Your house rules for teens

L

lesliemarie

Cathlete
I am interested in what rules you have for your 18 year old, I have an 18 year old, she graduated last year from school, she now works, Last night she went to see her boyfriend, she didn't come home or call to say what she is planning on doing, so that is why I am asking, and what would you do in a situation like this?
 
I have an 18 year old daughter(graduates this ear) and a 21 year old son.

With our son, when he was living at home we had set up rules, with consequences to help us, if a situation should arise. The three stikes and your out worked very well for us. We will use the same rules while DD lives at home also.
 
My parents were straight forward with me: Under our roof-our rules, don't like it? Bye-bye.:)
 
ok thank you for letting me know how you do it in your house, my daughter still hasn't come home and she wants me to go somewhere with her and I think I am going to stay home, it isn't the first time she has done this to me, or yet other things, played me for a fool several times and I think I am tired of her games she is playing, she has bitten the hand that has been feeding her and helping her to many times and she needs to move out,
 
I have a DD18 who goes to college. When she's home, she follows our rules. She has a curfew and she is expected to be home by curfew. She follows the rules well. Of course, since she's at school, a few days following a curfew and acting well behaved at home, doesn't really bother her. It would be different if she were living at home all the time.
 
This tread is just what I need.

I have a 17 year old going on 27 in 4 months. She thinks she is invincible and nothing can happen to her. She would love to stay out late all hours of the night but not under my roof. I am willing to drive her where she needs to go, if it is late or she at least needs to be with a few friends and not travelling alone. We decide this situation by situation. This is her last year of school and she currently has a part-time job which keeps her busy. She does not need to work but I love the fact that it keeps her occupied.

Tneah those are my rules too…under our roof-our-rules, don’t like it, bye-bye. I believe I am a reasonable person. All she really needs to do is talk and reason with me WITHOUT attitude. I expect her to call and let me know where she is and what she is doing. I also expect her to do well in school and get there on time. I also expect her to help out around the house. Right now, she decides on her bedtime, when she is on the phone and for how long, when she watches tv and how long, etc.

I would love to hear from more of you.

Debbie
 
I have an 18 year old daughter who has been a handful this past year as she explores this time of one foot in the adult's world and one foot in the dependant's world. She knows the house rules and that if they aren't respected I will deal with it as per need. I am a talker so we talk things through, I recruit others who know and love her to give their perspective and buy her books to help guide her. For serious infractions (sounds so military) I have cut her off from the computer, confiscated her phone (which she pays for) and her i-pod (which she also paid for). If she spent the night at her BF's without a call she would be told in no uncertain terms that if she wants to "'play house' with him then there's the door Darlin'. I don't want you to go but I will absolutely not be disrespected/disregarded and left to wonder and worry about your well being." If it happened again I would give her first month's rent and a newspaper and say, 'there you go, find an apartment'

Take Care
Laurie:)

edited for grammar
 
I have a 19 year old boy. He never has given us trouble, so this may be different, but all we ask is he tell us if he is going to be gone all night, or home late. His car is old, and we just want to know an ETA so we know not to worry that something has happened. This is a common courtesy that DH and I give ourselves as wll. We don't give him a curfew, he is an adult, goes to school, goes to work. But as I said, he has not given us attitude or lip, or bad behaviour, so he has earned his freedom.
 
I don't have any kids but I was one once. I lived at home well into my 20's. At 18, we did not have a curfew, but we were expected to tell our parents where we were going and who we were going to be with. I told them if I wasn't home by 6:00 am to get worried (but I was never out that late). This was before cell phones. I think this should be a courtesy no matter who live with or how old you are.

At 18, we were either expected to be in college or working full-time. If we were working full-time, we had to pay rent and help with the chores around the house. If you moved out, you were out and were not allowed back if you couldn't make it in the real world. Needless to say, my sisters and I stay around longer than most kids.

My parents were very strict on certain things. We were given guidelines to follow and if they weren't followed, we knew we would be set packing. It was as simple as that.
 
I have an almost 17y daughter and an almost 20y son. So far so good. The carrot and the stick together goes a long way in our home. They have a lot of privileges, but they know the rules. ALWAYS let me know where you are. And it is not just a parental thing, but common courtesy, and they somehow understand that better. I always let them know where I am and they just do what they see at home.
Son is in college, he also has a band, so he comes an goes in all sort of hours, but again, he never gave us trouble. He picks up his phone all the time, and if not he calls back in minutes.
Daughter has different rules, she need to be home at certain times, and also call/ pick up. Again, so far so good.
It's like a vending machine. Whatever I put in in these last 2 decades comes back now and I'm not complaining.
 
