails.....and mad at both. he told me not to mess with her life#$%$%^$%&$ after they did with mine??
 
Whether I was able to move on would be totally dependent on my husband's attitude. Is he sorry? Is he willing to never have contact with her again? Is he focused on making it right (not that you can make something like that right, but he'd better darn well be groveling at this point).

The first thing I would worry about at this point is yourself though. Are "you" ok? Do you have someone unrelated to the situation that you can talk to? Is there somewhere you can go to clear you head?

Oh, and about %$# up her life - I'd be taking her down too! Letting her "fiance"/roommate or whatever know what she had been up to would be at the top of my list. She brought it on herself.
 
Ohhhh - sounds nearly identical to my story. I don't want to get into too much info publicly and ask too many personal questions publicly, but if you'd like to PM me that'd be fine. I came out the other side and survived.
 
Oh Jane!

(((((hugs to you)))))

Janie
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I don't have any answers, it truly comes down to the two of you. If you are considering saving your marriage, maybe counseling will help. I'd definitely recommend counseling for you on your own (separately from the marriage counseling) just to figure out what you are feeling. I cannot imagine that it's easy to really understand what you want when everything has to be completely jumbled in your head.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
I agree with the counseling suggestion. It sounds a little "mid-life crisis" to me. I don't mean to sound flippant either ~ most of us hit a point in our lives when we look around and think, "Am I doing enough with my life?" That's normal. What we do after we evaluate things is where some people go horribly wrong, with one of the biggest mistakes being an affair.

If it were me and the details were as you say, I'd be completely out of the relationship emotionally. Done. We'd stay together for the kids ~ financially and emotionally for them, it would be too tough to separate ~ but he'd lose me as a wife. We'd be partners in raising our children, and I'd be a loyal friend, but nothing more.

Life is too short to suffer any more than necessary. Trying to hold on to someone who doesn't really want me would be more agony than it's worth.

I wish you much wisdom and strength, Jane. <3
 
Thanks, all.

I am seeing a counselor for myself. Started going when he started his "depression" to learn how to help him and me. Just informed her last week of what it is.

Really, I thought we were terrific, always very happy. He told everyone that we were best friends, i was the love of his life for the past 11 years...i always felt wholy loved for me and all of me. Then this....
 
Oh..you are in a tough situation!:( I feel for you. I have never been in a situation like this so I can only imagine how you feel but I have a friend who as been.
Samething...it wasn't sexual, it was more "chatting" and "emailing" but not "confiding" Just talking but knowing full well that its wrong to talk to the other genre at all hours. They made it through it though. When someone goes wondering its usually b/c they are lacking something....but with depression in the mix...I have no answers for that.

If I were you I wouldn't make any rash discisions. If my DH cheated on me sexually, I would be gone and its just as well for him to leave b/c I would be throwing it in his face till I was 80. If he was talking to the opposite sex and not me...that wouldn't go over very well either but I certainly wouldn't jump the gun on it. You pulling away just may be the insentive he needs to get his act together. And remember..time heals all! Be patient, think it through and you will get the answers you are looking for!

Lori:)
 
and what is strange, is for 11 years it's been great. I have no idea who he is the past several months...weird.

I so appreciate you all !
 
I'll be the disenting opinion, but....
Would you feel the same way if what you knew to be true about the "relationship" were true if the other party was a guy? If he said nothing happened, maybe nothing happened. Despite prevailing wisdom, I do think it's possible for men and women to be close friends and not more. Sometimes, people (men and women alike) just need to talk to someone else but not their usual same-gendered "buddies."
I guess it comes down to trust. Do you trust him? Is that because of him or your own "issues."? Make sure you're judging this not emotionally, but step back and really consider the evidence. If you believe he did cheat, that's one thing (although even that doesn't mean he doesn't love you). Nothing is ever as black and white as we'd like it to be, least of all relationships. I think you really need to have some serious, open, non-judgemental conversations with him about this. Then go from there.
 
Hi,

he would leave the house to call her and there were 6 pages of text messages back and forth when he "slept" on the couch from midnight to 5 am several times. Friends, okay - but withdrawing from family and making excuses to leave in order to call her....and, most importantly - why hide the friendship if platonic.... $60 in just those text messages alone. Called her in secret at 12:01 to wish her Happy New Year.....says just friends and wants to work on us....we'll see....

I do appreciate the view, but I have very good male friends and never talk to them this many times a day nor do I disappear :(
 
If he's sneaking out like that, then yes, that is definitely something to be concerned about. I'd say like the others, and get in some couples counseling if he'll go. Something's clearly up. Good luck to you.
 
I haven't been in a serious relationship where he has cheated on me (a couple boyfriends when i was younger who did - I forgave one, didn't the other). If a boyfriend cheated on me now, I'd dump him. If I was married to someone I really loved...I might forgive. It's not something that is unforgiveable, just a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. Sure...it sucks, it hurts, it will likely be hard to get over, but if you two really love each other, you should figure out what it was that was missing from your relationship and fix it. You could be closer than ever. If you do decide to forgive him, but you don't fix the problem...he'll likely do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn't rhetoric - it's kind of true. Once you cross the line, and have been able to justify it in your mind, it's easy to do again. It doesn't necessarily mean he will, but it means you both have to make it good between you.

Only you can decide if that's what you can do, and if it's what you want to do. Some people really can't get past it. Others are more forgiving.
 
Oh gosh...sounds like a mirror image of my previous marriage! You can PM me and I can give you an idea of how I handled it. I am a rather private person in this regard... I still feel like there was something wrong with ME.
 
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