I am so frustrated, she won't answer her phone or call me. she texted me and said her car got stuck, that is so bull crap, we haven't had rain or snow for ever, and the place she said it is stuck at I know and it is all paved, so she is full of crap!!! she knows she has a curfew of midnight, and I think that is fair enough, I told her once she lives under our roof she has to follow our rules, but then she keeps doing things like this, so I have had enough, she knows that I don't believe her anymore or trust her anymore, she was such a great girl, but as soon as she turned 18 she has changed so much,
 
My question is why a curfew of midnight? She is working, is 18 and out of high school. Unless she is doing really bad things, why a curfew at all?

At 18, my parents tried to instill a curfew, and I moved out. No curfew if you are on your own. And I never came back, although it was not unfriendly, it was just I did not feel like a kid anymore, so did not want my parents telling me what to do. They had done their jobs, I was responsible enough to take care of myself, so I did. To get treated like an adult I left, and that took care of it.
 
I have found that the tighter that hold gets, the more the child will run away from you: not answering calls, making up stories, flat-out lying, and while away from you-taking more risks in order to rebel against the "my way or the highway" mentality at home.

Do parents really want to be dictators? Why can't it be a democracy? Parent out of your hopes, NOT you fears! You will not always be there for your child. Have you allowed them to think for themselves? Thinking for yourself and practicing making decisions is the ONLY way to get good at it!

I have found that one of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is to not have a relationship of respect and trust with our children. It doesn't have to be a line in the sand with total submission. It can be a collaboration; this promotes trust and an environment of MUTUAL respect. I have found that as a parent you cannot DEMAND respect: if this is tried, it can backfire and cause resentment.

IMO: you need to sit down with your daughter and have a mature, adult conversation. Tell her that you want to trust her to make good decisions and that you will do your best to allow her to make her own choices. But, with that freedom comes responsibility. It is imperative to have a positive relationship in which all parties involved respect one another: and that means calling and letting others know where you are, who you are with, and approximately when you will be home.

At 18, I thought that I knew a lot. I realize now that life is much more complex and difficult that I had ever realized and I am thankful that I had a great relationship with my mother, who was and is my best friend, to talk to, to confide in, and whom I could respect. She was ALWAYS respectful to me. ALWAYS. She trusted me. I had a lot of freedom, but I never blew it because I knew how hard it is to gain.

I once was on the phone with a guy friend late at night. He wanted me to sneak out and come hang out at his party. I told him that if I had wanted to come, I would walk right out the front door. The point is: I DIDN'T NEED TO SNEAK OUT! I knew that my mom would be reasonable if I wanted to go, I didn't have to go behind her back to get my way. There were never any power struggles or battles of wills.

Don't make her social life, parties, friends, boys, events, etc the forbidden fruit: she'll just want it that much more and she will do riskier things to get it.

It's all about respect. Examine your relationsihp and find out what it will take so that all parties give one another the utmost respect and treat one another like responsible human beings.

One more thing: I don't want my 18 year old daughter moving out on her own. I don't think at that age she is equipped to fly completely solo. She's getting there, but I don't want her to make decisions out of desperation. I want her to know that I will support her (different than enable) and help if she should need it. It's about empowerment. Help her realize her full potential. Don't get bogged down by the insignificant details.

Just MO :)
 
My teen rules are simple. I don't care how old or young you are, I need to know where you are, and when you'll be home. I also need a number to contact you. My DD is in college and when she is home. rules apply, period, end of discussion. That being said, we really don't have many rules at all for her, pretty much just the above.
 
I pretty let her do what she wants, all I ask is that she calls me and lets me know, I had no problem that she was gone last night, all she had to do is let me know instead of lying to me, I have told her that so many times, I let her be a free person, and don't choke her, I hated it when my mother did it to me, my kids pretty much have it really easy, just some few simple rules. I do know that she is 18 all I ask her to do is be responsible for herself and act like an adult with adult privelages, I have never met this boyfriend and that concerns me, if she would just let me meet him, I have also told her I accept who ever she wants as a boyfriend, never forbid her to see someone or do something, and she knows that, all I want is some respect in letting me know where she is and who she is with so I DON'T have to worry so much about her.
 
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